The Buzzing of a Bee
by pacattack777
Summary: Who knew Sollux could turn his shitty, depressing life into something a little more meaningful?  Some mild language.
1. Chapter 1

The lock clicked open with the turn of my key, and I stepped into the small room. At first, I had been expecting a silent, empty apartment, but I was only met by a solemn figure sitting on my neatly made bed. I flicked on the light, eyes scrunching a little with the sudden change.

"Aradia?" I questioned. It looked like her. Long, beautiful brown locks with her hands folded in her lap. Her head turned up to me; yeah, it was her. She had an expression of sadness wiped all across her face. I pulled the messenger bag that held my laptop off from around my shoulder and set it on the floor before stepping closer. "Is there something wrong?"

She didn't answer at first. She simply patted the space beside her on the bed. Then her voice came, soft and caring as always but a little regretful. "Sollux, come here... We need to talk."

Oh god, no guy ever wants to hear those words accompanied by such a face. Still, I moved over and sat beside her. Her hand returned to her lap, but she kept her eyes glued to my face.

"I don't really know how to tell you this…" Her shoulders began to shake a little. I could tell she was having difficulty with this. "I've been thinking of a good way to break it, but every way makes me feel awful, and I-"

"Aradia," I cut her off and placed a hand on her shoulder which she immediately shrugged off. My mouth pulled into a thin line. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"I can't… I can't be with you anymore Sollux." She shut her eyes and turned her head away even more.

My brows knitted and I stared back at her even if she wouldn't look at me. "So what? You mean, we're, like over?"

"We've been over for while." Her voice was weak and shaking, but once again, it made me melt. As I suspected, tears began to prick her eyes and all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and hug her until they went away.

"We have been? Says who?" I could sense my tone turning from confused to angry. "If you've been feeling this for some time, why didn't you say anything? We could've worked through this. If only you would come to me. I-"

"Just stop talking!" She shouted but quickly looked down and quieted. It was late and the neighbors would hear if she didn't stay quiet. "Shut up for a moment, and let me explain."

Her shout sure had shut me up but only for a second before the anger returned, and my eyes narrowed. "Let you explain? No, we're past the point of explanation. You just show up here and tell me that we're done." I paused. Why was I getting so angry? I took a deep breath. _Calm. _"Shit, fine. Explain."

I knew there was still a hint of anger in my voice. She picked up on it and continued cautiously. "Sollux, I- It's just. You're always so busy. And when you're not you don't even talk to me. It's like you put me after everything else. I can understand if you're busy, but it's all the time. All the same… Do you even care?"

"Of course I care. But, we've only been dating a few months, do you really expect me to spend all my time you?" _Wrong thing to say. You're an idiot._

Her head snapped up from the floor and immediately her brows furrowed. "You don't spend any time with me! All you care about is your pathetic job! You work at a coffee shop. I don't really think you need to pick up _that_ many extra hours. It's like you don't even want to spend time with me. And hell, even when you do, you only complain to me. You are selfish and combative about everything!" It would seem she lost all worry about disturbing the neighbors as her voice rose.

"I'm selfish?" I laughed; probably a little louder than I should have. Suddenly though, a thought pricked my mind. Aradia was never this random; she always had a reason. "There's someone else… Isn't there?" My voice had quieted, but the anger still prominent. She was silent for a moment; too long. There was no way she could cover it up now. That's what was going on. "What's his name?" I asked, clenching fists on to bed.

"He's kind to me." She whispered, but I simply stared back.

"What is his name." It was a question this time, more of a demand.

"Equius." She muttered quietly, but before I could answer, her voice rose again. "He's kind." She said louder, now staring up at me. "He cares about me and I know he loves me."

Another laugh. I stood and turned to tower over her. "Love! He loveth you?" Oh, yes, there it was. Extremely stressed out me also had a lisp. I acquired the beauty when I was young and forced into braces. Wonderfully the thing had stuck even after they were gone. I managed to get of it after months after months of speech therapy, but it still came back if I was put under pressure. I ignored it for the time being and continued to now full out yell at her. "You are thuch a child. I'm glad thith happened. I won't have to live with you anymore. Maybe I would have thpent more time with you if you weren't tho god damn annoying. Well, I'm glad thomeone _loveth_ you because I thure ath hell don't." That was the worst thing I could have said. The tears started flowing, and she whimpered, trying to muffle her sobs with a hand.

I cleared my throat to dispose of the hideous lisp following up with a sigh. "God Aradia, stop crying. I can't take your tears right now. They're pitiful." And the coldness returns. Even if I had meant for that to come out comfortingly, it didn't. Every word dripped with anger. I turn around to hide shameful face that was contorted into a deep frown. _Sit back down. Grab her and pull her close. Maybe if you forget to be angry then she'll stay with you. Maybe… _My thoughts told me what to do, but did I listen? Of course not. Instead, I simply left her there to wallow in her own tears. I bet Equius would take good care of her; since he loves her and all. I stalked down the hall. "Goodbye Aradia. Don't stay too long." I muttered, not looking back to see if she heard.

I made my way down the stairs and out of the old complex lobby. Upon stepping out into the cold air, I shrugged down into my jacket with a small shiver. It was cold, but it had been colder. This was actually a surprisingly mild winter. It was still early and hadn't snowed very much. Still, ice plagued the grass in a light coat of frost. I walked a little down the sidewalk and into the small parking lot before finding my old truck. The thing was painted with rust and the red had been scratched away to reveal the silver metal. I back up against it and fumbled in my pocket. Pulling out a familiar box, and smacked it against my palm and popped a cigarette in my mouth. I had continued to search for my lighter and once I found it buried in the depths of my jeans, I cupped a hand to the end and lit up casually. The smoke puffed out and floated around. I hadn't really remembered when I first started with this infernal addiction, but ever since it seemed to calm me. I pulled it out and tipped my head back, blowing the smoke high into the grey sky. It was followed by a deep sigh and I closed my eyes. A buzz in my other pocket was the only thing that snapped me back into the reality I was trying to escape. I took my phone and flipped it open. Yes, flipped. Unfortunately my job didn't pay very much. She was right again; my job was pathetic. Even so, I had only enough to pay for this piece of crap. The screen lit up with the little envelope flashing, and the name 'Karkat' underneath it. My roommate. I shoved the phone back in my pocket. Truthfully I didn't want to talk to him right now. He was more annoying and screwed up than I was. Over all a complete- my phone buzzed again and I sighed, opening it.

_Hey. Where are you?_

_Jackass, answer me! I'm not waiting around here forever. Grab Aradia, and get over here._

My jaw clenched with the mere mention of her name. That's right. We were meeting him for dinner.

"Guess I should go meet him. Don't want him to get his panties up in a wad." I said to myself with a small laugh, climbing in my truck and starting it. It skipped a few times; the thing wasn't worth a penny. However, it finally started and I pulled out of the parking lot. The drive was long until I drove into a spot and cut the engine. It was our usual meeting place; a small diner that should probably have been shut down years ago. It was filthy and few people actually enjoyed eating here. Though, the food was good and we had learned to get over the disgusting factors. I hopped out and walked into the door. The small ring of a bell greeted me before I even saw the guy glaring at me from one of the chairs by the front door. He stood and had to tip his head back to continue staring me down with a death look. He was extremely short for a guy our age and little wasn't even enough to describe him. He wasn't as skinny as my bony ass, but still he didn't exactly meet plump. He was altogether tiny; or 'compact' as he liked to call it. I simply grinned with my hand shoved in my pockets.

"Hey bud." I said but the breath was knocked out of me as a small fist hit my gut. Another thing that may surprise someone; he was little but could definitely hold his own. His fist fell back to his side and the scowl that was permanently smeared across his face didn't lighten.

"Next time you're going to keep me waiting, at least have the courtesy to call, dumbass." His mouth was the only thing fouler than his expression. I had never heard someone so angry and so many creative insults until I met this guy. Still, he was my best friend. It'd been that way since middle school and continued even now. We were sophomores in college and he had graced me with the joyful presence of his as my roommate. And when I say joyful, I mean intolerable nuisance.

I had rubbed my stomach where he hit me and then moved over into an empty booth without another word. He followed in to the seat opposite of me and picked up a menu. Not sure why; he always ordered the same thing. I just shrugged the situation off and began looking around. A waitress soon came over and took our drink orders. We had gone ahead and ordered food along with it as she nodded and waltzed back off into the kitchen.

"So are you going to tell me why you're alone, or am I going to have to beat it out of you?" Blunt. Karkat never knew the meaning of subtlety. I looked back only to find he was staring at me with that angry look. Over the years I learned to take nothing of it; it was simply his face.

"I broke up with Aradia. Well, more like she ended it without telling me. I kind of guessed it was coming, but I never really knew it would be this early."

"Get on with it." He snapped with a disgruntled growl. "I don't really give a crap about your life, but since it's the correct thing for me to do as your friend I'll listen. Just hurry the hell up."

I blinked but followed his order none the less. "I, uh, found her sitting in our room. She told me she loves some other guy and all this shit."

He looked shocked, but only for a moment. "Oh, I'm sorry. Though, I saw it coming." The waitress brought the drinks we had ordered and I watched him begin to chew on his straw like a child.

"What do you mean?" I asked after taking a sip of my coke.

"She's been pretty dodgy lately. Even to me. Whenever I'd see her and make some crack about how you weren't with her, she'd get this look on her face that made me want to punch her."

I ignored the latter comment and instead focused on the first. "First, why would make a comment about that, and second, what do you mean by look?"

Apparently this annoyed him because he sighed and slumped down into the booth. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" Anyone else would have posed this as a rhetorical question, but no, not him. He actually stared at me and waited for answer. But seeing that I obviously wasn't going to give one, he just scowled harder and curled his hand into a fist. "I make comments because I want to. Who cares about others' pointless emotions? And furthermore, her look was just annoying. It looked sad and depressing like she had done something wrong."

I sat up a little and frowned at him. I had been doing too much of that lately. "Really? You choose now to tell me that my girl—no, ex-girlfriend looked depressed? Gee, thanks friend."

"I shouldn't have to be the one to tell you, asswipe. Maybe you would have noticed it if you spent one minute with her." He was right. I hadn't even paid mind to her the past few weeks. "Fuck Sollux, don't make me get all serious."

"Fine." I mumbled before drinking more and sitting back to glance around. The question still pricked my mind and I soon opened my mouth; wishing I could close it. "Was it really that obvious she was sad?"

His eyes stared at me and flashed with anger. He obviously did not want to talk about this, but I didn't care at this point. "Yes. It was like someone kicked a puppy and then yelled at it. That enough for you, or would you like for me to go into more in depth detail and fill you in on all the wondrous knowledge I have about the pathetic excuse of a relationship you just screwed up?"

"God Karkat I was just asking." I replied harshly trying to keep my voice under a shout.

His retort came out without even a second thought. I was always amazed how he could spit things out without even thinking, and yet, they still sounded coherent. "Well excuse me for not giving a shit about your life. It's depressing and your self-loathing attitude only makes it worse. Hell, I even had to sit and listen to that girl blab on the phone to me about how big a jerk you are. And-"

My eyes shot up from my glass and I narrowed them quickly. "Hold on. She called you? When?"

He shrugged like it was nothing. "I don't remember really. About a week ago I guess' maybe a little less."

"Are you fucking kidding me? She called you, and you didn't tell me! And you say I'm a worthless friend." My tone had completely risen. I was blaring. A few waitresses shot us a look and I sunk back down into the booth.

He stared at me only for a split second before multiplying the intensity of his scowl ten-fold. "Again. I don't give a rat's ass about your life. It annoyed me to even think about your 'relationship', so I didn't. And even if I was going to tell you, you spent that entire night at some club. And when you came home smelling like smoke and cheap beer I decided it was best not to disgruntle you with the emotional instability of your girlfriend."

My reply was cut short by our waitress walking over with the plate of foods. Apparently she had overheard some of our conversation, probably my shouting, because she was both tentative and cautious when coming by. It was okay though; I really didn't want to talk about it anymore. Thankfully, the food preoccupied both me and Karkat, and we soon found ourselves stuffing our faces.

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence; two burgers and a large basket of fries. Every once and awhile I sent a glance up to him but was only rejected by his eyes staying glued to the table. Though I couldn't say I wasn't use to this. We fought a lot. This is how it usually ended. Within the hour I'm sure we'd be right back making jokes and teasing each other.

I was wrong. This one had hit us both in a way that wouldn't be passed easily.

Still, we finished our food and split the check. After, we walked outside and I tossed my keys to him in which he caught out of reflex.

"Go ahead. I've got some business to take care of." I said, only half lying.

He raised a brow but shrugged and unlocked my truck. "Fine, fuckass. Have fun walking home."

"I will." I replied curtly, but he slammed the door before it could be heard. I was a little surprised he was even tall enough to drive my truck, but somehow he managed. I then turned and walked down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. I pulled out my phone and dialed a familiar number. It rang a few times before a voice picked up.

"Hey Fef, can I drop by for a bit?" She replied in the affirmative and I nodded. "Alright. Be there soon." I continued before slipping the phone back in my pocket.

Feferi, she was a friend of sorts. Sure, there was a small fling in high school, but that had simmered down into nothing in no time. It wasn't that she was a bad friend or anything, but I never really had an urge to become close to her. We had both become emotional dummies for each other. Anytime anything was off or lacking, she would come to me; and I to her. This was one of those times. I felt terrible after yelling at Aradia, and now at Karkat. She was one of the few friends I hadn't yelled at yet. And so, I made my way to her small apartment before knocking on the door. She opened it with an ever present smile that went well with her giddy nature. She was always happy and it showed; she didn't try to hide it.

"Hey Sollux! What's up?" Her voice was cheery and set me into a better mood almost immediately.

"Nothing. Can I come in?" I asked, trying to cover any distress my expression might hold.

"Sure!" She exclaimed and stepped to the side. I walked in before turning around. She had shut the door and looked to me with somewhat curious eyes. "So what are you doing here?" I guess it was a plausible question. We never really visited each other unless something was wrong. It was only right for her to suspect something. But instead of answering, I simply backed her up against the door. Not wanting to wait any longer to let out my anger in a different way, I crashed my lips into hers with a hand cupped to her cheek. Almost taken aback, she gave a light push to my chest which caused me to pull away.

"Sollux, don't you have a girlfriend?" She asked, and I stared back.

"Had." I said with a small grunt. "We're over." My answers were short and I leaned in to close the gap, but she turned her head away.

"I can't do this." This made me slide my hand from her cheek and back up with a small frown.

"What do you mean?" It had never really occurred to me that could easily be an outcome. This never happened. In any usual situation, a session of ridiculously childish kissing would occur before sitting on the couch and regretting what just happened. It was normal; it was what neither of us liked, but also what neither of us tried to stop. However, once again I was thrown for another loop out of the norm.

She had a small hint of regret in her eyes and she stepped away from the door. I have come to hate that look of extreme pity. No one needed to see it, and I was really getting sick of it.

"You know that guy I told you about a little while ago? Yeah, well, we're kind of together now…" And the pity continued with every word.

My eyes and tone were both disinterested as a stared back at her. "That fruity little hipster?"

She curled her hands into fists at her sides and gave a small stomp with a pout. I had never known someone so overly girly and primped. A spoiled daddy's girl. That's all she was. "Eridan's not a hipster. And he's not fruity! He's just fashionable. Just…"

"Gay." I finished for her with a snort. "He's got a god damn purple stripe through his hair and his lavished, lavishly pushed Scottish accent only presses the whole 'hey world look at how queer I am' vibe he has going on all the time."

Her eyes narrowed, and I could see I'd pushed her a little too much. It seems all I could do that night was make people angry. "He's not gay, Sollux. I'm sorry if you're pissed off right now. And I'm sorry that things between you and Aradia didn't work out, but you don't have to insult my boyfriend." Oh god the word sounded even worse when she said it. "I can't do this kind of stuff anymore. I have a relationship now."

I gave a slight tug to my jacket and opened the door enough to make her step behind me in order to not get hit. "Sollux, wait."

I flicked a hand up over my shoulder. Even she was annoying me right now. "Bye, Feferi. Let me know if you ever find your _boyfriend_ lying in bed with another man. I'll be happy to come console you then. Otherwise, leave me alone." A small whimper came out to me. I had somehow managed to screw one more friendship over. Three in one night; that has to be a new record.

I shut the door behind me and let out a sigh as I shoved my hands deep in my pockets. I didn't really want to walk back out in the cold. It would only lead me back to my own home and an always angry roommate I had already made angrier than usual. A migraine brewed behind my forehead, and I raised a hand to rub my temple. It didn't help much, but it was enough for the moment.

I made my way back outside. It was completely dark now, and if not for the occasional flickering streetlight, I would have been stuck in pitch black. Another sigh; I stopping counting the amount of times I sighed a long time ago. Too many to count. My breath escaped and became visible in the air. I turned every corner until I finally reached my building. I stared up at the tall structure with a small grimace. Hopefully Karkat would be asleep by now, but who am I kidding? He never sleeps. Somehow I, an insomnia stricken guy, was somehow stuck with someone who also didn't sleep. And worse, he seemed to only get angrier by the hour. I could see him sitting there, staring at the TV, and watching one of his idiotic romantic comedies. Another thing, my roommate was addicted to those things. Every since I met him, he's forced me to watch them. Awful, but there he would be waiting for me to return, his mouth at the ready to spit more insults at my face.

"Fuck that." I hissed and turned on my heels. Looks like it was another wonderful night to get hammered and forget everything for a few hours; sounded good to me. And so, I began another walk.

The next few hours went by slow but progressively got faster and more blurry. I soon found my head with another empty glass in my hand and hunched over the bar, chin in hand. I glanced down only to spot two gals about my age.

_Perfect._

I stood and walked over to them draping my arm over the shoulder of a brunette. It was mainly because I had half fallen onto her, I was too drunk to even stand for more than a few feet. An immediate look of disgust fell on her face and she glared at me.

"What do you think you're doing?" She said to me, her brows hunched down.

The response came out long and groggy with a hiccup. "What am I doing? What're- hu, you pretty ladieth doing alone? Ethpecially when you mutht be hurting. You know, after falling from heaven and everything. Or are you just tired from the long drive from Tennethee? Cauthe', again, you're the only ten I see. " Yes, it seems even when I'm loose and drunk, my tongue couldn't handle that infernal 's' sound; the lisp triumphantly returned.

"Get off." She attempted desperately to push me off, but failed as I only wrapped my other arm around her side and grinned.

"Ah, you can't ethcape now." That's when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked behind me and there stood the epitome of cliché muscle men.

"Hey, mind letting go of my girl?" His voice bellowed down to me, and before I could answer, he had pulled me off my feet by the collar.

I grabbed onto his hand with my own, trying to pry him off. Even if my mind was completely clouded over with the warm feeling of whiskey I could still manage a little perception. "Eh man. You're kind of thcrewing up my chantheth here."

His eyes narrowed, pulling me up even further. "What was that, skinny?"

"You know what I mean. A little boom-boom, roll in the hay, hanky panky." I grinned and was met with a fist to my jaw before being dropping. Unfortunately, my knees had decided not to work and thus I slammed my head against the stool behind me before landing face to the ground. A deep groan escaped as I scrabbled to stand. The guy had already led his companion and the girl with them out the door on the bartender's consent. I stood to wipe the already running blood from my lip before looking around. A faint voice offered to call a cab for me, but I simply waved a wand and stumbled out the door.

Somehow in a blur of streetlights and passing cars, I made my way home. Up the stairs I went, stopping only when my forehead smacked against the gold painted numbers of my apartment. I fumbled in my pocket to find the keys and thankfully obtained them, unlocked the door, and wobbled in, shutting it behind me. Almost instantly, the lights were flicked on and my eyes struggled to focus on anything. I heard footsteps that were close to the stomp of a child. Glancing down, I was presented with the brown eyed scowl of Karkat. He had his head tipped up and painfully more angry than usual.

"What'th up Karkleth?" A nickname he hated, but personally I could barely spit that out without a hiccup.

Face, meet fist number two of the night.

I stumbled back and raised a hand to my now tingling chin. He just stepped forward and shoved me hard against the door. "Do you know what time it is?"

"No, pleathe enlighten me good thir." I replied wiping more blood from my mouth.

His face contorted more and his eyes flashed with furry. "Douchbag it's fucking three in the morning, and that lisp is practically frying my think pan. Please, try to control yourself. If a mess like you even can. I have been sitting around waiting for your sorry ass to get home, but it seems you were too busy getting hammered and apparently punched in the face."

"That wath you athhole." I snapped back, pushing off the door and looming over him.

He simply glared back. "No, the first time. There was already blood smeared all over your face. I just added to it."

I prepared a retort, but suddenly something came to mind. "Why did you even thtay up thith late? I mean, theriouthly Kar, you could have gone to bed."

Apparently I hit something that he didn't want to talk about because a flash of embarrassed red rose to his cheeks before he turned around quickly and crossed his arms. "Shut up. I wasn't- it's just… God, I couldn't sleep thinking you might be dead out there. Excuse me for worrying a little fucking bit about you shit head."

I reached out a hand to pat his shoulder, but on contact, he turned and surprisingly pulled me into a tight hug. Even if he wasn't pleasant when he spoke, Karkat made up for it in actions. He would reluctantly show you how he felt instead of being in any way nice. I ruffled his hair lightly before a pang hit my stomach. I let out a small grumble, and he backed up. He was less flushed than before; his cheeks now only lightly pink.

"Just don't throw up on any of my shit." He mumbled before he turned and started walking away. I tried to reach out a hand to pull him back, but another pain made me retreat and wrap my arm around my stomach. It was time to spend another glorious night, head shoved in my cold, porcelain mistress.

* * *

><p>Yup, product of my boredom... I kind of got into it after a little bit of writing and pestering from my friend. So, should I write more? As always, I'd love any comments :)<p>

Well, I have to go to a party now. Bye!

Oh! Happy New Years everyone! :D


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up the next morning with something stuck to the rim of my glasses. They had been set crooked on my face. I sat up, pulling what happened to be a post-it note off my face, and glancing around. This wasn't the bathroom where I had vaguely remembered falling asleep after hurling up what had to be my stomach and probably a lung or two. But this was in fact the hall way, and I was sitting in the middle of the floor.

Surprised? Not in the least. This is where I usually woke up. No matter where I fell asleep, unless it was the couch, Karkat always tried to pull me into my room. Being smaller and weaker in this area, he never made it all the way. He always got too frustrated, and that's how I ended up in the hallway every time. The first few occasions I was a little freaked out, but once, I woke up with him pulling on my arm grumbling his usual stream of cusses. They were whispered, but upon realizing I was awake, he glared down at me, inevitably gaining that light color of embarrassment. I never really knew why he did it, but I wasn't going to complain. The carpet in the hall was still better than the cold tile.

I looked down at the note while standing and giving a small smirk.

_I'm going out. Your sorry ass better be out of my way by the time I get back._

With a short glance to the clock and registering it was already one; I turned and moved back into the kitchen. Karkat would probably be back soon, but I didn't really care. Peace and quiet was better than someone shouting. My headache wasn't going anywhere so a bowl of cereal would have to suffice for now. After pouring it and fishing the milk from the fridge, I sat down at the table to enjoy my afternoon alone; at least for the time being.

It didn't take long to finish the small bowl, and I soon tossed it in the sink. It clattered against the many other dishes already take inhabitance there. Procrastination; it was a glorious art that I had single handedly mastered. I winced slightly at the noise. My roaring headache had settled its way up and was now drilling at my forehead. None the less, I moved over to sit placidly on the couch.

School had been a bitch lately, and it only left me wanting more sleep. Between all night studying and writing papers till the crack of dawn, my mind was fried and winter break was just the vacation I needed. And yet, I still overloaded myself with work. But for now, it was time to rest. Inadvertently, my eyes closed back. Sure the hallway had provided with a wonderful ten hours of sleep, but it was never the good sleep. It was always the sleep that left you waking up every ten minutes feeling like crap, but still not wanting to move. Sure enough, I slipped back into sleep and peacefully laid there for hours.

However, my deep nap was broken by a pillow smacking me in the face. My eyes shot open and fluttered to focus. Once they did, they settled on that scowling face. I simply returned it equally. Must he wake me in such a way; or at all?

"The fuck Karkat?" I barked a little agitated.

Instead of yelling back, he dropped the pillow and simply stared at me. His eyes lightened slightly. Not a lot, but still enough for a trained eye to notice. "It's already four. How long have you been sleeping?"

I let out a long yawn before finally replying. "It was one when I woke up the first time. Probably took about thirty minutes to eat, then back to sleep."

And it returned; his face scrunched with curved brows. "So about twelve hours of sleep? God Sollux, go ahead. Sleep the day away you lazy piece of shit."

I scooted over a little to which he apparently took as an invitation to sit next me. I hadn't really meant it as one, but I didn't really have any objection. "Why does it matter? I don't have school."

"Still…" He then silenced. That was it? He really had no reason. A few moments passed before he finally spoke up again, but it was more of a low mumble. "John says hi."

I leaned down a little. "What was that? You were with your boyfriend John?" For that, I received a punch to my arm which caused me to pull back. I looked to him and he was already beaming red and staring at the floor.

"Egbert is not my fucking boyfriend. We're just friends. I've told you this before dammit." Still, his voice hadn't risen above a mumble. I simply smirked while rubbing my arm.

"I don't believe you-" Another punch. God, for being so little, his punches sure did sting. I closed one eye, using the other to give him a half glare. "Shit, fine calm down."

More silence was followed by meaningless conversation until Karkat finally asked something of relevance. "Well anyway, do you have work tonight?"

A hand smacked against my forehead. _Bad move._ I had almost forgotten about my headache until I did that stupid action, but I had also forgotten a much bigger thing. My job. "You said it was four, right?" He nodded and I sighed. "Yeah, I have to go in at six. Wonderful." I then pulled myself from the couch and stood, sending a glance over my shoulder. "I'm going to shower then I'll have to head out."

He gave an indifferent wave, flicking on the TV. From there, I moved into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. After turning the water on and undressing, I slid into the shower only to let out a sharp hiss at the heat. I fumbled with the handle bringing the temperature down before continuing with my shower. It wasn't too long until I shut the water off and stepped out. Wrapping a towel loosely around my waist, I ran a hand over the mirror. Brown hair stuck to my pale face, and I furrowed my brows for a second.

I looked the same, but something felt different. The past few days had been such a blur; the drinking didn't help that much. A small sigh escaped and I looked away from the mirror almost immediately. I was still me. The same person who'd I'd always been. Nothing had changed. Nothing was wrong. Running a hand through my damp hair, I pushed the thoughts aside and opened the door.

I bundled up the dirty clothes under my arm and walked out. I passed through the hallway and into the room that I shared with Karkat. Dropping the clothes to the ground, I found a new pair of boxers, jeans and the green shirt labeled with the large _Moca Joes_ logo along the back. I got dressed and re-emerged only to find Karkat sitting in the same exact place, but his eyes now intently watching the screen. _Romcom. _My immediate thought was fulfilled upon walking forward and glancing to the screen; some sappy scene with a girl crying and a guy, aimlessly trying to comfort her. _Good luck man_. I laughed a little. I meant to keep it inside, but it slipped and gained me the snap of Karkat's head.

"Problem?" He said posing it not some much as a question but an annoyed observation. I shrugged and turned waving a hand over my shoulder.

"I'm off Karkat." I opened the door, but stopped, holding onto the frame. "I'm trying to gain a little extra cash, so I'm not sure when I'll be home. You don't have to wait up for me." Before he could reply, the door was shut, and I was already making my way down the hall.

By the time I got down into the parking lot, I had already begun searching in my pocket for my keys. Realizing I had left them in Karkat's possession last night, I checked my phone. _5:15_ Just enough time to walk. It'd do me good. I'd have time to think through some things.

I turned away from my truck and headed back down the side walk. The coffee shop was only about a thirty minute walk, so I had plenty of time to get down there. A chilly breeze blew, and I pulled my jacket down even more. My hair was still a little damp with only made me colder. It was too late to worry about that now though, I just hunched my shoulders and scrunched my head down.

Yesterday had left me a pile of drunken anger; frankly today wasn't much better. After sleeping so long, I felt groggy and worn out. I wasn't looking forward to hours of work either. Coffee and foamed filled noise already taunted my mind. I still had my damn hangover induced headache, and now I would have to do deal with pissy, caffeine neglected assholes.

My job had been the reason for most of my stress lately. That and the apparent douchebag attitude I had recently acquired. I didn't even know why my temper had been so short recently. I blamed it on my lack of sleep and massive migraines all the time. Despite what others, including Karkat, may have thought, they weren't always a result of drinking. I had always had chronic migraines that burrowed themselves deep down. I couldn't control them, and the stress definitely wasn't helping. Only adding to it, now I didn't even have Aradia to complain to-

I stopped in my tracks and blinked at the thought.

"_It's like you don't even want to spend time with me. And hell, even when you do, you only complain to me." _Her words echoed in my head making my hands clench into fists within my pockets.

Of course, I had only used her to complain to. She always listened silently, never caring to tell me about what was wrong with her. I never even tried to listen. I disserved what was coming. I was a terrible boyfriend. No, that word doesn't even describe what I was; I sure wasn't anything close to a boyfriend to her. I used her as my own personal venting machine; an emotional drain. And worse, when I wasn't complaining, I simply made every attempt to shove my tongue down her throat. I never gave any notion to her feelings.

I rubbed my forehead after digging the heels of my hands into my eyes. I groaned at how utterly disgusting I had become. Pathetic and alone. Just as I should be. This is what my actions brought me to, and this is what my consequences were. With a deep sigh, my hands returned to my pockets, and I began to walk again. When I reached the small shop, a line had already formed and the sounds were leaking out all over the street.

_Wonderful._

Another sigh escaped as I pushed passed the disgruntled customers and behind the counter. Pulling off my coat, I replaced it with an apron. I had previously blocked out the noise, but letting it in, I took my place behind the register.

A few slow hours passed before it was finally my time for break. It was a welcome one as I slipped into the back and sat on a small couch. I pulled out my phone and flicked it open to reveal three unread messages flashing on the screen. I opened one and the other two came with it. They were from Karkat which made my brow rise slightly.

_HEY SOLLUX, ARE YOU ON BREAK YET?_

_ I GUESS NOT. JUST TEXT ME BACK WHEN YOU ARE_

_ ALRIGHT SERIOUSLY DICKWAD, IT'S BEEN LIKE TWO HOURS_

I stared down at the messages with confusion. This wasn't like Karkat. I told him I was going to be working late. And besides that, these messages weren't in his usual tone. Sure he called me 'dickwad', but it was unusually surprising that he'd pester me this much.

My thumb hesitated over the keys before I responded.

_kk ii told you ii have extra hour2 toniight_

Awhile ago I had spilt coke on this piece of shit, but instead of breaking, the keys decided to stick. Now, I could only get the 'I' to work if I pressed down hard which in turn caused it to write two. The 'S' key didn't work at all, so I had resulted to using the '2'. It was a joy to explain to people constantly, but I supposed it was still better that Karkat's incessant need to type in all caps.

I waited patiently, and once my phone buzzed, I opened it rather quickly.

_I KNOW… ITS JUST, FUCK, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD COME HOME_

_what? why? ii need the money kk_

_ AGAIN I KNOW_

_ JUST… SHIT, FINE STAY HOW EVER LONG YOU WANT_

_SEE IF I FUCKING CARE_

_no wait_

_what2 up_

_kk_

No reply.

I sat and read over his messages with utter confusion. Something wasn't right, but at the same time, I couldn't just run home whenever he called.

I wiped my face and stood, moving back into the shop front. He could wait.

I continued to work until, as always, I was the last one there. Raking tips out of the jar, I shoved them in my pocket and returned my apron to the hook. I locked the door on my way out and grimaced at the cold.

It was even worse now. A light drizzle had started and dashed my face with water, I cursed the fact I had walked here.

The walk home was set at a quick pace as the wind and rain picked at my face. I wanted to get home as soon as possible. Curl up in a blanket and be dry and warm.

This was soon abandoned however. I stared at the door to my apartment, replaying Karkat's messages in my head. I didn't know what to expect when I opened the door.

Despite my best wishes, I unlocked the door and pushed it open. I was met with the predicted sight, but it was still different.

Yes, Karkat was sitting on the couch as I suspected, but the TV wasn't on. The lights were off, and his form wasn't even the same. He had his knees up against his chest, and he was hugging them tightly. Rain pattering against the window and the occasional rumble of thunder was the only sound.

"Karkat?" I stepped in and shut the door behind me.

No reply.

I walked closer without moving to turn the lights on. Carefully, I sat beside him, but I turned so I could face him.

"Karkat, what were those messages about?" Still, no reply. I could feel my impatience rising, but I swallowed any thoughts of getting angry, Right now, I just wanted to know what was wrong with him. He wasn't taking the chance to yell at me, and surprising as it may be, that scared me the most. "You're going to have to talk to me."

He finally spoke up. "Go away Sollux." His tone was harsh, but it didn't hold quite the same anger. It sounded hurt instead of spiteful.

"No." I replied shortly. "Tell me what the hell is wrong with you tonight. You send me all these texts, telling me to come home, and now that I'm here, you won't talk to me."

"You wouldn't understand." He snapped right back as his eyes shot up in my direction. They weren't exactly glaring; instead, they looked slightly longing and needy. I was almost taken aback by his expression. He seemed to take my silence as the fact that I wasn't leaving and he raised his head a little from his knees. "You better not fucking tease me, or I swear I will beat the ever loving shit out of your pathetic body." Even though it sounded like the normal Karkat, his threats were hollow and weak.

"I promise." I said giving him a small, reassuring nod.

He stayed silent until letting a look of utter sadness wash over him. "A little while after you left, I got a call from John…" He paused and pulled his knees back closer. "He, uh, told me that Dave came over after me and-" His voice chocked a little. I couldn't tell the actual gravity of the situation. Karkat was never the one to share his emotions, but when he did, you could easily tell how many he had. He wore them on his sleeve, and it was most often his downfall. "John was so happy." He continued quietly. "He told me that him and Dave finally… got together. They're _dating _now, and I don't know why I feel so shitty." His grip on his knees tightened noticeably. "It hurts Sollux." He mumbled almost inaudibly. "I don't know why…"

I sat beside him, entirely unsure what I should do. I shifted and thought back to the movie he was watching earlier, or for that matter, any crappy thing he's forced me to watch. _Rom-com mode Sollux. You can do it._

I hesitantly wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. He attempted to push me away, but I wouldn't let him. He eventually gave in, allowing his head to fall onto my own shoulder. You would think this simple contact broke him; my shirt suddenly felt wet, and I knew he was crying. Though, I wouldn't dare look down. That would only lead him to commence yelling at me; he didn't need that right now. The only thing he needed was a silent comfort that just happened to be me.

His small hand reached up, clutching my sleeve. My one armed hug pulled him closer as he tried desperately to prohibit me from hearing his hitching gasps between quiet cries. He failed, but I let them pass without comment.

My head tilted back onto the cushion as my eyes closed. The sound of the rain covered the faint sobs, and I soon lost any care for moving. I sat, Karkat leaning against me, and my arm wrapped around him. Something about this was oddly comforting, and I didn't want to leave this moment. Even if it came from sadness, it felt right. And all the same, it was confusing. Something I never thought I'd feel was bubbling its way in my stomach.

Maybe it was just the stress getting to me. And Aradia had just broken up with me yesterday. I had felt alone, and now I almost completely forgot yet another friend. But that had to be it…

It was just the stress.


	3. Chapter 3

**Alright, updates might be a little slower after this one. School starts back tomorrow, so I won't have as much time to write. And sorry the chapters keep getting shorter, but here's Chapter 3 anyway. It's a little… bluh, but whatever! :)**

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><p>Sunlight dripped in the window, and it flicked across my face. My eyes fluttered open to the bright room that was all together peaceful. Sometime in the night, the rain had stopped. Now, it was silent apart from the small sound of sleeping. I ran a hand through the brown locks in my face, stopping to rub my neck, before glancing around then down into my lap. I had almost forgotten completely what had happened last night. Apparently, I had fallen asleep after consoling Karkat; something I never thought I'd have to do. He was now curled up, asleep, with his head resting on my leg. Suddenly, I gained a slightly uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I shifted. I hadn't really meant to, but this seemed to have woken him. He lifted his head and sat up with a small yawn. Rubbing his eyes, he then looked up to and became a little flushed.<p>

"Oh- sorry, Sollux." He spoke tiredly, scooting down the couch.

I gave an indifferent wave as I sat up straight. "It's fine, I didn't want to wake you up after you practically cried yourself to sleep." Apparently, I couldn't even say things right when I wasn't angry.

His eyes narrowed; time for defensiveness. "I was not crying." He barked at me, now losing any drowsiness.

I shrugged, extending my arm over the back of the couch. "Whatever Karkat, you were bawling like a baby over your precious John. Say what you want, but it's pretty clear that you've been pining after him." Dammit, could I not stop being an asshole for one minute?

His hands curled into fists, but he inevitably gave up on yelling at me. He looked exhausted, but still he slinked off the couch. His back was turned as he started walking; then he stopped. "Don't tell anybody about that. I wouldn't have let anyone see me like that. And after that crack, I'm not sure if it was right for you to see it either." He continued walking as his fists began to shake a little. "I'm taking a shower, fuckass." The bathroom door slammed shut, and it made me wince a little.

I sighed and sunk back down into the couch. _Good job._

The next few days passed slowly. I woke up, went to work, came home, and repeated the cycle the next day. Few words were exchanged between Karkat and me. I couldn't tell if he was ashamed that he let me see him in such a pitiable state, or if he was angry I made wise cracks about it. Knowing him, it was probably both a mixture of shame and constant anger. It would seem lately my life had gone to shit, and just when the chance came to make it better, I'd make some snide comment and send it plummeting right back into the fire.

The days had become monotonous. Though I slightly appreciated the rhythm and normality of the world, there was never a moment when I felt as peaceful as I had just sitting on that couch. The rain had allowed grace to pass, and feeling the warmth of another person beside me made everything feel alright; but it was Karkat. That's what bothered me most. I had felt this comfort only when I let my guard down for him, and he to me. This was something that I was supposed to feel with someone like Aradia. She was the one I had put in that space; not my best friend. I couldn't let the thoughts of loneliness manipulate my mind like they were. And so, the snarky remarks flew out of my mouth. I was verbally pushing him away. Every day it was something new. Whether it was a passing word or the occasional argument that broke out, it seemed we couldn't speak to each other with flying into insults.

These weren't the usual ones either. Over time, one comes to learn that for some, Karkat used insults as nearly terms of endearment. With his friends, he barely meant them in the way they could be taken. He wouldn't waste time on someone who didn't disserve them. Most people would be happy to not have someone yelling at them, but for me it was different. He was silent whenever I walked into the room. He wouldn't even glare at me; it was unusual and rough. I wanted to go back to where we could joke around and insult each other for fun, but I had screwed it up.

After the morning he had woken up in my lap, it only got worse. Whenever he would talk to me, I would tease him about something he couldn't control. Between saying something about him crying and his love of John, to his temper that he could never seem to control, I just kept adding onto to the rage he had been building up.

However, he would never explode on me. Truthfully, I think that's what I was looking for. I wanted him to yell at me. Someone needed to. I had been spending the past few weeks doing nothing but working, getting drunk, and them winding up flat on my ass, feet in the air. I had been blind to the world, and blind to everyone around me. That's what I needed though.

I needed someone to yell at me, help me pick up the pieces.

The ring of the bell hanging on the door made me blink and center on the world once again. The smell of coffee filled my nose. I was at work again; standing in my apron, mindlessly punching numbers on the register.

"What can I get for you?" I asked as I began cleaning out an old pot.

"Uh, actually, Sollux. Can we talk?"

My head rose, and I stopped what I was doing. This voice was familiar. I looked over my shoulder, eying the buck-toothed guy in front of the counter. "Hey John." I said calmly before turning back around and continued to clean the machine.

He fidgeted awkwardly, taking quite awhile to reply. "Do you get off soon?"

"Soon, just wait at a table." I said motioning over to a corner of the shop where a few table sat against a large glass window. He followed suit and moved over to sit patiently in a chair.

I finished up cleaning and removed my apron before turning the lights off and opening the door. Sending a wave to him, he shuffled over and followed me out. I locked the door, and turned around. As I began to walk down the street, he trailed after me. Catching up to my side, he shoved his hands deep in his pockets, giving a light shiver to the cold.

I was the first to break the silence after we had already made it a good way down the sidewalk. "So did you need something?"

He remained silent for a moment. "Well, this afternoon I was supposed to go see a movie with Karkat, but he never showed."

My feet stopped, but only for a split second before I continued walking again. "Oh, really? How odd." John had never known what Karkat felt. Poor kid was completely oblivious to everything.

He nodded; his eyes were glued to the side walk with a frustrated expression. "I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer. Actually, I haven't talked to him in days. The last time was when I called to tell him about Dave."

I glanced over quick enough to catch the small flash of a smile. I looked back ahead, trying to think of an excuse. He owed me for covering.

"Well, Karkat hasn't been feeling very well recently. He's pretty tired. That's probably why he hasn't called you back." That should be good enough. Gullible Egbert would believe that.

"Oh, too bad. I hope he feels better soon." _Check._ "But you know, that conversation ended oddly too. He just sort of hung up in the middle of when I was telling him." He laughed quietly though it sounded tight. "Hell, I even talked for like five straight minutes after that before the dial tone was blaring in my ear. I-"

"Look John," My voice was loud, but it soon quieted down when he stopped talking. "He's just been feeling a little sick lately; nothing to worry about." I turned my head and feigned a smile.

He looked as if he believed me as he returned the smile. We stopped walking upon reaching my building. I turned to leave. "It was nice talking John. I'll see you around." Before I could even start walking, his hand was on my shoulder pulling me back.

He retracted his hand rather awkwardly and stood fumbling his words for a second. "I, uh, do you think I could come up and say hi?"

_No._ My first thought was correct, but he just stared at me with those round blue eyes. I sighed and shrugged. "Sure. I guess it couldn't cause much harm…"

I led him upstairs and unlocked the door. With slight hesitation, I opened the door and walked in. "Karkat, I'm home."

"Like I care asswipe!" He yelled back at me from the bedroom.

This apparently tickled John, because it triggered a small laugh on his part. Not for long.

I moved into the kitchen and pulled out a can of soda, popping the tab. I leaned up against the counter then called out to him again. "We have a guest." Meanwhile, John stood awkwardly in the door way, only moving when I ushered a hand to him. He sat down in a chair at the table as Karkat came bumbling in.

"Who the fuck would want to visit us?" He said, in almost a shout, but stopped in his tracks upon spotting John. He had a look of disbelief which quickly melted into a glare, settling on my face.

"Hi Karkat." John said quietly, except Karkat turned on his heels and escaped back into his room. And of course, it wouldn't be a Karkat exit without the slamming of a door. John stood and scuffled over to the door quickly, knocking warily. "Come on Karkat, come out. I want to speak to you… Why won't you talk to me?" There was only silence from the other side of the door. After a few more futile attempts, John twisted back around and walked straight to the front door. "I guess it wasn't a good idea to come over."

It was clear to me by his actions that John had figured out quite easily what was bothering Karkat. Well, not entirely, not the whole love ordeal, but he knew it wasn't because he was sick. He gave me a sheepish smile before opening the door.

"I hope he feels better soon." He mumbled, it was completely a façade, but he spared me from questioning. I nodded to him and he left with the quiet click of the door.

From there, I pushed off the counter and over to the bedroom door. I layered a hard knock on the door which was returned by the sound of something soft smacking against it. What I took to be a pillow slid down.

"Karkat, open the door."

"Go away dammit!" He yelled at me, but once again it had that tone that wasn't at all threatening. My eyes rolled as I opened the door; he hadn't even taken the time to lock it. I was right, it was a pillow. I stepped over it as my eyes caught on to him.

There he sat, bundled up it what had to be every sheet on his bed. He always did this when he was sad. It was like a child, but nevertheless, he did it. The t.v. was flashed, and all that could be seen from within the covers was a small hole for his face. I moved over and sat down on my bed with a sigh. It was on the other side of the room, so I had a clear line of vision to stare at him.

"He came to the shop today; walked home with me. He just wanted to come say hi."

Silence.

"Why didn't you go today?"

He shifted a little and grumbled something.

"What was that?" I persisted, staring him down.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He mumbled turning his eyes away from the screen for only a second.

"Of course you do. And, I want to know why you didn't go meet him this afternoon. If this is what you've been doing all day, you had no reason not to go."

"I have a fucking reason!" His head shot out from the covers, and now he was set in a full on glare. "And you know why I didn't go."

"You should have talked to him." Both of our voices were loud now, even if we didn't mean to be yelling.

"How could I? He doesn't know how I feel!"

I threw my hands up in the air. "That's exactly my point! You never told him."

"Why should I? It doesn't matter now."

I stood, smacking my hand back to my sides. "You're right, It doethn't matter." _Shit. There it is._ _Oh well, don't stop now. _It took me a second to recuperate, but I still continued. "It's too late now. You might have had a chance if you had told him earlier instead of denying it. Now, he has Dave, and you know what? When he even mentions his name, he smiles. So yes, it doesn't matter. You screwed up. And guess what else. It may have been alright if you would just fucking talk to people sometimes."

He pulled the covers back around his shoulders but never stopped scowling. "You're not the one who should be telling me I need to talk. Isn't that the whole reason Aradia left you?"

Cheap shot. I backed up, staring at him with narrow eyes. "Shut up douchebag."

"Leave." He replied shortly as his gaze returned to the movie. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Yeah, you never want to. Not until it's too much for you to handle, and you end up dumping yourself on me in a pathetic ball of emotion."

His glare intensified, but he didn't look at me. "I thought I told you not to talk about that."

I shrugged. "You wanted me to talk; I'm talking."

His head burrowed deeper into the wad of safety. "Go away." I stood my ground without returning an answer, but his voice came out of the heap; it was quiet now and almost trembling. "Please Sollux, just leave me alone."

I decided I couldn't do anything else, so I simply turned and with a final look back, I walked out of the room. The door clicked just before I slid down it and hung my head, rubbing my neck.

How did this keep happening?


	4. Chapter 4

**Ba-duh! Chapter 4! I wrote a lot of this in my Modern History Honors class… Second day and I'm already bored enough to write. Probably not the best thing… Well, hope you guys like it! Oh, and thanks for the lovely reviews! I really appreciate them C:**

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><p>With a sharp pain, my eyes shot open to find the ceiling directly above me. My head hurt now as I laid in the door way, back on the floor. Then as always, those brown eyes glared down at me.<p>

"You're in my way." He stated bluntly, offering no comment on my current state.

My eyes narrowed as I sat up, rubbing the back of my head. "The fuck Karkat?"

He simply shrugged. "It's not my fault you fell asleep against the door. It's not like it was locked or anything. You could have easily slept in your own bed."

"And force myself to enter the tension filled pressure cooker that you created? Yeah, that would have gone well." I retorted, tipping my head back to look at him.

Another shrug followed by an uncaring grunt. "Like I care. Now, please. Remove your bony ass from the doorway. I have places to go."

Standing, my head tilted. I just now realized that he was in fact bundled up in a thick, black jacket and a scarf that he got from his mother.

"And where is it you're going?" I asked, playing off more indifferent than I really was.

He pushed past me, shrugging down into his jacket more. "You want me to talk to John; I'm going to go fucking talk to John. It's only about a fifteen minute walk from here."

This confused me more; Karkat wasn't the one to listen or do things so irrational. Still, at the risk of getting into another argument, I let it pass and moved on into the kitchen. Pouring a cup of coffee, the door open and shut without even a passing goodbye. I snorted a little at his frank insolence, but leaned up against the counter, casually sipping the warmth in my cup.

It had been about a week since I last had a day off; I wasn't quite sure what to do. With the last drop of coffee sliding down my throat, I decided a ravishing session of intense video games, and by intense I mean the tremendously complex depth of Mario cart, and gorging myself on junk food would suffice. Moreover, with a bad of unopened chips in my arms, I sat on the couch pulling up the controller. I was ready to waste hours, mindlessly playing game; and that I did. The clock somehow slid from eleven to two very quickly. As if on cue, when the clock stroked the hour, the door whipped open and slammed shut. The small bundle of hatred stomped through the room, catching my attention enough to force me to crash right into the wall. Snow fell from his shoulders as he sent me a wavering glance before filing into our room and, once again, slamming the door.

I sighed and reluctantly hauled myself from the indention on the couch. I knocked on the door only to gain a shouted 'fuck off' from my joy of a roommate.

"Karkat-" I was cut off by the door surprisingly being thrown open. He stared me in the eyes that cut into my breath like a dagger. All words were immediately stopped, and I was left staring back down at him; dumbstruck.

My stare merely seemed to agitate him more as the anger resounded from his voice. "Oh, I'm sorry Sollux. I guess I should thank you for your fucking wonderful advice and guidance to go talk to him. It was a joy to walk into Egbert's house only to find an ironically laden tongue being shoved down his throat. It was a fucking miracle; you could not possibly imagine how elated I feel right now."

Before I could answer, the door slammed back in my face again, leaving me stunned and speechless. This quickly passed however, and I opened the door without thinking twice. A pillow hit my face, but after the slight recoil, I started up again, kicking it to the side. "I never told you to go to his house. I just thought you should talk to him. That never meant, 'Karkat, you should go to John's house unannounced.'"

He had already curled himself into a ball on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. "Well, I did what you told me, and look where I am now. But please, spare me your damn jokes and snarky comments. I'm not in the fucking mood."

Unfortunately, this was the moment my anger started to act up again. Apparently even a day with no work still left me racked with a boiling temper. "Hey, I didn't force you to do anything. I simply suggested the fact that _talking _to people isn't a bad thing."

He threw his head back in a laugh, quickly standing from the bed and raising a pointed finger. "Again, you don't get to tell me I need to talk more. You even got dumped because you can't communicate with someone who was obviously in love with you. She followed you around like a puppy, and yet you paid no attention to her."

"Stop bringing Aradia into this!" I shouted, but paid no mind to his visual retreat. "She's gone, we're threw. There's no point to keep bringing that up. So what? I didn't talk to her. Did you ever think it was because I didn't like her as much as I first thought?"

He stepped forward after hesitating, and he jabbed his finger into my chest. "That makes you more of an asshole. You stayed with her and strung her along even though you _knew_ you didn't like her. You are a fucking hypocritical prick."

I smacked his hand away, my temper reaching its height. "Lithten here Karkat. I may have not been the betht boyfriend," _Fight through it. _"But I did care about her. My dating her had nothing to do with how much I loved her. Aradia cared about me. She lithtened to me and actually tried to help."

"Sollux I tried too. But you never seemed to care what I thought. Either that or you were too drunk to focus on anything I said." His tone still held a world of hate as he retracted his hand away from my chest.

"I can't do this anymore." I said simply, calming my tongue enough to speak. Grabbing my jacket off my bed, I pulled it on and turned. To my surprise he called after me.

"And where are you going now? Drinking? Pick up some whore at the bar? Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Just try to make yourself forget about your pathetic life for a couple of hours. But it doesn't go away Sollux. It will still be waiting for you when you sober up."

My back was turned, and I was glad for the shame streaked across my face. "I know. But even if it's only for a couple of hours, I'd like to escape my doleful life." Without looking at him again, I exited the room and followed through to the hallway and out of the building.

It was colder than usual, snow drifting through the sky. The air was silent, the white cover catching every drip of sound and sucking it into the ice. My breath escaped and formed its self as a cloud of vapor around my head. The chill bit at my skin, setting my nerves on edge. I just wanted to run away, never to return. My life had gone from the worst I could think of to something far deeper. Now, the last person I could ever imagine being truly angry with hated my guts; or so I thought. He was probably sitting on his bed cursing at my image in his head, thinking of ways to make me feel worse when I came back. Conversely, and despite my first thoughts, I heard the small smacking of bare feet against the sidewalk. It didn't faze me at first, but when it combined with a familiar voice and the string of curses that followed; I stopped in my tracks. Without turning, a small hand brushed my back as panting breaths fell to the ground. I turned, surprised, to find Karkat hunched over behind me.

"Karkat…" My expression must have been as shocked as my thoughts. For when he stood fully, a light mix of pink and red spread over his cheeks. I wasn't entirely sure whether it was just the cold weather or if he was actually embarrassed, but it still made me a little cautious to continue. "Why are you out here?" I glanced down, and then back up him. "You have nothing on your feet and no jacket. You have to be freezing."

"I don't care." He replied, though it chattered as his jaw trembled.

"Come on, go inside. You'll get sick if you stay out here too long." I put a hand on his shoulder to turn him back around, but he slapped my hand away with the back of his wrist.

"No… You need to come back too." His glance slowly shifted to the ground. "You shouldn't go out like this."

His actions were completely opposite from before. He was almost more bi-polar than I was, _ha_, like that was possible. Even so, I was still strongly confused, and I wasn't quite sure how to react. "What do you mean?" Questions were all I could pose in this situation.

"You're angry with me, and I guess with other people. If you go out like this, you'll only get drunk and wind up flat on your ass. I don't want to deal with you when you're too hammered to even keep yourself from puking all over the place. Plus, you're even more combative when you're drunk." He had gone into full out ramble, and though half the words were mumbled under his breath, he held no anger now. I could tell he was trying his best to be friendly. Even though he had to be freezing, he still stood in the freezing snow to try and make me come back.

I shuffled over his words in my mind. "Alright Kar, let's just go back inside and get you warmed up." I brushed past him, making my way back to the apartment, but he grabbed my wrist. We stood, completely silent as I stopped. Turning to look over my shoulder, he gave a small tug to my wrist. "We need to get inside." He shook his head a little, but what almost seemed as a little reluctance, stepped around me. He stood in my way, staring up with those brown eyes. It was rare to see him without his signature glare; rare, but nice. "What is it Karkat?" He dropped my wrist, only long enough to awkwardly pull me into a tight hug. These shows of affection were so uncomfortable for him, but he did it anyway. He wasn't a bad hugger; just rigid. His muscles tensed and twitched against me. I pat his head, which inevitably settled at my chest, before prying myself from his reach, and walking back in side. He followed at my heels, but quickened to my side as we made our way back.

Once inside, Karkat stayed silent, making no comment on what just happened. He tended to do that; brush his actions off like nothing occurred. His affectionate side came few and far between. I'd learned to embrace it when it comes, though usually not literally, and just be thankful he wasn't yelling at me.

I sat back down on the couch, flicking on the t.v. Karkat sat beside me, curling his knees up and contently watching along with me.

Just as this went, the rest of the night was pretty much the same. It would seem everything returned to normal. We reverted back to our old friendship; making jokes that weren't taken as mocking or insults. We managed to laugh and smile at each other's comments. It was nice to finally have my friend, no, best friend back. A little piece was added back by a simple gesture. Though, I couldn't help feel I really didn't do anything. As always, someone else had fixed the problem. I wasn't the one, who ran out into the snow, chasing after someone; that was Karkat. Karkat told me how he felt, but I told him nothing. Apart from 'we should get inside', I shared nothing. My feelings still slept, bottled up inside. It was frustrating, but I still couldn't get past the happiness I felt to have a friend again.

Once darkness had fallen outside, and we had lost track of time, we decided it was best to go to bed. Turning the t.v. off, we both exited to our bed room. He changing into his normal black and red plaid pants, and I in my extremely childish bee print boxers, we both slipped into our beds and snuggled down into the warmth of the covers. He flicked off the light on his bed-side table, and before too long, I heard the exhausted, but quiet breaths of sleep take over. A smile of content trickled on my mouth as I succumbed to darkness and drifted off.

It had been quite some time since I had slept in my bed. Between uncomfortable nights spent half in the bath room, half in the hallway, and nights passed out on the couch, I hadn't realized how much I had missed the softness of my bed. Although, within the peace, a different noise came; it was quiet at first, as if in my dreams, but when my eyes fluttered open, greeted by the darkness, it became more real and apparent.

A soft whimpering noise came across the room. I sat up, scratching my head. Sliding my glasses on, I could still only barely see Karkat's small form. He was curled up into the tiniest ball possible on his bed. I sighed and slid from my bed, crossing the room quietly. His eyes were tightly shut, and so I assumed he was still asleep. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I placed a hand on his shoulder. Though I couldn't have been able to tell in the dark, with touch I felt that he was trembling. His mutters were completely inaudible, but still his lip quivered with each sound. With the touch, his eyes opened.

Karkat had never been a heavy sleeper, but somehow his nightmares never woke him up. He had been having them for years now; at least as long as I could remember. He used to just hide under the covers and never talk about them. He still almost never did, but now he seemed to be more open to me when he would wake up.

He looked up to me before shuddering away from my hand, pushing up against his head board. I sat, bringing my hand into my lap, as he stared me, astounded.

"Sollux… What're you doing?" He whispered to me and pulled the covers up.

I rubbed the back of my neck. It was the middle of the night and I was too tired to deal with his interrogation. "You were having a nightmare. I thought I'd come over here and comfort you like I used to."

His expression gave way to a small grimace. He did not take a liking to my comment. "Things are different now. I don't need pity; especially yours." His hiss only belied the true fear lying in his throat. He could act tough all he wanted, but I knew the true Karkat. I knew that on the inside he was terrified and just wanted a safe place to hide.

I stood after shrugging. "Fine, I just tried to help." With just half a step, my wrist was locked in his hand again; just as I had thought would happen. I looked over my shoulder, but his gaze was fixed in his lap. With a small sigh, I slumped back onto his bed. Scooting back until I was up against the wall, I out stretched my arm. "Come on, neither of us will be able to sleep if you don't calm down."

A little hesitant at first, Karkat followed respectively, and he huddled up under my arm. Pulling his knees up, his head fell against my shoulder. My arm draped around him, a smile trying to hide its self on my face.

It was true; I did feel most comfortable like this. And yet, I felt slight regret. I hadn't been a acceptable friend to Karkat either. Who knows how many nights he's gone through alone the past few weeks? I was never home, and when I was, I barely ever paid attention to him. My grip tightened, but thankfully he didn't notice.

"Karkat…" I muttered, staring off into the dark room.

"Yeah?" He whispered back after a moment.

"I'm sorry."

He paused again, but eventually shifted a little. "About what?"

I gave a soft chuckle, a little stunned he'd even ask. "I know I haven't been the best friend lately." My tone quickly turned serious which caused him to tense a little. "I know you've been going through some rough stuff, and all I've been doing is making jokes. I feel awful for the way I've treated everyone; especially you."

He stayed silent, fiddling with the blanket.

I closed my eyes and tightened my grip a little more. "You're my best friend Karkat. You know that, right?"

He didn't respond at first, but he then nodded. "Yeah Sollux, I know. You're mine too, even if you are a little douchey sometimes, I know you don't mean it."

I opened my eyes back. I guess I'd never realized he knew me better than I did. "Yeah…" I fumbled out. "I never mean it."

His hand reached up and patted my chest softly. "I know. Now hush, I'm tired. We can talk all you want in the morning."

"Goodnight." I whispered and smiled lightly, as my eyes drooped back. With a small nod, I began to drift back off, but not before feeling his breathing steady into a slow rhythm against my side. That odd comfort returned, but this time, I didn't think about it. Instead, I simply dozed off letting the darkness sweep over and his warmth drag me into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Well after my flashdrive decided to die and I had to re-write about half of this chapter, (That was awful) I finally finished. Well, enjoy! :)**

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><p>When I woke, the space under my arm was empty, but still I sat on Karkat's bed. My neck had a slight pain from the tilt and being pushed up against the hard wall. An interesting, but surprisingly pleasing, smell hooked my senses, pulling me from the bed. I stumbled out of our room, scratching my head with one eye closed. My mouth was dry, and my muscles ached. Sleeping curled up on his bed was not a good idea. I crossed through the hallway and cut in to the kitchen off to the left. Karkat was standing, hunched over to stove with a pot of something boiling over. The steams rose high as he cursed into the air at what had to be a forced whisper.<p>

"Karkat?" I muttered. My voice was slow and tired. He peered over shoulder but turned back to the stove without a word. I smirked, taking a seat at the table. "Is my wonderful wife making me breakfast?"

He sent me a scowl before transferring the mush from the pot into two bowls. It was what I took to be oat meal. Seemed to be the only thing he could make without completely burning it. His frustration and short patience were not the best qualities to have when cooking.

Shoving a spoon in my face, he still hadn't spoken a word. I took the soon, expecting him to sit down across from me, but instead he just stood, staring me down silently. I was a little cautious to taste it, but once I did, I was pleasantly amazed of how non-repulsive it actually was. I gave a light smile and a satisfied noise which he accepted even without words. He then proceeded to take his chair across the table, grabbing his own spoon, and shoving in mouthfuls of the oatmeal.

Breakfast was eaten in silence. It was from a mixture of being so hungry our mouths were constantly full of food and the fact that neither of us knew how to segway out of the events that, oddly enough, transpired last night. I wasn't prepared to comment on the fact that we spent most of the night cuddling on his bed, and I sure as hell was not ready to mention the fact that it was comforting.

After I finished the last bit of mine and dropped my spoon down in the bowl, I looked up to find him licking the bowl like a child. A small chuckle escaped with the tinge of a smile. He caught on, peering an eye with a skeptical brow over the rim.

"Something funny Captor?" He barked, smacking the bowl to the table.

I shrugged, the smile now settling for a smirk. "Oh nothing-" I replied in a somewhat lyric tone before standing. I grabbed my bowl, moving it over to the sink. I was in an exceptionally good mood this morning, and so I decided to actually wash the dishes, as surprising as it may be. With the water warm and the dishes soapy, I washed a few. As I placed them in the drainer, Karkat moved over and leaned up against the counter beside me. He stared at me for a moment before I gave him eye contact for him to start talking.

We had always had a telepathic connection of sorts. We were best bros, what else could you expect?

"So I spoke with John while you still inhabited my bed. I've decided I can't be mad at him forever and waste my time sulking around with a loser like you."

I gave a light snort while wiping my hands on my shirt. "Oh gee thanks wife."

This earned me a punch on the arm. "I'm not your wife jackass. Now come on, I'm being serious."

"Oh wonderful," I retorted. "Serious Karkat? It's unheard of."

I could see another punch, so I sunk away, but thankfully he just sighed. He pushed off the counter giving me the flick of his wrist. "Whatever Sollux. Forget I said anything."

I let out a sigh of my own, but turned calling him back. "Wait Kar- Fine. You talked to Egbert. And?"

He turned back around, averting his eyes. "We're meeting up today to go eat lunch and hang out at the park."

I could tell the idea repulsed him by the visible grimace. I simply shrugged, now pouring myself a cup of coffee. I took a moment to sip some of it while he stood by, shifting impatiently. There was more to it; I knew this much.

"Alright, what's the big deal of telling me then? I don't care what you do."

"You're coming too." He replied hastily.

My brows shot up as I set the mug down forcefully. "Hell no. I will not be there to watch you pine after John with all the sadness and hopelessness of a lost child."

"That's not how I am!" He shouted angrily, but quickly calmed back, rubbing his forehead. "Ok look he's bringing his fucking _boyfriend_, and frankly, I don't want to be tortured alone if they get all flirty. So you're coming with me fuckass. If I have to suffer, so do you."

"And what do I get out of it?" There was no fucking way I was doing this without some sort of benefit.

"Free lunch." It was as simply as that, and unfortunately, it was that easy to sway me. A job at a coffee shop paid very little, and without tips or Karkat's help who knows where I'd be. Free lunch was a simple luxury that was just enough to make my decision clear.

"Fine." I muttered reluctantly, downing the rest of the coffee that burned my throat a little from the heat, but all together felt good.

"Then take a fucking shower and get dressed." With that, he turned and disappeared off into our room once again.

Placing my cup in the sink, I followed his orders, but not without a small, inaudible grumble.

I moved on into the bathroom, starting up the faucet, and stripping myself of my clothing. Tossing it all into a clump on the floor, maybe or maybe not to be picked up later, I glanced in the mirror. A skinny as fuck, pale stranger stared back at me. Small stumble danced along my neglected to be shaved chin, and I rubbed it as if I was in thought. Even if judgments were forming in my head, I didn't feel up to sorting through them, so I turned away from the mirror. Slipping into the shower, the water immediately heated my skin. It was relaxing, and if not for Karkat shouting to hurry up every god damn minute, I probably could have stayed in there all day. It wasn't long before I had completely washed my hair. Content with the light aroma of honey from the shampoo, I cut the water off and stepped out. Wrapping a towel loosely around my waist, I let out a sound of discontent. Of course, I'd forget clothes. With a small sigh, I opened the door as steam rushed out and the colder air of the apartment hit my wet body, making me shiver. I crossed through the hallway, opening the door to my bedroom. Karkat had returned to inhabiting his bed and watching some shitastic movie on the television. I walked in, still holding the towel around my waist so it wouldn't fall.

I stood for a moment, but seeing he wasn't paying attention, I spoke up. "Hey Karkat, I need to get dressed."

He finally pulled his eyes away only for them to widen slightly and his face tint pink. "God Sollux, I don't want to see your naked ass." He stood almost immediately and stormed past me.

With a light chuckle and the shake of my head, I shut the door. Wasting no time, I got dressed in a plain as anything black shirt and jeans.

Oh yeah, I had style.

After getting dressing, I walked out into the main room, tousling my hair dry with the towel. Karkat had moved from being curled up on his bed, to being curled up on the couch watching the same thing. I refrained from making a snide remark about how bad it is.

We had been doing better, even if it had only been a few hours since I woke up. I could sense the anger he held had lowered into its normal rate. He now moved from just tolerating me back to actually being my friend; I certainly was glad.

Upon seeing me, he stood. "Ready?" He asked, but before I could answer, he was already at the door and pulling on his coat. I didn't have time to rebut, but I had no need to. I shrugged on my own jacket before moving to his side. He opened the door, chucking my keys at me, and walking out. Out of reflex, I thankfully caught them before twirling them around my finger. I followed after him but not without shivering from the cold.

We both filed into my truck and slammed the heavy doors shut. The whole frame rattled as I started it up after a few failed attempts. I really should have gotten a new one. As I pulled out, Karkat sat with his chin in his hand, gazing out the window.

It was silent for some time before I couldn't take it. "So, are you ready for this?"

He didn't reply, but with a quick glance I saw him bite his lip.

"Alright, well, we can leave whenever if you know, you want to."

He gave a nod; that was all. It was enough to let me know he was listening at least. After a bit more silence, he ultimately responded.

"I'll be fine as long as Dave isn't going act like a complete jackass."

I snorted with that comment. Finally, insults that weren't pointed at me. We pulled up to the small café at which John had so enthusiastically picked because he was sure 'we'd all have a super time!', or so Karkat claimed in mockery.

Cutting the engine, I sent a glance to Karkat who had already begun undoing his seat belt.

"You sure you don't want to bail" I asked before getting out.

He grunted and swung the door open. "No, I'm fucking fantastic. Let's just do this." He hissed, slamming the door behind him.

I let out a small sigh, but opened my door and climbed out. Walking behind him, he decided to wait outside and stopped. I ran straight into his back, but quickly fumbled backwards. He leaned up against the wall to which I did the same, shoving my hands in my pockets. I stared into the street for what had to be at least ten minutes, but Karkat nudged me with his elbow as he stared off to the side.

I turned my head to see John bouncing down the side walk with all the giddy excitement in the world as his shoulder was inhabited by the arm of none other than Dave _fucking_ Strider. There he was, just as I had expected. Sure, I'd listened to John, Karkat, and occasionally Aradia talk about this 'cool kid'. I'd never actually met the guy, but that's exactly what he was. He screamed swag; as much as I disdained the word. Between the expressionless face and the shades, I couldn't tell whether he was angry or just indifferent; angrily indifferent? Nah, he just had it all together. Damn, he was lucky if that's what it was. I wished desperately to have everything just _peachy._

That, I would pay millions for.

As they approached, I pushed off the wall, motioning for Karkat to do the same. He was reluctantly as always, but still he stood beside me. I feigned a smile, but knew it was impossible for Karkat to even do that much. Instead, he just stood, arms crossed with that scowl piercing Dave straight through the chest; hoping maybe it would be enough to kill.

It didn't though, and they stopped right in front of us. John let out a squeal of excitement before flying into Karkat with a big hug. I raised a brow, just watching with a smug grin as Karkat stared me down ready to kill me if I laughed.

Dave's hands were now residing in his pockets as he scanned me up and down. I did the same to him. Damn it. Just as I started to finally get a good look at him, I realized, he actually was decent looking. Alright, more than decent.

With the small flick of his head he greeted me. "Dave."

"Sollux." I replied with the same, solid tone. Mostly, I secretly mocked him, but not making a point of it we just moved on past awkward introductions.

This guy didn't seem so bad; at least not as bad as Karkat made him seem. But who could blame him for posing him as an ass? He did steal Karkat's _love _away, or some bullshit reason. Who knows…? I frequently zoned out when Karkat went into another one of his 'let's shit on everyone's happiness because my life sucks' rants.

Meanwhile, we moved into the building that had the overwhelming aroma of bread and coffee. Oh god, the smell of coffee how I had come to hate it. It reminded me too much of work. When people said don't work with something you like, they were right; it ruins it. I still liked the taste, but the smell just stressed me out.

We sat at a small, four person table as the silence soon settled in. None of us dared to break, except Egbert. He fidgeted until he couldn't take it anymore. He looked like he was about to burst before addressing me.

"So Sollux, I haven't seen you in a little while, how have you been?" True, last time we'd seen each other was the odd meeting at work. That was what, a week ago? Sure… I guess that could be awhile. While I was contemplating all of this, he was staring me down with those big blue eyes that made me ever so cautious. If it was someone else, I'd blow them off, but John could break any one apart; I guess that's how he managed to hook Strider.

_Terrible_. First thought's always correct, but not to be a downer, I merely lied. "Good I suppose." God, I'm a terrible liar. Though being as oblivious as he was, he took the answer, moving on.

His glance then turned to Karkat who had been having a silent stare down, not with Dave himself, but those incessant shades. I half wondered if he was hiding some sort of cyborg eyes, or if they were rainbow or some shit like that, but ridiculous thoughts stayed in my ridiculous mind. The only thing that broke the contest was John piping up once again.

"I'm really glad you agreed to join us, Karkat. I'm sure we're going to have fun." He blinked suddenly, and shot up from his chair. "Oh guys, I almost forgot, we need to get our food! Hold on, I'll go get something from the counter." He grabbed Karkat by the shoulder tugging him along. "Come on Karkat, come help me."

He followed though not without sending me a painful glance. I smirked at him in advance as I began fiddling with the fork on the table. I looked up, only to find the Strider shades staring me down with the black glisten.

"So how do you manage to live with Vantas all the time? He seems like a fucking joy to be around."

I chuckled softly with the small roll of my eyes. "Oh yeah, a complete joy. He just kind of grows on you. Sure, his insults are a little harsh, but he never means them." And why exactly was I telling him this? Someone I'd known for approximately ten minutes. Oh well, too late now.

He nodded before glancing back to John and Karkat then back to me. "It's the same with Egbert. He is annoying as fuck sometimes, but you're friends long enough it just kind of becomes normal. You learn to deal with them."

I gave a small sound of agreement, but before I could reply, John returned. He's tugging Karkat along with one arm and using the other to carry a large piece of cake. Lunch? This was not lunch. This was a fruity tuity girly meet up in which for guys were supposed to split a fucking humongous slice of chocolate cake.

It would have to do, and hey, it was free.

All four of us began eating, despite the image we were giving off. It was slightly humiliating, but the cake was good, and I was hungry. We finished it rather quickly, and the plate was licked clean by the doings of John; of course he would. Placing the plate back on the table, I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Eh, John. You have a little-" I touched my nose to show that he had somehow managed to smear chocolate all over his. He just tilted his head and- oh shit. Mr. Cool had to step in, wiping a thumb across John's nose before proceeding to lick it off.

I sent a glance to Karkat whose normal glare had intensified, and he was noticeably tensing. It was taking all his restraint not to get up and storm out, but he stayed, as always, because of John.

John's cheeks rose to a deep red blush as he tired, but ultimately failed to hide behind his hands. "Dave!" He squealed.

Being too much to handle anymore, Karkat stood abruptly, but I grabbed his wrist. With an awkward laugh, I stood. "We should get going before it's too late."

Both John and Dave exchanged a skeptical look, but eventually nodded, and stood as well. We paid before piling into my old truck. Somehow managing to trap John in the back with Karkat, and Dave up front with me. John and Karkat started up as soon as we hit the road. John pestered Karkat until the point of shouting; a great amount of unnecessary shouting that was. It was followed by a few kicks to the back of my seat. With hunched shoulders, I was just about ready to yell at them to stop, but a smirk on Dave's face caught me.

I glanced over to him, quick enough to catch it before it was gone. He had been sitting, staring out the window, a fist holding up his chin. Again, I couldn't help but note that he definitely wasn't that bad to look at. Sure, his constant emotionless façade, or what I took it to be, was a little annoying and rigid, but it seemed to only add to the appeal.

I shook my head, focusing back on the road. I shouldn't have been thinking those things; especially about Dave.

The park wasn't too far away, and we soon had pulled up into the parking lot. I cut the engine, and turned around to glance into the back. As I expected, John just grinned back at me as Karkat frowned out the window. Without any word, I swung my door open, hopping out. Everyone followed, and we walked up onto the sidewalk. In front of us sat a small playground next to a few tennis courts and a path that led off into the forest behind. On the other side, was the rest of the sidewalk guiding down the grassy field to the lake shore. A small bridge connected the land to a small island furnished with a few benches and overflowing with flowers. We stood, gazing around before John turned back to Dave, smiling as happy as ever. He gave a small tug to his sleeve egging him on.

"Come on Dave- I want to go swing." It almost came out in a whine, just another thing I questioned as to why either of these guys could possibly love someone as dorky as Egbert.

Dave just sighed, shrugging him off his arm. "Why do you need me? I'm sure you have the capability to swing by yourself, and if not, I think I made the wrong decision dating someone with the brains of an ant."

This instilled a small pout on John's part. Karkat, masking his chance over with resistance to his own suggestion, stepped forward. "Just come with me John." He growled, walking into the playground and over to the swings. The two of them preoccupied themselves with swinging happily, or not so happily in Karkat's view, leaving me, once again, alone with Strider.

Once out of ear shot, he turned back to me with an eyebrow perched over a lens. "So what's his deal?"

This question struck me as odd, but I continued nonetheless. "What's whose deal?"

He stared back, apparently not pleased with my reply. "Vantas. Don't think I haven't realized why he's so god damn insufferable all the time-"

"That's just his personality." I butted in with a shrug.

"Even so, it's worse around me. I know you can tell as well." He was right. "I was there when John first told him about us. He hung up the phone. When he came over to find me and John in a sweet session of tongue fucks-" I almost laughed at the phrasing. "He completely lost his shit and stormed out, slamming every fucking door in the god damn house." I was a little surprised he was even talking this much, I hadn't exactly heard him speak more than a few words since we'd met, but even so, I listened. "It's pretty obvious he doesn't like me, but it has to do with John, doesn't it?"

Shit, he'd figured it out. But maybe not all of it, so I simply shrugged again. "Don't know-"

"Of course you know. You're his roommate, and Karkat isn't exactly the one to hide his feelings. Even if he wants to act like he does. So what's up with him? He got a crush on my Egderp?"

I was silent, and was I sure awful at these silences in which you could never cover up. They just came about all the time. He nodded, turning back around. As he began to take a step, my instincts acted for me, and I grabbed his shoulder. He glanced back at my hand before turning completely around.

"Something wrong? Want me all to yourself now?"

"Fuck no." I replied with a snivel, but I quickly retracted my hand and took a step back. "Don't tell John."

He almost snorted; almost. "Like I'd want to subject myself to that nightmare."

"I'm just saying. I don't want to deal with Karkat's raging hormonal crap any more than you do." I placed my hands back in my pockets.

He turned with that smirk, probably the closest thing I'd get to a normal smile. Just now, as the sun was full in the sky, I could spot the light freckles scattered across his face. Alright, this kid was attractive; there was no doubt in my mind.

He gave short nod, and so I brushed past him and began walking off. However, I didn't even make it half a step away, before he caught me by the collar much as someone would if they were about to clock you, bringing me back. I stepped hind with slight confusion, but he just stared up at me with that smug expression.

"You know, you're not half bad, Captor. I think I could actually tolerate you." With that, he released my shirt, patting it smooth, and he strolled off even then containing the smooth style of anything he did.

And- _Oh, fuck_. There I was, checking out fucking Dave Strider's ass.

Let my life return to complete and utter chaos.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for all the lovely comments guys! A couple of them really made me laugh, and it's always nice to know people like this. :D Well anyway enough rambling, here's chapter 6! Whew, I've been working all night to finish this one**

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><p>The rest of the afternoon was spent lazing around in the park, trying to block out Karkat shouting at us all for god knows why. As the sun began to sink and the dimming night sky crept over the horizon, a sigh escaped us all. We were, as unmanly as it may be, sitting under a large oak that inhabited a great portion of the field.<p>

This whole day had been different. Something seemed to be bothering Karkat more than usual, he almost twitched with anxiousness. It wasn't just because of Dave. I just sure didn't hope he was going to do what I thought he was. He might just ruin anything and everything if he told John now. Thankfully, for now he wouldn't dare.

As we sat there, I once again found myself blatantly staring at the sun dancing across Dave's face. I almost felt wrong for looking at him in this way, but what was the harm in looking?

While I preoccupied myself with this, John was taunting Karkat with some sort of bug in which Karkat extremely disliked. He was shrieking like a little girl which caused an extremely small grin to rise on Dave's lips. Just because of my obviously creeper staring, I caught it, but it was gone in a flash leaving me to search for it again. Blocking all thoughts associated with anything like that, I forced myself to look away.

The sky began to darken even more, and it signaled our departure. John stood first, beckoning us after him. We all followed, standing and walking back to my truck. The door was open, and I was about to get in when John's voice stopped me.

"Oh Sollux-"

I turned around, holding the door in one hand. "Yeah?"

"Dave and I are going to walk back to my house. It's really not that far from here."

I glanced down to their fingers intertwined, already anticipating the blazing glare behind me. With a small nod, I turned back.

"Alright, see you guys around." I then climbed up into my truck, ignoring Karkat's expression the entire ride.

He sat, staring straight forward. It appeared when we were alone, his hatred and depression only worsened. My patience with it had grown short, but I couldn't be angered with him after last night. Every time I felt some hint of annoyance, it was stifled by the odd comfort of having Karkat over flowing with emotions in my arms. And yet, now a more peculiar thought kept returning to my mind. Even though it had been one day, I had taken a new liking to Dave. He was lax and calmed the rest of my chaotic life. Things seemed to slow down and just chill the fuck out. He'd be a good friend to have. _Friend. _I repeated in my head to try and keep the image of his ass and those fucking freckles from clouding the nonphysical thoughts, replacing them with others I didn't mind, but knew they were wrong.

Thankfully, the drive was short due to my wandering mind. Once we reached my usual parking spot, I turned the car off. Karkat opened the door and slammed it shut again without a word. He took to the building as I trailed behind him, skipping a little to catch up. I managed to slip past him after reaching our hallway in time to stick the key in the door, turn it, and push the door open. Before I could make inside, Karkat was already shoving past me. He kicked off his shoes and immediately took a bee line for our room. Again, slamming the door, he left me to my own accord. I had the slight urge to go after him, but I thought it would be better to leave him alone right now. Instead, I typed away on my laptop before closing it and moving to the kitchen.

After not eating anything but oatmeal and a piece of cake, I was quite hungry; as my rumbling stomach made me aware. It wasn't much, but I prepared some macaroni on the stove while heating up some frozen chicken tenders. The smell of the food travelled fast, bringing the unlatching of the closed door. Out wandered a weary bundle of an overly large sweater and sweat pants that dragged the ground. I glanced up from my freshly arranged plate of food to find Karkat glancing at the stove with red, puffy eyes and flushed cheeks.

Fuck. He'd been crying. The guy had less control over his emotions than a child. Though, I let my observation go without comment. I could restrain myself from being an ass some times.

"You can have whatever else is over there." I said, making it as short as possible. Karkat wasn't much of a talker normally, but when he was like this, a single word would be rare.

I began to eat when he slowly made his way over to the stove. Picking a few pieces of chicken and spoonfulls of the excessively cheesy macaroni, he sat across from me. I glanced up only to find him listlessly watching his plate, moving food into his mouth without thought. It was a little pathetic seeing him like this, and it began to tug at my stomach. That queer feeling to comfort him returned, but I knew if I tried; he'd simply push me away. He wasn't in the comforting kind of state as of now.

I finished eating first, and I moved my plate into the sink before turning around. Scraping the remains of his food, which was quite a lot, into the trash can, Karkat handed me his plate then turned back. He moved across the kitchen back towards our room when I suddenly found the need to call him back.

"Hey Karkat," I beckoned, but he just stopped without answering. "Are you alright?"

He stayed silently for a moment, but responded quietly. "No." He whispered, slipping back into the dark bedroom. Surprisingly, he shut the door quietly, and most of all his response hadn't been the usual lie or truth masked by an insult. It was the plain reality. This was definitely something new for me. I didn't know how to react to him like this. I had gotten used to dealing with angry or yelling Karkat, but never when he was this quiet, this messed up. I stepped to go after him, but a buzzing in my pocket stopped me.

_Hey_

Well this was weird. Some mysterious number had somehow got a hold of my own. I planned to ignore it, but it vibrated again.

_Johns asleep and im bored. Entertain me_

I sighed, but still a chuckle slipped out.

_And how exactly am ii 2uppo2ed to do that 2trider?_

_good job. you figured out who it is. you can now pass the first grade_

_ii am iin fourth grade, ju2t 2o you know_

_oh i apologize wise mr. captor_

_You 2hould. Bow down to my sheer abiiliity_

_ never. if anyone, you should be doing the bowing. _

_Oh, Why ii2 that?_

_ because im just that great and you cant possibly handle this much cool_

_iit ii2 too much. Ii don't knkow iif ii can 2urvive_

_probably not. just dont die on me man. then little miss bitchass would have no one to complain to_

I continued to chuckle until- Oh yeah, Karkat. I had almost forgotten. My thumbs hovered over the keys before I replied.

_Yeah 2peakiing of her, ii 2hould probably go before my head get2 riiped off_

_ ha alright see ya bro._

_ yeah, 2ee ya._

I snapped my phone shut, the smile on my face faded slightly as I shuffled over to the bedroom door. Opening, I realized the lights and t.v. were both off. Karkat was already asleep, bundled up as usual. The smile suddenly returning as I saw him sleeping peacefully. I soon slipped into my pajamas and under the covers of my bed. It took no time at all for my glasses to find their way to the table beside me and my eyes to close, happily welcoming sleep.

A few days passed, close to a week. Karkat soon recovered and was back close to his old self. He was never fully the same anymore, but nothing could be done about that. My conversations with Dave had increased as well. They were more of a daily thing now that usually left me laughing and grinning at my phone. Karkat constantly pestered me as to '_who the fuck I was talking to_', but not wanting to risk a fit of rage, I just replied with some tech guy I'd met in one of my classes before the break started. He bought it, a little aversely, but he did nonetheless.

After the days passed, John called and talked to Karkat. The two of us had been invited to John's to join him and Dave for dinner, games, and what not. Karkat agreed almost a little too hastily. He would surely hate himself for it later, but he could never disappoint John. That Saturday we would go to his house, and the day came quicker than I could have expected.

We pulled up into his driveway and clamored up to the door in the freezing cold. Winter was in full play now, and it was as could as anything. Our teeth chattered as I knocked a shaking fist on the door. John answered with his usual buck-toothed grin plastered all over his face as Dave stood behind him. We exchanged a short nod as John pulled Karkat into a hug. He could deny it, but he loved it when John hugged him despite the grumbles and curses he let out. We were soon corralled upstairs into the bonus room. A large t.v. was set across from a brown leather couch and side tables on either side. Other than a computer desk and a few plants, there wasn't much else in the room. JAfter the quick survey, my gaze fell back too John who smiled after hopping back a few steps. He asked for our drinks and we replied accordingly. Upon returning, John handed a glass to me, and bottle of, none other than, apple juice. He swore he drank it ironically after I made a crack about it being a little kid's drink, but there's no other reason than the fact that he loves it.

Then, John clapped his hands together with a grin. "I'll go get the food guys." He turned, but looked back to us, then to Karkat who was standing with his arms folded. He had that nervous twitch going on again; it seemed the more time we spent with these two, the harder it was for him to keep calm.

"Care to help me Karkat?" He would have immediately rejected, that is if it wasn't John. Instead, he just grumbled to himself, following after him as he jumped down the stairs. They disappeared, leaving myself and Dave sitting on the bulky couch as the television murmured with the quiet laughter of a sitcom's audience.

"So, how's Vantas coping with his unrequited love for my oblivious little John?"

It was so blunt and out of the blue, I almost choked on the water that I had been attempting to drink. I sat the glass back down on the table beside me before looking to him, but he kept his gaze fixated on the t.v.

"Excuse me Strider?" I asked, only feigning cluelessness.

"Well, it would seem his glares that are clearly pointed at me more than anything have only grown harsher as he is visibly seething with apprehension." He then turned his head to face me after taking a sip and setting the glass back.

I sighed lightly before replying. "I think you have the answer right there. I'm dreading the moment at which he goes all Karkat and completely fucks everything up."

This triggered a smirk, and I couldn't help but smile at it.

_Damn you emotions._

"How about you and John? Got some gushy boy love going on that would completely slaughter your cool guy brashness?" I meant this is all jocularity, but it left him with slight hesitation. Shockingly, someone other than me had managed one of those incomparably long silences. I raised a brow. Even though I couldn't see them, I could only imagine his eyes shifting off to the side. "Uh-oh, something wrong on the home front?" I asked, a little tentative.

He stayed silent for a few more passing seconds, but sighed and shifted a little. "Nah, everything's great."

I shook my head, not believing a word of it. "I believe that silence spoke for its self."

His expressionless face made no change as he refocused on the screen. "It's nothing."

"Aw, come on Strider," I drawled, teasing with a wine. "Get it off your mind."

Another silence swept across us, but he ultimately turned back, staring me straight on. I sat up a little, unsure how to handle his sudden seriousness.

"Fine, but Captor, if you dare repeat to anyone that I am being a girl and reluctantly participating in this feelings jam, I will personally humiliate you in a way you will never be able to live down."

I held up my hands as a sign of surrender and nodded as they returned to my lap. "Get the fuck on with it."

He sighed again, running a hand through his hair, and slumping back into the couch. "Alright, to spare you from the extensive and awesome filled depths of my intense mind, I'll lay it down simply for you." I nodded again as he continued. "It's not that I don't care for Egbert, I do. He's adorable and all that romantic crap, but I think I'm the first guy that you know," He waved his hand in the air, searching for the words. "He's- been with. He always gets more awkward than usual; yes it's possible, whenever we start like kissing and shit."

My brows had inadvertently raised, but I straightened them out upon acknowledging it.

"Well, I guess you're just more used to it. I bet he'll come around." I really had no idea what to say, so I went with hollow optimism and support.

"See, I don't know if he will. He spent so many years expressing a strictly hetero vibe. He told me once that he guessed I was his '_exception_', and yet he still doesn't seem comfortable with this whole thing. Fuck man, I don't know." He sat up, bending over to place his elbows on his knees. "Forget I said anything."

I gave him a reassuring pat on the back after shifting over a little. "It's alright. I guess I kind of understand. Well not really, but it's been quite some time since I had any romantic mush either."

He snorted a little. "It's not romance. It's just fucking adolescent desire."

I couldn't stifle the laugh that escaped. "That too." I replied with a daring grin. "Nothing wrong with that."

He sat back up; looking at me with the closest thing to a grin I had gotten yet. Almost at once, we both realized the gravity of the situation. As we sat upon the couch, I found that our eyes were boring into each other. Both our faces wiped blank, and a moment of silence passed. However, this moment wasn't hesitant or deceiving, it was comfortable. I wasn't even sure what I thoughts led my body next, but as I leaned, he leaned, closing the gap. The seconds slugged by, my heart sped and slowed rapidly in my throat. Just as I could feel his breath barely even an inch from my face and uncertain fingertips brushing my leg, a door slammed shut sending both our heads snapping back. Up the stairs came stomping feet with curses falling back down, tumbling over the carpet. Unfortunately now we sat, I rubbing the back of my neck, and he adjusting his shades. Karkat's head peaked over the steps, but he didn't even come all the way up before he was staring me down.

"We're leaving Sollux."

I began to question, but his back immediately turned on me. I sent a wavering glance to Dave. He just shrugged and stood. "You gotta do what the pissy misses says."

If it was another time, I would have chuckled, but I could tell something had gone wrong while Dave and I were up here. I brought my self to my feet, slowly dragging them down the stairs after him. Cleary, I wasn't ready to deal with what was waiting downstairs.

Karkat had re-opened the door, and was now standing by the front door not too far off, pulling on his jacket. Dave was not far behind me when we walked into the main room. As we entered, and Karkat pulled on his last shoe, John came shooting from the other room with an almost desperate look on his face. I stopped walking just to watch. I wondered what exactly had happened, but I was sure I knew most of it. John reached Karkat and grabbed his arm, trying to pull him back.

"Karkat, just wait." He said frantically.

Karkat just tugged his arm away, glaring at him. "No John. I don't want to fucking talk about this."

John sent a wavering and distressed daze to Dave and I. It was a look of _help me, _but honestly I had no idea what to do. Seeing we could be of no help, he turned back.

"Come on, let's just talk about this." He pleaded, reaching out once again.

Karkat knocked his hand away before staring straight at me. "Sollux, we are going. Right now."

His tone alone made me want to submit out of slight intimidation, but my curiosity was stronger.

"Now wait Karkat," I began, and already he was gaining those dagger like eyes. "What happened?"

Karkat fell silent just as John looked off to the side.

"I know." John whispered sullenly, now beginning to fidget in place.

Without thinking, I turned my head to glance over my shoulder at Dave. He held up his hands with a small shrug. Alright, so Karkat had somehow told John on his own accord. Unusual. Karkat was pretty good and not saying things plainly, and mixed with John's obliviousness, I surprised he would have ever found out. But nonetheless, he had. Karkat hadn't taken his gaze of the door for a few minutes. Completely silence fell upon us all. I scratched the back on my head trying to sort things out. Just as I was about to speak, John blurted before me.

"Look Karkat I'm flattered but-"

Karkat whipped around, his voice easily overpowering John's weakness.

"Fucking flying shit no John. I don't want your sympathy. I don't want your anything. Forget I Said anything!"

"I can't do that Karkat!" He shouted back, but it was painfully more pathetic.

Meanwhile, Dave and I stood awkwardly on the side lines as the shouting continued. A hand brushed my shoulder making me turn slightly. I could see the curves of his brows were arched and pushed together. It was a subtle _sorry._ I gave a short nod as he moved past me. Calmly he took John by the arm, shutting him up immediately.

That's right. He was johns. He cared for him. He belonged at his side right now.

Still, I did the same to Karkat, and we pulled them off in separate directions. Once opening the door, I sent a final glance back to them as Dave led John back into his room, but not without giving me a final goodbye glimpse over his back. They disappeared around the corner and I pushed Karkat through the door way, shutting it behind me. He was grumbling harsh curses the whole way, but my ears paid no heed.

Every thought contained that last look that I shared with Dave.

What would have happened if Karkat hadn't come upstairs? Was it just a misunderstanding?

My mind raced which only confused me more. This was something new. It was scary, but not all together bad.

My thoughts lingered on the warm breath that had just moments before been dancing around my lips.

I yearned to go back and finish what we had started.

I wanted it.

I couldn't think of anything else.


	7. Chapter 7

The drive home seemed quieter than the drive there. The only break of silence was when I stopped to talk to the person in the drive through. I ordered two burgers, not even caring to ask if that's what Karkat wanted. He wouldn't have answered any way. I still didn't know exactly what happened, but I had the feeling he wasn't going to tell me any time soon. He just sat, arms crossed with the occasional grumble as he stared out the window. I would sometimes glance over at him, but his expression never changed, nor did he ever look back.

When we reached our apartment building, I took the bag of food and hopped out. Karkat followed at my heels, but never said a word. I unlocked the door and walked in. After placing the bag on the table, I sat down and took out my food. Once again, he shadowed me, sitting across the round table. I handed him his own food and he took it without actually looking at me. He stared at the table as he ate, never knowing that I silently inspected him. I couldn't tell if he was angry or sad. There was a thin line between the two, and I never quite knew where he was. I eventually set my half-eaten burger on the paper and wiped my hands on a napkin.

"So how did it happen?" I asked, looking up to him. He didn't reply for quite a bit. He then sighed and glanced up.

"We were in the kitchen and he kept going on and on about how much fun we were going to have and that him and Dave were so happy to have company. This quickly transpired into a rendition of let me tell you how fucking wonderful and amazing my boyfriend is." I smirked, cutting him off there.

"So you got pissed and irrationally blurted something to which could only be explained by your one-sided love for him?" His eyes shot back down to the table with a harsh objection. I nodded and merely continued to eat. "I should've known not to leave you alone."

"You don't have to watch me like a damn child." He spat after standing up from the table.

My head rose as well as my brow. "I didn't and look where it put you. Who knows how John's handling this. He's probably freaking out thinking it's his fault. You know how he is."

Karkat threw the rest of his wadded up burger and paper into the trash can. He then turned back to me. "I know what's probably going on, but I don't want to think about. So, just shut up and leave me alone."

He turned swiftly and walked off into hall with the slight stomp of his feet. "Karkat-"

"Fuck off!" He shouted back to me before smashing the door into the frame.

I sighed, disposing of my trash and walking off into the living room. With the push of the button, the t.v. turned on. After a few hours of mindlessly watching it, I glanced over to the clock. It was nearly ten, and Karkat still hadn't come out of our room. I figured it was best to leave him alone for now, and I didn't want to move. I had become quite comfortable on the couch, and though quite early for me, I decided I had nothing better to do than sleep. I turned the t.v. off and closed my eyes. However, before I fell asleep, a buzzing in my pocket made my eyes open again. I pulled my phone out, only to smile lightly at the sight of Dave's name. What a girly thing to do.

_hey_

_ 2up_

_ nothing_

_ liiar._

_ as if. you dont know me_

_ ii do too. iim like a god2end ii know everything_

_jesus captor. youre annoying._

_ and here ii wa2 thiinkiing you liiked me._

_ oh yeah man. of course._

_ but 2eriiou2ly… what wa2 that?_

_what was what_

_ 2triider you know what_

_ Yeah_

_ shit man i dont know_

_ 2o… are we ju2t going to leave iit like that?_

_ well what else can we do_

_ ii dont know… what iif we… fiinii2hed iit_

_ im at my place. i could be there in like fifteen minutes_

I paused, staring down at the stream of messages. I worried my bottom lip, thumbs tapping the keys but typing nothing. Was this really going to happen?

_sounds good._

_ dont miss me too much._

I snorted. Just like Dave to leave on a note like that. I flipped my phone shut, brushing a hand through my hair. The next several minutes were spent with me sitting on the couch, waiting in the dark. I entertained myself with thought instead of moving to turn the television back on. That was, up till I heard the knock at the door. I stood with slight indecision, but I soon walked over to the door. I turned the knob and opened the door quietly. The light from the hallway flooded into my dark apartment, and there, in front of me stood a shivering Dave, bundled from head to toe. Between the scarf wrapped up to his nose, and his hands shoved in his pockets, if not for his shades and strikingly blonde hair, I might not have been able to tell who he was. But dare I say he looked… cute? Apparently I had wasted many seconds simply staring at him, because he pulled his hand from his pockets to tug the scarf from his face.

"Are you going to stand there forever Captor, or let me it?" He asked a little harshly. I grunted, stepping to the side.

"Come on in." He brushed past me as he blatantly looked around my apartment. I turned to close the door, and upon moving back around, I found him oddly close and now staring up at me. A small, almost nervous, chuckle slid past, but it was cut short by Dave stepping closer. That sneer was wiped all over his face as he brought a hand to my cheek.

"Dave-" I whispered, feeling utterly defenseless as had he me pinned to the door.

"You wanted to finish this too, right?" That shut me up. He inched closer with a small chuckle. "That's what I thought." He whispered, and I could feel the breath escape just before my longer wanted contact was fulfilled, and our lips met. The kiss was light and rather innocent as he pulled away and moved a few inches back. His hand slid from my face, but I grabbed his wrist, pulling him close. Even if it did take him by surprise, the only thing that showed was the arch of his brows.

"My, my Captor. Feeling a little frisky?" The corners of his mouth were twitching, trying to hold back a grin.

"Hey, you started this. So shut the fuck up Strider." I took his chin between my thumb and finger, tilting his head up. Receiving no reply on his part, it was my turn to lean down and return the favor. This time, the kiss was more desperate for contact, thankfully neither of us protested to the intensity of our crashing lips. Fingers tweaked and wound their way through my hair, my hands fell into place on his hips, and I decided it had been far too long since I had done this.

Without breaking connection, I turned and led him back from the doorway and over into the other part of the large room. Tile from the kitchen switched to carpet until the bump of the couch hit my knees. They gave way as I flopped down into the cushion, bringing him with me. We had managed to never allow our lips to stray save a few breaths taken here and there. With Dave's knees on the couch as he straddled my hips, the fury that was my mind went completely blank. Everything stopped but the tongue darting past and the teeth nipping at my lip. Damn, he was too good at this. Fingers were lost in the mess that was my dark brown hair, and both our glasses were askew, clanking with every movement.

As his soft lips trailed kisses down my jaw before settling on my neck, I allowed the small sounds bubbling in my throat to escape in a purely pitiful moan. And at that moment, everything was lost in the blur of passion. All was perfect until the click of a door made me freeze. I was breathing heavy from being ensued in the long stream of kisses, but I tried to calm it quickly. I failed, only anticipating what was coming for me. My hands that had been glued to his hips tensed, clenching into fists against his waist. His lips broke from my neck, and he lifted up to search my face. He opened his mouth to speak, but the voice that I heard wasn't Dave's.

"Sollux?" A quiet, scratchy voice called from the darkness. How had I completely forgotten about Karkat? All apprehensions I had about him sleeping in the next room were lost the second I saw Dave. Now, they all flooded back. I could only imagine what was going to happen.

The sliding of socks across the carpet came closer until they stopped abruptly. Dave had realized it as well, and he froze, biting his lip. I closed my eyes shouting in my mind when Dave began to slide off of me. He had been my shield for the past few seconds, but now as he moved, a small gasp broke the deathly silence of the night.

"Dave." The voice had gone from a tired question to a deep loathing abrasion.

I opened my eyes back to find the flashing glower skimming between Dave and me. Dave set beside me only for a second before standing. He looked as if he was going to escape, but he stayed. Karkat stepped closer, rubbing his eyes.

"What the fuck is going on here?" The intensity of his irritation made me sink back against the couch even further. He turned his attention mostly on Dave, it was easier for him. "Why are _you_ here. Shouldn't you be off with John? Or could you just not get enough from him? God, he doesn't deserve this, and you sure as hell don't deserve him."

"It's not my fault that he doesn't love you back, so just cut the crap and stop giving me shit."

His eyes widened a little with the comment, and his eyes flicked down to me. "You fucking told him? I can't believe this." His voice rose, hands clenched into fists.

"Even if he hadn't told me, it was downright obvious. You should just consider yourself lucky Egbert is so god damn oblivious." He sighed, looking back down to me. "Sorry Sollux, I'll see you later. I can't take this idiot right now." I couldn't even form a reply; I just nodded as a small tug of a frown came to his face. He walked past Karkat and me quickly escaping through the door. It shut in the silence as we stared at each other. Moments of stillness passed, but his anger became too much.

"The fuck Sollux?" He beamed loudly. "I leave and you're alone, but I wake up to find Strider sucking on your neck. Do you even comprehend how vexatious this is? One, it's Dave Strider, but two he's, John's fucking boyfriend. I didn't even think you could possibly reach a new level of douchbaggery, but congratulations, you have accomplished a whole new plane. You can't-"

I sighed deeply, running a hand over my face and through my hair. "Karkat I don't want to hear this." He stopped talking, but his speechlessness quickly passed, leaving him to spat more irritated words.

"Fuck no. You don't just get to tell me when you do and don't want to listen. You keep telling me to talk, well I am. You're going to listen whether you want to or not."

I stood, apparently intimidating him as he shrunk back a little. Still, he stared at me even as I stepped closer. "Just shut up. You don't have the right to criticize me for this. You don't control my life. And besides, why should it bother you? You're not involved with any of us. Even if you do _love_ John, it doesn't matter in this situation."

He mumbled something, turning around. "What was that?" I hissed after him, my anger already escalating.

His eyes cut back. "You wouldn't understand why I care." He then attempted to stalk back off into our room. Though, I followed after him, catching him by the wrist just as he reached the doorway. He jerked his wrist away from my grasp, glaring at me.

"Explain it to me then. If I wouldn't understand, please tell me so I will. Fill me in on the inner working depths of your shrill mind."

He turned back around completely, but I suddenly felt that hollow anger again. I had become all too familiar with the edge of his emotions. Now, they were teetering between his normal hatred and the downpour of contemptible remorse just on the other side.

"Fine, I will try to tell you in the hopes that your idiotic brain will be able to comprehend just a tiny portion of what I'm saying. You want to know why I'm so angry? You want to know why you are the single most infuriating person I have ever had to live with? It's because- god, you are supposed to be the only thing that doesn't change."

Wait, what? I had been expecting an over flow of insults and shouted resentment, but instead I received this. I didn't even know what this was. It was as if he was trying to mask some sort of twisted complement.

"Damn it Sollux, all you've done lately is complicate things. When all I needed you to do was just stay in the back ground and solely be my friend, you had to wedge yourself into the main picture." Despite his efforts, I didn't understand any word out of his mouth. I tried desperately, but nothing was coherent. Still as his eyes shifted off to the side, and his voice became quieter, he continued.

"Why couldn't you just keep your distance? From any of us. Now, you're doing all that stuff with Dave, and- You can't get out of this web now. Because you're with him or some shit, that affects John. And recently you've somehow even made a larger fucking impact on my life. You were supposed to be the one I could count on; someone who I could come to only if I wanted them, but never someone who I actually needed. I bet you don't even see it. But, ever since middle school you've just been that awkward best friend I have that does nothing other than stand behind me and say nothing. I was perfectly fine with that, but now, you're making this so much more complicated…"

His speech turned into rambling rather quickly, only making it harder to understand. It didn't help that I was completely dense when it came to Karkat's feelings. He was a surprisingly complex person who usually hid nothing once you got him talking. And that's exactly what he did. He had just spilt out everything at once, but it was so inscribed with the point of dancing around the fact that I couldn't comprehend it. I stared down blankly at him, uttering nothing until I stammered through all I could manage.

"Karkat… What are you trying to say?"

He looked back with those pathetically wide eyes, glowing with vulnerability. They were welling up, and fuck, why did he have to be so pitiful? Even if I wanted to just bring him tight and let him cry like I've always done, something was holding me back. My arms twitched, but never rose. My lips curled to speak, but no words escaped.

"Sollux, I-" He cut himself off and gazed at me. I stood, completely unsure what to do. An instant passed with no movement and no speech, until he stepped closer and moved up high on his toes. He hesitated, but inhaled sharply just as he placed a soft kiss against my lips.

I didn't know how to react, and before I had the chance to, it was broken. It went as quickly as he had moved. Turning, he silently entered our bedroom, shutting the door. However, this time, I heard the click of the lock. This left me with my eyes drilling into the door and a blank expression accented by vacant and parted lips. What had happened didn't truly sink in until I blinked, my head spinning faster than ever. A hand raised as my fingers brushed over my lips. It had been something so soft and more meaningful than anything else I had done that night.

He was right, I hadn't seen it. But even now, I still wasn't sure what to do. The only thing I did know was that I didn't mind it at all.

It was pleasing and calming. Just as I had felt so comfortable those nights with Karkat asleep in my arms, this had felt the same.

It was utterly confusing, but it felt entirely right.


	8. Chapter 8

**Yeah so quick thing. I am terrible at grammar XD I'm sure you've noticed, and a few of you have commented on it. So… yeah. I usually have my friend proofread my stuff, but she's been really busy lately. Anyway, yeah sorry about my profound ability to suck at grammar… Oh, and also, sorry this chapter is so short, but I got what I wanted out of it. That is all. You can enjoy chapter 8 now :)**

* * *

><p>I stood, dumbfounded for a few more passing seconds before turning. I fumbled my way through the apartment. I made my way to the couch before flopping down and cradling my head in my hands. Everything had just been turned upside down. Nothing made sense. I had an odd feeling of content, but it was almost equaled by my confusion and uncertainty. In one night, I had the burning passion for one, but also the much more subtle necessity for another. Both responded, and I couldn't forget about either.<p>

Which was stronger though? Which was more comfortable?

I couldn't decide. My mind was spinning again; thoughts rapidly shooting past one another. I slid onto my back, pulling the blanket down from the back of the couch. It covered me in a layer of warmth as I draped my arm over my eyes. I attempted to make my thoughts rest; only to fail. Nothing would stop moving. I, in time, forced myself into sleep, but it didn't seem tangible.

Presently, everything was black. An overwhelming darkness rang through the air. I could hear my own breath, but nothing else. All was silent, and I found myself holding my breath in order to not break it. Although, my best efforts to become deaf to the darkness failed; a sound resonated through. A voice, quiet but evidently shouting called out.

"Sollux!" The voice called. It repeated my name louder and louder each time until- I recognized it when it echoed again.

"Karkat!" I yelled back. And it came from another direction.

"Sollux!" My head whipped around, but it was only met with darkness. It cried again and with it, I turned swiftly in the opposite way. Still, I saw nothing.

Everything fell silent again, and I turned frantically, spinning in one place. Then I saw him. Standing with arms clutching his sides and those eyes, welled up with tears, were flooding like waterfalls down his cheeks. No words came even when my mouth opened to call out to him. I stepped forward trying to reach him, but suddenly, a piercing light broke the shell. It spread quickly, blinding me. The white light burned in every inch of the expanse. My eyes shut, not being able to take it, but they soon opened again and fluttered to adjust. Pupils contracting, focused, and I could once again see. However, there was nothing to see. Karkat was gone. I turned around again, only to be met with that smug grin.

Staring back at me were those slick, black shades. Dave stood just a few feet away from me, but as I stepped with an arm extended, he moved further away. It was taunting as I reached again. Every time he just inched further and further away.

The voice came again. "Sollux-" It wasn't a shout this time, now it was almost a whimper.

I turned to find Karkat once again standing alone. My head swung from side to side, looking from Dave to Karkat. Both of them simply stared at me; mocking me with my own mind. If I dared move in one direction, they would both scoot further back. After many attempts, I couldn't take it. My knees gave way, and I sunk to the ground. Crouching on my knees, I threw my glasses across the white floor that melded into nothingness. The heels of my hands dug deep into my eyes as I tried to stifle the blubber forming in my throat. It was unstoppable though. It soon found its way out and contorted into a painful sob. My breaths staggered in between gasps until that voice, that damn voice, cut me off.

"Sollux…" It was so soft. My cries stopped just upon hearing it. My head tilted up as I wiped the tears from my eyes. In front of me, was Karkat. He was standing with a hand extended and the softest expression I have ever seen. He was so close that I almost didn't want to believe it. My hand rose, and for once, he didn't move away. He stayed with a faint smile; something I had only seen on rare occasions. The tips of my fingers brushed his, and everything felt real. Grasping his hand, he pulled me to my feet. He tipped his head back to look up at me, and at that instant, he wrapped his arms around me. Leaning up as much as he could, he delivered another soft kiss to my cheek.

The world exploded. The white shattered and the black returned. For a split second, everything was silent, but then I jolted. I sat upright and the beads of sweat were running down my face. I wiped my forehead, finding myself sitting on the couch in my apartment. A wave of relief fell over me, but it was quickly cut off by the sudden rush of panic. My emotions were blazing, and I touched my face. No longer was sweat the only thing running down my face. It had been replaced by salty tears streaming lines down flushed cheeks.

Ripping the blanket from my legs, I stood on violently shaking legs. I staggered through the living room and over to the door. I didn't even try the knob, it would still be locked. I began to bang my fist on the wood. The bellows of the knocks grew harder as I persisted. Angered and frantic breaths were heaving in my chest. I had no idea why I felt so terrified, but only one thing could stop it. The pounding continued until finally, the click of the lock turned, and the door opened.

Karkat stood rubbing his eyes. In this half daze, he couldn't even mange to glare; I was thankful for it. Without thinking, I stepped forward and pulled him into my chest. Squeezing him tightly, I didn't want to let go. Nothing could make me now. My cries confused him for a second as he tried to pull away, but I wouldn't let him. My arms only wound tauter around him. Soon enough, he couldn't reject me anymore, and he gave in. His thin arms raised as small hands brushed my back. Before long, they were grabbing onto my shirt, tugging it in different directions. I steadied my breathing with my face buried into his wild hair. The cries stopped, and once again I felt alright.

I hugged him tightly for what felt like an eternity, but I was purely content with just holding him. His quiet breaths grew hot against my shirt. I moved back a little so he could breathe, but he pulled tighter. I couldn't help but smile as my grip turned slightly loose. Now, it was a comforting embrace instead of the death-hold I had on him earlier. After another moment, his fists released my shirt, but he didn't move away. He only stood, hugging me softly and letting me know he was there.

I lifted my face, solely to leave a small kiss on the top of his head. It almost felt odd giving this sort of affection to him, but at the same time it was all together right. I was completely calm now, even blissful perhaps. I actually held something that was mine and that I knew would always be there. It was something I hadn't felt in a while; possibly never.

Yes, never had I felt something so true. That's just what this was. Real.


	9. Chapter 9

The sun dripped on my face, plucking at my lids. As my eyes opened, they fluttered to adjust quickly to the change in light. The sun had risen, and with it came all the memories of last night. What came first was not the long embrace I had held with, who could no longer be described as just my best friend, Karkat. Instead, it was the nightmare of shouting, darkness, and immense bright light. The sudden panic returned until I shifted slightly, and I felt a small squirm under my arm. I glanced down and couldn't hide the smile as I remembered the other half.

After Karkat finally pulled back from our embrace, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the room. I had thought the fondness would have ended there, but in its place, he tugged me over to his bed. Not allowing me to return to my own, he drew me down with him as he flopped into the covers. That's where he had caught me once again and clung to me. He wouldn't let go, and I gave in after little time. We had fallen asleep like that for the second time, and I felt even more relaxed now than I had the first.

Karkat still laid, arms wrapped tightly around my torso. His head resting against my chest, and I could feel his small, steady breaths. My hand rose, brushing through his hair. Something about this subtle moment made me want to make it last forever. This sense of pure bliss ran through me, and I sunk back against the wall. Everything was fantastic until my eyes shot back open. I looked over to the clock that read _7:45_. Fuck, I had fifteen minutes to get to work.

As carefully as I could, I slid out from Karkat's grasp. His arms fell, but he turned over and wrapped them around a nearby pillow. He let out a small sound which made me turn back around, sliding on my glasses. I simply stared at him for a moment wondering to myself how I had never seen this before. I had never realized how adorable he could be. Well, no, I had realized it; many times, but I always pushed the thoughts away either because of the whole John ordeal, or the fact that he was, in fact, my best friend.

_Not anymore._ I thought quickly. He was so much more now. It was still making my mind spin, but I shook my head. Work. That's what I had to focus on. I quickly changed clothes, trying harder than I ever had to not wake him. Once I had redressed, I moved into the kitchen. I only had time to toast a piece of bread before heading out of the door. I shut it quietly before heading down the stairs and off to my truck.

Monday's were slow. Past around eleven, the men and women who were on their ways to work had passed through. Now, only a few people lingered in and out of the shop carrying cup of warm coffee into the winter air. I stood, leaning up against the counter through the rest of my shift. Break came and went, leading to more monotony of mindlessly filling cup after cup. Few tips were given, as usual, but I took anything and everything. Money continued to fall short, and with school approaching, I kept scrambling to make rent. It didn't help that I had to support Karkat's ass as well. Sure his parents persisted on sending him money, but it was soon gone. Rent was high, and adding in groceries and household commodities, money was scarce. Soon enough, books would need to be bought, fees would need to be paid, and on top of everything, I wouldn't be able to work as much.

My thoughts enveloped me in a ball of stress. So much so that I had blocked my eyes and ears from the world around me. A voice broke through however, followed by the tap of a foot and the popping of bubble gum.

"Sir." The voice beckoned in an irritated tone. When I didn't respond, it only called again. "Sir." She repeated as a finger was now snapping in my face.

I blinked only to find a young girl standing impatiently in front of me.

"Where's my coffee?" She asked, and I looked down to find myself holding a full cup. I slipped on a cap and handed it to her with an offered apology. She didn't take it however. She slammed her money on the counter before turning and clicking out on her tall heels.

The past few days had been such a blur, they all blended together and became one mass of confusion. I had been set into a daze for the rest of the day. I filled cups and pushed the register's buttons without even realizing it. All I could think about was getting back home; that's all I wanted. I wanted to maybe settle some things, or not. That was fine too. I just needed to get out of here and be somewhere I could relax.

When the sky became dark with nightfall, my shift was over. I hung my apron on the hook, un-tucking my shirt. After cleaning the pots and wiping all the tables and counters down, I slipped on my jacket and grabbed my keys. I flicked off the lights, stepping outside and locking the door behind me. Upon turning around, I found a familiar figure rested up against the window. Even with his head buried deep into his jacket hiding his face completely, the bright blonde was already identified in my mind.

"Dave." I stated with a slightly questioning tone. I stepped to his side, and he raised his head. Shades still glued to his face, he offered a smirk. I had taken this to be his own form of a smile and I humbly returned it with one of my own.

I began walking, and he followed right beside me. Although the walk was quiet or some time, he broke it after a few minutes.

"So how bad did Vantas freak on you?" He asked, stifling the small chuckle.

"Not too bad…" I only half lied. I didn't really want to explain to Dave the complexity of the kiss he gave me. I still didn't quite understand it myself, and it sure wasn't going to be easy explaining it to him.

"He yell?" I nodded in response. "Figures."

"Did he-"

"Tell John?" He cut me off. How did he do that? It was like he knew exactly what I was thinking. "Nah."

A sigh of relief escaped, and my entire form relaxed a little. "At least for now." I replied in an almost mumble.

It was his turn to nod. He seemed truly thankful as well. Any break down avoided from John was a good thing. He cried like a little girl, and any situation that a normal person would have a hard time with, he was a thousand times worse. "I'm a little surprised though. Usually he'd flip his shit and run to John like a fucking baby."

For some reason, a sudden irritation came from the comment, but I suppressed any notion of it. I continued walking without giving any reply. His brow perched with my sudden silence. I could tell he was already questioning something. Apparently, he decided it better not to ask, and he just strolled by my side. This was seemingly all he wanted, for when we reached my apartment building, he looked as though he was ready to head his separate way.

When I stopped before turning to walk in the building, I turned to face him. Both our hands were shoved in our own pockets until he removed one and slid it onto my neck. My first instinct was, for some reason, to move away, but I didn't. That was up to the point where he was leaning up and kissing me almost gently. My mind snapped then, and my hands emerged from my pockets, pushing his shoulders back. He broke from me, and even with the shades, I knew he was searching my face with confusion.

"I can't." I said, glancing off to the side.

"Why?" He questioned. "Egbert doesn't know, and it seems Karkat's not going to snitch."

I shook my head. "It's hard to explain." It became clear exactly how difficult this situation had become so quickly. He stepped back, hand falling to his side.

"What'd he do?" Just like Strider; hitting the nail right on the head.

"Nothing." I muttered back, but her caught my chin and brought back my gaze.

"What did Vantas do?" His tone was almost… Serious. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little intimidated by his stare. Not being able to see the emotion in his eyes didn't help the fact either.

"He- well…" I stammered through it, my gaze sliding back over again. "He kissed me." I fumbled out in a whisper.

His hand fell again. He almost seemed shocked as he took another step back. "What about John?"

I shrugged, glancing back occasionally. "I've been asking myself the same thing." I could finally hold a stare again, and I rocked from my heels to my toes uncomfortably. "Just for right now, I don't think we should do anything. I know this, whatever this is, just started, but I need to settle some stuff out. Is that okay?"

He almost smirked, placing a strong hand on my shoulder. "It's totally chill, bro. Well, now that we've pretty much killed my cool for tonight, I think that's my cue to leave." He turned to the side and began walking back down the sidewalk but not without spinning and giving me a short wave. "Just call me whenever you need a little time with some Strider swag." He then turned back around and strolled off into the night, nonchalant as ever.

I snorted a little as his obviously unruffled manner, only jealous of his seemingly collected attitude. If only I could have the same confident boldness. No longer being able to see him, I walked down the short expanse of the cement leading up to the building. Filing up the stairs, I unlocked the door and opened it to the dark apartment. The t.v. was on, but the first thing I noticed was the curtains pulled astray. They looked almost thrown as pillows scattered the ground and the remote was laying halfway across the room. I took off my jacket and threw it into a chair before picking the pillows up. Setting them back on the couch, I retrieved the remote and turned the t.v. off. I then moved into the bedroom in search of Karkat. He was sitting on my bed with a pillow between his knees and his chest. He was hugging it tightly only removing his stare at the wall to glare up at me.

Why did he look so angry? It couldn't be because I left him alone. He knew I had work; I couldn't have done anything about that. And we left on good terms, so I couldn't decide what could possibly have him so peeved.

"You just had to kiss him again." He spat. Oh, shit. He saw that. The curtains were indeed exposing the window. I sighed, placing my head in my hand.

"Karkat-" I began, but he stood, throwing the pillow to the ground.

"Do you think you can play with everyone like this? Jumping from person to person without deciding anything? Life doesn't work that way Sollux, at least not a good life. I can't believe-"

"Karkat." I stated louder and sterner. It obviously daunted him as he silenced. "Look, Dave kissed me. I stopped it immediately, alright?"

His face contorted into a look that was skeptical, but he clearly wanted to believe me. He was only silent for a moment before starting right back up. "Still, you need to have more control of your life. If he did kiss you, you still started this. I can easily tell John about this. And believe me Sollux I-"

I stepped forward, winding an arm around his waist. Catching him mid-sentence, I captured his lips with a soft kiss and hushed him. He pulled away, eyes flicking over my face and cheeks brilliantly red.

"Sollux-" My finger rose to his lips before sliding away as my hand caressed his cheek.

"You talk way too much Karkat." I whispered, and he swallowed as I inched closer.

It was like a magnet as his face grew near out of his own will. Soon enough, lips had met again, his arms were draped around my neck, and his eyes were closed. I could feel his face growing hot against my cold hand, but his wild blush only made me smile.

It wasn't long before we both needed to breath, so I pulled away keeping only a few inches between us. My forehead rest against his as warm breath swayed around my face. Those vivid and wide brown eyes opened slowly to peer innocently up at me. With a kiss placed delicately on my cheek, he shifted away. He nuzzled his head into my chest. As his arms turned loose, immediately retuning to around my waist, fistfuls of my shirt were tugged softly. I raised a hand, running my fingers through thick brown hair.

All the time, I continued to question how stupid I had been. How on earth had I not seen this? This pure comfort that had always lived and slept just feet from me. I had never felt this much security, and I continued to wonder if it was real. If it wasn't just some cruel dream I would wake up from.

But as another tug came to my shirt, and I could feel his arms around me, I knew it wasn't fake. I knew this was actually happening. I knew I had finally found something worth living for.


	10. Chapter 10

Days passed, and nothing changed. Nothing other than the fact that my relationship with Karkat was now flipped like a table thrown across the room out of anger. Except anger was the exact opposite adjective for this situation. Anger was how I would have described this friendship with him, but now, this couldn't even be described as friendship anymore. With tentative kisses to the cheek, and hugs that last longer that any others, this was beyond the realm of friends. I still wasn't sure exactly what it was, but it was something I hadn't felt in some time. It wasn't bad; not in the least, but it always left me questioning what was going on. It was good though. It felt nice, so I didn't dare try to stop it. I returned the kisses, as light and hesitant as they were, and I embraced him with care and affection. Yes, every time I felt almost nervous, but the flutters seemed to hold a certain appeal. Though, it wasn't until that Friday that I realized how much I could actually care for him.

It was a bright day as the sun peaked through the window. My eyes opened as a yawn escaped. I sat up with an elongated stretch that moved into the scratch of my head. Karkat lay, still asleep. This was usual, so I moved up and took a quick shower before coming back into our room. Recently, I had become more cautious about dressing in our room while he slept, so I took my clothes back into the bathroom. After putting on clothes I hung my head into the doorway.

"I'm off to work Karkat."

I was met with a small groan, but not the usual sound. Normally, he just grunted and went straight back to sleep. However, this sounded almost painful. Stepping in fully, I saw he was now curled into a tight ball under the covers. I walked over to him slowly before placing an arm on his shoulder. He shuddered at the touch and tried to sink further down into the mattress.

"Karkat, is something wrong?" I asked, now a little concerned.

He groaned again and shifted onto his back. With half lidded, red eyes, he stared up at me. He mumbled something though I could tell his voice was scratchy and weak. I leaned I closer, beckoning him to repeat it.

"I feel terrible." He whispered into my ear. What usually would have been either a shout or a sharp hiss was now just a small whimper. I stood back up relieving him with a light fondle of his hair. Even in this state, I could feel his head push up slightly into my hand.

"I don't have to work late tonight. Think you can manage for a couple of hours?" He nodded slowly, but turned back on his side and curled up again.

I turned then, and walked off after sending him a final glance. I didn't want to go and leave him like this, but I knew I couldn't get out of work. So, I exited the apartment, turning all the lights off and making sure the door was locked. It was rather cold today; therefore I decided to take my trunk instead of walking. With that, it only took about ten minutes to drive over to the coffee shop.

I entered before many people had gotten there, but I still had to push past a small line forming. Making my way behind the counter, I slipped on my apron before manning my station at the register. Orders flew in as customers flew out. Cup after cup was poured. The minutes whizzed by, but with every one came worried thoughts. They all flicked back to Karkat. I constantly questioned whether he was okay, if he hadn't gotten worse, whether or not I should leave. All these were answered however when my break came. I rushed into the back with peculiar speed, and flopping down on the couch, I flicked my phone open. I was frowning at the sight of the small envelope on my screen before I even read it. Almost reluctantly, but altogether anxious, I opened the message. I grimaced deeper with anticipation upon reading the black text.

_Hey, are you on break yet?_

My first thoughts were wrapped around the fact that he had completely dropped his usual quirk. I had only received a few messages in which complete caps weren't used. This was restricted to austerely serious matter, or in this case, when he simply didn't feel like putting in the effort.

_ii am now._

It took some time for a reply, but once my phone buzzed, I opened the message hastily.

_I know you have to work, but I really feel like a pile of shit. _

_Ii'm sorry kk. iis there anythiing ii can do?_

_Could you come home early?_

I hesitated; this was something I had contemplated, but nothing I could see happening very easily. Before I could type a response, my phone buzzed again.

_Everything hurts. Please, I need you here._

My heart jumped, and I couldn't help but give in.

_giive me a miinute._

I replied quickly before snapping my phone shut and sliding it back in my pocket. I stood from the couch with a sigh and continued to move over to a large door jutting off from the hall. A small silvery plaque that read _manager _stared me in the face. I layered a soft knock on the door, but receiving no reply, I knocked again; harder.

"Come in." A deep voice called from behind the wood.

After taking a short breath, I turned the knob and opened the door. Stepping in, I shut it behind me and folded my hands behind my back nervously. I stared cautiously at the large, burly man who sat behind the desk. With a small clearing of my throat and tapping of my foot, his eyes flicked up from his work only to rest back down.

"What'ya want Captor?" He bellowed in which I shrunk back lightly.

"Well sir, I uh- was wondering if I might be able to get off work early." My voice was unusually weak; I hated my lack of confidence when talking to people like this.

"Is your break over?"

"Yes sir." I replied.

"Then get back to work." He ordered without even looking up from the paper he was incessantly scribbling on.

My jaw clenched along with my fists, but I didn't budge. "I'm sorry sir, but my roommate is sick and-"

"Are they dying?" He cut in, sending me a harsh glance with cut up eyes.

"No, I don't think so." I hissed, trying to cut back on my spite.

"Then get back to work. He'll be alive when you get off."

"Sir," I started up, speaking louder. "I have been working extra hours for over a month now. Please, let me have one night off."

He smacked his pen down, and his head rose to stare at me angrily.

"I don't care how many hours you've worked. You took those willingly, now please. Leave my office and work until your shift is over."

"I can't do that." I rebutted quickly.

He eyed me for a second before standing from his desk, placing his hands firmly against it.

"And why is that Mr. Captor?"

I swallowed hard, but continued none the less. "My roommate is very sick, I need to get home and help him."

His arms rose to cross in front of his chest, resting on his gut. "Fine. Leave." I stayed silent and raised a brow. I knew there was more, I just couldn't tell what. "But don't come back."

I blinked a little before responding. "Sir?"

"If you want so much to leave in the middle of your shift to go running home at the first sign of a little illness, be my guest, but Mr. Captor if you do, your ass is as good as fired." At first, I thought he was bluffing, but the deathly stare in his beady, shriveled eyes told me he wasn't.

Reaching up, I untied the knot around my neck. The apron fell against my arm, but I let it slide to the ground. Without another word, I turned and left his office without bothering to shut the door. Heading straight for the entrance, I didn't offer a goodbye or 'thank you' to the guy who was now working my position. Instead, I walked directly into the cold air, making a beeline for my truck. Once in the seat I flicked my phone open, typing quickly.

_on my way._

I didn't wait for a reply before tossing my phone into the cup holder and starting the engine. It required a few revs before it finally started up, chugging and heaving with the frozen air and chilled liquid. I tried not to speed home as my mind switched back and forth between anger and concern. The battling sides of my boss being a huge dick and Karkat pleading for me to come home made a headache creep into my forehead. I shook it away as my grip on the steering wheel tightened. Soon enough, I was stopped in my parking spot. I didn't remember quite how I made it home so absent mindedly, but I wasted no time grabbing my phone and hopping out of the truck. I hurried up the stairs, skipping every other one. It had become a habit, and now I prayed I didn't trip and fall on my face. I made it up without slip, and I followed down the hall.

I opened the door, tossed my keys on the counter, and tore my jacket off. Seeing that Karkat wasn't on the couch, I moved through the apartment. I stopped in the doorway of our room, but as I poked my head in, Karkat wasn't in his bed either. The covers were tossed and bunched against the wall, but he wasn't there.

"You here, Karkat?" I called in to the room. A small moan made me turn around, and I faced the bathroom door, wide open.

The light was on and buzzing as my eyes trailed down to the site of the sound. Conformed to the base of the toilet laid Karkat. Arms were clutching his sides, and he was in the same tight ball, but now he was shaking against the floor. Instinct rushed in, and I shuffled quickly into the bathroom. Kneeling down, I brushed his arm which made him tremble more. I bit my lip, but carefully wedged an arm under his side, and another under his legs. Thankfully, he was so small. It made things easier when I scooped him up and stood. He clutched onto my shirt when I turned, walking back into our room.

I let him slide from my arms, back onto his bed. This wasn't without another small groan. Leaning over him, I gingerly brushed the hair away that was sticking to his face with sweat. A pale, blotchy face scrunched. His eyes were barely open, but his brows were twitching furiously. In an instant, his stomach convulsed and he pulled his knees up, growling in pain. I rushed back off to the bathroom, grabbing a cloth and wetting it before coming back. I pulled a chair up to sit down as I dabbed his forehead. This allowed him to relax a little and sink back into the bed. After a moment, I set the cloth down on a nearby night stand and shifted back again. His glance refocused my way, lids fluttering between open and closed.

"Sollux…" He muttered, but it was terribly cracked and rough.

"Shh-" I whispered back then stoked his hair more, offering the comfort.

A clammy hand reached up, wrenching on my shirt lightly. I leaned down but without asking consent, I wrapped my arms around him. Pulling him to a sitting position, I began rubbing small circles on his back. He melted in my arms as his full weight fell against my chest. His breathing soon switched from tired and heavy to slightly calmer. Within a matter of moments, he had fallen asleep against me. I pried his hands from my shirt before slipping him back onto the bed. I pulled the covers over him, and I stood. The chair was returned to its rightful spot before I moved back into the main room. Grabbing a can of soda and falling onto the couch, I picked up the remote. My finger moved to hit the power button, but I stopped, dropping the remote. I heard the smack against my knee. My eyes drilled into the black screen.

What had I done?

All the stress piled on from work just grew a thousand fold. Now, it wasn't even about work. I didn't have a job. Even the little amount of money I was sustaining myself off of was gone. I didn't exactly regret coming home, but now I was unemployed, supporting a lazy, but undoubtedly adorable, roommate, and the costs of classes were about to start again. A deep sigh escaped as a hand ran through my hair, stopping only to rub my temples. The headache was returning, and chugging down the soda didn't help with anything.

Once I had spent a few hours watching t.v. to get my mind off of things, I stood. I threw yet another empty can into the floor that added to the pile. I turned the t.v. off and walked back into the bedroom. Luckily, Karkat was still asleep. It seemed he hadn't had the urge to puke again, and after I soothed his nerves, he drifted off. It was that hard sleep you really only get when you're sick, so he didn't wake when I rummaged through drawers or slipped into bed.

My bed being across the room, I had a clear line of sight to his own. I spent many moments, as creepy as some may find it, watching him sleep. The pains had left his features completely and were now replaced with the subtle twitches of sleep in his eyes and mouth. He looked peaceful now, and I couldn't help but smile.

Something had definitely happened. And yes, the few kisses had made that quite obvious, but something more came about. It was different than most; this is what I thought of as I tried to sleep. The beginning fling I had started with Dave was full of short, snarky conversations and brief battles of locked lips. This, however, took me by surprise. The resistance of speed and the precautious manner in which Karkat did everything was almost endearing to me. He was this ball of innocence that I had never come to realize until now. I soon found relief when thinking about him, something I had never really imagined. Before these past few weeks, Karkat and relief, or adorable, for that matter would have been impossible to think. But now, he was practically all I could, and wanted, to think about. I made me truly happy to let my thoughts stray back to him. And they weren't thoughts of lust or yearning, but of simple care and affection. It was a pleasant break that I cherished now. I wanted to spend every moment, hugging him close and nuzzling my face into his tousled hair.

I closed my eyes with those final thoughts. An idyllic smile rest on my lips as I drifted into sleep. The feeling of warmth surged through me as I remembered the embraces and my face relaxed with the hushed whispers of kisses. The world went black, and all I could hear was Karkat's soft and faint breathing flickering through the night.


	11. Chapter 11

**Oh my, thank you all for so many comments! They make me so happy :) I love reading them and knowing so many people like this. Anyway, just wanted to say a little thanks. Well, here's the next chapter. Intensity!**

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><p>And so two weeks passed. Classes began, adding new stress and new distractions. After going back to the coffee shop and basically pleading for my job, I was utterly rejected. Being yelled at only caused my patience to be cut off and that anger to rise quicker than it should. It's always my blaring temper that puts me into an even worse position. Words flew between my boss and me. I had gotten quite creative with my cursing, of course with Karkat's help. And thus, the insults were thrown both ways, and inevitably bestowed a beautiful place on the road for me. The door slammed behind me with the mocking ring of a bell.<p>

I had told Karkat the nature of losing my job once I returned home. And so, he proceeded to yell at me with furious shouts. He blamed me, but his passive aggressive nature already instilled the fact that he thought it was his fault. I tried to reassure him it wasn't, he wouldn't have it. After yelling for minutes on end, he got sick of watching me just stand there and take it. Seeing I wasn't going to even try and fight back, he fled into our room. Locking the door in my face, he spent hours on end watching shitty movies. I didn't try to bother him, so there he sat until finally coming back out. I was washing dishes until I felt his small arms clasp around me from behind. He pressed his face in my back muttering an apology, muffled by my shirt. Drying my hands off, I turned in his arms and returned the hug with a light smile. I forgave him so easily I almost thought he was going to get angry again, but he stood there for some time; content with being in my arms and I in his.

Even with these passing moments of subtle affection, the stress returned. We began school again, a brand new semester with full classes and loads of work. I soon found, and managed to hold down, a job at the university book store. It paid about the same, maybe even a little less, but it was a job. I couldn't complain. Karkat had taken on more classes than he could handle, so I didn't burden him with searching for a job of his own. I let him live off the money his parents sent him, adding in a little of my paycheck to his half of the rent. Normally, I wouldn't have busted my ass for a roommate, but Karkat was different. Not only had he been my best friend since middle school, but now we had this… this, thing going on.

Yes, I still had no idea what to call it.

Anyway, we had taken the liberties of weekends to supply ourselves with much needed relaxation. When school work wasn't being done, we took any chance to get out of our apartment. That Sunday just happened to be one of those days. Neither of us had work to do, and thankfully my job only occupied my times on a few weekdays. I hadn't had a weekend off in months; it was nice.

We sat eating a small breakfast when Karkat was staring me down. As always, he wasn't much of the conversation starter, and I had to drag whatever he wanted to say out of him. I sighed lightly, setting my fork down before looking back up.

"Yes Karkat?"

"Do you have any plans today?" He asked with an almost determined tone.

I shrugged and continued eating. "Nothing I can think of."

"Would you like to possibly…" He paused which made me glance at him, catching his gaze falling to the table. "Go do something?"

"Like what?" I couldn't really understand why he was getting so uncomfortable about something like this, but when _could_ I understand him?

"I don't know. Maybe a movie or something?"

"You asking me on a date Vantas?" I grinned obviously joking, but I looked back up and- shit. His face was brilliantly red. Clearly at a loss of words he just sat there flustered and speechless. Whenever I least expected it, he somehow managed to become even more adorable.

"I, uh, sure. A movie sounds great." With a forced chuckle on my part, he seemed to lighten up a little; his face certainly did. It slowly regained its normal pink color and his muscles weren't as tense.

"Alright," He began as he stood, but he still didn't look at me. "Let's go in about an hour." I nodded, though he was already gone.

And so we met back in an hour. He had completely calmed down from the earlier incident, and now he stood at the door, pulling his jacket on. I hopped up to him in an attempt to get my shoe on. He held my elbow for balance as I managed to pull it on, and once that was done, he tossed me my jacket. I shrugged it on and opened the door.

"Ladies first." I chimed, gaining myself an elbow to the rib. I merely chuckled and shoved him out the door. "Come on Kar, don't be such a girl."

He turned around with a sharp glare. "I'm not a girl, so stop making feminine references."

I held up my hands signifying surrender. "Whatever you say, princess."

His glare intensified before he turned with a loud huff. My hands found their way to my pockets as we walked down to my truck. We made our way to a nearby strip mall housing a few shops, restaurants, and the city's only theatre. Luckily, it being a Sunday, not many people were out and about this early. Most would either still be sleeping, or they would be in church. We, however, spent these well-deserved hours wandering around a bit before finally making it over to the theatre. Much to my disappointment, Karkat eventually persuaded me into buying to tickets for another one of his hideously ridiculous movie. A little reluctantly, I paid for the ticket while I completely ignored Karkat's protesting. Constantly shoving his money in my face telling he'd buy his own, but I paid no heed. I pushed the ticket right back at him, and he took it with a few grumbles.

After paying for an overly large bucket of popcorn and drinks for us both, we strolled back into the building finding the right theatre and making our way in. Even this couldn't be done without bickering. Karkat wanted to sit in the front because it made the screen look bigger, but frankly, the craning of my neck began to hurt after about ten minutes. I couldn't help it I was tall. When many people passed our contentious speech with a few wavering glances, we quieted down and settled for two seats smack dab in the middle.

Nevertheless, once the movie began, we both shut up completely. Though these movies were awful, I still found them a little entertaining; at least they were funny. The main problem I had with them was the fact that they always had some big dramatic scene. It always involved a girl crying and a guy going out of his way to comfort her. Truly pathetic. Girls were so soft like that. I scoffed to myself when the waterworks began. I hadn't been paying attention for half the movie, so I justly had no idea why this woman was bawling her eyes out.

Though my indifferent thoughts were quickly stopped. A small sniffle caught my attention. This one wasn't coming from the speakers hidden within the walls, but instead much quieter beside me. I glanced down, hearing the spluttering of whimpers continuing. Karkat tried so desperately not to cry, but it was inevitable, and even the hand furiously wiping at his eyes couldn't stop it. I let out a pity filled exhale that faded into a small smile. As he kept trying to hold himself back, it became harder for me not to act. It wasn't until the first tear streamed down his cheek for me to realize that I was now that guy. I felt the need to comfort him which made me scoff slightly at the overbearingly cliché situation we were in. Yet, I simply wrapped my arm around his side, pulling him close. His head fell against my shoulder, but for once he didn't tug away. Now, he just sat there rubbing his face against my shirt. I didn't really mind the fact that tears were staining my shoulder. I was actually a little happy to know he was comfortable enough to have this happen.

The scene passed after a few moments, and once again the movie was as happy as before. Though to my surprise, after Karkat had stopped crying, he still didn't try to pull away.

"This is _so_ a date." I whispered, snickering lightly. His head shifted up, again holding that bright blush; even in the dark of the theatre I could see it all over his face.

"Shut up." He muttered back before staring straight at the screen.

I chuckled, watching the rest of the movie happily. Karkat remained until the credits began to roll, and he shifted under my arm. He stood, stretching. I followed and we soon exited the row and the theatre. With my hand in my pockets again, Karkat walked closer to me than usual. Every once and while, he would brush my side. I could tell he was trying to push things along, but it was quite an awkward way of doing so. Though rather abruptly, he took a step away. I looked down to him at the sudden movement, but then back up to the sidewalk. Walking towards us were, of course, John and Dave.

I hadn't talked to John since the day at the park; my communication had been cut short with Dave ever since that night a few weeks ago. We would text every once and awhile, but it hadn't been the same since I started feeling these things towards Karkat. Something about it hadn't felt right anymore even though we only had few nights of relations in the past.

As they made their way towards us, Karkat tensed and stopped walking. I stopped beside him, my hands fiddling with my pockets. The two finally made it over, and stopped in front of us. A slightly awkward moment passed before John spoke up.

"Hi Karkat, Sollux."

I nodded a hello, but Karkat just stared off to the side. I bumped him with my elbow.

"Hey." He sputtered, sending me an unhappy look.

I then turned my eyes to Dave and gave him a nod as well. He returned it, extending a hand. I met him half way, but he pulled into a quick bro-hug including a customary pat on the back. Stepping away, I knew Karkat was staring me down. His glare soon turned to Dave though, and it triggered a smirk.

"Got your panties in a knot Vantas? Or has your face just become permanently stained that way?"

"Da-ave!" John piped, giving him a pat on the chest. "That's not nice."

He simply shrugged in response. "It's not my fault he's got that repulsive expression smeared across his face at all hours of the day and night."

"Maybe I have a reason." Karkat growled back, and I fidgeted a little. He wouldn't dare say anything. I knew it initiated something in Dave as well, but he was much better at hiding it.

"And what would that be?" He asked with a harsher tone. Why would he egg him on like this? It wasn't going to go anywhere but down.

"I think you know why, Strider." John looked curiously between the three of us. With a brow raised, he searched each face for an explanation.

"Maybe it's because you can't get over being angry for one second. Like it's some deep complex you have in which it's your goal in life to piss everyone off."

"Well _maybe_ I wouldn't have the urge to piss _you _off if you weren't such a dick about everything." Karkat snapped, fists already curling at his sides.

"Just why am I the dick here? I haven't done anything to you." The replies were flying from their mouths, John and I powerless bystanders. That was up to the point where Karkat stopped it all.

"Not to me, but at least I didn't fucking cheat on my boyfriend with some skinny ass, lisping stranger I'd just met." As soon as the words escaped, silence hit all of us. The words soaked in, bringing a deep set frown to Karkat's face and a mix of shock and fear from my own. I couldn't decide whether my anger was coming from the direct insult from Karkat that he meant completely, or the fact that he had just exposed the secret we had managed to keep for weeks. I was half expecting Dave to flip out, but instead he just stood with that normal façade. John however, was looking more frantically between us. Then it clicked.

His eyes widened a little, and he stepped back. "Dave…" he whispered. "It's not true. Is it?"

Dave was silent. Another one of those silences checked in my mind. This would be another moment that none of us would ever be able to forget. Those blue eyes then set upon me, making me look away immediately.

"Sollux, did you-"

"John." Dave spoke up, loud and prominent. This silenced him before he looked back. "We're going." He turned grabbing John's shoulder as he went. Even though he wanted to resists, he couldn't. He gave in completely and followed at Dave's side, head hanging. Dave looked over his shoulder before they were out of ear shot. "Fuck you Vantas." He hissed; a strong display of emotion on his part. He had been strongly affected by this, and I'm sure he already knew of the long talks he was going to have with John. I also knew I would probably hear abbot a few of them in the forms of rants from both Dave and Karkat.

A hand brushed my arm, but I shrugged it off.

"Come on." I said bluntly before turning and walking off to my truck. Karkat stood for a second, but soon enough, I heard his small footsteps behind me.

When we entered our apartment, I waited until he was inside before slamming the door shut. He winced at the sound. Apparently it bothered him if he wasn't the one doing it.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I started, anger making my muscles twitch. I didn't want to be so angry, but it had been building up the entire way home.

"I don't know…" He whispered back. "He just kept pushing me and-"

"It doesn't matter Karkat. Do you realize what you've done? This is something that can be fixed easily."

His voice rose as he gained a light form of his normal glare. "Don't pin this all on me. None of this would have ever happened if you could just keep your tongue in your own god damn mouth for once."

I sighed, running a hand all over my face and through my hair. "God, you couldn't have just kept your mouth shut."

"It was going to come out sometime."

"Still!" I was shouting now. Dammit. I was shouting. "I asked you to never talk about it and you agreed! Did that mean nothing? Was it just a hollow promise? Just like you to half-ass it."

"Me, half-ass it? Oh come on Sollux. All you do is half-ass things. Everything. Your job. Your school work. Everything is half-assed."

"What about this?" I asked in all seriousness now.

"What do you mean?"

"This. Whatever this is. Between us. Am I half-assing it? Do you not think I'm trying my best not to screw things up like I do everything else?"

"You need more practice if that's what you're trying to do."

I threw my arms up in anger with a full out yell. "God fucking dammit Karkat. Listen to me! I am trying! You couldn't believe how hard. But I can't even think about where to go from here. John probably hates me now. Who knows what's going to happen between him and Dave-"

"So you're worried about him." He snapped over me.

Incoherent sounds fumbled from my mouth in anger. "I can't do this. Not tonight." I said firmly. "This is something we'll talk about when we're both not so pissed off. Alright?"

Karkat nodded reluctantly before turning around. "Fuckass." He hissed quietly, but I bit my tongue before I spat anything back at him.

And so, not another word was spoken all night. We both went our separate ways, only sending small glances each other's way every once and while. Night drifted to morning slowly, and upon waking the quiet nature of our apartment still wasn't broken. We ate, got ready, and left without speaking. Classes drug the day by at an enormously groggy rate. I barely paid attention in them, tuning out the teachers almost completely. I felt utterly regretful for yelling at Karkat last night, but still I couldn't help the anger still lying in the pit of my stomach. I gripped my pencil harder as my stare tried to break through the glass of the window.

"Mr. Captor."

The call vaguely broke my train of thought, but it was repeated.

"Mr. Captor!" The shrill voice called again.

"What?" I snapped back harshly, but I soon stared down at my desk realizing what I had just done.

The professor smacked her hand against her desk before calling back up to me. "If you are just going to sit there and daydream or shout at me, please just leave now. Otherwise, pay attention and show some respect."

I gave small nod, but she continued to lecture. The glances drilling into me made my back sink into the chair, and I nervously brushed my hair down enough to cover my eyes. Class quickly ended, and I made my way out without stopping to talk with anyone. Afterwards, I immediately returned to my apartment, throwing my bags down with a huff. I flopped myself onto the couch exasperated and utterly annoyed with everything. I was a little glad that Karkat had a late class. It would spare me the torment of the tension and anger still underlying. I could simply relax here for a few hours.

Or so I thought.

A knock to the door pulled me from my spot. I drug my feet along the carpet, then the tile, and to the door. Opening it and rubbing my forehead I glanced down. That's when my eyes widened and my breath stopped there. Flowing locks of brown fell around the soft face and bright eyed gaze.

"Hi Sollux." The voice called as soft as I remembered. "I've missed you."

I stood, speechless for a moment. Staring down at her, my lips twitched before I could finally form a sound. Though, it still only came out in a whisper of disbelief.

"Aradia..."


	12. Chapter 12

**Man sorry guys. Yeah, I thought I messed something up while uploading this chapter, and apparently I did. So yeah, sorry about you guys not being able to see it, but here it is now!**

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><p>Aradia smiled up at me with those full cheeks and round eyes. "Can I come in?" She didn't wait for an answer before stepping past me, into my apartment.<p>

I turned around, still not able to believe she was actually. Why was she visiting me? She caught my puzzled expression, but just continued to smile.

"How have you been?" She asked, though I had no interest in idle conversation.

"Why are you here?" I asked as she was taken slightly aback by my bluntness.

"I wanted to see you." She replied happily. "Is that so wrong?"

"Yes," My blunt tone continued. "You fucking cheated on me, practically yelled at me for no reason, and then never talked to me again."

"I'm talking now aren't I?"

"Aradia, please."

She sighed, turning back around to face me. "I'm sorry I did all those things. I shouldn't have even thought to leave you. I know you were just stressed and busy. I should have never pinned all that stuff on you."

Damn straight she shouldn't have. I thought this, but still I was uneasy with her being here.

"So the second you feel lonely, you come running to me hoping I'll take you back without a second thought?"

She glanced away, but only for a moment. "You don't have to be so cold Sollux."

I frowned, folding my arms. "Hell yes I do. After what you did, what you said, I have all the right in the world to be pissed at you."

"I'm sorry I ever left you. I realized now that I haven't seen you in so long-"

"It's only been a month Aradia." I butted in with a grumble.

"I know Sollux! I'm sorry I made you go so long. I know I hurt you. I can't forgive myself. I made a huge mistake." She stepped forward, her hand brushing my arm. "Sollux, I've missed you so much."

I moved my arm away, though she only moved it right back. "Aradia,"

"Don't say anything Sollux, I know we can work this out."

"What about your little friend… what was his name? Equius?"

She groaned. "That was childish. It didn't mean anything."

"Oh, but I thought he _loved _you, and you _loved _him." I drawled out my words, mocking her with every inflection.

She sighed leaning closer, but I moved away. "No, you're wrong. I didn't love him because…" She paused, fidgeting slightly. "I still love you, Sollux." There it was. Those words she had said to me so many times. She used them like it was just a passing phrase. What she hadn't realized is I never once returned them. Those words never passed my lips, but then, she leaned again.

Time slowed as everything moved. Her arms rose, holding my back, and she continued to lean. Her movements were fluid, mine were rigid. Her lips parted, mine closed. Her eyes softly shut, mine wide open. Nothing about this felt right. She was too tall, her height reaching my neck and chin, not able to nuzzle my chest. Her hold was too light and indifferent, not tight or almost desperate. Her hands, leisurely brushing my back, weren't clenching and grabbing on my shirt. Nothing was right, and even when her brown eyes opened a little, they weren't the same. I missed the hint of anger only intensified by burning extremity. They were too soft, and her lips; oh god, why were they touching mine? Too soft. Why couldn't I move? This was wrong. Why was she here? I couldn't take it. Everything she was doing was replacing what I had come to love. Everything I wanted and yearned to see, and touch, and hold, was lost. I still couldn't move. Dammit why couldn't I push her away? My lips didn't move in reaction to hers, but kisses were fevered across them. With every one, my muscles tensed more. Every time, I became more uncomfortable, but she didn't stop. No matter the fact I wasn't returning any sort of affection, even my arms had dropped by now, she continued.

The worst possible scenario played through my head. The door would open. For some unexplainable reason, Karkat would be home early. Standing in the door way, he would see Aradia kissing me wildly. He would either break down into crying or yelling. I couldn't decide which would be worse.

But then, it wasn't in my mind anymore. The reality hit me harder than I could have thought possible. The door tapped the wall lightly, but silence was coating the air with an insoluble layer of torment. Neither crying nor yelling came from Karkat's mouth. I decided that was even worse. My arms rose, shoving Aradia away furiously. She stumbled back, obviously not understanding why.

"Karkat," She began as she turned around, spotting him. Although, Karkat's voice was stronger and seething with uncensored anger and frustration.

"Don't talk." He spat over her, and then his gaze rose to meet mine. That glare deepening instantly. I had never seen such burning fury. It was stabbing my chest harder than ever. I was prepared for the yelling, but it didn't come. He let out a breath that shook with crippling pain. "Fuck you." He hissed in almost a whisper. It sounded so hurt; so vulnerable.

Stepping forward, I pushed past Aradia's hold on my arm.

"Please Karkat-" He turned, shoulders already shaking.

"Don't talk to me, asshole. I don't want to hear your lies."

Without giving me a chance to explain, he walked hastily away. He left me standing there, utterly defeated.

"Sollux?" The voice beckoned softly from inside. I turned, walking back in, but I didn't look her in the eyes or respond. "What's going on? I know it's Karkat, but why did he look so angry? I mean, come one, he's so dramatic sometimes."

"Stop talking Aradia." I said, maybe a little too harshly as I sat back on the couch.

"Sollux, what's wrong?"

I didn't answer at first, but then I sighed. "You need to leave."

She stepped closer, but I held out a hand.

"No, leave." It wasn't a suggestion this time. She could hear the irritation trickling in my voice. She knew where this would go if she continued to push me.

"I'll call you." She said as she moved towards the door.

"Don't." I replied shortly.

"What?" She asked, glancing over her shoulder.

I still didn't look up. "Don't call me. Leave, and never come back."

I knew it would hurt her, but I couldn't handle having her in my life anymore. She had single handedly hurt me and the one person I cared about more than myself right now. Who knows where he was now. I was just glad she left. I couldn't keep myself together much longer. And by that, I meant I couldn't hold myself together at all.

My head buried itself deep in my palms. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, but my throat was tight and burning. My hands felt wet, so I pulled back only to find the tears staining my cheeks. I couldn't figure out why this was affecting me so much. Karkat and I had fought before, but something about his look and tone were so different. The expression of hurt and almost, dare I say, betrayal struck me in a way never before experienced. I had never felt so low. I had time to push her away, stop her from acting in the first place, but I hadn't. And now, I had hurt him. With every thought of his sadness and most likely the tears shared between us, the knot in my chest grew tighter. Breaths shortened again, and I continued to work myself up. Hands gripped my hair as my glasses slid from my face. They fell onto the floor, but I didn't care enough to pick them back up.

Through the blur that was my vision. I fumbled with my phone, typing in a familiar number. I held it to my ear letting the quiet ringing drown out all other sounds than that of my heartbeat. I had hope when the ringing stopped, but it was only replaced by the dial tone. Without thinking, I pressed the button again, redialing. This time, it only ran twice before the ringing ceased. I sighed, expecting another dial one, but instead it choke into silence. I held my breath waiting for any sound. I opened my mouth to speak. Then a voice cut me off.

"Sollux, Stop. I can't handle this right now. I don't want to talk; I don't want to think about you. It hurts too much. Just leave me alone." He rushed through he words, fighting to get them out without out breaking off.

Before I responded, the phone clicked off. A long beep filled my ears. I slid the phone from my face, clasping it shut. The emotions ran back though, racking me with pain and loathing of myself. My hands found their way back to my face, burying my head in shame. His words burned my ears and left nothing but the want to curl up and stay shut away from everything. No matter what, I managed to screw up everything good in my life. This was no exception. I wanted to remember the feeling of his warmth in my arms, but all that was there was Aradia's hold and her kisses on my lips. I hadn't realized until then the tasted of copper filled my mouth. I had been biting my lip till the point of bleeding. Then another fact. Aradia's kiss was my last, and it left me with a feeling of slight disgust. Up until then, I cherished the fact that the warmth on my cheeks was left by Karkat's tentative lips. I wanted it to be that way again. I wanted to know he would confide in me all his emotions. I wanted to have his arms around me again, holding him close, and letting him cry into my chest. But I couldn't. I had screwed this up just like anything else. And it tore me up. Every time I began to collect myself, a thought would hit me, and I would break right back down.

I didn't pull myself from the couch for the rest of the night. I waited for a return I knew he wouldn't make. Once night fell, I curled up into the cushion. I didn't eat or watch t.v., I merely laid there. Closing my eyes, I forced the tears to stop.

What had I done?

He was the only thing I looked forward to; the only one I cared to see.

My face contorted more as I grasped the blanket tightly in my fists. The pain wouldn't subside, but eventually I let the soft whimpers of my pathetic voice carry me into sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

It was daylight before my eyes opened back. Slowly parting, sun streamed in making me squint. I held a hand over my face, allowing some shade, and I propped myself up on my elbows. It was already 10:30, and so I sat up all the way. I raised a hand, pinching the bridge of my nose. I then realized my glasses were still on the ground where they had fallen. I picked them up, and after sliding them back on my face, I stood. My legs were a little shaky at first, but I soon steadied myself. I filed into the kitchen mindlessly pouring myself a bowl of cereal. As I sat down to eat it, before the spoon even reached my mouth, my phone buzzed back on the couch. I glanced at the flashing light but ignored it in the end. I decided to finish my breakfast even though it buzzed again a few minutes later. Once I was done, I pulled myself from the chair. Walking back over to the couch, I picked up my phone flicking it open.

_hey sollux_

_jesus sollux i have something to tell you_

_God 2triider what ii2 iit? iim not iin the mood for any of your iironiic bull2hiit_

_thats not what this is about_

_i went to johns earlier but he wouldnt let me in_

_probably cau2e he2 tiicked you cheated on hiim_

_nah i worked things out with him_

_it doesnt take much to calm egbert down_

_but anyway he mentioned something about karkat staying with him_

_whatd you fuck up_

_Never cea2e to be liight wiith emotiion are you 2triider?_

_what can i say_

_waiit- karkat2 at john2?_

_yeah you piss him off or something_

_look, ii cant talk riight now dave. ii need to go. thank2 for letting me know._

I clicked my closed before waiting for a reply. Not even changing clothes, I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on. I needed to go find him. I had to fix this. Just had to.

Upon reaching the sidewalk, I turned to go my truck, but then I stopped. What was I going to say? I needed time, so I turned the opposite direction and started to walk. It would take a bit by foot, but I had to work this out before I got there.

What could I tell him? He was so angry and utterly sad. I couldn't think of anything that would fix this. Everything I said was just masking underlying hollowness. I wanted to sound sincere, but it only came out as thick words that sounded like lies. Nothing inside my head made since. Thus, I couldn't put my thought into words. They were all so incoherent. Fuck, why couldn't I form a simple apology? No, it couldn't be simple. That wouldn't cut it. He needed more; he deserved more.

The walk wasn't nearly long enough. I reached John's house with little more than I started. I still had no apology ready to recite. I doubted pulling words out of my ass would work very well; especially when Karkat could call my bluff in a matter of seconds. With conflicting… everything, I stood and stared at the house. My feet wouldn't move for a long time. They kept me cemented to the sidewalk. Legs tugged to move forward, but my brain held them back. I was almost fearful of what would happen. Finally, actions broke from reason. Slowly, my feet trudged forward. Jacket being pulled tight by the hands shoved in its pockets. Up the steps and against the door, I exhaled a shaky breath. My hand left my pocket, curled into a fist so tight it made the blood leave my knuckle. Shuddering, my arm extended. I knocked on the door, awaiting a reply. After a moment, the knob slowly turned, the door peaking open. Blue eyes met my own in a scowl. Well, what was supposed to be a scowl. John could never being angry, it came off to me as humorous instead. Though, I couldn't think to laugh, or even chuckle. Matters were too serious, and my head hurt too much. My shoulders had been hunched from the cold, but I moved them down to expose my face a little.

"Sollux," The voice came, a little harsh. "You shouldn't be here."

My eyes then looked at the ground, not being able to hold his gaze. "John please, I just need to talk to him."

"Well he doesn't. He's really fucking hurt. God, you and Dave are just a couple of idiots."

I stayed silent, not being able to think of anything to say. The door closed, but my hand shot up catching it and holding it open.

"John-" My eyes were now staring into his. I didn't want him to see the uncovered emotion I was holding in them, but I didn't know what to do.

His features softened a little as he sighed. "Stay here." He then turned, shutting the door.

Minutes ticked by, and so I moved to sit on the porch. Chin in hand, I shut my eyes tightly. With every second my confidence dwindled away. I only dared to move when I heard the door click again. I bolted up to a standing position, and I turned around. His gaze wouldn't settle on my face. It stayed cast astray, and I knew he was fighting every urge to flee.

"Karkat," I began, but the wince at his name being spoken made my throat close. I wanted to speak, but nothing came out so my mouth shut.

"Why?" He whispered not even looking at me.

I was silent until; finally, I could speak again; forcing the words out. "I don't know." I replied quietly. "She just showed up, and I knew it wasn't right. Nothing about it felt right. I didn't try to keep it going. I gave nothing in return. Trust me, I wanted it to stop."

"But you didn't." He replied shortly, his eyes narrowing. "You just let it happen; like you do everything else. Even if you don't like something, you never care enough to actually fucking stop it."

He made my mouth shut again. He was right. I never did give my own opinion. No matter what, everything moved around me, and I let it happen regardless of what I felt.

"God Sollux," He turned back around. "Just leave." When he took a step, reaching for the door, my nerves shot. I pulled myself back up the step and grabbed his wrist. I was able to clasp my entire hand around it; felling the familiar thinness. He tugged, trying to pull himself away, but my grip was too tight. I could feel him shaking. It only made me hold on tighter.

"You don't know how sorry I am-" My head fell forward, hanging with the harsh whispers. "I know you have to be angry. You have the right to be; I mess everything up. Everything good in my life… I just fuck it all up."

I could no longer differentiate between his shakes and my own. He gave me a little slack as the tugging stopped. It seemed he wanted to listen but at the same time run away. The conflicting emotions kept him in the same place, turned away from me. I straightened myself before trying to steady my breath. Who was I kidding? I was breathing heavily just trying to form words for him to hear. I was awful at this. I figured I'd be a genius at it given how many things I had screwed up. And back to the point that this was so different. Everything else I could have pushed to the side with a nonchalant shrug, or I could pull off an apology with a joke and a jab to the shoulder. That was impossible. He needed sincerity; something I found so hard to give. Emotions were something I cursed at having. I didn't know how he could be so exposed about everything. Every feeling he had was wiped across his face, flashing deep within those eyes. I cherished it and loathed it all the same. He built me up and tore me down. A simple look could give me confidence, but with another, I could feel an eternal hurt. And then he looked over his shoulder, glistening tears building in the corners of his eyes. God damn those eyes. Jaw clenched, muscles tensed, I released his wrist. His arm fell, but he didn't move.

"I've spent every moment since you left building an apology worth hearing. I tried my hardest to put all the sincerity of my mind and heart in it, but I can't. I can't put my begging for forgiveness in words. They wouldn't be enough. Everything I thought of fell so short of what I really meant to say. I couldn't put together the idiotic feelings knotting in my chest and twisting in my stomach. They make me want to rip myself apart just to feel something other than the pain. God Karkat. You have to understand…"

"But I don't." He said, turning around now. His expression was even worse than before. I could barely handle it without breaking down again. Lips curved into a saddened frown. Eye brows dipped low with eyes wide but soft with a tender misery. Tears breaking their ducts but not pushing the walls enough to run down, instead they stayed pooling in the corners waiting for the signal to leap.

"Fuck Karkat, it's agonizing to see that look on your face. You don't know how much it makes me hurt."

"Then you shouldn't have fucking caused it." He hissed back at me, crossing his arms.

"I know. But that's why I'm here. If I didn't want to fix this, would I have come all this way? I walked here, trying to think of what I could possibly say so that you would forgive me." I sighed and rubbed my Hand against my forehead. "Out of all the things I've fucked up, this is the only thing that has made me feel so bad. Anything that has to do with you makes my heart want to pull in two directions. I don't even know what this thing is between us, but I for sure as hell don't want it to stop."

The god damn expression still didn't seem convinced. He could be so stubborn, but at the same time break in an instant. His emotions were so fragile I felt like if I said one wrong thing they would shatter and never be fixed.

"I don't understand why you do these things." He murmured never breaking eye contact.

"I don't know why either." I replied honestly. "But you have to believe me; I can't describe how sorry I am right now."

I climbed the other step, moving from eye level to towering over his short stature. This almost frustrated him, but he didn't move from our close position. He simply averted his eyes a little.

"I don't know what to believe." He whispered, twitching with anxiety.

I had no other words to say. Anything that came out now would be redundant apologies that he would have no reason to accept. Instead, my actions took control. A hand rose, palm against his cheek, thumb gently brushing away an escaped tear. He grimaced slightly, but still didn't move. He stayed put, arms shuddering. I knew they want to grab on to me, but his mind was telling them otherwise. Thus, they were left moving back and forth in confusion.

"Please believe me." I whispered. Now leaning down, I wasn't even caught up by his eyes flicking back to mine. I locked a gaze with them in turn, pausing just in front of his face.

His breaths hitched, small exhales catching my face as vapor from the cold wisped around.

"Sollux," His voice stopped me in my tracks. It caught me as I stared into brown, glistening eyes. "It's unbearable how much it hurts."

"I know." My thumb stroked his cheek again, but his muscle only tensed more.

"No you don't!" He said in more of a shout but still holding back. "Because," His eyes fell to the side. He brought them back, but with one completely stare, they shot away again. "Sollux, you were my first kiss…" And they struck me. Those words, those eyes, those emotions. All at once I was hit head on. It rendered me speechless. He seemed relieved, and it allowed him to continue. "I- I need to know that I'll be your last."

"Karkat-"

He stared me down with such inetnsity. "Just do it." He choked with trembling lips.

Though I was still a little hesitant, I closed the gap completely. Pressing my lips gently against his, his arms finally broke from his thoughts. They lifted up, hands clutching my shoulders. He pulled himself onto his toes, only shoving his lips deeper into mine. I didn't mind though. Slowly but surely his kisses replaced those stained on my skin by Aradia. Effortlessly, my other hand held his face with the drawn out kiss. Words couldn't have worked the same. No matter the poeticism of it, they would have had no comparison to the amount of emotions flashing between us.

After a moment, he pulled away as his eyes peaked open. They searched mine, skimming back and forth quickly. I couldn't look at them anymore, so I slid my hands to the back of his head and pulled him tight against my chest. His arms found their way comfortably around me. And the glorious feeling of having my jacket bunched up in those pitiful fists, I couldn't say how much I had longed for that. The feeling of his desperate hold ridded my mind of any thought other than this moment.

"You asshole," I hissed with a half true, half pain filled chuckle. "I've never fucking cried about someone before. You've turned me into some sort of sap."

I expected a punch, or glare, or anything, but nothing came; nothing but a tighter grip and a voice vibrating against my chest. It muttered something inaudible, but I didn't really need to hear it. I then stepped back. Arms reluctantly allowed me to leave. His fists were moved to vigorously rub his eyes. It made them red, but he'd rather have that than the evidence of tears.

Once he glanced back up, I couldn't help the smile flash of a smile at the sight of a painless face.

"Can we go home now?" He asked as he began to fidget a little.

My smile only widened with a nod. "Of course."

He allowed the corners of his mouth to curve up a little. Pulling out his phone, he typed a quick message; most likely to John. He then put it back in his pocket. I turned and began walking down the side walk. As I turned to walk back to the apartment, he hurried to my side. Glancing down to an idle hand, I couldn't resist. My hand moved to grab his, and intense relief washed over me as he squeezed my hand tightly. My eyes rose to his face. The light blush even shone through the red from the cold. He huddled up next to me as we walked, and I looked forward again. I was sure I had the goofiest smile wiped all across my face, but I couldn't help it. The ecstatic feeling I had wouldn't go away. With every squeeze of my hand or quick glance up, I felt a new wave of bliss. I laced my fingers in his without a care in the world at how cliché this must be. I was just happy to have Karkat by my side, clinging to me like always.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry this chapter's so short! I'm pretty busy right now… Oh well. :)**

* * *

><p>Days passed as they would. The fighting subsided into our normal bickering, and our affection only grew after that day. Kisses became less timid. Embraces lasted longer and were tighter. School days passed, and I worked my best to keep our apartment down. I barely heard from Dave anymore other than the occasional round of texting, but it didn't bother me most of the time. Even though I missed his sarcastic and individual humor, I didn't want to risk upsetting Karkat. He, on the other hand, kept his normal relationship with John. They stayed friends, but he always seemed to become a little uncomfortable around me. I barely noticed it, but I caught him staring at me with those wide, blue eyes every now and then. It made me feel quite uncomfortable, but I could only imagine how he felt. He knew Dave had practically cheated on him with me, and we still hung out every now and then. Almost every time, John would call him in the middle of our time together just to check up on him. Couldn't blame him though. I would trust someone if I knew they made someone I was dating cheat.<p>

Besides that, life was seemingly normal and all together pleasant. It was nice having someone I could rely on, and though I was slightly ashamed to admit to it, cuddle with every now and then. God Karkat was a cuddler. He'd probably spend all day in my lap if I let him. This night was no exception.

The t.v. flicked in front of us as Karkat's head was nuzzled against my chest. My arm had found its way leisurely around and over his shoulder. For once, my attention was actually on the movie. I barely even realized that he was staring me down. Head tilted up, the light flicked across his face as the rest of the room was dark.

I glanced down after a moment, raising a brow at him. His stare stayed the same as his arms found their way around me. With a small shift, I gave him a light kiss. What I intended to be an innocent brush of lips soon turned into something more when he grabbed my shirt. I had begun to pull away already, but he tugged me back down. I couldn't object though. Usually Karkat was so hesitant. It's not that I got tired of the slow pace between us, but I couldn't say the eagerness he was expressing wasn't pleasing.

He rolled, moving onto his knees in order to gain a better position. I simply stayed seated where I was, bringing up my leg to turn easily. Hands lost their way in my hair, gripping and tugging without ever giving me a sense of pain. My tongue touched at his lips, but he kept them tightly together. He was still so reluctant about everything. Instead of trying to force him into anything, I pulled away. There was a gap between us only for a second. As soon as I broke away, I trailed kisses down his jaw, ending with my lips on his neck. After the smallest nibble he would stifle a moan but ultimately fail in the end as it escaped quietly. It drove me crazy and when he pulled my head down harder trying to grip onto anything, my skin grew hot. I pulled away again to breathe, but he promptly guided my mouth back to his. Somehow in the midst of everything, my hands managed to snake around and slide up under his thin shirt; fingertips brushing warm skin. The contact of fingers to his sides immediately made him shudder and push me back. My hand stayed, lightly wrapped around his waist. His hands slid from my hair gently brushing away my grip.

"Sollux…" His voice was weak and broken by heavy breaths as he tried to catch them. He coughed a little, covering his mouth quickly. I didn't expect him to be so breathless after such a short time. "I- we- we can't. Not that far."

I held a slightly puzzled look as breaths heaved in my chest. He had rendered me truly winded. Still, I just slumped back into the couch. He gained a very light frown seeming to regret his decision.

"Sorry." He whispered.

My hand rose, ruffling his thick, almost black hair. "Don't worry. I'm not here to pressure you."

He curled his knees around, sinking back down against my chest with a final, softer catch in his breath. Wrapping an arm around me, he snuggled back in, which extracted a smile to set of my face. I continued to stroke my fingers lightly through his hair as our eyes fell back on the screen. However, now, I was preoccupied with the simplicity of bliss. My mind played these moments over and over again.

After the movie ended, he slid out from under my arm. A hand extended out, and he beckoned me with a small smile. I took it happily, pulling myself up. With intertwined fingers, he led me off to our room. After changing quickly, we both slipped into bed, but not without an innocent to his forehead.

When I woke the next morning, the bed across from me was empty. I rolled on my side, glancing about the brightly lit room. My eyes wandered until I heard the door click. I shut them, leaving only a small gap between my lids. In crept Karkat, walking on his toes. He was being as quiet as he could, but little did he know, I was already awake. I withheld a small laugh as I watched him. He was gripping a small towel around his waist as the stem from the bathroom began to drift in. Suddenly, I found myself down right gawking at his sleek figure. Lean, but slightly chubby muscles quivered in the cold air. He turned, picking clothes out of his dresser. Silently, I slid out from the warmth of my covers. Sneaking from behind, my arms snaked around his warm body as steam pricked at his skin; now at mine as well. He jumped with my touch, his feet practically coming off the floor. He turned quickly in my arms, and upon seeing my face, a wild blush set on his cheeks. He squirmed, trying to break from my grasp, but still keeping a tight hold on the towel.

"S- Sollux." He stuttered, but inevitably stopped squirming when my arms wound more taught. I held a grin that was so wide it might have just fallen off my face.

"Mornin' Kar." I mumbled with the sleep dripping in my voice.

Droplets of water transferred from him and began to run down my arms.

"M- Morning…" He whispered back, muscles going completely lax against me.

His mouth opened to speak again, but I quickly shut him up with a rough kiss. An unoccupied hand rose to rest against my chest and occasionally twitch with anxious energy. My mouth dawdled down to his neck after a moment. Again, re-attaching to the same spot as last night. With the small trail of my tongue, and the knick of my teeth, his hand grabbed my shirt. Every movement drew out a muffled whimpering sound that was all too endearing.

"Sollux, ah-!" A cough broke in between gasps. "Stop…"

The words barely breached my ears. Contact broke only for my neck to crane and lips to trace down to a wonderfully defined collarbone. Pooling water on his skin did nothing but add to the allurement. Despite his own short gasps and delighted expressions, he gave a light push to my shoulders. Not wanting to force anything, I detached myself, breathing slowly in and out of my mouth.

"I told you…" He muttered breathlessly. "Not that far."

I grumbled something inaudible before pulling away and sliding my arms from their tightly wrapped position around his waist. His blush hadn't faded at all, and now was seemingly brighter than ever. Attempting to recover, and catch his breath, he bundled his clothes up before staring at me. I returned the stare blankly until it was almost irritating to him.

"I need to get dressed." He spoke, forming an almost glare.

I raised my hands up, relieving the annoyance in his tone. I then turned on my heels, strolling casually out of the room. He shut the door behind me. I scratched the back of my head, and I moved into the kitchen. I fried up and egg for myself and one for Karkat. Flipping them both on plates, I sat at the table. The other plate sat across the table from me, places next to a cold glass of orange juice. After a few moments of nibbling at my egg, Karkat re-emerged from our room. He sat down across the table from me, and I glanced up. His face was still tinged with red as he pulled at the high turtle-neck collar.

"What's with the sweater. It's not cold in here."

His eyes shot up to me with that burning fury. "It's the only thing I have that can cover the fucking red marks all down my neck."

I acquired my own light shade of pink, but still a grin returned nicely.

"Is that so…" I mused, continuing to eat my egg.

"Cut that smug expression Captor." He hissed.

Usually, when Karkat wasn't in one of his emotional lapses or completely pissed at me, he returned to his normal amount of combativeness. I snickered to myself while finishing my breakfast. He began to munch at his in a slow pace. Standing and placing my plate in the sink, I sauntered back over. Once began him, I swiftly tugged down his collar, examining my handy work.

"I think they're quite nice."

"You would, asshat."

I leaned down, kissing each spot softly before standing back up and receiving an elbow to my gut; though it was softer than usual.

"Fuck off." He grumbled, pulling the collar back up. Turning promptly, I walked back into our room to get dressed.

Once dressed in a long sleeved, striped shirt and jeans, I walked back into the kitchen. I stretched, but when I blinked a yawn away, I found Karkat. He was standing, but slightly hunched over the sink; hands clenching against the lip of the metal. I walked forward a little cautious, but still concerned.

"Karkat." I started, making my way all the way over and placing a hand on his back.

He immediately shuddered away with this gurgling sound.

"K-" A hand began to wave in my face, but I could see his eyes scrunched in pain. "Come on Karkat, let's go lay down."

He shook his head, but as a gave a small tug to his shoulder, I realized how weak his legs had become. He slumped back into my arm. Thankfully, I caught him and managed to hold his weight. He let out an incoherent grumble as I tried to help him away from the sink. It would have seemed it was the only thing holding up his weight, for he went completely limp in my arms. I was able to hook an arm under his legs and lift him up without letting him slip to the floor. He looked up at me, but his eyes were glossed over and I could tell they were losing the will to focus. Though panic was quaking through my body, I held a clear mind. Thinking through everything, I returned to our room. I laid him on his beg gently, and pulled his blankets back up around him. He had begun shuddering, but upon feeling his forehead, I realized he was clearly running a fever. I removed my hand, moving it to pinch the corners of my eyes. A massive migraine had started to build. They always seemed to find the worst possible times to affect me. I sat by him on his bed, head in hand. Trying to sooth the pulsing of my head, I could feel Karkat shaking beside me. This only made it worse. With every grunt of pain and convulse, my migraine would crash against my skull almost to the point of nausea. I closed my eyes tightly, gripping my head out of sheer confusion, pain, and utter lack of clarity.

_What the hell was happening?_


	15. Chapter 15

I stayed by him all day. The t.v. stayed, on but he slept. Eventually, I turned it off, but that night, no sleep graced my mind. Every time I began to finally drift off, Karkat would shift or moan enough to snap me right back. Thankfully he hadn't thrown up this time. Now, it was only violent coughing fits and writhing pain; not much better. At one point, I had slid from his bed to where I was now resting my back against it. In one of the spasms, his hand came from the covers, grabbing at the air. Even with tired vision, I took hold of his small, clammy hand. It squeezed mine and transferred some of the pain. I cursed the sunlight that soon came peeking through the window. Day break came too quickly, burning my eyes. I closed them for a shield, but that didn't stop the sun from pouring in.

Monday Morning.

With a glance over my shoulder, my tired eyes fell on Karkat's face. It was more relaxed now, sleep finally coming peacefully. I uttered a small sigh as I pulled myself from the floor. A growl from my stomach drug my feet to the kitchen. Toasting a piece of bread, I poured a cup of coffee. It was the only thing I could rely on now that I hadn't obtained even one minute of sleep. Toast and coffee. Yeah, that would suffice for breakfast. The sound of my chews was the only thing breaking the silence. That was up until I heard the light shuffle of feet. I pushed from the counter, meeting a stumbling Karkat in the hall. With a hand against the wall and a step forward, he tripped on weak legs. His face smacked against my chest. My arms rose to catch him, but he still tried to steady himself. He looked up with fluttering, bloodshot eyes. Shaking fingers brushed my cheek and under my eye.

"You haven't slept." He croaked in a desperately weak voice. This sparked a congested cough.

"And you need more." I replied and brushed still sweat filled bags from his face. He shook his head very tightly and tried to push off me more.

"We have school."

"You're sick."

"I have to go to my classes."

I had been holding his arms, but now I moved them away. When I stepped back, his legs wobbled before giving way. He melted to the floor, but before he fell completely, I pulled him back up.

"Walk more than five feet without falling and I'll let you go."

"Ass." He grumbled, but held on tightly to my arms.

I helped him back to his bed. He fell under the covers, sinking into the mattress. I began tucking him in nicely like a child.

"Are you going?" He asked almost whispering.

"I have to. Professor will have my head if I don't."

"Maybe if you didn't skip so much she wouldn't on your ass all the time."

"Not my fault I could teach better than her. I already know more than she does anyway."

"You're arrogant."

"You're stubborn."

This struck a small chuckle that made me smile, but it soon fell into another round of coughing. I winced at the sound. Seeing my expression, he waved a hand.

"I'm fine." He said after clearing his throat.

"You're not." I replied shortly.

His hand fell back as his eyes averted from my frown.

"Go to class Sollux."

I leaned down, placing a soft kiss on his cheek before turning and giving a small wave. It almost pained me to leave him like this again, but I really did need to go. And so, I pulled my jacket on and left our small apartment. The light broke through the door, but I shut it out when I locked the door behind me. I then turned and made my way to school.

The clock ticked slowly. As I sat up in one of the rows in the small class, chin in hand, I gazed out the window. My thoughts were focused solely on Karkat's confusing condition. He had so sporadically fallen ill. Something had to be wrong. With every thought back, I remembered vague occasions of frantic coughing out of nowhere. My hand clenched around my pencil. I knew I could have caught this earlier.

Suddenly, a hand smacked my arm. My head turned quickly to find the girl who sat beside me staring me down. Her head flicked back to my wondrous professor, who was also giving me one of her intense glares. I liked that look much more on Karkat. At least he pulled it off without seeming like a complete bitch. Well, most of the time

I raised a brow as my hand fell to the table.

"Ye-es?" I drawled out, obviously mocking.

Her scowl only grew tighter as her fists clenched. Definitely not a good look on her.

"Mr. Captor. How many times must I draw your attention back?"

"As many times as it pleases you."

This brought about a few hidden chuckles from the others; I hadn't really meant it to be funny but oh well. No harm.

"Fine. If you think you can just sit there and stare out the window, I would love it if you would please tell me which code on the board would work better with the viruses we are covering.

I glanced at the board behind her, answering within a matter of seconds.

"The first one."

She seemed amused by my answer.

"Actually-"

"If you're going to say it's the second, you're mistaken." I stated immediately. "Yes, the second would work better if it was correct, but it's not. You wrote it down wrong making it completely erroneous even in method. And so, the first one will work better."

She turned around, staring at the board for a moment. After turning back, her expression had completely changed now to one of slight embarrassment.

"Oh, yes. Good job Mr. Captor."

I nodded with my usual blank expression, turning back to the window. And with that, not other comment was sent my way. Whether it was from the fact that I showed her up in front of her students, or that she could sense my shorter temper that usual, I was just glad she left me the fuck alone.

Eyebrows knitted and wiggled with my ever present headache as I wondered how exactly Karkat was doing. It bothered me I couldn't be home to help him, but even after class I still had work. I sighed, not being able to focus at the letters and numbers strategically written across the board. When the bell rang, I stood. I began making a straight line to the door, but I was called back.

"Sollux. If I may have a moment."

My jaw clenched with a hissing breath as I turned around. I tried my best to mask the visual hatred on my face when I walked up to her.

"Yes ma'am?" I asked with my best attempt at being at least vaguely pleasant.

"Is everything alright?"

So she wanted to be sympathetic and buddy-buddy now? Oh please.

"Peachy." I replied maybe a little too quickly.

She raised her skeptical brow and gave that stare. "You look tired."

I sighed, not wanting to talk to her especially about my personal life. "I'm fine, but I need to get to work."

I turned; ready to leave again, but her hand caught my shoulder. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm always here."

I gave her a short nod. "Understood. Now if you would excuse me." I managed a small smile as I pulled from her touch. Walking away, I attempted to blink the bags under my eyes away. Running off caffeine was leaving my nerves shot and vision a little blurry; definitely not helping my headache.

I finished my shift at the bookstore, even getting off a little early. Taking my truck was smart, that is if I hadn't had the extreme bad luck of a shit engine and a mediocre mechanic. On the middle of a road, I had to pull over as the steam rose from my hood. My forehead hit the steering wheel; bad idea. I immediately shot back up, rubbing the pain away. Getting out into the dark, my lights were on so I could see enough to go around and open the hood. Steam and hissing sound emanated from it. Being the nerd I was, cars were not my foreground. I leaned up against the frame. There was one person I knew who had a better chance at figuring things than I did. So, I whipped out my phone dialing quickly. In a few short moments, I opened up a message.

_car broke down_

_iill be home a2 2oon a2 ii can_

Receiving no reply, I figured Karkat was asleep, so I slid the phone back in my pocket. After another few minutes, two headlights peaked over the hill. Out of the car slid a familiar figure. Sauntering over and sending once glance to my truck, he had an almost complacent expression.

"Nice piece of shit Captor."

"My god Strider, you're hilarious." I remarked but I was met with yet another fist bump followed by a short bro-hug.

He peered over my shoulder into the car. "Why'd you call me? I barely know scratch about cars."

I shrugged. "You know more than I do."

He snorted lightly as he snaked around me to get a better look. "You got some tools?"

"Oh- yeah." I moved back into the bed, pulling out a small box. Returning, I handed it to him.

He grabbed the box and sat it on the ground. Pushing up his sleeves to his shoulders, her kicked it open and pulled out a screw driver.

Damn his muscles were toned. And the way they pulsed with every turn of the tool- shit, no.

I turned hastily, disappearing to the back of my truck. Those thoughts couldn't come back. It didn't have any feelings left for Dave, but I couldn't help it he was so god damn attractive. A hand brushed through my hair furiously before he called me back.

"Hey Sollux, start it up."

I followed his command, climbing in the front seat and turning the key. It took a moment, but sure enough the engine revved without any further issues. I smiled to myself, and I swear I saw a small on his face as well. I turned it back off, the engine rumbling to a stop. Shutting the door, I glanced back to Dave who was now wiping his hands on a rag I kept in the box. I leaned up against the door beside him. Silence quickly fell as we stood. It wasn't exactly an awkward silence, but it was too far from comfort.

"So I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks. How're things?"

He gazed at me for a moment, but just looked back to the box, closing it up. "Good I suppose. Egbert's still a little skeptical sometimes. Got me on quite a tight leash after, well, you know."

I nodded. "Yeah. I understand."

"Karkles givin' you a hard time about it too?"

"Eh, I wouldn't say that." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. "He's mostly gotten over that incident. Did I not tell you what happened the other day? Why he was at John's."

"Nah." He moved the box into the truck bed before returning and tilting beside me again. "John wouldn't say anythin' about it either."

"I, uh- my ex paid me a little visit." I muttered a little quieter.

"That's never any fun."

"It gets worse." My head raised to stare at the sky, but ultimately fell back down to his face. "She wanted to get back together. All this bull about how she missed me and shit. Bitch is crazy."

With a small titter, he nodded. "Aren't they all?"

I chuckled slightly. "Yeah, but worst of all, she kind of forced herself on me. For some shitty reason, probably my extreme lack of not being a useless douche, I couldn't push her away when she fucking kissed me. Kar walked in, and cue hissy fit."

"Damn." He stated flatly. "How'd you escape that minefield?"

I fell silent, scratching at my face. His brow raised over those shades. How did he even see at night?

"It's fucking stupid." I mumbled, never making eye contact now. Still, I could feel his stare burrowing into the side of my head.

"Spit it out Captor."

"Fuck Dave, it doesn't matter." I said a little louder now, as the slightest hint of an embarrassed blush crept on my cheeks.

Suddenly, and almost grin struck him. It was more of a sneer, but I knew it was there. "My my, looks like you've been crushin' on our pissy little friend."

"I highly doubt he considers you a friend."

"That's not a denial. So, I will take that as a yes. What'd you do? Express you're true feelin's for him like one of his shitty movies?" He mused. He was having way too much fun with this.

My and only ran through my hair more. "Shut up."

He snorted, giving me a light punch on the shoulder. "Ah, it's so true. Isn't that damn right adorable?"

"Shut the fuck up Strider." I hissed louder this time.

He opened his mouth with an already prepared retort, but a buzzing cut him off. He answered the call, holding up a finger to my face.

"Yeah?" He began before pausing. "I'm with Sollux, I'll be there soon. No too far away." He then sighed, rubbing his face. "Fuck, John calm down. His car broke down. I was just helping him."

My face twitched a little. He had to explain himself even after this many weeks. We really had made an idiotic mistake.

After ending the call, he looked back to me.

"Sorry about that, but I got to go. Ms. calls." I waved, and he turned walking back to his car. He stopped hallway there, turning around with a short wave. "This was pretty chill. Let's do it again sometime. Just call me up whenever." With that, he slid back into his car and drove off.

I left the road with a small smile and a once again working truck. The smile faded however when I remembered Karkat. I was slightly ashamed that I had spent time lounging around with Dave when Karkat was home felling god knows how badly. By the time I made it up to the apartment, I was practically fumbling to get my keys in the door. Opening the door, I tossed the keys on the counter along with my jacket. The apartment was just as I left, save the larger amount of darkness now that the sun had set. I stepped into the bedroom, discovering Karkat in a new position. He was now sitting up against the wall, knees curled tightly to his chest. A glass of water sat on the bed-side table with a few nibbled crackers. At least he was trying to eat and drink. He didn't even seem to notice me until I was sitting down on his bed. Only then did he raise his head from the wall and slide half lidded eyes over to me. They were even darker than usual, and the grey rings underneath left him totally deprived of sleep.

"Karkat…" I whispered, but he just scooted closer. Collapsing into my lap, his hands clung to any clothing they could find.

He was so pathetic looking as he heaved deep, painful breaths. I stroked his hair trying to soothe him as much as possible. Every now and then he would get a quaking shiver and would groan, pulling tighter. It truly wounded me to see him like this and know I could do nothing.

"Fuck school, I'm taking you to the doctor tomorrow."

I felt a small nod against my leg, but in his abject state, that was all he could manage besides the shaking.

With quivering brows and delicate, careful touches I whispered, "Just hang in there…"


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank** **god I can finally post this! I have been trying ever since last night. Stupid document uploader...**

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><p>After emailing my professor about my current situation, he allowed me a day off. Thankfully, it was a small class, so he knew I wouldn't do this unless I had to. A small breakfast and a shower awaited me when I woke. Tugging a shirt over my damp head, in walked back into the bedroom. Karkat lay, curling in and around a large clump of blankets. Bare feet and hands poked out, but his head was buried deep writhing. I walked over and began to pull the blankets back. A muffled moan came from the billow, but I kept pulling despite it. Finally, I had completely unraveled him. He shivered in the air as I propped him up against the wall. Holding his face in my hands, I made him look at me.<p>

"I made an appointment in thirty minutes. Alright?"

He nodded groggily.

"Come on and get dressed."

My hands left his face, but he caught one by the wrist. His hold was so weak and limp. With a small cough, he just stared up at me. I sighed, moving over to gather up his clothing. Grabbing a pair of his jeans, I walked back. He had almost begun to fall asleep again as I straightened his legs with the attempt to pull the heavy sweats off. With a little levered and different pulling, they slid off, and I started to try and pull on his jeans. Picking him up under his arms, I used my other arm to try and tug them all the way up.

"You owe me for this." I muttered, trying my best not to sound bitter.

He managed to stand shakily while holding onto my arm. With one swift motion, his shirt came up and over his head. I had been practically undressing him, but something that I would have, in any other situation, found entirely tempting and tantalizing now was leaving me with this pity for his state,. One hand holding him, my other searched for the shirt I had put on his bed. Upon finding it, I got him to raise his arms enough to where I could get it on. With that done, he slumped into my chest.

"Karkat…" I grumbled, pushing him back to his feet. "You have to stand."

Reluctantly, he steadied himself as much as he could/ Shallow breaths left him exhausted and yearning for support. Slowly, I led him to the bathroom where I brushed his hair out and washed off his face. He kept uttering disgruntled sounds, but never tried to escape; or he simply couldn't stand on his own. Once that was done, we made our way down to my truck. Coughs and clogged sniffles escaped, but he trudged under the support of my arm. Buckling him in, I climbed into my seat. With a short glance over to him, I started the engine. His stare faded between watching forward and fighting to keep his eyes open. He had been breathing out of his mouth for days now and his lips were terribly chapped. Pale face and dim eyes struggled to stay awake only helped by short, sporadic coughs. A small frown settled deep on my lips as I drove forward. Even though I continually sent short looks to him, his appearance never changed. However, it contorted lightly when we finally reached the hospital about ten minutes later. What I imagined would normally be a scowl was now just a light discomfort heavily covered by the pain still evident in his features.

I helped him out, and led him into the huge, white building. Everything inside was as white and crisp as the walls they sat in. It was slightly sickly. Black tiles darted along the halls as we walked up to a small desk. I spoke with the woman behind it, trying to keep a hold around Karkat who was continually drifting in and out of stable feet and consciousness.

"I have an appointment for eleven."

"Name?" She replied immediately, obviously bored with her job already. Her blank stare met my own, sparking irritation in my voice.

"Captor." I spit back. Little sleep, thin patience, and worried thoughts were not putting me in the position to put up with anyone right now.

She smacked at the keys on her computer with overly long nails. After a moment, she looked back up at me. With a falling glance to Karkat, she sighed. "I'm guessing he's the one you're here for. Sit over there; we don't need extra people in the back."

"I'm sorry but-"

A hand lightly tapped my chest. "I'm fine by myself Sollux. Go sit down, rest."

I stayed where I stood, but he pulled from my hold. Hobbling off with the help of the wall, I moved over to one of the soft chairs. Its worn armrests had seen many people come and go. My gaze the lifted to a man and woman clutching each other's hands. A nurse stood in front of them, but I only heard the beginning of her speech. _We did all we could-_ That was all it took to send the woman into a desperate state of crying and wailing. She continually muttered something about a Timothy, and how it just wasn't fair.

I would hate to be these people. Receiving the words that no good could come after. It was never 'We did all we could and here's your new car.' or 'We did all we could and now you've won the lottery.' Not here. In this building, that phrase could only be followed by the worst. I drowned out the crying with hands over my ears. I couldn't handle any one else crying right now. My mind was already teetering on sanity as it was. Soon, a voice called me back. I raised my head to find a new, much more polite, nurse standing in front of me.

"Are you Mr. Captor?"

I nodded.

"Can you please come with me? We are having some, well, difficulties getting some answers out of Mr. Vantas."

I sighed and stood, not without the hint of a smile. "As always." I muttered.

She led me back through the hall, passing many rooms. Each held a person, some young some old. And each was going through some sort of test. My eyes searched everyone until I almost ran into the nurse's back. I offered an apology, but she just smiled and stepped aside.

"He's right inside with the doctor."

I gave her a nod in return, stepping into the room. The doctor grinned at me, extending a hand.

"Ah, Mr. Captor I presume?"

I nodded, straightening my glasses a bit and reaching to shake his hand firmly.

"Nice grip." He replied with a small wink. Adults that attempted to be friendly always made me feel uncomfortable. Adults- was I one of those yet? Impossible.

I feigned a smile, sitting on a chair against the wall. My glance then rose to Karkat who was staring right back at me. The war between our eyes was broken by the doctor tapping his pen against a clip board.

"So tell me Mr. Captor, before we begin with the pertinent questions, we'll start simple. How long have you two known each other?"

After a moment of thought I replied. "Seven years, ever since sixth grade."

He nodded, continuing to tap his pen. "And you've been friends for that long?"

I sighed again, my impatience growing with the nervous tapping of my foot. "Yes, but pardon me. I'd rather focus on what's wrong with Karkat instead of the intermingling of our personal history."

I knew he sensed the impatience in my voice, because his eyes shot up over his glasses, and the pen stopped moving.

"I apologize Mr. Captor. I was simply just getting to know a little more about the two of you."

I remained silent as my head drooped a little.

"When did this start?" He asked, getting right back down to it.

"A few days ago." I replied quietly.

"And what did it start with?"

"Occasional coughing at first, but it soon got worse and that's when the fever started."

He nodded along with my words as he scribbled. I looked back at Karkat again who was now staring at the ceiling. He obviously couldn't focus right now, so I continued.

"He's been in a lot of pain recently. Whether it was his stomach or his head, I usually find him curled up in a ball on his bed."

"Well from this information, and the fact that his fever isn't too severe, I'd say it's just a small case of the flu. Easily fixable with a prescription."

I'll call ahead, so you can just go pick it up on your way home."

He continued to scribble, now on a small piece of paper, before ripping it from the pad. He handed it to me with a corny smile when I stood. I turned, giving thanks and offering my hand to Karkat. He took it and pulled himself from the high bench. Stumbling a little, he latched himself onto me. Arms winding around mine tightly, he didn't seem like he would be letting go any time soon.

We quickly made our way from the building, happy to get out of there. Upon climbing back up in the truck, he immediately fell asleep. Head resting against the seat belt, he looked utterly exhausted. I made a short stop at the pharmacy. I filled the prescription before tucking the bottle into my pocket. He never woke the entire way home. I opened his door once I was out, but even with a nudge he didn't stir. With a light sigh, I pulled him from the seat and into my arms. He cradled against me with shallow breaths. I made sure my hold was tight as I made my way up stairs. It was a little difficult getting up the stairs with the limp body, but I managed. Pushing the door open with my back, I kicked it shut. He was soon transferred into his bed with the covers pulled up to his neck. He shifts lightly, tugging himself deeper. My fingers brushed lightly through his hair, lingering on the subtle peace that was drifting through the air. It was a little relaxing, and maybe- just maybe I'd get some sleep tonight.

That hope was short lived. I had just allowed myself to drift off when a moan pulled me back. My eyes opened, finding a shaking form across the room from me. My feet fell to the ground. A sigh escaped my throat, and I drug myself over to his bed. I wouldn't take another night sitting on the ground, and so I scooted him over. Lightly wedging beside him, his eyes opened, confused.

"Sollux?" He whispered scratchily.

"Sh." I silenced him. "Go back to sleep."

"But Sol-"

My arms wrapped around him, tugging him into my chest. Soon enough, his breathing steadied into a slow rhythm, and all his muscles relaxed. After that, I allowed myself to get as much sleep as I could before morning came.

Too quickly, the sun rose, calling my name. I pried myself from his grasp. Before leaving I placed two of the pills of a small note telling him exactly what to take and when. With that done, I left him there to go to school. When my classes were over, the bookstore waited for me to take up my shift. Regrettably, work had made me return home at dark. Hopefully the medicine would have set in by now. I couldn't wait to have Karkat back to his old self. Even if that meant yelling and insults, the affection made it worthwhile. It had only been a few days, but already I missed his soft lips and tight embraces that weren't filled with pain. I arrived at my door with a small sigh. I turned the key bracing myself for another night of sleeplessness while comforting his weak state. I was met with something worse.

I opened the door, shoving my keys in my pocket.

"Karkat, I'm h-" My voice stopped and eyes fell to the bundle on the floor. Sprawled, but still somewhat in a ball, Karkat laid against the carpet. Out of instinct, I rushed over. I crouched on my knees, leaning over him. My head lowered until I couldn't focus on his features anymore. My eyes widened. I didn't notice the tears welling in them as I strayed a few inches; his placidly pale face fallen limply to the side. I stared down, before a few drops fell onto his cheeks. Muscles shook with fear and breaths stayed caught in the wire of my throat. The world stopped. Nothing was moving, nothing was making noise. Not even the gasps whisking through my chest were audible. I stared down at him with the utmost terror in everything I had. No exhale wisped around my face. No movement made his chest lift or fall. Throat dry and lips parted, his closed eyes rested effortlessly.

He wasn't breathing.


	17. Chapter 17

**Bluh another short chapter… sorry. c:**

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><p>My mind was racing and panic took over. Everything moved with blurry images. My hands were shaking. It was pathetic how little I knew.<p>

What could save him now?

Was it too late?

Was he dead?

No.

I couldn't overwhelm myself with the thought of him dying. I tried desperately to focus back as my hands curled on his chest. One grabbing the other, I put my vague, and mandatorily learned, CPR to use. It was ironic how I had never felt I would need this. But still, my dad had forced me to learn it. _You never know Sollux._ He would tell me every time I would gripe about wasting my valuable time at the hospital going through every class.

You really do never know.

Slowly, I counted with ever push. _One, two, three, four, five._

Still nothing came, but I tilted his head back. After a deep breath, I leaned down, carefully blowing air down his throat. When I still didn't get a response, I repeated it over again ignoring the pitiful tears streaming down my cheeks. This was no time for me to be emotional. The time I needed to be level headed, I couldn't even think straight. Terror stuck me blind and senseless. I mindlessly tried to do anything to get him back.

To all avail, I finally felt breath shoot back into my mouth. I pulled away, staring down at him when another cough stuck him. Color flowed back, growing hot in his cheeks, as violent coughing made him wince in pain. He was gasping to get air back in his lungs, but the coughing brutally pushed it right back out. His eyes wavered open. I was stuck staring at him in disbelief. The reprieve that he was breathing again was almost too much. My arms wrapped around his trembling body, and I drew him to a sitting position. I couldn't stop the tears as I pulled him as close as I could against my chest. The only thing that made me retreat was his muscles twitching to move and the broken breaths in my ear. I moved back to look him in the eyes. He was almost completely limp in my arms as his short wheezes were squeaking and squealing in pain.

"I-" He broke off with another rasp. "Cant-"

His chest heaved brutally, dreadfully trying to find air that it couldn't obtain. Something was still extremely wrong. Not being able to think of anything else, I stood. Bringing him up in my arms I made my way hastily back down and outside. The cold air wasn't helping at all, and it mostly made his breathing worse. I pushed him up into the passenger's seat, not wasting time to buckle him in. Dashing around, I climbed in my side, immediately shoving the keys in and practically starting the engine before the door was even closed. We were moving through the streets, probably speeding, but I didn't care. All I could think about was getting him to the hospital as fast as I could. Nothing would stop me either. Thankfully, no red lights dared to obstruct my path. We made it to the building in record time. Pulling into the first spot I could find, I cut the engine. I jumped out, running back around to the other side. Returning him to my arms, I couldn't help but break into a dash. I didn't know how much time he could keep up the painful gasps, and I couldn't lose him after all of this. As I made my way to the emergency desk I explained as best as I could what was happening. Though, I was quite sure the only things that came out were incoherent utters and breathless words. The nurse's eyes scrunched to understand, but eventually she picked up the phone dialing something. Muttering some words, a few moments later a couple of men arrived with a rolling bed. The ordered me to set him down on it and go wait once again in those deathly seats. I complied reluctantly and staggered away as they wheeled him off.

All eyes in the small waiting room were on me as I slumped into one of the chairs, burying my head in my hands. I didn't care if they were staring; gawk at me if they wanted. Who could give a fuck about other people's opinions right now? My best friend, the guy that I- fuck I still had no damn clue what to call it. I really needed to figure that out; it sure would make a lot of things easier. Still, I couldn't stand sitting here when god knows what was happening back down that hallway. I knew the tears had started again, but I also knew they wouldn't stop. I hated crying, but it was the only thing I could think to do right now. Nothing else seemed fit for this situation. Yelling would only anger the people around me. They'd understand if I cried, right? That's something you do at a hospital; cry, weep, and mourn. You rarely came here unless you had someone one to see or say goodbye to. It was ironic to me; I'd been spending too much time with Dave. But still, hospitals were supposed to help sick people. And yet, so many people met their ends here. So many tears were shed.

The heels of my hands dug deep into my eyes. It was to the point of hurting, but I wouldn't dare bring them away. However, suddenly a hand brushed my arm. I looked up to find a young girl with elegantly long blonde hair smiling kindly at me. Her small hand was lying comfortably on my forearm. That smile was so pure, and her blue eyes seemed like they could tell no lie. I stared at her with total confusion, but she just tilted her head and kept that beam.

"They'll be alright." She spoke quietly in a sweet tone, only further pushing her innocence.

"What?" That was the only thing I could form.

"Whoever you're waiting for. They'll be fine."

"How do you-"

"I just do." She answered before I could even finish. "I saw you come in here, carrying your friend. He means a lot to you, doesn't he?"

I nodded slowly. "More than you know, more than anyone knows."

She simply smiled wider. "Then he'll definitely be just fine. Anyone who has a friend as good as you can't be bad. And bad things just don't happen to good people."

I'd like to wish that. If only the whole world could go off that philosophy. Things would be so much better. I merely feigned a smile. Oh how I wish it could have been sincere. She at least deserved my difference.

"Thanks." I replied half-heartedly.

She gave me a small nod and patted my arm. Then, she moved forward with the push of her arms. I looked down to find two wheels rolling. There she sat, in a wheel chair. Two nubs barely reached the seat of the chair. This girl, so pleasant and unmistakably kind wheeled herself away without even the help of legs. And to think she said that bad things don't happen good people. She had such sheer optimism, and yet it would seem the world cursed her. It only put more shame on me. I had two legs of my own. I could walk. And so I would. No matter the outcome, I could walk forward. If he wasn't by my side, I could still walk. I felt so confident that I could pull myself forward. I could trudge on until-

"Mr. Captor?"

I looked up again to find a solemn expression wiped across the nurse's face.

"Yes?" I asked my voice sickeningly weak.

She fidgeted in her place, fingers twiddling nervously against her shirt. "We did all we all we could, but-"

And the world fell silent. Her lips continued to move, but I heard nothing. Those words. Those damn words scratched my ears, scarring my brain. I knew my eyes had grown wide and my muscled began to shake as her face only saddened. She kept speaking. My ears picked up none of it. And then the tears broke my ears; rolling down fluently. It seemed to break her too. Once she was done speaking she couldn't bare looking at me. Her eyes averted, but I sat, staring her down.

How had I let this happen? Even if it wasn't my fault, things couldn't shatter this easily. He was a person, going through everyday fighting though everything. How could a simple cough do this? It was just a little sickness. We got medicine, he took it. That was supposed to fix this. People are stronger than this. They had to be. Something so little and unimportant couldn't possibly take all that away. My heart was sinking lower and lower with ever beat. Everything was shaking under my skin. I could barely handle not screaming out of anger and bitter grief. Though, I couldn't move. I was completely frozen save the trembling. I cursed in my mind, but no words could form. My world was crumbling and-

A shout was heard.

"Jennie!" A man called. He entered the room with his white coat flowing. He moved over to the two of us, panting as he placed a hand on her shoulder. He had been slightly bent over, retrieving his breath, but now his head craned to look at me.

"Are you Mr. Captor?"

I nodded with complete perplexity.

"I apologize greatly if we caused you unnecessary grief."

I stared at him blankly, still not understanding.

"Mr. Vantas is fine. We thought we'd lost him, but suddenly he started breathing again. We managed to get all the mucus out that was drowning his lungs. He still has a pretty nasty cough, but he's completely stable."

My face froze with disbelief. Shaky legs pulled me to stand.

"C- Can I?" I stuttered out and he nodded.

"Follow me." He turned after catching his breath, leading me back down the hallway.

Upon entering the small room, I immediately brushed past him and over to the bed. There laid Karkat, breathing softly with an IV in his arm and a tube up his nose.

"They're just there to help him breathe easier until his lungs regain strength again."

I nodded, sitting in a chair by the bed. Without word, the doctor left and shut the door behind him. I glanced at it as it clicked shut, but my gaze was soon turned back to his face. He at least had a solid color now. Light pink skin was shrouded by his dark hair. I carefully brushed his bangs away as a small smile crept on my lips. With a small kiss to his forehead I realized even his fever had gone down some. I took hold of his hand and sat by him. I don't even remember when I fell asleep, but apparently I did. The last thing I remember was simply clutching his hand and watching him sleep peacefully with a few subtle coughs here and there.

I awoke with the feeling of delicate fingers running through my hair. I opened my eyes slowly to find my grasp was now empty. The hand it had been holding was now stroking my hazel locks softly. I raised my head that was soon met with a light smile. Tired, brown eyes gazed back at mine as his head rested back against the pillow. I quickly felt this sudden calmness was over me. I couldn't stop myself from standing and leaning over him. Wrenching him close, I wouldn't let go. A soft chuckle moved past my ear before he whispered.

"Fuck Sollux, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly, still hugging him tighter.

He pushed me back enough to place the softest kiss on my cheek.

"I'm alive, and you're here. That's all that matters."

My smile returned, and I rested my forehead against his. We allowed a comfortable silence to sweep over us as I sat beside him on the bed and held on to him for as long as I could.


	18. Chapter 18

Karkat had to stay the night, but the next day he was allowed to be discharged. I was thankful I didn't have school the next few days, and so I spent most of it going through paper work, taking visits to the pharmacy, and getting him settled at home. He still felt as weak as before, so he spent the rest of the day lying in bed. I spent my time in front of the t.v. mindlessly wasting time. It was nice though. I hadn't had much time to myself lately. Between taking care of Karkat, going to school, and constantly working, my life had been completely full. Even though I occasionally had to get up and bring him water or a few crackers, my butt mainly stayed planted into the cushion of the couch. I barely noticed when the sun set and darkness further filled the room. As my eye lids began to shut, they flicked back open with a jolt. I sighed, rubbing my forehead and grabbing for the remote. Upon finding it, I flicked it off. The whole room fell dark, and I felt my way through the hallway, down to the bedroom. I changed quickly, trading my jeans for sweat pants, and my shirt for an old one. I then turned the lamp beside Karkat's bed off before moving over to my own bed. Pulling the covers back, I slipped under and snuggled down into the warmth. My eyes quickly closed, and the long day was brought to an end.

I opened my eyes to find a delightfully sunny day. It wasn't warm though. The cold was almost overbearing, and it overpowered the sudden joy of the sun. I twitched, but was immediately constricted. I glanced down to find my arms and legs bound by the tightness of a black suit. Dark, shiny shoes settled in the blades of grass that glowed with the glimmer of dew. Then, a cry broke my ears. The chirping of birds and murmur of the insects were drowned out by the quiet weeping. My gaze rose to find a woman huddled in the grass with her head in her hands.

I walked closer, uncomfortably fidgeting in the tight clothes. Once I made it over to her, my hand moved to her back. Her head rose in which watery, dark brown eyes that matched the color of her hair stared back at me. She was older, but not at all elderly. Definitely having the motherly appeal, but then it struck me. She was familiar, and that's when I realized why. This woman was Karkat's mother. I hadn't seen her in a few years, but I still remembered her kind face. She had been crouching by a large hole, crying her eyes out. In the confusion, I turned my head to peer into the hole. There, my nerves went cold and I was stricken with horror. Deep in the squarely cut dirt, laid a small body. Short and pale, he was limp in the hole. Brown hair, much like the women's blanketed his face. Still, I knew this face too well to be fooled by that. My own knees fell to the ground beside her as voiceless words trailed along my lips.

"He's gone." She whispered next to me.

I nodded, but her hand clenched my sleeve.

All those emotions rushed back. Everything I had feared for sitting in the hospital returned. There was a thought in the back of my mind telling me it wasn't real. I had brought Karkat home. We had laughed; his kiss still strayed on my cheek. I knew it was true, but a new feeling washed my mind blank. What if it had been a dream? This was reality. It had to be. It felt so real not to be. My hearts wrenching couldn't be fake. I had to actually be feeling this. What if my mind had formed a happy ending to contain my sanity? I had studied that before; manifestation of false realism for your own safety. That could easily be what was going on. The wind blew at my face and I could feel it. The sun shone and its warmth trickled down my skin. The grass tickled my hands as I grabbed at the mouth of the whole. It all felt too real to be false.

That was until the body in the whole began to stir. The hand on my arm had disappeared, and when I turned my head, Karkat's mother was gone. The clouds in the sky swept in, covering the sun. Its light was scattered into a grey overcast. My attention was brought back down into the hole with a hiss. Those eyes had opened, staring straight up. One hand on his throat, and the other reaching up, his eyes were locked on mine. That soft brown surrounding wide pupils that were now beaded in pain flicked with desperation. Rasping breaths drew out from a dry throat. They cried out in agony, searching for words that were unobtainable. Slowly the ground began to change. My feet sank into the earth as he fell. Plummeting deeper, he only screeched more. Raising both hands to reach for me, a quiet yelp came out.

"S-Soll-ux!"

"Karkat!" I howled back, desperately trying to move forward.

I extended my hand, trying to grab his, but my feet kept me planted firmly. Just out of finger length, the ground began engulfing him. Gradually, he was immersed from underneath. He still stretched for me, but I couldn't manage to reach him. My hand clenched in the air as the earth moved to his neck. A final cry broke the prison of his throat shrieking through the air. It was silenced almost instantly by dirt filling his lungs. His arm disappeared with it leaving me yelling into the ground and pulling at the dirt.

Then the clouds were cut through by a piercing light. It was the brightest light my eyes had ever been met with. It was white and blinding. I couldn't take the sheer power of it, and my eyes forced themselves closed.

I was jarred awake with a shot of pain through my head. I sat up with haste as my vision blurred from sudden movement. My chest heaved heavily with uneven, anxious breaths. Still my eyes flicked around as beads of sweat rolled down my face. Confusion ran through my mind. Dreams and reality distorted, sending me into uncertainty. I looked around frantically only to find Karkat's bed empty. This only pushed me further into panic. I was just about to whip myself out of bed when the small thud of feet rushed back into the room.

He was panting from the rush of movement, but with a washcloth in hand he hurried to my bed side. A hand pushed me back into the bed as the cool water dripped down my forehead.

"Kar-"

He shushed me and placed a hand on my cheek. It was soon removed and exchanged its place with that of the other. As he pat the cloth against my forehead, my eyes closed, and rigid muscles went lax. It was extremely comforting and I was instantaneously soothed. He sat beside me on the edge of my bed, gently rubbing my face and neck with the wet cloth. Once I had become completely relaxed, and my breathing had settled, he removed the cloth. My eyes peeked open as he stared back at me.

"You were shouting…" He whispered quietly, and it made me cringe.

"Sorry." I muttered back, but it didn't seem to faze him.

"Why were you yelling my name?"

_Damn it._

I stayed silent, but his face scrunched a little.

"Sollux, what happened?"

I shook my head, lips pulled tightly. He wasn't going to give up. He only inched closer with a seemingly deathly stare.

"What'd you dream about? It couldn't be that bad. You know I have nightmares too. You can tell me."

"I-" My voice cracked under the pressure of him looming over me. "You… you died. But then you were alive again but- You were sinking into the ground, I, I couldn't reach you. Then you were gone. The ground had completely buried you alive and everything was silent… I couldn't help but yell, and I- it all started again. The fear. It all came back-"

My rambling stopped when he leaned over me more. An arm reached under my neck and pulled my head over his shoulder. Holding me up the best he could, a hand brushed the back of my head.

"Stop it." He began to whisper in my ear again. "I'm here. I'm alive."

My hands scrambled to latch onto his back. I felt so pathetic like this; shaking and unstable. Usually I would be the one comforting him. I didn't much care for this position. I shouldn't be the one to breakdown like this in front of him; I didn't want to be this way. And yet, I couldn't stop from clinging onto him and pushing shuttering breaths out.

He sat back, prying himself from my arms.

"Here, move over."

I did as he saud, and I scrunched back up against the wall. He stood, pulling the covers down a little and wiggling his way under them beside me.

"Karkat, what're you-"

"Hush." He snapped. "Just shut up." Shifting a little, he took hold of my arm and drew it over his side. He then scooted against me, snuggling his head down into my chest.

"See? I'm right here. Now go to sleep. I'm fucking exhausted."

I smiled lightly, pulling him close and burying my face into his hair. With a deep breath, my nerves soothed and I soon drifted back into sleep.

The next morning, I woke to find Karkat still caught in his quiet slumber under my arm. Hands curled up between us, fingers twitched lightly and his nose would scrunch every few moments. I felt almost odd just lying here silently and watching him sleep, but at the same time it was so calming. After a little more, his eyes began to flutter open. He blinked them a couple of times before focusing on my face.

"Shit Captor… That's a little fucking creepy. You enjoy watching people sleep?"

I smirked, readying my retort. "Only if they're adorable."

Goal achieved.

His cheeks grew red and his flustered, angry expression was only more frustrated at the fact that he knew that's exactly what I wanted.

"Shut up." He muttered harshly, but obviously embarrassed deeply.

I just chuckled to myself as he wiggled away. Sliding out of the covers, his feet hit the floor a little shakily. The medicine seemed to help his strength, but when he hadn't taken it, his legs and arms were weak. I moved out after him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Try and get dressed, I'll go get your medicine."

He nodded as I left the room. Inside a breadbox sitting on our counter, I pulled out a small orange bottle. After giving a sort skim to the label, I popped the cap and tapped two blue pills into my hand. With a glass of water in my other hand, I returned to a now, fully dressed Karkat. He finished buttoning his jeans before taking the glass and pills from me. Taking them and downing the whole glass, he coughed a little before taking a deep breath. With him moving to sit on the bed and preoccupying himself with his phone, I took the time to change my own clothes. Once finished, I sat beside him. When a moment of silence passed, he tilted his head up.

"Can we go for a walk?" He asked, peering up at me.

I raised an unsure brow. "Are you sure you can? The air might make you cough more."

He nodded. "I really just want to get out of this fucking building."

I let a small chuckle pass as I stood. "Alright, come on."

We moved into the main room as I handed him his jacket. Thankfully, the winters here were short enough to where after a few weeks a jacket was all you needed. We reached front steps of the building as he clung to my arm. He was better, but still a little weak. With the support of my arm he could easily stand and walk. I didn't even care that our arms were blatantly locked. I had stopped noticing people's looks if he ever hugged me tightly or kissed my cheek in public. I was happy and so was he. Even though I had been cautious about it before, now I cherished his affection; at this moment especially. I was more than happy to have him clinging to me. Now that I had lived through the utmost fear of losing him, I didn't want anything but his warmth beside me. The sun was shining brightly, and now the rays brought comfort to my skin. Things had begun to blossom in the new found sun and bees buzzed in the air, singing their delighted tunes from flower to flower. We continued down the sidewalk with smiles plastered on our faces.

"Hey Sollux?"

"Yeah?"

He paused, letting the silence linger too long. "Did I die the other day?"

The question was almost out of the blue, but his voice sounded almost scared like it had been haunting his mind. He kept his gaze glued to the ground. I looked down for a second but then back up.

"I suppose you might have. When I found you, you weren't breathing."

He kept the silence for a moment before shifting his arm out of mine. He tried to walk on his own, but it was still a little too much, and he wobbled uneasily. One totter drifted too much and he almost fell over. Before he did, I caught his elbow and set him straight. He grasped my hand to stand, and we continued our walk slowly.

"Did I scare you?" He asked without looking at me or raising his tone from the low, almost whisper.

"More than you can believe." I replied solemnly. "They almost thought you had died in the hospital too, and I-" My hand clenched, and he looked up at me. I stopped walking feeling the shaking starting again. All the memories and thoughts were rushing back, drawing the emotions to the surface. "Fuck... I was scared. If only I hadn't worked late. You wouldn't have stopped breathing in the first place. Maybe you wouldn't have gone through so much pain-"

He turned quickly and brought a hand to my cheek, stopping my voice instantly.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm alive, aren't I?" I nodded with now closed eyes. "Then everything is fine. No need to be scared. We've been through this."

My arm drew up around his back, and I pulled him close.

"I know... Just- I can't take the thought of that again." hands moved to curl on my chest, his cheek resting gently on it as well. My head lowered. I breathed in his familiar scent as my face set gently in his soft hair. A bee began buzzing around us and I heard it fly past each of my ears. Its fuzzy yellow body flicked past half lidded eyes as I pulled back. Even with a step away, Karkat clung to my arms. He held onto them as his gaze set on mine. With no care at all, he lifted himself onto his toes. In all that he was, he gently stepped forward into me again. Lips met softly and just as innocently as the first time. I savored every second that passed. When I feared for his life, my only thoughts rested on the hope that I could experience this again. With hands on his hips, I kissed him back. I could almost feel him smiling against my own. He broke away only to settle back on his heels and gaze up at me with those lightly reddened cheeks.

"Sollux..." His eyes drew down with the quiet tone. "I've been thinking about it lately and I- think I might..." His fidgeting grew and his entire head looked to the ground. "I might l- love-"

"Karkitty!" A voice shouted from down the road.

Both our heads snapped up to look at short girl waving with all her might. Shortly after she called, she dashed over and practically pounced on Karkat causing him to ram into my chest. The hat that sat on her head tilted slightly. I peered closer observing the face and ears that closely resembled a cat. Looking up at my expression, Karkat sighed.

"Get the fuck off me." He grumbled before pushing her down and standing up straight.

Exchanging quick glances, he turned from me to her, then back.

With another long sigh, he groaned, "Sollux, this is Nepeta."


	19. Chapter 19

**A few quick notes! One, as always I love all your comments guys. :3 like seriously. They make my day. And two, this is regarding a comment by one of my awesome readers, fujikawaii10346 (your reviews make me laugh by the way lol. I love them C: ), that read "[_..Agh, a part of me is dreading the possibility that they're gonna meet up with all the trolls before the end... =_="_**** In regards to that no, I probably will not include all the trolls (at least I don't think I will…) I am simply introducing the ones that will add to my plot. Which, as pathetic as it may be, is extremely underdeveloped. I basically think of a new plot point and go from there. And that brings us to number three! Ok, if you guys want to put in the reviews something you'd like to happen, I might just do it… It would cure my partial shitty writers block… I am having trouble writing right now and goodness I really am just like word vomiting onto word documents to create these chapters so... yeah, there was a comment a couple chapters ago when Karkat first got sick that said "**_**why do i feel like karkat's sickness is going to do something horrid to him" **_**Before that, I hadn't really thought about making Karkat getting sick a big thing, but after this comment I was like…. YES. DRAMA. HIM ALMOST DYING. So, I do take your opinions on happenings in the plot, so don't be shy and tell me if you'd like something to occur. I may just work it in :)**

**Oh wow…. That was a lot more than I expected it to be…. Oh well!**

**And finally, I apologize for my Nepeta… How do I Nepeta? Blurg I don't even know how to write her personality… Fffff apologies. :S**

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><p>Once back on her feet, Nepeta smiled brightly up at me, straightening her hat. I gave her a small nod, moving my hands to reside in my pockets.<p>

"Sollux." I stated flatly.

"I know who you are." She chirped happily. "I've heard quite a bit about you from Karkitty here."

"Stop calling me that." Karkat grumbled between us.

"Nope." She replied without skipping a beat or wasting her breath before continuing. "I'm sure you know nothing about me."

I shook my head. "No, sorry."

She waved a flippant hand. "It's no problem. I'm just another friend of his." A thumb flew Karkat's direction, but he just scowled.

"You're not my friend." He hissed.

"Of course I am."

I could definitely believe she was his friend; two reasons. One, he was seemingly submissive to her requests. And two, she smacked him right back with words in a matter of seconds. Few people realized how soft and weak Karkat is under his harsh insults. I first uncovered his, almost hidden, side one night back in middle school. Before then, we had just been friends because we were the only people who could barely tolerate each other. After being assigned on a project together, we bother discovered how fun it was to annoy the shit out of us, and thus spawned the best friendship of my life. I was never really aware how deathly afraid he got when the storms got worse than usual. Light rain never bothered him, but one night, it was storming terribly. His parents had been off at some party when they called and told us the weather was too bad for them to drive home. Wind crashed against the windows as rain pelted the roof. Its sound was enough to drown out all else. The only light was the occasional flash of lightning. Thunder boomed, shaking the house. It was alright at first, but as it progressively got worse, so did Karkat. Given we were only thirteen, it was a little intimidating for two tiny, skinny assed teens stuck in a pitch black house with nothing but cracking limbs and sirens. I remembered I had made my way to the bathroom, and on returning, Karkat was huddled on his bed in the corner. Hiding under a blanket, he trembled. With every boom and flash, he pulled on the blanket tighter. I sat beside him, pulling thin legs up to my chest. We had been close to the same height until about freshman year when I, and the rest of the kids had their growth spurts. Unfortunately, Karkat was left the same, sad height; he hated it. With the dip of the mattress, he only seemed to cower further into the corner of the wall. In a swift movement, I yanked the blanket from his head to find wide eyes and quaking features. To my surprise, he lung forward, almost knocking me down. Arms tightly wrapped around my stomach, he held on for the remainder of the storm.

We never talked about that night, but I remembered it. I always would. It was truly the start of our deep friendship. From then on though, he trusted me; I trusted him.

It was an interesting thing she had caught onto him. He never actually followed through with his threats. They were hollow and only for protection.

In the moments of their continued bickering, I also realized how short she was. Karkat had at least an inch or two on her; and that's saying something. Green eyes shown usually bright under the shadow of her flipping, brown hair and blue hat. I proceed to stand by them as she talked on and on about random things and Karkat threw more insults her way. She still persisted with overly descriptive stories and dramatic arm motions.

After zoning out on all conversation my mind began to stray. Something about the moment before Nepeta arrived still bothered me. I had distracted myself almost completely, but his words returned little by little with some thought. He said he had thought about it and that he might- love… Love what? I didn't want to believe he could have possibly meant me. I couldn't handle another person who carelessly threw those words around. Even if I did feel the vague emotion that was slowly growing stronger, that much commitment in a few words was startling. Fucking commitment issues again, I know. Still, it was too much. Right?

Yeah, too much.

My brows had knitted while my mind plunged in thoughts. Coming back to reality, I found four eyes staring at me.

"Sollux, come back to earth idiot." Karkat snapped in my face, causing me to blink.

"Huh?" I uttered, regaining focus.

"Would you like to get some lunch?" Nepeta asked. "I'm only here for a few days, visiting my friends, and then I have to go back to school."

I thought for a moment, weighing my options. Sitting through lunch while these two would most likely spend their time arguing, to sitting by myself eating junk and playing video games. Gaming sounded pretty damn good right now, but I shrugged. I guessed some real food would do me good after this hell of a week.

"Why not." I replied indifferently, already strolling off to my truck. I glanced behind me to check if they were coming, but an agitation sight caught my eye. Close behind me, Nepeta managed to force her arm into a link with Karkat's. He fidgeted, but didn't pull away completely from her grasp. A sudden, and rather unexpected, grunt bubbled in my throat as the unexplainable annoyance struck me with idiotic envy.

This was going to be worse than I thought.

As we left for the usual place to grab a cheap lunch, I was subjected to drive while Nepeta forced herself beside Karkat in the back. Constantly giggling and nuzzling against his shoulder, she made an irritated feeling begin to creep up in my head. Eyes glared in the mirror; I didn't even realize I was doing it until I almost rear-ended the car in front of us. Slamming on the breaks, we screeched to a stop. There was a thud against the back of my seat, followed by a hiss.

"Shit Captor!"

"Sorry." I muttered before looking back and cursing at myself for doing so.

There they sat, Nepeta rubbing his forehead as he grumbled with crossed arms, but did nothing to stop her.

"I'm fine." He protested, but she shushed him with a pat to the cheek.

And he actually became quiet; that seemed to anger me more. The fact that she could actually calm him down that fast left me feeling pissed off.

Why?

How the hell would I know.

This shitty, over blown concept of a friendship- I need to stop calling it that. This… Confusion was screwed up to where I didn't even know how to feel.

Apparently a girlish jealousy. Yeah, that sounds like something I would flip shit loads about and have to deal with before I fucked it up worse.

I had quieted most of my grumbling by the time we reached the small diner. Walking a few steps ahead of them, I forced myself to keep my gaze forward. I disregarded the surplus more of giggles that followed at my heels. I felt almost like an adult with two children aimlessly letting me lead. I slid into a booth, only to be left alone as Nepeta squished Karkat into the seat beside her. Clinging to his arm, she wouldn't let him move. That was definitely one thing I disliked about women. They were clingy and needy as hell.

It's funny. Karkat wasn't much better.

Nepeta ordered the same as we did after obliviously flicking coke all over the table when she played with her straw. It wasn't that I automatically judged her, but I found it hard to believe Karkat tolerated her. His patience is even lesser than mine when it comes to people. At one point, she finally removed herself from his arm and slid from the booth. She excused herself to the restroom. This was my opportunity to figure it out. I leaned forward on my elbows, raising a brow. He stared back at me with the same blank expression.

"What?"

"How come you've never mentioned her before? You two seem pretty close since she can't leave your side, or your arm, for a second."

He blinked before almost scowling at me. "She's just a friend; I do have friends other than douchebags like you. Jesus, you're starting to act like a paranoid girlfriend…"

I slumped back down into the seat. "It's just a little sudden, especially since I've never heard of her. She acts like a sister but still manages to come off flirty and giddy. I'm a little surprised you can stand to be around her."

He sighed, playing with his fork. "She's had a crush on me since like sophomore year of high school. Do you not remember how she followed me around whenever she could until we graduated?"

I shrugged. "Guess not. I was mainly focused on my grades and not failing instead of your stalkers and apparently neurotic admirers."

He grunted, dropping his fork. "You're an ass"

I ignored it, letting a moment of silence pass. "You never went for it?"

"For what?"

"Her."

"Why should I have?" He asked, sounding slightly irritated. "She's annoying."

"You're still her friend."

"She's pushy and stubborn."

"You give in pretty easily."

"I don't want to." He protested louder.

"You're afraid to." He fell quiet instantly; I guessed that was it. "Never had a girlfriend?"

"It's no big deal." He mumbled, gaze now set on the table.

I nodded. "That would explain the whole first kiss thing." His cheeks reddened a little. "You're so innocent."

His head snapped back with a glare. "Oh and you're not?" He barked and I smiled. Opening my mouth, he waved a hand furiously.

"Nyeh, don't answer that. I don't want to know about your disgusting personal life and the many drunken sluts who have mingled their way through it."

"So be it." I replied nonchalantly, folding my arms.

Before he could form a retort, Nepeta returned. My grin disappeared when she snuggle close, once again, nuzzling her head against his shoulder.

This is senseless.

I ate my lunch in silence. I held back sarcastic and snippy remarks as Nepeta rambled on and on about her school and how much she's missed Karkat. He simply listened, nodding along now and then. Once we were all finished, I stood walking over to the register. It didn't cost too much for all three of us, so I went ahead and paid fully. Upon returning, Karkat and Nepeta were now standing.

"Ready to go?" I asked, but an awkward pause fell over us.

"We're thinking about going to see a movie." Karkat replied.

"Alright." I checked my wallet. "Yeah, I think I have enough-"

"Actually Sollux," He began, but fidgeted a little. "I meant just me and Nepeta."

"Like, a date." She added, arm already linked with his again and a smile plastered across her lips.

My eyebrows rose inadvertently as I forced the slight frown almost breaking on my face. "Oh… "

An interesting and unexplainable look passed between Karkat and me. I couldn't read his expression, and equally, I didn't think he could read mine. IN the end, our eyes averted each other's and they brushed passed me. I turned to follow, at least until we were outside. Walking through the door, I immediately hooked left as they went right. Hands shoved in my pockets, I looked over my shoulder. Nepeta placed a silhouetted kiss on his cheek that made my stomach churn. I turned, hurrying to my truck. I needed to get home before I did something regrettably stupid. I drove a little too fast, and a little too recklessly, but at this point I didn't care. I got home, throwing keys onto the counter and slumping onto the couch. I turned the t.v. on staring at it for at least an hour before pulling my phone out with an agitated sigh.

_iim pi22ed_

_well hello princess good evening to you too_

_2pare me the slew of saracstiic and generalized re2pon2e2 2triider. ii don't want to here them._

_jesus captor_

_what the fuck has you so tight wadded_

_2omethiing 2tupiid._

_and that would be_

_kk…_

_as i guessed_

_relationship a little harder than we thought_

_iit2 not a relation2hiip,a22_

_my my bitchy tonight arent we_

_ju2t 2hut up. thii2 i2 not want ii wanted_

_and just what do you want from me_

ii don't know. god, it'2 ju2t. fuck, iim being 2uch a girl about thii2. kk'2 on a date.

_arent you two like involved or something_

_ii don't know what the fuck we are. apparently neither doe2 he, becau2e he'2 on a fuckiing date wiith some chiick named Nepeta._

_oh yeah ive heard of her from jade_

_well shit man im sorry i guess_

_no rea2on to be sorry. ii don't really know what to do though. iim ju2t 2iitiing here feeliing liike a peiice of 2hiit beiing all bluh, pathetiic me22_

_johns not over want to come here_

_nah, ii know how much karkat would fliip iif he knew ii went to your house. ii'll just stay here. diistract myself wiith some t.v._

_thats cool_

_well text me if you change your mind_

_doors always open_

_thank2 dave. 2ee you 2ometiime._

I tossed my phone across the couch and it smacked against the arm, falling back down. I sighed with a long deep exhale. Then those thoughts began to wander. First to the image of someone else's lips on his cheek was burned deep in my mind. What if it got worse? I kept thinking. What if they would go to the movie and dinner and he'd realize he may feel something for her too. Maybe she'd kiss him again. Maybe he'd kiss her back.

My hand rammed into my forehead with enough force to snap me out of my blackout of thoughts. I tried to stop thinking about it, but somehow it kept working its way back in. I shouldn't be bothered by this; especially not this much. Karkat wasn't mine; I had no hold over him. He shouldn't have to worry about my feelings, right? We weren't anything serious enough to label so why should I restrict him from dating on his own will?

The more I thought about it, the less anything made since. Feeble emotions that I wish I could eradicate all together clouded my mind with loathing and sappy worries. I wanted to push them away and get over the fact that he was out with some girl. This thing that had been going on was nothing; it meant nothing. But still, it almost hurt to think about it.

And that's what bothered me.

Why did I feel pain? This wasn't something that should affect me in anyway, but it did. It affected me in all the wrong ways, Tugging painfully in my chest and making my stomach knot with uncertainty and anger.

I stood, a hand brushing furiously through my hair. Walking into the kitchen, I reached for a neglected cabinet. Opening the door, an all too familiar bottle was grasped by my hand. I bit at my lip as I flopped back down onto the couch. The cap fell to the floor, t.v. sounds drowned out by my breaths and pounding heartbeat. Rich liquid poured down my throat. It wasted no time before flying straight to my head. It created a wash of pain and blurriness. The headache came early just as the fuzzy vision and thick tongue. Still, the bottles contents were emptied into my mouth little by little. When the last drops fell to me tongue, I tossed it to the ground, thankful it didn't shatter. Nothing seemed to help me now. Even the usually blissful intoxication left my thoughts straining to focus in my mind.

A great time later, I didn't know how long it was, the knob of the door began to turn. When the door open and shut, the light was immediately flicked on. My eyes scrunched and I hissed. Karkat walked over to where I was before standing and staring at me.

I sat up a little with a drooping smile. "Eyy Karkat. What'th up?"

He winced at the sound of my lisp previously formed. That sneer soon turned into a glare that burned its image into my eyes.

"You're drunk." He stated in such a tone laden with disappointment. He shook his head, held by his hand.

"Fuck Sollux. Why do you react this way to the smallest things?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Man, 20 chapters already!**

**Anyway, this chapter's going to be unusually short. It's really just a continuation of the previous chapter (which is why I'm posting them at the same time) I just felt that there was the need of a break.**

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><p>"I'm not too drunk." I replied shortly. I really wasn't. There hadn't been much left in the bottle, so it was just enough to make my tongue heavy and my voice a little slurred. I was fully capable of thinking and definitely the argument that was bound to come out of this.<p>

"Yet that means you are a little bit." He moved over, sitting beside me. With a sigh, his head fell into his hand. "Why?"

"Why what?" I asked after turning to look at him.

"Why do you run off and get drunk when the smallest thing changes?"

"I can't fucking handle change Karkat. You should know that by now."

He merely sighed again, his hand rubbing small circles on his forehead. "I went on a date. So what?"

"How was it?" My eyes were staring into the side of his head.

"I don't really have anything to base it off of…" He muttered, not making eye contact. "It was nice I guess."

I twitched a little. _Nice._ So he enjoyed it. Did he want to do it again? How much happened?

Did he kiss her?

_Calm._ I told myself in an attempt not to flip out in rage like usual.

"How was the movie?"

"Fine." He replied shortly. He obviously didn't want to talk about this, but I didn't care at this point. I was going to ease myself in as much as I could until I found out all that I wanted.

I opened my mouth to ask the next question, but he cut me off.

"You never told me why you decided to drown yourself in that disgusting stuff."

I shrugged.

"You know why." He barked back at me. "You never drink unless something's bothering you or stressing you out. So what the fuck is going on in your shit brain?"

"Nothing." I replied simply.

"Damn it Sollux!" He almost shouted, slamming fists against his knees.

I retreated a little, a frown twitching softly.

"Just tell me what you're thinking about. I want to know what's bothering you. You've been off all day, and I couldn't figure it out. And now this, I just want to know." Eyes scrunched close and his fists began to turn white around his knuckles.

My tone suddenly became more serious as I turned to stare at the floor again. "Fuck Karkat, I don't know-"

"But you do." He broke in again. "You just won't tell me."

My muscles twitched. "You want to know why I came here and drank." _Don't do it. _"You want to know what's been bothering me all day." _This won't end well. _"You want me to tell you everything I'm thinking, everything I'm feeling." _Fuck it. _"Fine. I'll tell you."

He swallowed, eyes slowly straying to my face. It took me a moment to find my voice, particularly with those eyes staring at me.

"For some fucking reason, my chest feels like it's been stabbed. My stomachs in a knot, my head hurts, my hands are clammy; and it isn't the alcohol. They were like this before I tried to make everything go away. I feel like a jealous idiot, but you're right. I have been off today. And you want to know why? It's because of your little friend that showed up out of nowhere and decided to cling all over you. Like if she didn't hold on with her life, she'd die or blow away. And you know what else? I don't understand one damn thing about how I feel. Every single part of me wants to go back a couple of weeks to where you were my roommate and I was focusing only on school. Just because it was simple. Yet I can't. I couldn't possibly leave this now. Because now- now, you're this person that's so important and I have no fucking clue what to call you. You're not just my friend anymore. The overwhelming need to just layer kisses all over you brings about the point that we're pretty far from friends now. But still, I don't know what else to call you. And now, you went off with this girl. God I hope you didn't kiss her. Please tell me you didn't. I don't want to think about that all over again. Damn it Karkat you've thrown me into this meaningless ramble about my shitty feelings, and I- I just don't know…"

He stood during this entire thing, staring at me blankly. Slowly, his glare melted away. A slightly confused gaze replaced it.

"I didn't." He whispered after a few mind numbing moments of dead silence.

My eyes rose from the floor to look back at him. "What?"

"I didn't-" He repeated a little quieter. "I didn't kiss her."

Eyes twitching wider, I sat up a bit. "You didn't?"

He shook his head, turning away. "She tried to, and I was going to, but I couldn't. It didn't feel right."

"What was wrong?" I asked, intrigued by his sudden shyness.

"I just couldn't kiss her. She was different. She wasn't… wasn't… you."

Fingers flinched and breath escaped my throat silently.

"Karkat…" I whispered quietly.

Slowly, his head turned back with an almost timid appearance. Without word, my thin fingers moved higher, brushing his cheek and up into his hair. His breath hitched a little, but he didn't move. Instead, I pulled his head forward softly as I met him in the middle with gentle kiss. He shifted to keep me there for a moment, but I pulled away gradually. Soft eyes opened to meet mine. No anger or irritation was left in them now. Lips parted slightly, his hand rose to cup my cheek.

"Kar-" He brought his leg up onto the couch so he could lean over and mash his lips back into mine.

"You taste like booze." He muttered between kisses.

"Get over it." I managed to spit back at him before I was silenced again.

Scooting back, I soon reached the couch arm, and I rested up against it. With Karkat following at my lips, he moved towards me now sitting on his knees. My legs rested on either side of him as he someone wedged himself basically into my lap. One hand pushing me back into the couch's arm, the other strayed from my cheek up into my hair. It was odd for him to be taking this much lead, but I couldn't say I dislike it. With my hands settled on his hips, he pressed against me. My arms rose to wound around his back, but he broke away. Breathing heavily, hands fell to curl between us. He slid down a little and shifted, head resting against my chest. A hand rose to brush through his messy hair, and he nuzzled down even further. His eyes drooped closed after a little bit, and a soft snore bubbled against me. My head then rolled back against the couch, and I closed my own eyes. With a small tug at my shirt, he mumbled something in his sleep, and I couldn't help the smile that spread happily across my face.


	21. Chapter 21

**Whoa guys 100+ reviews! :D:D:D Thank you all so much :3**

**I am glad I have my extremely boring Modern History class. It's when I do all my writing for these chapters :)**

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><p>It was still dark when my eyes opened. The red numbers of the microwave flashed 3:30 back at me. I shifted, empty arms lying against my chest. Mind clicked and I sat up a little.<p>

"Kar-?" I mumbled, voice dripping slow with sleep.

No response came.

Finally, my eyes adjusted to the darkness. In the light glimmer of the moonlight, Karkat sat at the table. His head in his hands, he was a silent figure. I pushed myself to tired feet. A small headache banged on my forehead and stumbling legs drew me forward. I stood by him, rubbing my eyes in an attempt to wake up a little more.

"Karkat... What're you doing? It's late." My hand fell on his arm. "Let's go to sleep." I gave a small tug to his sleeve, thinking he would come with just that, but he didn't. "Karkat?"

He shrugged his arm away from my hand. His head rose to stare forward into the dark kitchen.

"What're we doing?" He asked in a whisper.

My hand returned to my side before I sat beside him. "What do you mean?"

"This," He waved his hand back and forth between us. "What is it? It's like we're friends until we go and fucking make out of the couch. But then that's it... Any other time it goes back to the way it's always been."

I fell silent, breaking away from his eye contact. My fingers tapped on the table until his hand grabbed mine and wrenched my attention back to his face.

"Don't try to blow me off Sollux. Don't crack a joke or piss me off until I forget about it. Answer me. What the hell are we doing?"

"I don't know..." I muttered quietly, but his eyes narrowed and his grip tightened. "I don't fucking know Karkat!" I snapped, jerking my hand away.

_Shit, calm down._

"Why do we have to settle this right now? Can't we do this in the morning?"

"No." He cut back. "I can't sleep with this over my head now. When need to settle this. I'm tired of not knowing."

"And you think I'm not?" I couldn't help my tone anymore. I was irritated, and I wasn't hiding it.

"Then why aren't you trying to figure it out?"

I stood, my fist pounding back down on the table. "Fuck Karkat! I am! I've been driving myself crazy trying to decide what this is. Don't act like I don't care at all."

"Do you?" he remarked.

My eyes narrowed a little. "Of course I do."

"You don't act like it." He shot back quickly and harshly.

Slowly my patience had withered. This snapped it in two.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I don't care? Out of all people, you think _I_ don't care." I threw my head back in a laugh. "Oh god you're insufferable sometimes. Who the hell carried your ass to the hospital? Who sat waiting for any news just to know you were okay? I practically ripped my mind apart worrying about you! And you think I don't care."

"Why then? Why is it that at all other times you just go back to being my best friend? Why must you avoid talking about this kind of stuff all the time?"

"I don't."

"But you do!" He shouted. It was too early for him to be shouting.

"So what? It's not like we're going to decide anything! It's too damn hard. We either are something or we're not."

"What are we then?"

His blunt questions that he made sound so simply only fuelled my irritation. "I've already told you this. I don't know."

"What do you want to be?"

I was silent again, and it made him fidget.

"Well-"

"I don't know." I said before he could finish.

He sighed, shaking his head. "Sollux, please-"

"Please what? You asked, I'm answering."

His eyes shot up at me. "You don't have to get so defensive and cross asshat."

I glared down, grumbling deep in my throat. "This is exactly why I avoid talking about it."

"So you admit to avoiding it."

"Yes Karkat. Sue me. I didn't want to talk about this damn issue. Everything was going fine until you decide to go and make a big deal out of this."

"A big deal?" He hissed. "Of course, I have to make it a big deal. You wouldn't even pay attention to it if I didn't! God, sometimes you are so stubborn, oblivious, and combative. I can see why Aradia broke up with you."

He didn't. I wanted to think I miss heard. Oh, but I didn't.

My fist flew forward grabbing him by the collar and yanking him from his seat. His feet wiggled above the ground as I brought him to eye level.

"Too. Fucking. Far you piece of low lying shit. Couldn't get to me with your usual jabs, so you decided to make yet another reference to my failed relationship? Big fucking deal. My bitch of an ex-girlfriend was a whiny little girl. I can't believe you'd stoop so low as to compare this to back then."

His hands rose, curling around my own. "Let me go."

"Apologize."

"Stop running away."

"Stop being an ass."

His hands yanked at mine. "Shut the fuck up and put me down, fuckass."

I dropped his collar, feet failing under newly found instability. He almost fell, but caught himself on the chair.

I stepped back, anger crackling through my head. He glared at me, straitening his shirt back out. With one step, I grabbed my jacket and keys. Pulling it on, he took hold of my arm. I jerked it away, staring him down.

"Where are you going?"

"Out- that good enough?"

I opened the door, but he caught me again.

"Why?"

"Because I'm a fucking master at running away from things." I spat, stepping through and slamming the door behind me.

I didn't even care that it was early in the morning anymore. I went stomping down the hallway, violently shoving my hands in pockets. I didn't turn around when I heard the door click open. Though, after making it almost half way down the hall, a hand grasped the back of my jacket. I stopped, looking over my shoulder. His head was stooped low before wide, glistening eyes rose to meet mine. They stabbed a pain in my chest, but the anger overpowered them.

"Sollux…" He whispered.

I jerked my arm, ripping the jacket from his hand. He stepped back, retracting his hand and holding it against his chest.

"Don't go." He continued and it made my heart fall. His voice was weak again. He'd lost the fight he was holding earlier. In its place was a feeble tone of desperation. A sniffle raked my ear with pain. I truly wanted to turn around and bring him into a tight embrace but his words still flashed through my mind. Fuck, if he thought Aradia had a right to break up with me, what would stop him from doing the same if I did actually move forward with this?

Shit shit shit. I was freaking myself out again. Damn I couldn't handle the thought of dating Karkat. It made my breath stop; and not in a good way. It almost terrified me, but I had no idea why. I should have been so afraid of something I had done times before. I'd dated people, kissed people… even more than that, but everything was different with Karkat. It was all magnified and put to the extremes.

Nothing was simple and clean cut.

It left me racked with confusion and scratching the ground to stand. My feet couldn't get any traction and I would immediately sink back into the earth. Fingers scrambling in the dirt, only to be stepped on by everyone passing through my life. Kicking clouds in my face and laughing at bloodshot eyes. Broken, alcohol laden, bottles cut at my skin while salt poured down into my wounds. I would whine and writhe in pain, but no one could help me; not even Karkat. He was kept far away from helping me. I knew he wanted to, yearned to, but for some reason I wouldn't let him. I kept him locked up in the corner- crying to get out.

I had definitely seen him shed too many tears over the years. It wasn't any better knowing a good half of those were my blame.

This was no exception. Soon enough, a tear pricked his eye and escaped down his cheek. I didn't want to be so cold to him, but he had gone too far. He blew this whole situation way out of proportion and the fact that we was now trying to be so pitiful actually just peeved me a little more.

"Fuck off Karkat. I can't deal with all of this right now." Without giving him the chance to reply, I walked off with loud steps.

I cursed at the cold air awaiting me outside when I made my way over to my truck. Climbing in, I flicked it on and cranked up the heat. I pulled out, attacking the air with harsh grumbles.

How the hell did sessions of kissing and cuddling somehow turn into an argument? And worst, I had stormed out now. I hadn't figured out what we were, and now that Karkat wanted to know too, it only made me stress out more. It wasn't my fault I had no clue what was going on. Sure, I felt something for him, but to label it was way too much right now. I wasn't exactly sure what I was feeling, and I didn't think he was either. And so I did just what I always do.

I ran away.

I was a fucking coward, and I embraced it. When I couldn't think of anything else, or I didn't want to face something, I'd simply escape. I wouldn't confront it like a strong man, no, I'd run like a puppy with my tail between my legs.

I drove down pitch black and empty streets faster than I should have. It wasn't until I reached a tall building that my truck stopped in a parking spot. I fell from it, closing the door forcefully behind me. Heavy feet clung to the ground as I walked forward.

I walked slowly up into the building. Continuously going, I only stopped to stare at the door in front of me. Gold numbers tempted me to knock. And so I did. A fist tapped lightly against the door. With no reply, I hit harder and repeatedly until I heard footsteps from the other side. I moved back as it opened. Dave's slim figure rested against the door frame, rubbing fingers against his eyes. He straightened up a little with a yawn and a hand running through his hair and the other giving a tug up on his sweat pants.

"Sup princess?"

"I'm pissed the fuck off." I replied curtly.

He stepped aside, adding a scratch to his bare stomach.

"Come on in."


	22. Chapter 22

**Eheheheh a few of you are going to hate me for this chapter. Oh well- no worries. It's a long one!**

**My goodness. I love this chapter… I have put a lot more work than usual into this one. Hope you guys like it!**

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><p>With a nod, I filed into his dark apartment. He followed behind me, shutting the door. He seemed to not even care it was at least four in the morning. Typical Dave to be so indifferent about these things. He sat by me on the couch, leaning back and folding his hands behind his head.<p>

"So what happened?" He asked, smooth and familiar tone calming me already.

"Karkat and I got into a little fight."

"Care to explain?" He asked, sitting back.

"Well," I began slowly. "It was all good. I had been cuddling to adorable fuck out of him when we fell asleep, but I woke up about thirty minutes ago to realize I was alone on the couch. I found him sitting in the kitchen." My hand began rubbing my forehead. "When I tried to get him to come to bed, he started asking me all about 'what we are' and 'where is this going' and shit. Hell if I know."

"What'd you tell him?"

"Nothing. I don't fucking know what we are. I can't decide something so fast..."

He scratched his head and paused. "Well he's obviously been thinking about it. And it would seem he wants to move forward."

I simply nodded. It was all I could do.

"So, do you feel the same?"

Silence. "I don't know. I mean, I think I do, but it's a hell of a lot when I'm so uncertain."

It was his turn to sigh. "Well that's where you screwed up. Vantas is like a girl. He knows exactly what he feels and isn't afraid to show it. But you think differently."

"Can't really help it." I grumbled.

"No, but it makes him freak out. You have to look at it from his stand point. He's practically put all his heart out there for you to either take or step on. Right now it's like you can't decide so you're hovering over it with your foot resting on top, filling him with nervousness."

I fell silent, knowing he was right. "Fuck," He breathed with a stifled chuckle. "I feel like Rose doing all this psychoanalysis bullshit."

I exhaled lightly, feigning a smile.

"Come on." He said and patted my knee. "Let's get something to drink."

We stood, walking over to the kitchen. I was about to grab glass when I thought of something. I whipped around, knocking straight into him. Previous thought escaped me. Glasses fell to the side revealing one of his eyes. The flash of color caught my own and before he could quickly push them back up, I grabbed the rim. Ripping them from his face, he kept his eyes screwed shut.

"Dave-"

"Fuck Captor, give me my shades."

I held them behind my back, scrunching my brows.

"I already saw a little. What're you trying to hide?"

"Nothin'. Shit, glasses, give 'em."

"Open you're fucking eyes Strider."

Apparently my tone came out a little harsher than I intended, but reluctantly his lids parted. Pupils contracted to the unfamiliar light surrounded by fiery red irises.

"Shit dude..." I breathed with an exhale.

His eyes flicked away hold the hesitant glare forming.

"That's fucking awesome." I chuckled lightly and grinned. "Oh, but I'm sure you'd rather me say ironic. Correct?"

"Fucking perfect." He remarked, finally drawing his stare back to mine.

In the dark, it was still a little hard to see his features, but the moonlight trickled in and I'd already learned them too well to forget. They inched closer as I held my breath.

"Dave I-"

Lips stopped me from speaking; soft at first, but steadily growing more intense. My first instinct was to pull away, but I didn't. Nor did I really want to. As hands made their way up into my hair, mine found a nice place residing on his unusually curved out hips.

Not bad at all.

It didn't take long for lips to part and that talented tongue to slide through. I fought back, the battle for dominance already beginning. A small grunt actually passed between us as thumbs dug into his waist and fingers pulled at my hair flawlessly. He pulled back enough to let his arms fall, loosely hanging around my neck. Eyes flicked over my face as his tongue ran along his teeth.

"What about John?" I asked, but still pulled his hips back into me.

"What about Karkat?" He smirked with a suave manner.

"Touché." That was my retort before occupying my mouth with his again.

My bottom lip was nibbled at before once again his tongue searched through every expanse of my mouth. My hands moved to pull him up by that ass and he sputtered a chuckle into my mouth. The vibrations shook through me, only making me pull closer. Un-tangling from my hair, he moved and slid off my jacket. My hands moved only to let it drop to the ground before returning. Even though they made it back to his back, he pushed them at my sides. I was a little confused a first, but once he began to tug at the collar of my shirt, I understood completely. It was quickly removed and tossed astray into the room behind us. Lips broke away only to catch a breath and for his eyes to drift up and down my chest.

"God Captor, do you ever eat?"

I scoffed but held the grin. "I'm sorry I can't be as muscular as you oh great Strider."

He smirked, grabbing the waist of my pants and yanking me close. "That's alright. You're not too bad to look at."

"I can say the same to you." I replied, leaning down again, but this time me moved his head to round and attach to my neck. "Nnng-"

My head fell to the side as he sucked and nibbled at the skin. Suppressing the moan bubbling in my throat, I wound my arms back around him. His bare chest ran against mine, only setting my nerves more on end. With one hand once again lost in my hair and the other still holding onto my waistband, he stepped back. He pulled me along with him as we weaved through the darkness, lips trailing back up to mine after a moment. Kisses became shorter but more feverish. They were sloppy and left a craving for more. With that, he drew me into another dark room. I had no idea where anything was until he fell. Back flopping down, he jerked me with him forcibly. Knees rose at some point, legs at his sides. He propped himself on his elbows before I was able to straddle his hips and push him back into the mattress. It seemed he had become completely submissive at this point. Hormones on a rampage, we both lost all care and let our bodies do what they pleased.

It wasn't that I felt any romantic feelings towards Dave. I never had. It was just a blind lust. The attraction that Karkat's innocence wouldn't let him give into. He would never allow such obscene thoughts to breach his mind; even at our age. Dave was right, he had the mindset of a teenage girl. He wanted a strictly emotional relationship to which only one person could fit. Sure, sloppy make outs here and there were fine, but anything more than that would be reserved for one special person at the perfect moment. It couldn't be given away without much in depth thought and consideration. Lips were kept sealed and hands never strayed far from the face. It hadn't really bothered me before now, but I could so easily wish for more. I would be happy to have Karkat underneath me, but he wasn't. He wouldn't dare to think about being so forward. Romance was his thing, and it was all he wanted. I could give him that, but sometimes I needed more. This was one of those times. And so, my body looked for its outlet. It just so happened to be in the form of a pale skinned, freckled blond with an amazing ability to force my caution down.

As legs kept him locked on either side, one of my hands kept me up while the other preoccupied itself, grazing his chest. And fuck did he have ab muscles. Soft, almost white hair once perfectly swept to the side was now a wavering mess going in every direction. I'm sure mine wasn't much better, but it wasn't the time to worry about that. Suddenly, he moved. Shifting up quickly, he slid out from under me and pushed me down. I rolled onto my back to keep contact. He took advantage of his now dominant position, lips layering kisses and teeth biting at skin as he went. He wiggled down me, marks leaving a trail down my chest. A kiss followed by a nip was placed just below my belly button, but he stopped and looked up at me with a questioning uncertainty. I nodded, swallowing and closing my eyes. With that, he tugged at my jeans. The button opened and the zipper slid down.

That's when we lost it.

Things became a blur of fingers moving everywhere they had never been, lips reaching every inch of our bodies, and hands trailing up and down. They drew out lengthy moans and whispered curses of pleasure followed by the repetition of names hissed into the darkness.

God it was horrible how it felt.

I was disgusted that I gave in so easily to the desire, but I couldn't stop. I wouldn't.

It felt so fucking good.

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><p>The sun was the next thing to break my conscience. It poured in, flooding my eyes. Even with closed lids, I knew it was shining bright. With one hand shielding my forehead, my eyes opened. Everything registered in my brain, and my hand fell to smack against my face.<p>

"Fffffu-uck." I drawled in a hissing whisper as my hand swept through a shit mess of hair. My arm fell to an empty spot on the queen sized bed in which I had almost completely forgotten about climbing into. Swinging my legs down, I pulled my body from the warmth of the covers. I shivered as air ran down my bare back. After standing, I reclaimed my jeans from the floor. I pulled them up, tugging with a small jump and buttoning with a final zip. Staggering out of the room, I moved into the bathroom with my fingers digging into my eyes.

I quickly relieved myself before washing my hands and staring up into the mirror. Hair a mess, sticking up in ever directions, my lips pursed. I was only distracted from that by the tiny red marks dotting my neck and collar bone. Taking a step back and lowering my head, I followed them all the way down my chest to my waist line. And I stopped there with a long sigh. I didn't dare look to see if they continued.

Shutting my eyes, I swung away from the sink and mirror, not wanting to look at myself anymore. It was disgusting to think about it all, and so I didn't. I just pushed it away and tried to move forward. I stopped in the kitchen with a light yawn, rubbing the back of my head. There stood Dave, wearing the same sweat pants as last night, though I'm sure they were newly acquired. He was leaning up against the counter with a cup of coffee in one hand. He gave me a short nod, now ruffling his blonde hair.

"Mornin' Captor."

I gave a small nod before walking closer. He extended a hand, bringing a freshly poured cup of coffee to me. I rested against the counter beside him, and with a small glance down to my chest again, I scoffed lightly.

"Thanks for the fucking full body hickie line Strider. I'm so thankful you felt the need to leave your mark in so many places."

"I could say the same to you." He replied calmly.

I scanned over him, but raised a brow. He caught my look with a sigh. Looking down, he pulled his waist band a little lower.

"I've got plenty on my hips and- …yeah."

I looked away immediately with a mixture of slight embarrassment and contrite anger. A hand rose to brush through his hair as a sigh escaped.

"I didn't really have any intention of that happenin'."

I nodded.

"Fuck man," He continued, obviously a little bothered. "I haven't even gone that far with John."

My eyes widened somewhat in surprise. I turned back, but he stared forward.

"That's- …I don't know what to say."

He shrugged, brushing it off.

"Not a big deal. He's more of a serious thing. I mean not that that wasn't great and all, but it's different. You know?"

I nodded again slowly. "Yeah… I know exactly what you mean."

He shot me a small glance, but asked nothing more.

After taking a few drinks, I set the cup on the counter, pushing off with my hips. I re-found my shirt that was now strewn across the room and hanging lifeless on a chair. I pulled it on before sighing disappointedly.

Great fucking day to wear a V-neck.

I turned around, rubbing the back of my neck.

"Hey Dave, you got a scarf or something?"

He cocked his head. "Yeah, but why-" Realization. "Oh, eh, hold on."

He disappeared into his room, bit he returned in a matter of moments. Black scarf in hand, he stuck out his arm. I took it gladly with a small nod as I wrapped it around my neck. Thankfully, it completely covered the red marks all along me. With that done, I looked him in the eyes. No words were spared, but he knew exactly what my dreadful expression foretold. He nodded, walking over to the door. I followed him until he opened it. I continued out, but a hand caught my arm. I looked back to find an unusually serious look in his still uncovered eyes. Either it was different, or I had just never seen it before because of those shades.

"Good luck." He said with a slightly displeasing sincerity.

I nodded solemnly. "You too."

Giving a pat to my arm, he retracted his hand.

I turned, walking back down the hall and down the stairs. It was progressively getting warmer each day, and the scarf was only making me uncomfortable. I wouldn't dare take it off though. Climbing in my truck, my head hit the steering wheel before I started the engine. I gripped it as my jaw clenched and my teeth gritted.

How could I have been so fucking stupid?

Anger and the light tinge of alcohol pushed me to retreat back to Dave. I knew he would never say no to this kind of stuff. Dammit, why couldn't he have just rejected my coming? If he hadn't answered the door, or just shooed me away, I wouldn't be in this self-loathing position. I feared returning home, but I had nowhere else I could go.

I unwillingly brought my head from the wheel and started the truck. Pulling out, a long sigh drew out when I began to drive back down the road. I focused on the road, keeping my mind blank until I reached my usual parking spot. The walk up to my room was slow, dogging on, and filled with teeth gnawing at my bottom lip. I never thought I would be so scared of Karkat. A short guy with feeble emotions. How did he manage to scare me shitless?

I reached our door, shaky hand reaching for the keys in my back pocket. The door unlocked, and I stepped into an empty room. Keys were set lightly on the counter followed by my jacket. I cautiously walked through the apartment. Stepping into the doorway of our room, I was met with an immediate glare. Throwing the pillow he was clutching to the ground, Karkat stood. Feet pounded over to me and rearing back, a fist flew into my chin. I wasn't quick enough to dodge, and so I stumbled back, holding onto my face.

"Jesus Karkat-"

"Shut your god damn fucking mouth!" He shouted.

There was no hesitance, it was full out rage. I hadn't seen him like this in weeks, and it left me a little frightened. My hand dropped as I stared at him blankly.

"Who the hell do you think you are? Your damn indifference and irritating combativeness pisses me off. You go and fucking yell at me for no god reason when I only want to figure this shit out, then you up and leave me to go god knows where. How can you just fucking run away like that?"

I finally found my voice and barked back, "God, I couldn't take it all at once Karkat. You know I'm not good at this kind of stuff."

"You got that right." He muttered, rolling his eyes.

"See that right there! One more fucking reason I have such a hard time dealing with you. Your smart ass retorts."

"I wouldn't have to make them if you were a little more cooperative instead of dragging your feet through every serious conversation I try to have with you!"

I sighed, rubbing my temples between my thumb and finger. "Shit Karkat, this is too fucking hard."

"It doesn't have to be." He said, tone calming down. "Do you feel something for me?"

I fidgeted slightly with the phrasing. Why did this stuff make me so uncomfortable?

"Yeah... Of course I do." I replied quietly.

"Then it's that simple-"

"But it's not." I susurrated harshly, interrupting him. "I can't give you as much as I know you want. You can't be so facetious with emotions; and I know I sure as hell can't."

"But Sollux-" He stopped suddenly, taking a small step forward. "Since when do you wear scarves. I didn't even know you owned one."

"I- well," I sputtered, face growing nervously hot. "I bought it last night. It was cold."

_Aren't you an amazing liar._

His eyes narrowed a little, obviously not believing me. "Seriously Sollux, even if I did believe that, it's not cold in here. Take it off."

His hand reached forward it, but I grabbed his wrist and held him a fingers length away from my neck. His arm wiggled in my hand as he grunted.

"Let go. What's your deal?"

I was silent, but my grasp didn't loosen. He pulled more forcefully now until he finally pried himself from my grasp. As I scrambled to grab his wrist again, he shot forward. Clutching onto the scarf, he ripped it from my neck. It fluttered to the ground as his eyes grew wider and he stepped back.

"_Fuck_" He whispered before eyebrows shifted from a saddened curve to a deep tilted anger. "Where the hell were you last night?"

I didn't answer, but he grabbed my shirt, pulling me forward. This only made things worse as his gazed followed down my neck to the line of the dipping collar. I tried to stop him, but he used his other hand to push my shirt up to my underarms. A squeak came as he shoved me backwards and glared at me with even wider eyes.

"What the fuck Sollux? Wh- where did you go? Who did this?" His voice had grown noticeably weak and trembling now.

I stayed silent, but it only seemed to affirm his fear.

"It was Dave wasn't it? You fucking ran back to him, didn't you?" No reply. "Didn't you?" He shouted as loud as he could, eyes clamped shut to fight the tears back.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize you asshole. I don't want to hear your fucking lies."

"I'm not lying." I pleaded back.

"Then why?" It was too late now for saving now. Tears fell freely from his eyes, and it stabbed my chest, stealing my breath and any stability left. "Why do you keep doing this to me?"

"I don't know Karkat." I stepped forward, hand brushing his arm. He jerked away with a cringe of pain.

"Don't fucking touch me!" He hissed through broken cries.

I continued forward, but he slid past me back into the hall. I turned around ready to follow, but his stare caught me.

"Why don't I just call John and tell him about my wonderful little discovery?"

"Karkat, don't make this worse."

"Why shouldn't I? You're pretty good at that. I think I should try it out."

I stammered in coherent mumbles, trying to find an inexistent way out.

"Just stop."

"No."

"Karkat!"

"You're awful."

"Shut up." I cracked.

"How could you?"

"Shut the fuck up."

He pulled out his phone, holding it up. "I'm defiantly telling John."

"Fine!" My voice rose to a shout. _Don't._ "Go ahead. Call him. And I have something I want you to tell him." _Don't do it._

His eyes narrowed considerably. "And what's that?"

"Tell him," I paused; making sure Karkat was listening for what was coming. _You're making it worse._ "I thoroughly enjoyed fucking the hell out of his boyfriend, _all night_."

_You're an idiot._

The phone he was holding fell from his grasp. It clattered to the floor as his arm went limo at his side and his knees began to shake.

"How... How..." He repeated in a mumbling whisper that I could barely hear.

Without word, I turned and shut the door, leaving him crumpling in the hall. I slid down the back of the door, my facade deteriorating by the second. As I heard his feet move furiously and the door open and slam shut, I lost it. The back of my head smacked against the door repeatedly, every time bringing a tear on my cheek and letting it burn as it ran down.

I was an idiot.

My arms wound around myself and it was so painfully ironic. All I wanted was to hold Karkat close, but I had just furiously pushed him away.

I had fucked up the last good thing in my life.

Who knew when I'd be able to fix it again.


	23. Chapter 23

**Hehe alright guys. In regards to last chapter; I ship DaveSol about as hard as I ship SolKat… So… Yeah lol. I like them both. And I would totally throw in some JohnxKarkat in here too if it made since to the plot. But I just don't see Karkat as the kind to do something like that even if Sollux has pissed him off. But yeah. Just putting that out there C: Anyway, as always, enjoy the next chapter!**

**Oh goodness, the feelings for this chapter... There are too many of them.**

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><p>When I left my room that night, he was gone. Jacket absent from the hook, the door was closed and the licked flicked off. Regret immediately came into my mind. I wiped my cheeks, trying to remove the dried tears. I turned back, dragging myself into the bedroom. Quickly changing into some sweat pants, I slid into bed. I stared up at the ceiling before I couldn't any longer. My eyes reluctantly shut and I fell asleep.<p>

The next morning, I awoke feeling no better. The only thing that was different is that I wasn't tired. I got up, and got ready as my feet slugged along. School was long, and the only thing that got me through it was the fact that I didn't have work today. And so, after school I hurried home so I could sit on the couch and drown myself in beer and hate.

My plans were postponed however. For when I returned home, I was met with a scurrying Karkat. It looked as if he was trying to finish by the time I got home, but he didn't. I found him running around our room, throwing clothes after clothes into a big duffle bag while muttering to himself. I dropped my shoulder bag on my bed before clearing my throat. He stopped moving and became silent.

"What're you doing?" I asked firmly.

No response. My jaw clenched, and I spoke again.

"Karkat, what're you-"

"Leave me alone." He hissed at me before he continued moving again. He picked up another shirt, but I moved forward, grabbing his wrist. He jerked away and shot me a glare.

"Don't you fucking dare touch me."

I stepped back, hand falling to my side as I returned the glare.

"That's my shirt."

He looked down at, and after a second threw it against my chest.

"Whatever." He grumbled and continued moving.

"Where are you going?"

"It doesn't matter."

"John's?"

No reply. Definitely John's.

"How long?"

"How ever fucking long I want jackass."

My hands formed into fists, but I forced them open in an attempt to calm myself down.

"Fuck Karkat, please don't do this."

He whipped around, stern eyes digging into me.

"No, you don't tell me what to do. I will do whatever I feel like. You should be well aware of how that goes. Now if you would please excuse me," He zipped up the bag, grabbing it and walking past me. "I have to get out of here."

I rushed after him, holding the door open as he tried to shut it.

"Karkat, wait. I can't let you leave like this."

"Even if you can't, I can. You went too far Sollux. I can't just forgive you like that. You've fucked up too much. Goodbye."

I could hear his voice was quickly cracking. Every word was becoming weaker and less harsh. Still, he scowled at me. He yanked the door from my hand, slamming it shut. This left me in a once again silent room with an empty feeling and a saddened frown.

Both of these lasted for days. Almost a week passed with no word from him. No phone call or text. Nothing. And it killed me little by little. I was okay the first day, and even the second. But from then on, slowly my life was slipping away. School began to fall short of anything. I did nothing at my job; just trying to get through. When I came home, I carelessly stared at the t.v. until I was too tired, and I went to bed. Every day I tried to think of ways to get him to at least talk to me. I would call him, but he would never answer. No texts were ever responded to. And even if I saw him around the campus, he would never look me in the eyes or even acknowledge my existence. I think that hurt even more than him not answering my calls. So, I decided I needed to tell him everything. I couldn't hold back anymore. That's what got me into this situation. I wanted him back at my side; I would do anything. Nothing had ever hit me so hard, and I knew it was something I couldn't give up on. Every other person I knew could float out of my life and I wouldn't give them a passing glance back, but not him. Karkat was different. I had said that so many times, but it was so true. He made everything different; in good ways and bad. I liked it and hated it. It made decisions so easy, but others so hard. The only thing I was sure of anymore was that I wanted him back. No longer have him glare at me in anger, but instead look at me with soft eyes and open his arms to fall into a long, warm embrace. I didn't care about any of the physical stuff anymore. If it came down to it, I would choose my emotions over anything. And so I decided what I did.

I would write down everything I felt.

I sat down at the table with a piece of paper and a pen. Brushing a hand through my hair, I stared down at the blue lines staining the white paper. I braced myself and swallowed hard as I began writing. Even as the words started flowing, I shook and tears started to build behind my eyes. I pushed them away not wanting to break down again. I'd save that for another time. It was important to give all my focus to these words. They were my last hope of explaining everything to him. I hoped to God this worked.

_Karkat,_

_ Because of the current circumstances, I understand you have no desire to speak with me, but there are things I need to tell you. Please don't throw this away or toss it aside like I've done with everything else. I promise you this is coming straight from my heart. With a shaking pen, I am trying to pour every ounce of sincerity onto this page. Even with the words I am writing, I could never explain to you how sorry I am. The past few days have been the worst hell I could ever imagine. Not being able to see you and tell you these things is more painful than I thought._ _My throat is always dry no matter how much I drink._ _My heart aches more than my head. I want to erase the last week from my mind in order to go back and never get mad at you. I want to suck every word I yelled at you back into my throat and never let it out. My temper is too short; I know. You didn't deserve anything I have said or done to you. God, the things I've done. I'm surprised you stayed as long as you did. I probably would have left a long time ago, but you didn't. I am thankful but cursed at the same time. I am so grateful that you allowed me your affection, but now I know how much I need it. My life has turned to shit. Nothing seems to matter other than these words right now; nothing but trying to get you back by my side. The room is silent when I sleep. When I come home wanting to greet you with a hug or even a simple hello, it kills me when I know you're not there. It's true, I still have no fucking clue what to do about you and me, and I'm not sure if I can give you everything that you want from me. But I do know one thing. I can't live without you, Karkat. I know that now. It's impossible. And I'm having even more trouble writing this now. I could go on for pages, but my hand won't allow it. Its trembling and I hope you can still read this._ _Even if you can't, I need you to know that it's hurt more now than the fear I had when you were here. When you started talking about moving forward and becoming something more, I flipped out. I'm sorry. I know I can't handle commitment, and I know I need to work on it. But I promise you, it had nothing to do with me not liking you. Fuck, there's something I want to tell you, but I can't. Not in a letter. It's something that ink and paper couldn't express. It would be flat and meaningless when I want you to know I intend it to only be said to you. So please, I beg your forgiveness. I plead to that I you will read this and understand the honesty that I hold. I pray you will consider this apology genuine, and allow me the chance of speaking to you and telling you the things that I need to. The things that I am struggling to even think about but I know I can tell you them. Please Karkat. I care too much about you to let you go like this. I need to talk to you. Please just let me see you. I know I can express myself and open up. I know I can, and even if I can't, I will force myself to. For you, I will do anything to gain your trust again. _

_Please._

_-Sollux_

I signed my name, and just as the x was place, the pen fell from my hand. It rolled on the table as I picked up the paper, folded it and struggled to get it in the envelope. My shaking hands were not helping this endeavor, but I finally got it in there and sealed it properly. I stood, not even taking the time to put on my jacket. Grabbing my keys, I hurried out the door. Without checking to see if I actually locked it, I walked down the hallway, the stairs, and out the door. It was getting dark. The clouds had surrounded the sky with the impending threat of rain. That only made it darker as I climbed in my truck. I drove through it; the light spatter already hitting my wind shield. Headlights broke through the black night until I cut them off with the engine. I pulled myself from the truck, dragging my feet as I walked around to the sidewalk. A wave of caution flew over me as my fingers tapped nervously against the letter in my hand and my eyes stared up at the house. I suddenly questioned whether or not I could do it. Would this be too much even for him? I had poured all my feelings onto this piece of paper. After he read this, I would be completely open to him. I wanted it to be that way, but at the same time, the extreme tightness in my chest pushed me away. I disregarded it though, and I moved one stiff leg at a time, slowly making my way up to the door. I climbed the steps and raised a shaking fist. It knocked _once, twice, three times._

After that, feet scuffled towards the door. The knob turned and it was opened. At first, I was met with clear blue eyes framed by those rectangular glasses. But then, upon seeing my face, they clouded with what I could only take as hatred.

"What the fuck do _you_ want?"

Cursing never bothered me, but when John did it, it seemed so much worse. He put so much emotion into his words to where anyone could easily tell how much he disdained me right now.

My hand rose, the letter still shaking lightly.

"John please," I stared him down, hoping he could see the look in my eyes.

Apparently he did, for his own glare lightened, and his muscles relaxed.

"What?" He asked, tone holding only a slight disposition now.

"Will you give this to Karkat?"

"He's not here-"

"I know he is. Please John, I beg of you to give this to him."

He sighed, lifting a hand and grabbing the envelope.

"Fine." He muttered with a small pout.

He turned to leave, but I took hold of his shoulder.

"John."

He looked back, shrugging my hand away.

"What?"

"Will you make sure he reads it? _All of it._"

"Yeah." He then turned back, shutting the door behind him.

I walked away from the house slowly. It was done now and I couldn't turn back. With a glance up, I caught a small shift in the curtain. The swished close which drew a sigh out of me. I then continued on to my truck. I got in, drove home, and went straight to bed. I didn't change. I merely dropped my keys, kicked my shoes to the corner, and flopped face first onto my bed. And it hit me again. As I turned and looked across the room, the already made bed was empty and cold. It hit another chord in my chest, making it grow tight and shallow. I fought back anything that may have come with sleep. Forcing my eyes closed, I laid there until finally, my mind stopped flying and my worries became silent for a few hours.

The next day I awoke early. I got up and got ready for a long day of school and work. God, it was monotonous. I couldn't focus anymore. Every thought went back to that letter. Each turned into a worry that was forced away by me telling myself it would all be okay.

The clock ticked on. Seconds melding into minutes, minutes into hours. I almost broke from the anxious energy making my muscles twitch before my shift was finally over at the book store. I quickly drove home and rushed up to my room. I wasn't really sure what I was rushing for, but a piece of me felt like something was waiting for me. I desperately hoped I would open the door and Karkat would be standing inside so I could pull him into a hug and never let him go. Whisper to him all my feelings and tell him things I had never told anyone else.

When I turned the key and opened the door, my heart fell.

The room was empty and silent. Tired eyes searched but found nothing. I walked in, dropping my keys on the table when something caught my eye. A small, white piece of paper sat folded on the table. A small flicker of hope flashed in my eyes as I picked it up. I opened it and scanned over my name written at the top. Then came the rest.

_Sollux,_

_ I can't do this. My heart is screaming to say yes and accept what you told me as the truth, but my mind is second guessing itself. I want to believe you. I would do anything I could to change my mind, but I can't. You don't see how much you've hurt me; you never do. And that's why. Why I can't take it so lightly. You obviously can't control yourself. You say these things, and yet after a few words, you go running to Dave and you do- that. I know I've made it hard for you because I won't go that far but, to know that you are going about this with such little care. It hurts. I hurt. And so, I'm sorry, but again I tell you, I can't do this. You are playing with my emotions too much. I feel like I'm being strung along for your support. I only gain affection when you need it; never the other way around. I need someone who can be there for me and not make this so hard. You are making things too painful for me to handle right now. I can't feel this much for someone that can so easily manipulate my feelings. Maybe when you grow up a little we can be something more, but not right now. Right now, I need to focus on other things. I care about you greatly, and I might even be able to say the same things to you, but this has been too much. I'll never forget how much I feel for you right now. I'm sorry Sollux. Goodbye._

_-Karkat-_

I barely made it through half before tears were falling to stain the page. I had melted into the chair, fingers gripping the page. With the final words, my lungs were choking for air. A fist formed, crumpling the paper. I released it only to move my hands and grip my hair. Pulling tightly, I gritted my teeth and scrunched my watery eyes closed with a hiss.

I had messed this up too much, and now not even Karkat would forgive me. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I felt pathetic and weak, but I couldn't stop. Not even holding my breath worked. It only made the gasps hurt more as they broke through. My heart felt ripped and torn; my chest open and sliced through. A migraine surfaced, hammering all the way down to my throat. My arms sunk with my head. Sounds muffled by the table. My eyes grew weary as the tears pooled against the wood. My fists were clenched with white knuckles until they couldn't hold the strength anymore. I was completely distraught. Completely disoriented. Completely pathetic.

And that night I cried like a little girl; more than I ever had before. More than I ever wanted to. More than I ever thought I could one person. One fucking person who I felt so much for he wore me down to nothing. Stripped me of every dignity until I had let him do what I was always afraid of. He saw inside of me; all my feelings. And he crushed them in one letter. It killed me. It stabbed me straight through my chest until I couldn't breathe, but I still cried until I couldn't anymore.

I cried until it all faded into darkness.


	24. Chapter 24

**Hey guys! Alright to start off, in response to a comment I got about where I live, I live in good old Tennessee (not really that good lol) And I usually update anywhere from 10 p.m. to 12 p.m. Because I don't have a lot of time at home to write, I usually write during school and then type it all up in one go. It usually takes a few hours and by the end of it its usually close to midnight. Right now actually, it's about 10. So yeah, that's that.**

**Another thing! I HAVE A TUMBLR NOW. ( thebuzzingofabee . tumblr . com ) (ffff take out the spaces between the .'s ff is just being stupid) I created it…. Yesterday. Hehe so yeah. I will be posting anything and everything from my homestuck fandom to random stuff to my life; basically anything I want. The main reason I set it up was for an ask blog :) It's on the right side of the screen. So yeah, you guys should totally go and ask me questions or just tell me whatever. I'd love to answer them!**

**Do it. You know you want to. ;)**

**Alright, enough rambling. Onward with chapter 24!**

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><p>I sat on the bench in the campus park, a light drizzle already dousing my face as I stared up at the sky. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. Everything hurt but my nerves had since gone numb. The water showering down barely made a difference as it pooled on my face and ran down. People passed with their umbrellas dancing around them. They hurried on their way, all having a place they needed to be. I, on the other hand, had nowhere to be, no one to see. My clothes began to stick to my skin, and I decided it best not to get sick. I stood, hands shoved in my pockets, and I turned on my heels. Beginning to walk, my head stayed tipped back, staring up at the sky.<p>

My mistake.

Soon enough, I was jolted to a stop as an umbrella smacked against my face and a body rammed into mine.

"Fuck! Dammit, watch where you're going dumbass."

The voice hissed and it made my eyes widen. I knew this voice. I would never forget it. I looked down at the red umbrella before choking out the sound.

"-Karkat?"

Slowly, the umbrella tipped back revealing those wide, brown eyes shrouded by ever growing hair.

"Sollux..." He whispered before stepping back and quickly turning to hurry away.

"Wait!"

Before he made it too far, I stepped forward. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him to a stop. He glared back at me, but it wasn't strong and he didn't move away.

"Karkat please-"

"I read your fucking letter. That's what you wanted me to do, right? Well I've told you everything I feel so please," He yanked his arm away and turned completely. "Leave me alone."

"I can't." I replied quickly. "I never knew how hard it would he without you. I mean, I have bags under my eyes that don't go away even after ten hours of sleep. There's this pain in my chest that won't stop, and when I think about you, it only hurts worse."

"You understand how much it hurts then? Having so many feelings for someone who just slid their heel through your heart?"

"Of course." I said with a nod even though he couldn't see it. "I understand how bad I hurt you now. I'm so sorry."

I heard a small laugh come from him as he shook his head.

"You don't though. You think you do, but I know for a fact you could never understand. Fuck , what if you were a fucking-" He broke into a whisper. "virgin... And, and you knew that the one person you might let go as far as that is so frustrated with you that they go off and sleep with the next guy they can get their hands on?" He paused, bringing in a shaky breath. "You will never know what that feels like."

I stared at him in silence until he started to walk away again. My heart jumped into my throat forcing out a shout.

"Karkat what about that thing I have to tell you?"

He stopped walking, but didn't reply or turn back around.

"Karkat… I think I might l-"

"Don't say it!" He overpowered my voice with a loud cry and shivering shoulders. "I can't bear to hear you say that. It'll only hurt us both. Please, let me go."

"I can never do that." I replied softly.

"You have to." He sent a final glance over his shoulder with undoubtedly remorseful eyes. He then straightened himself, umbrella rising above his head. It moved farther away, and I wanted so desperately to run after him. I would squeeze him until he knew how sorry I was. But I couldn't run. I couldn't even walk.

The rain picked up, soaking me now. Still, I stood. I stared at where he left, wishing for an impossible return. My heart throbbed in my chest, cracking with every second that passed without him. He was right, I would never know how he felt. I had hurt him in ways he would never dream of doing to another person. I cursed myself with the fact. Even if I had poured my heart out to him, I understood that he couldn't accept an apology so easily. I wouldn't give up though. This was something worth fighting for.

The next day, I found myself sitting on the same bench, a cigarette was placed limp between my lips as the smoke wisped around my face. Every now and then, I'd take a long drag, keeping it in almost to the point of coughing. With every exhale, more smoke shot from my mouth.

Sure, I was technically supposed to be in class and not wasting my time lounging on a bench, but I didn't really give a shit. I instead had such a level of indifference that staring off into the park for hours at a time. The end of the cigarette began to burn completely and the white ashes fell onto my arm. It took a moment for the burning to set in, but once it did, my muscles twitched I pain.

"Shit!" I hissed as I smacked my arm, furiously brushing the ashes off.

"Smooth move, Captor" A voice snorted behind me.

I turned slightly to gaze at the figure slouched up against the back of the bench. Black shades stared back at me with a casual smirk. I sighed, slumping back down.

"I'm the fucking epitome of cool." I remarked, but he simply pushed himself up and over the bench. Feet smacking the seat beside me, he then slid down next to me.

"Actually, that'd be me." A different snort came from my mouth as it mixed with a chuckle. "But anyway, don't you have a class right now?"

My hand rubbed my eyes under my glasses and into my hair.

"Fuck school." I stated to which he laughed quietly.

"If only."

I replaced the now completely burned down cigarette with a new one and lit up again. A brow sat perched above the shades.

"Since when do you smoke?"

It was weird hearing the slight curiosity in his tone. Emotion and inflection were two things I thought I'd never hear in a Strider's voice, bit there they were. I'd been hearing it ever since we-

A snap in between my eyes. "Yo, Captor."

I blinked. "Huh? Oh, sorry, I don't know. Couple years back. Stopped for a little while, but now that my life's pretty much a big pile of shit, I've kind of picked it back up. Karkat never liked it, but that doesn't really matter anymore."

"Things still bad?"

"Well since he's been living at John's for about two weeks now, I'd say so."

He offered a slight sound of discontent before shifting his arms to the back of his head.

"Well shit, that's why John's been so frantic when I try to come over. And to think I thought it was something I did."

I turned my head, brows furrowed in confusion. "He hasn't told you?"

He shook his head. "Not a word."

"And does he know about us...you know?"

He nodded lightly, gaining a small look of displeasure. "Doesn't take long for the short, pissy balls of anger to blab things like that."

I might have chuckled at the comment if that pissy ball of anger wasn't the one reason I was moping around.

"How'd that go?" I asked, my eyes now drifting forward.

"Not that bad. Don't get me wrong; he exploded on me, but I still managed to calm him down and apologize."

"How?" I asked immediately.

"How what?"

"How did you get him to accept your apology just like that? You know how you told me to explain everything to Karkat? Well I did. I wrote him a fucking letter, but he wouldn't even take that. I poured all my juvenile, pansy assed feelings into it, but he just knocked it aside. The dick wouldn't even speak to me. And yesterday, I even saw him walking past. I caught up to him and I tried talking to him. Explaining everything to him, but he still wouldn't listen." My fists clenched on my knees. "He just kept telling me how much I was hurting him. Dammit, he's hurting me too. I have fucking feelingth- fuck, _feelings_ for him too. Little shit. Can't even talk through his own emotions, and he still wants me to.

Dave stayed silent for a moment before scratching the back of his head.

"Well he's still different. You can't expect him to react like John, they're completely different. And besides, John knows I love him. Fuck do I love that little derp." He paused, basking in the small smile on his lips before it disappeared quickly. "Karkat on the other hand is just scared of you. Scared you don't actually mean anything you're saying."

I nodded lightly. "I know. But still, he should understand how much I care about him."

"He doesn't though. You need to somehow show him that you'll always be there even if he's mad at you."

"But I've tried." I growled lowly. "I've tried everything I can think of."

"Stop trying. Let the opportunity to help him come to you on its own. Trust me, gaining Karkat's trust and screwed up sense of affection will probably be as hard as me getting with John in the first place."

My head tipped back as I stared up at the sky. "What do you mean?"

"Well damn, if the guy hadn't spent the first seven years of our friendship claiming 'no homo' every minute, I might have asked him out earlier."

"And what'd you do to finally break him out?"

He sighed, pondering for a moment. "It seemed to be a mixture of him stopping his denial and me being charming as a mother fucking Strider can."

I stifled a laugh, pushing it down with the seriousness settling in my mind.

"So I just sit around till the little fuck stops being a stubborn ass?"

"Basically." He replied flatly.

I scoffed a little, rolling my eyes. "Fantastic."

A silence passed between us before a pat hit my shoulder and he stood.

"Well, good luck man. I've got class, but I'll see you around."

Just as he left, the drizzle of rain began to lightly cast over the campus again.

Wonderful. Another night of rain.

A sigh quaked through me, shuddering as it went. I finally stood, walking straight back to my dorm. The sky was growing darker and the rain continued to become heavier by the minute. It was going to storm tonight, and it brought more fear than anything.

And storm it did.

By the time I made it back into my room and over to the window, rain was pouring from the sky. Clouds covered the ground in a veil of darkness as the low rumbling approached.

I threw the curtains shut before flopping onto the couch and covering my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Please be ok..." I whispered for no one to hear.

I knew the storm was approaching fast. With the storm would come more worries about Karkat. This would be the first time in years that he wouldn't be able to talk to me. He would always call me or make me come over, but not now. I knew he wouldn't bother with that because of his anger. And so I worried. Even as I ate dinner and listened to the rain pattering against the window and the thunder growing louder, I worried. I knew he was at John's, but was that good enough? Would John know what to do? Would he know how to help him through this?

Evidentially not.

It was around eleven when the thunder had become increasingly loud, and the lighting struck through the sky with burning light. I was huddled up on Karkat's bed, watching the t.v. in our room. You couldn't see it from mine, so I was subjected to sitting on his, or what used to be his. Curled up against the corner of the wall and the pillows, I stared at the t.v. My mind was blank until my phone began buzzing. Eyes flicked across the room to the flashing light. I sighed, ignoring it for the time being. I really didn't feel like talking to anyone right now. It soon stopped, and I turned my attention back to the screen. Within a few seconds, my phone was ringing again; buzzing and lighting up on my bed. I pulled myself away, slumping over. I plopped down into the un-made bed. Picking up my phone, I flicked it open and raised it to my ear.

"Sollux?" The voice was quiet and a little timid.

I straightened up, focusing. "John?"

"Yeah."

Thunder clapped and lighting made me jump a little, but I quickly recovered.

"Uh, is something wrong?"

"No, I mean not really..." There was definitely something wrong.

"What is it John?"

"Eh, well, I- um," it sounded as if he was already regretting calling me.

"John," I demanded sternly. "Just tell me what is the matter."

There was a forced silence followed by a reluctant mumble.

"It's Karkat."

My back stiffened and I clutched the phone a little harder.

"Is it the storm?"

Silence. I perceived he was nodding from the slight ruffling.

"He's pretty freaked out. He buried himself in every blanket I own and he's shaking. I don't know what to do Sollux."

His voice was almost... Distressed. It hurt knowing he was going through another one of his episodes and I wasn't there. I needed to be there. He needed comfort.

"Sollux?" His voice snapped me back.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry." I scratched the back of my head. "John you just have to talk him through it. Tell him it's ok."

"I tried." He replied hastily. "He wouldn't pay any attention to me."

"You have to break through that. Underneath he's just brutally afraid." _And I should be there not you._ I cursed in my mind.

"I- I can't." He stuttered back.

"John,"

"You do it!" He squeaked.

I was taken almost a back. I sat for a moment in silence.

"What?"

"You know what to do, I don't. Please Sollux, just help me. Help him."

"Alright." I didn't need convincing. And according to the rustles, neither did John.

A door clicked open and more rustling came after it. Then to phone was moved from his face as muffled voices came.

"Karkat-"

"Go away!"

"Karkat take the phone."

"No!"

My eyes brows furrowed at the sheer volume of his voice. He wasn't angry, but instead it was replaced with that all too familiar terror. After a few more incoherent shouts, more rustling led to a soft breathing.

"Who is this?" He hissed with shaking and broken whispers.

"Sollux." I replied quietly.

I was expecting him to immediately hang up, but instead he let out a long, shaking sigh. "Sollux..." Thunder boomed and he whined. "Sollux I can't."

"Can't what?"

"I can't... I can't... Where are you? You're… You're not here. Where am I?"

"I'm home, you're at John's." My grip tightened even more on the phone as my eyes clamped shut and the beating in grew heavy. This is my opportunity. This is what Dave was talking about. I needed to be here for him. I wouldn't pressure him, or make him worry. I'd only comfort him.

"I fucking hate storms." His quiet voice broke my thoughts; racking me with that hint of pain again.

"I know."

Another flash. Another whimper. My chest tightened every time I heard him. I wanted to be there for him. Right beside him where he could hold onto me and ground himself to the earth.

"Fuck, Sollux, it's so loud."

"It's ok Karkat. I'll be right here."

"No… You're not here."

"I'll stay on the phone. Don't worry."

"I'm not worried!" He shouted. "I'm still mad at you." The latter came out in almost a whimper, and I cringed.

"I know, I know."

A hitched breath made me wince. Another made my nerves tremble.

"Sollux…?"

"Yeah Karkat?"

"I miss you." He whispered longingly.

My heart jumped, a frown curving deep on my face and eyes already welling up.

"I miss you too."

I wouldn't cry; not tonight.

* * *

><p><strong>I promise you things will be better soon! Just stick with me through the sad stuff :)<strong>


	25. Chapter 25

I thought the call would have ended there, but it didn't. Slowly, he pulled me down into a state of choking back tears and furiously rubbing my eyes. I wasn't a crier, but dammit Karkat knew exactly how to pull them out of me. He had long since broken down. We were both mumbling incoherent words to each other, but we knew exactly what they meant. With every clap of thunder or stroke of lighting, he would yelp and cry out. And every time it wore me down more and more.

"Fuck Sollux. Why is it so loud?" His whispering had turned into a harsh hissing by now.

"I don't know Karkat. Just keep calm."

"I am-" Another boom. Another squeal. "I'm... Calm..." He stuttered out; obviously a lie. "Dammit." He whispered with a shivering breath. "Why aren't you here?"

I was silent. I wondered the same thing. Why wasn't I there?

Because he's mad at me.

I'd be there as fast as I could if I knew it wasn't just the storm that was making him like this. If it wasn't the storm I'd-

He whimpered as the wind beat against the window and lightning light up the room. "Sollux... I need you here..."

"But Karkat-"

"I don't care. Please, come over. John will get over it. No, fuck what John thinks. Just, I need you."

_I need you._

How many times I had wished for him to say that. And now that he had, I was rendered speechless. I couldn't form any words or move. A small utter of breaths escaped, but that was it.

"Sollux...?"

I stood from my bed abruptly. Holding the phone between my shoulder and my ear, I had already begun pulling my shoes on.

"I'll be over soon."

_Boom._ A yelp.

"I'm coming Karkat, see you-"

"Don't leave."

I stood fully, both shoes on, and reclaiming the phone to my hand.

"What?"

"No, fuck, I mean. Yeah, come over please, but, shit, don't hang up..."

"Why? I'll be there in like ten minutes."

"Just don't you fucking idiot!" He shouted. Not something held back, he full out yelled into the phone. I pulled it away from my ear just in time, but soon brought it back with a sigh.

"Got it. I won't hang up. Happy?"

"Fucking ecstatic." He sniveled. "Now hurry up dammit."

And I followed his command. I practically dashed outside, jumping up into my truck. Key clicked on the engine, tires rolling quickly against the slick pavement. Windshield wipers furiously whipping back and forth. Phone squished against my crooked neck, I talked to him the whole way there. I just tried to keep him as calm as I could before I got there. Upon arrival, I practically jumped out of my car before it was even turned off. Rain drenched my jacket; lightning illuminated my path. I reached the door and banged with a curled fist. Eventually, John opened the door and looked at me skeptically for a moment. He then realized why I was there and moved out of the way.

"He's upstairs." He muttered quietly as I was already pushing past him.

I tossed my jacket to the doorway. I almost ran up the stairs, heading straight to the guest room. The door swung open with such force, it slammed against the wall.

"John, I don't-" His voice stopped after he slowly looked up.

The phone slid from his hand onto the bed. He stood, and I walked in a little more. My phone was put back in my pocket when he took a step towards me.

"Sollux I-" An extremely close and loud crack of thunder pounded against the world.

He shrieked in fear, rushing his step to push off the ground. The force plunged him into a leap as he lunged forward with extended arms. As lightning lit up the room, quickly darkening it again, he rammed straight into me. It knocked me back a step, but I stood strong. Arms wound intensely tight around me, pulling desperately at my shirt. His face was buried deep in my chest as sobbing breaths made it hot. I hesitated for a moment, arms hovering in the air. But then, I allowed my muscles to relax. My arms lowered to hold his back softly, pulling him closer. My head dropped and my eyes closed. With a few final gasps, his breathing tried to steady itself. He tipped his head back, and as I felt it, my eyes opened again. They met his; brown irisis glistening with tears and deeply bloodshot.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered sadly.

"You have nothing to apologize for." I replied, forcing out an uncomfortable sounding chuckle. "I'm the ass that went off with Dave."

He shook his head. "I freaked you out. You were just confused."

"I'm sorry. I'm so useless and indecisive as hell. You don't deserve someone like me. You deserve someone who doesn't fuck everything up when he gets a little scared. I'm incompetent; an idiot."

His gaze continued to soften as he wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. "I know you didn't intend to hurt me."

I nodded. For a few moments, that's all I could. Nod like an idiot.

"I would never hurt you on purpose." I finally managed to say. "And that thing with him meant nothing. Not like things with you. Nothing like what I feel for you. Because I l-"

Thunder. Fucking thunder.

His head slammed back into my chest as he pulled my shirt forward to barely cover his ears.

"Karkat..." My voice came out so soft; I was thankful.

Slowly, his face peeled away and looking back up at me when he was sure the thunder had stopped. My hand moved from his back and lightly caressed his cheek. Inching closer, I could already see the light flush growing brighter under the one already there because of his crying. I stopped, close enough to where I could feel his breath.

"Can I?" I asked quietly.

He nodded cautiously against my hand. With great care, I closed my eyes and moved closer. Silence emptied the room. Even the rain seemed to stop when all I could hear where our heartbeats and the quiet murmur of breathing. Lips met gently, spending quite some time being pressed together, but no more. And I was perfectly content with that. Here he was; finally in my arms again. He was letting me in again. I was kissing him with that tender feeling only he could instill in me.

It was all okay again.

He broke away all too soon, but his eyes never strayed from mine. Fists grabbed back onto my shirt as the rain came back into sound.

"Stay with me?" He asked, but there was a hesitant statement hiding behind it.

He already knew my answer by the look in my eyes, but I answered with a quiet _of course_ anyway. He grabbed my hand and shifted back over to the bed. I sat up on it, my back against the wall. He crawled up next to me, but soon shifted to where his legs were laying across mine and his arms were around my torso. He nuzzled into my chest, hair fluffed up against me. I smiled and let my arms fall around him. My head dipped to where my nose was buried in the brown mess. I took in a long exhale as the storm quieted. The pattering of rain softened as the thunder climbed through the sky further and further away. Lightning no longer sporadically lit up the room, so we were left huddled up in an enveloping darkness.

"Sollux..." He whispered, pulling my eyes open enough only to be blinded by soft tufts of hair going in every direction.

"Hmm?" Was my simple reply.

His hands tightened their hold slightly. "I'm glad you're here."

I couldn't help but smile. Even if it was small and a little guarded, I knew it was there, and I couldn't hide it for very long.

"I'll always be here." I whispered back.

God, since when did I become such a sap? Too many romcoms for me. Even so, I knew that's what he wanted. He wanted me to let everything known and show him that I could leave myself just as vulnerable as he could. He gave me a snug cuddle before going lax again. After that, it was quiet. He didn't speak, and neither did I. We just sat in blissful contentment. The rain was more calming than terrorizing now.

Gradually, his eyes slipped closed and he passed off into sleep. All the shrieking and crying, I could tell he was exhausted. I sat there quietly watching his face twitch every now and then, but then a thought came to mind. My head moved back, banging slightly against the wall behind me.

I had class in the morning.

My first thought was fuck class, but I couldn't miss another day. With another glance down to Karkat, I sighed. I really didn't want to leave him. We had finally gotten back to where we were, and I was feeling so happy. I didn't want it to end now. I didn't want to leave his arms. What if the storm picked up again and he woke up to find me gone? Would he get angry again? Would he think I didn't care?

My thoughts were interrupted when John entered the room. Upon seeing us, he quickly turned to leave again, but I waved a hand and whispered out a sharp call of his name. He returned with a head poked around the doorway, but I motioned him in completely.

"What is it?" He whispered, already taking note of the sleeping Karkat.

"Well, I have class early in the morning." I paused, glancing down again but back up. "I can't stay."

He gave a small nod of recognition. "You need to go then?"

I returned the nod with one of my own. "Just, if he wakes up tell him where I went, and if the storm picks up again, you can always call me."

"Alright." With that final word, he slipped back out the door, and once again left us alone.

I needed to leave whether I wanted to or not. If I didn't get home, I wouldn't have time in the morning to get ready. Thus, I carefully pried his arms away from my shirt. He shifted in his sleep to thankfully roll away. Moving his head down to the pillow, I stood before his out stretching legs kicked me. I gave a light stretch before pulling the blanket up to his neck. Leaning down, I placed a small kiss on his cheek, much to my pleasure, and forced myself away. Sure, I could have laid right back down next to him, but I made myself turn away. I pushed my feet along the carpet and out the door. Closing it quietly behind me, I walked down the stairs and into the living room. John was curled up on the couch, phone in hand, and giggling like a school girl.

Talking to Dave most likely.

I waved goodbye to him and he called after me.

"Bye Sollux!" A pause; listening. "Dave says bye too!"

I almost chuckled to myself as I gave another wave and made my way to the front door. I put my discarded jacket back on, walking out the door. After my hood was flipped up over my head, I stepped off the porch into the rain. It quickly soaked through the thin fabric, making me shiver. I hurried to my truck before climbing in and flicking on the lights. They blazed through the dark street just as everything else around me went pitch black. With another escaped sigh, I pulled away from the road. Driving through the rain, it only seemed to pick up again. Thankfully, no thunder or lightning came with it. Just rain. Heavy sheets of it. Splattering against my windshield, it made my wipers swish back and forth faster and faster. Visibility lessened by the second. I cursed under my breath with the thought of turning around and heading back now, but I didn't. I had to get home. I had to go to class. I had to drive through this rain.

_Bad decision._

Soon enough, my lights did nothing. My windshield wipers couldn't keep up with the rain. I couldn't see where I was going. Blindly trying to remember my way home in the dark; rain pelting the window with harsh jabbering and foggy drops. As I was driving straight, a forgotten curve in the road came upon me. I almost drove straight off the road, but I swerved in time to make it. This however threw my tires into a veering mess of slick asphalt and rubber tires desperately grabbing for traction. They found none. They aimlessly skidded around, curling in on themselves. The inflexible frame of my truck skated with them. Sideways, they moved across the road. Another curve ahead. There was no way I turn on this one. And so, tires hit grass. They slid through it, mowing down anything in sight. Next, the sight of a tree. Tall and strong it stood in my path. Then, darkness. And silence. I clamped my eyes shut as hands let go of their pointless hold on the wheel. The slow motion view of the tree inching closer and closer sped in a matter of seconds. The only thing I heard next was a smattering crash. The crunch of metal and shatter of glass clawed at my ears. They tore at my skin. Then the pain. Blurry vision brought the recognition of searing pain throughout my body. My legs were cramped up and twisted in the now crunched floor board. Glass cut my arms, and I could feel the slow drip of something wet from my hairline, down my face. Blood? No, it couldn't be blood. This couldn't be happening. It was only until I glanced down that the real pain hit me. My arm was at my side, distorted, bent in the wrong direction and crushed between the door and my side. I made an attempt to move it, but a harsh cry of pain leaked through my gritted teeth. The sleeve of my jacket was stained a deep crimson. Definitely blood. I didn't want to know what it looked like underneath the cloth. Nothing felt in the right place. My other arm struggled to move. Glass stuck out and left more blood streaming down my arm. Out of my pocket, I pulled out my phone. A furiously trembling thumb struggled to hit the keys.

_Help_

That was all I could manage before I hit send and my arm collapsed; phone clammering into the floorboard. Completely limp, my head fell back against the head rest. Sight wavered between clear and blurred. Suddenly, cracking came into my ears; deathly cracking. My eyes flicked around to look for the source, but I couldn't find one. That was up till the final crack snapped at the air. At that point, more sounds and more pain wrenched the night. A strong limb fell. Directly on top of the truck, it punched down like a giant fist. The impact sent me jarred forward, head smacking against the steering wheel and back pinned down.

I heard nothing; saw nothing; felt nothing.

It all faded.

Everything decayed into black.


	26. Chapter 26

There I stood; twelve years old, five feet tall, and skinny as hell. I had yet to reach the major growth spurt I acquired in the eighth grade, and so I was still about the same height as everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Backpack pulled tightly on my back with my thumbs pulling it even tighter, I felt almost uncomfortable in the august heat. A pair of old jeans hung loosely on the ground, making me even hotter, as a brand new shirt was bundled under the backpack. The late-summer breeze blew through my messy hair. I straightened my glasses and attempted to shrug off the sudden, but not un-welcome, chill. Failing, I simply stared up at the sky. Past the green and white plated street sign, the sky was bright. White, puffy clouds moved slowly as the birds strung along behind them. I squinted my eyes a little, the sun becoming almost blinding. My dads had told me just before I left the house that middle school would be different. Not bad necessarily, just different. There would be kids that weren't nice, teachers that didn't care, and rules that were stricter.

A screeching sound pulled my head back down. Before me sat the big yellow bus. Its door pulled open with another harsh noise causing my lips to purse slightly. Still, I just stared up, unsettled, into the big vehicle. A grouchy and cross old woman sat behind the wheel. The scowl on her face locked onto my puny eyes.

"In or out, kid?" She barked; spit flying from her crooked teeth.

Intimidation.

I swallowed hard. "In..." I squeaked pathetically before taking the big step.

The door immediately shut behind me, and she had already stepped on the gas again before I had the chance to take a seat. The sudden jerk of the wheels made me stumble forward. I scrambled to catch myself, but feet slipped too much causing me to tumble to the ground, face first.

Humiliation.

This pulled laughter from the other children's throats. A few were stifled, but others didn't hold back.

"Take your damn seat kid." The woman belted without even the regard to check if I was okay.

I jumbled to my feet, using the seats as support when I made my way back through the bus. Kids stared at me with looks of mockery and judgment. I wondered what exactly I had done to them. My eyes flicked across every face. Finding no comfort in even one, I turned to searching for an empty seat. By the time I made it to the back, I realized there were none. Turning back around, I awkwardly looked over the seats. Swaying slightly with the movements of the bus, I sought for at least a single seat. Then I spotted an empty seat all together. How had I missed it? Scurrying back I plopped down quickly with a relieved sigh. Then, a punch was layered straight onto my arm. My head turned quickly and my hand rose to grab the stinging spot. There I met a dark brown glare stabbing through me.

"You're on my fucking backpack you ass." The words flew violently from his mouth, cutting at me and enabling me from speaking back.

I glanced down slowly, and sure enough, a red bag was squished underneath me. I sat up a little, pulling it out from under me.

"Thorry..." I mumbled quietly, setting it in between us.

"What was that?" He spat back in a loud, but all together high, voice.

"Thorry!" I repeated louder. My voice came out feeble and shaky.

His look seemed disgusted at me; I wasn't entirely sure why. He shifted back, arms crossed and eyes staring into the back of the seat in front of us. I settled into the seat as well. Eventually, I gained the small amount of courage to speak up again.

"I'm Thollux."

"Good for you." He cut me off instantly with another harsh round of words shot from bared teeth.

The rest of the ride was silent. I was happy to get away from this short tempered kid. At almost a dash, I jumped up from the seat and quickly pushed past all the other kids. Out of the bus, I stared up at the large school. It was bigger than any building I had ever seen, and my fear only made it loom taller. I took my first few steps after kids began pushing me forward and pouring around me.

A few weeks passed, and nothing seemed to get better. I hadn't really made any friends. After moving when fifth grade ended, I didn't know anyone from elementary school. Other people did, and they didn't hide it. They would break off into their little groups and exclude everyone who didn't fit in or that they didn't know. I was put into both of those categories. Awkward, quiet, and lanky, I would spend my time alone no matter what we were doing. In class I would stay silent, doing my homework over in the corner. I either spent lunch by myself or in the library typing away on the computer. It didn't bother me too much. Only when I saw the other kids laughing and having fun did I feel a small pang of jealously. Still, I would merely seclude myself further. That was until a rumor began to spread. Except it wasn't a room; it was all together true.

It became apparent to me that people had some issue with my dads. Sure, I had two. But there was nothing wrong with that… Right?

Right. I didn't understand why they found it such a big deal. To me it was normal, but it became clear they had some issue with it. At first it was just a few passing words and snickers, but then more people found out. It wasn't even a secret. It wasn't anything to make such an uproar about. One day I found myself cowering against the lockers as two taller boys stood over me. Both in the eighth grade and both knew they could beat me up if they wanted.

"Don't you find it weird that you're the only kid around here without a mom?" One of them snickered, a menacing grin plastered across his face.

I shook my head a little. "No." I whispered back.

"Really? Because it seems pretty unnatural and screwed up to me." The other laughed.

"There'th nothing wrong with it." I replied with as much confidence as I could, but halfway through my voice cracked off.

"Scrawny Sollux Captor with his faggots for fathers."

"You can't thay that!" I shouted, a glare forming. My collar was grabbed, ripping me up from the floor and pushing me further against the lockers. Now at eye level, he traveled closer to my face.

"They're faggots, and they're going to hell."

"No they won't." I said while struggling to get free.

"They will, and you'll go there too just for loving them."

"I won't!" I shouted with a pathetic punch going forward into his stomach.

He laughed, dropping my collar only to let me fall into his knee as it slammed against my stomach and his fist contacting a few times with my face. I slumped down to the ground as they both spat at me.

"Worthless shit." One of them cursed before they both strolled off emitting a round of mocking laughter.

After sitting there for a moment, blood trailing down from my swollen lip and a hand wrapped around my bruised stomach, a foot nudged my own. I looked up, glasses settling back on my nose. The short, chocolate haired kid stared back down at me. Hand extended, a tissue dangled in my face.

"Wipe the blood off your face. It's sickening."

"Thankth." I replied, taking the tissue and carefully dabbing my lip.

"Oh god," He groaned with a visible grimace. "It's lispy. And to think I almost forgot about your graceful appearance the first day of school."

I raised a brow, and suddenly I noticed this was the same kid. The same one on whose backpack I sat down on, the same one that had silenced me with just a few words, the same one that seemed to scare me more than all the other kids.

"It'th Thollux. Not lithpy." I shot back. He looked almost surprised at my sudden response, but he just brushed it off.

"Whatever." He glanced off in the direction the two had left, and then back to me. "Don't pay attention to those guys. They're fucking assholes."

I still hadn't gotten to use to this kids constant cussing. Even I didn't do it that bad at our age. My dads didn't like it and I was only punished if I did it too much. Still, I paid no heed to it.

"Thtill, they're puncheth hurt like hell." I replied, wiping my lip again and delicately touching the already bruising skin around my eye.

He was silent for some time, his eyes wandering around the hallway. "I'm Karkat." He finally said, never bringing back eye contact.

"Nithe to meet you Kar."

This brought his stare- no, glare, back to me.

"Don't call me that."

"What doeth your mommy call you that?" I teased, suddenly feeling the entire bit better. A subtle pink tint rose to his cheeks, and he was silent. "Aw, ithn't that adorable. I bet your mommy hath a bunch of nicknameth for you."

"At least I fucking have a mom." He hissed; silencing me immediately. This time I could actually give a glare of my own. It wasn't half as daunting as his, but it was still there.

"Don't go there." I said sternly.

He muttered a quiet apology to which I happily accepted. He then moved to help me up as I still clutched my side.

"Why don't you come home with me? I'll let my mom help you out. She's got a little medical training, and she's got a bunch of stuff that could help your lip heal."

"Alright…" I replied slowly. "Just let me call my dad."

After pulling my phone out and taking a few moments to explain a few things, I followed Karkat out to his mom's van. We piled in, and she drove us back to his house.

That was the first real time I had had a conversation with a one Karkat Vantas. It was definitely an interesting experience, and little did I know, it would have the biggest impact on my life. After that one afternoon, we quickly became inseparable. Attached to each other by video games and the basic loathing of everyone else in our school, Karkat became my best friend. We would spend almost every weekend together doing god knows what. Soon enough, we talked all the time. It was just me and him against the rest of our school. We didn't care that we secluded ourselves. We were perfectly fine just talking to each other. It seemed we were the only ones that truly understood one another. As sappy and cliché as it may be, he was the only friend I needed. Sure, I never imagined my childhood, and teenage, friendship would become so much more. I never once thought when I was that age that one day I would be yearning to kiss his foul mouth or hug him for more than a friendly gesture. And so, I was left spending every moment of my life building up this friendship. His name echoed in my head. It rang through the darkness and brought me back whenever I fell too far.

_Karkat._

He was all I could think about anymore.

_Karkat._

He was all I wanted to think about anymore.

_Karkat._

He was all I needed anymore.

"Karkat…"

The hoarse whisper cracked through my throat. Light poured into my parted eyes that were in thin slits.

"Karkat-" I uttered again as a gasp of air filled my lungs. I tried to shift, but pain racked through my body; especially my arm. I glanced down to find a sling holding it up. Bruised and cut immensely, I stared down at it. With a drawn out sigh, my attention was soon pulled to a small grasp on my other hand. I slowly turned my head the other way against a white pillow. This arm was cut up, but it had quite a few less bruises. Trailing my eyes down it, I noticed a small hand grabbing my own. Weary vision followed it to the sweat shirt covered arm and then back down to that mess of chocolate brown hair. His fingers were clumsily intertwined with mine, but I pulled my hand away and used to the comb weakly through his hair. Even with this slightest movement, he began to stir. Head rose and tired eyes peaked open. My hand rested on his cheek before he finally woke up fully. Eyes widened and he let out a small gasp.

"Sollux…" He whispered, and I smiled as much as I could.

"Mornin' Kar."

Without thinking, he stood and leaned over me. Arms wound around neck, and he buried his head into my shoulder. "I told you not to call me that."

"And since when have I listened to you?"

He chuckled softly, but didn't let go for some time. We stayed, in what I soon found out was a hospital bed, for a few hours. IVs stuck in my arms and bandages covering my arms. When I was finally able to stand without my legs shaking, they let me go. My concussion had faded and the cuts would heal with time. Karkat seemed almost eager to get me out. He handed me a new jacket and scarf before putting on his own and pulling at my hand. He rushed me outside.

As the glass doors of the hospital entrance opened, I was met with an expanse of white. It would seem the cold snap returned, setting the rain into sheets of ice and a storm of white. Flakes of snow drifted through the air, fluttering in the breeze. The sun was bright in the grey sky, and it shown against the snow with an almost blinding light. A mitten covered hand pulled lightly at my own.

"Can you walk home?" He asked, peering up at me.

I nodded lightly when he began to walk forward. My legs were a little weak at first, but they quickly recovered and moved without too much pain. My left arm had been drawn up into that sling that tied around my neck. It wasn't broken, but there was a minor fracture and too many bruises to count. My other arm was now being occupied my Karkat's. Last night had truly brought us back together. Whether it was from the storm or the initial fear of the wreck, all his affection had retuned. I was overjoyed from the fact that I could feel his warmth against me. Bundled up in the jacket and scarf, he snuggled up to my side as we walked.

"I was really scared." He whispered after a moment. "When I got your text… I didn't really know what to do. When the rain gave up a little, John drove us around looking for you. That's when we found your truck. And you-" His grip on my arm tightened.

"I know." I replied calmly. "You probably felt the same I did that night when I found you not breathing."

He nodded. "I did. It was terrible."

"It's okay now thought."

Another nod. "I'm glad you're alright."

"Thank you for saving me. I may not have made it if you didn't."

He remained silent for a little while before letting his head rest against my arm as we walked. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, glancing down.

"Everything that I made you go through. Being, you know, so stubborn. Not accepting your apology and all that shit."

I stopped walking and turned to face him. "It's really fine Karkat."

"But-"

"No buts." I said quickly.

"Sollux, I nmph-"

With my one good hand on his cheek, I shut him with my lips capturing his. He hardly wasted any time before sliding his arms around my neck and pulling me in deeper. The snow fell around us, and I could feel it on my skin. It was refreshing and only countered by the warmth pressed up against me. And so I didn't pull away for quite some time. Our lips barely parted when we were both in need of a breath. After that, Karkat gave a final kiss on the cheek before falling back at my side as we continued our walk home. Rosy cheeks and cautious giggles; those were the things I kept close, knowing I could make him do it. It was something reserved for the ones he let close. So far, it would seem I was the only one to make it so far. No one else would hear or see such things without him trying to hide it.

Once again, I was content. My emotions were set on high, but in the best ways possible. In a matter of years, that short, angry child grew up and became one of the most important people to me. He single handedly was able to rip my life apart with shouting and a short temper, only to piece it back together with his warming care and endless affection.

With locked arms again, I laced my fingers through his and I could see him smile brightly. It was a smile I'd remembered forever. No matter how shy and hidden it was, I knew I could bring it out of him. I knew he would always be right beside me. In a sense, he would always be. Mine.


	27. Chapter 27

**No, no sillies! That was not the end! I don't even know when this is going to end, but definitely not yet!**

**Anyway, beware, nerdy pick-up line alert. I love it so much. Seriously. My Bio II teacher told it to us. It's pretty bad. But hilarious.**

* * *

><p>After a few days, I was able to move my arm a little more; the swelling had notably gone down. Cuts began to heal and slowly my muscles regained full strength. That Friday afternoon, it had begun snowing lightly, so Karkat and I decided we'd take a nice little walk. We strolled leisurely down the street, arms intertwined and fingers laced. Being wary of my healing arm, Karkat stayed mostly on my right. We had fallen back into the routine of carefree affection and smitten banter. It usually resulted with me laughing and a wild blush across his face. I could tell he still hadn't grown accustom to my obvious acts of flirting to which he rejected out of embarrassment, but I could tell he never truly meant to push it way.<p>

"Oh wait- wait. I got one." A small chuckle broke my speech as I prepared myself. "Hey Karkat, I wish I was DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes. Get it, genes, jeans. They sound the same." More laughter snorted out of my nose as I watched his face grow red.

"God, you're such a loser. I don't even understand your stupid, geeky pick-up lines." He grumbled, but I simply laughed more at his furious blushing.

"Whatever. I know you like it when I flirt."

He snorted. "You can't call whatever you are doing flirting."

"Oh it is, and it works so well." I replied, jokingly.

He let a small chuckle pass as well as he simply shook his head. Our stream of giddy laughter was cut off by another voice directly in front of us.

"Well, well. Look who it is." The voice was low, holding an already clear snicker.

We both glanced up to find a guy about our age, maybe a little older, standing with his hands in his pockets. A large build and a stubble in immense need of a shaving.

I simply raised a brow, not really knowing who this was. He seemed to take note and spoke up again.

"What? Don't recognize me Captor? You sure haven't changed. Lanky, awkward, and lisping Sollux- I mean, Thollux Captor." He sneered, but I only frowned. God did I hate it when people brought up my lisp, but how did he know? Who was this guy? "Oh come now, you surely remember your good old friend Steven."

That triggered it.

This guy. Steven Adams was a true asshole. He was one of the kids I remembered the most from school; and it was in no good memory at all. I had seen him that first day of middle school on the bus. He had been the one to spit at and punch my face. I loather him all during middle school and even throughout high school.

"Well I assure you," I began, clearly annunciating my words just for him. "Though I may be skinny as hell, that damn lisp is gone for good. It has been for years."

"Ah yes, I remember it clearly now. Junior year wasn't it? Too bad, we had fun mocking you for it."

"Oh, how I loved that so much. Thank you for all the years of that." I remarked rather sarcastically with the rolling of my scornful eyes.

"Hey, it's not our fault it was so funny, and besides, there wasn't anyone to stop us really, was there? Well beside that little prick. Your only friend was that pathetic little excuse for a person." He laughed. "What was it? Ka- kar? Ah fuck, I don't know. I wonder where the little nuisance is now… Probably no where important."

How stupid was he?

"I'm right fucking here you dumbass." Karkat snapped, but surprisingly he was still right beside me, linking through my arms and continuing to hold my hand.

Steven's gaze lowered before returning from slight confusion back to that shit eating grin.

"Well hey Vantas! Didn't even see you there. Still haven't gone through that growth spurt yet I see."

"Fuck you." He growled, glare increasing greatly.

Brushing it off, he gave us another eying up and down. To this he only smirked more.

"My, my. Don't you two seem close?"

I could feel Karkat's muscles tense against me.

"I mean, hell, I know it's college, but looks like you two have gone full out old married couple. Holding hands on your walk through the snow. Ho-ow adorable."

"Shut it." I cut back at him without a moment of hesitation.

"Gained a little confidence Captor?" He seemed almost… entertained by us now.

"Glad to see you grew a pair. Well, even if they're used for god knows what."

My eyes narrowed a little. "Want to keep going with this, or can you please spare us the torment of listening to your jaw flap about what we may or may not do?"

I knew Karkat had turned to look at me now, but I kept my eyes locked on the idiot in front of me.

"Jesus, you'd think I just insulted your mother or something." He blinked, grin returning immediately. "Oh wait, I almost forgot-"

"Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear it." My hand clenched, but Karkat only squeezed mine back harder. It relieved a little of my growing anger, but not enough. I dropped his hand completely, stepping to the side a little.

"Karkat, if you would excuse us for a moment."

He nodded, but not without reluctance, before turning and walking off a ways. I glanced back until he was far enough away. Then, I turned, eyes flashing with anger and my good hand now balled into a fist.

"Okay look Steven. I have gone past that fucking hell hole of a high school. I've moved past you and, and Higgins, and Jones, and all the other egotistical asses that find it so-o hilarious to put others like me down. Move on for god's sake. And stop dwelling on the littlest things for your amusement. So what if I have two fucking dads? So what if may or may not have feelings for a guy? He's the best damn friend anyone could ever have, and I'm sure I'm a hell of a lot happier than you."

His eyes flared wide for a moment, but then he just groaned.

"Whatever, I'm rolling in bitches. While you're off being a fruity little fag, I'm getting me some hot ass. I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. You're just like those dads of yours-"

Fist rose, slamming clear into his chin. Afterwards, I hid the rush of pain in my hand, but still tried to shake it off.

"Sh- shit." He hissed, holding his face. "Fuck man, that hurt like hell."

"What you deserve. You have a hatred of gays apparently. There's no reasoning behind it, and thus, I punch you."

He glared up at me, still rubbing his jaw.

"I hate it, because its unnatural. No idea why you freaks think it's fucking peachy."

I simply shrugged, blowing off the rest of my anger.

"Whatever. I'm out of here. Have fun going to hell.

"I will." I retorted."

"Please excuse me while I go be normal and listen to my favorite DJ. I've heard he plays around here, and plus, I'll get the chance to picks up some more chicks.

I ignored the latter, by my eyebrows shot up at the first comment. A curious grin shot across my face.

"Hey, might I ask who the _favorite DJ_ might be?"

"Why?"

"Just curious."

"You wouldn't know him."

"Does it matter?"

"He's too cool for your lame ass."

"Just fucking tell me."

He paused, giving me a skeptical look.

"Dave Strider."

My grin had to grow tenfold. Failing to a light smirk, I laughed.

"Right. Tell him I said hi."

A brow perched. "What- How does he know you?"

"How does he_ not_ know me?"

More confusion.

"I don't understand."

"Figures." I laughed again. "Well let's just say your favored Dave Strider is about as fruity as a damn pop tart."

"Impossible." He still didn't seem to understand. He just stared at me with a perplexed expression. I stepped closer, snigger growing and a cynical tone leaking out.

"We. Fucked."

His eyes seemed to widen a little as a look of disgust washed over his face. "You're such a liar."

"Better than being an idiot." I breathed as I moved back. Content and sneering happily, I turned on my heels and returned to Karkat's side.

"What'd you say to leave that expression on his face?" He asked me quietly.

"Doesn't matter." I told him, my arm reaching around and draping over his shoulder.

"Hmm, alright." He gladly stayed under my arm as we returned home.

Night approached and I became bored as ever. Karkat had night classes, thus I was alone and had nothing to do. Steven's words came back to me, and I thought about Dave. I had never actually gone to hear him and his "sick beats" as he called them.

It was decided. I would go have a little fun.

I jumped up from my previous position on the couch and pulled out my phone. I had removed the sling from my arm. I was thoroughly surprised that these few days allowed my arm to be able to move this much, but it was never really that bad in the first place. Sending a quick text to Karkat I grabbed my jacket and headed out. After stopping for a quick bit to eat, I then set off for the club.

It wasn't too early when I got there. The night crowd had just set in, and people were lining up at the door. I managed to slither past a large group of woo-hoo-ing girls and their stoic partners standing not too far behind. Typical night crowd. I just couldn't wait to see till they were drunk off their asses and giggling incoherent sentences.

I didn't really get that drunk anymore. Sure, a little buzzed maybe, but never full out, puking in the can drunk. I knew it bothered Karkat when I did that, so I made sure to stop before it ever got too bad. Still, I enjoyed going to bars every now and then to kick a few back and watch all the other drunken fools make some of the biggest mistakes of their lives. Because of my lessened drinking, it seemed I had found quite a few less girls, and a guy slipped in occasionally, attached to my neck and sitting in my lap. It was a little relieving, but at the same time I missed the small thrill of it all-

No, I couldn't think that way anymore. I had to maintain _not_ fucking this- thing yet. I had just made the whole Karkat situation better; I was not going to let one drunken night ruin everything again.

And so I sat glass in hand with the ice clinking around lazily. My eyes were unfocused on anything particular and my ears had drowned out everything almost completely. That was until the microphone on stage buzzed a little before a tapping sound hit against it. I centered my vision again, eyes razing to the stage on the other side of the large room. Between it and me there was a large sea of people waiting anxiously for the music to start back.

"How y'all doin' tonight?" That familiar voice shouted over the microphone, southern drawl coming out even stronger as the sound was amplified.

I chuckled lightly as all the others shouted wildly. I knew he was smirking even if I couldn't see it clearly.

"Great. Let's get this started then!" He called out before flipping a record over and cranking up every dial they had up there.

With that, I turned back around and tapped my glass against the bar. With another full glass in hand, I plopped down on a stool and sipped it carelessly. Letting my mind wander, I simply drank and let the music occupy my ears. The occasional person would stride up beside me, order a drink, then leave, but other than that, nothing really happened.

I wasn't really sure how long it had been before I glanced up to find Steven down at the end of the bar. A small frown flicked on my lips, but then I saw just who he was talking to. Shades and the indifferent posture of a cultured Dave Strider stared him down as he lounged up against the bar. A small group of giddy girls and a few guys had huddled around him. It made me laugh a little out of pity.

He had once told me how much he hated the crowds. Yeah, he enjoyed the people and knowing that they liked his music, but the ones that swarmed him really ticked him off.

I scooted down a few seats, trying to stay out of his sight and to listen in on the conversation. What I heard only intrigued me more. Steven's voice came into play, mid-sentence.

"-yeah I know right? Pretty chill. But anyway, yeah, this guy had it all wrong. He was up and telling me all this shit about you. I bet he doesn't even know who you are. Probably not cool enough."

I could see the small twitch of a sneer. He was trying so hard not to tell them all to fuck off. I grinned into my glass before looking back.

"Oh really? And what did this _guy_ say about me?" Dave asked, close to feigning interest.

Steven snorted even before he spoke. "Well, he said that you're gat. Fucking insane right?"

I set my glass down, standing from the stool and already moving towards them.

Oh this was going to be fun.

"Well actually-" Dave began calmly, but I cut him off by pushing through the small cluster. Leaning up next to him and hanging my arm around his shoulder, I pulled his head close to mine.

"_Just play along Strider. I have my reasons._" I whispered, and he smirked lightly as I pulled back.

Steven was already staring me down with that look of confusion and slight anger.

"What the fuck are you doing here Captor?" He growled at me, obviously mad I interrupted his conversation with Dave. No matter. I was enjoying this.

"Oh, I told you, didn't I?" My hand patted Dave's chest lightly as my grin grew more. "I know Mr. Strider here pretty well."

"Mr. Strider?" Dave spoke up. "Since when are we so formal?" He turned his head, eyes cutting over his shades with a mischievous glint. The crowd around us had dissipated a little, but not much.

"Hold the phone. You don't really know this fucking loser do you Dave?"

Shades pushed back up, he turned his head again. "Dave? Now when did we get on a first name basis?"

This seemed to anger him even more, especially when a stifled laugh fell from my throat.

"But- you're not really gay… Are you?"

Dave shrugged. "So what if I am? You got a problem with that."

"I don't believe you."

This time, a sigh escaped.

"You were always the thick headed one Adams." I commented austerely.

"You're just punking me or somethin' aren't you?"

"Even if we were," Dave began, waving a flippant hand. "Doesn't mean it isn't true. Fuck man. You really are dense."

"And to think I liked your beats."

"My sexual preference has nothing to do with my music. I can see you're just another one of those hypercritical, narcissistic assholes." His head tipped back to glance at me. "Am I right?"

"Hit the nail on the head." I replied smoothly.

"Both of you are disgusting." Steven spat before turning away to leave.

"Oh hey!" I called after him, and he turned half way around. Catching his eyes, I then turned my head to Dave and pulled his lips into mine for a round of repeated kisses. They meant nothing; just a few alcohol laden moments in order to force our dear friend Steven to flip the fuck out and gag from disgust. Looking back to his mortified face only made us plunge into a fit of hard laughter. After a good high five, our heads were buried in arms with laughter streaming out. We caught our breath when the laughing stopped, and we sat against the bar, heads tilted to the ceiling.

"That was a good one." He joked while breaking the comfortable silence.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"You alright? John told me what happened."

I merely continued to nod. "Just fine. Karkat's stopped being a pissy bitch about everything and my arm's almost healed, so yeah, everything's great. Really great."

A small punch to my arm came as he pushed off the bar. "Well good for you. But listen, I got to get back up there now. This was fun. See ya later?"

"Of course." I met his extended hand with my own and gave him a firm pat on the back before waving goodbye.

Paying my tab, I exited the bar and passed the still, well-formed line outside. I walked through the freezing air, coughing a little, as I made my way home. I was glad to be greeted by a warm apartment. Unlocking the door, I came in. I removed my jacket before kicking my shoes to the living room carpet and moving into the bedroom. Across the hall, the bathroom door was shut. The bedroom was empty, so I took advantage of the situation to remove my pants and slip into a more comfortable t-shirt. I then slumped down onto my bed. Sitting up against the wall, my eyes closed gradually even as I heard the toilet flush. The shuffling of feet entered the room. They stopped right in front of my bed, and I opened my eyes. Karkat stood right up against my bed, staring at me. I looked down him to find him wearing one of my old sweatshirts that was entirely too big. It barely passed his thighs and stopped right before bare knees. It looked as if it could swallow him whole. Hair tousled lightly, he rubbed one eye. Sometimes I wondered how he was almost twenty but still held the height of a fifteen year old girl. I couldn't really complain though. He was pretty fucking adorable.

"You do realize that's mine?" I said, trying to keep a steady tone and hiding the heat rising to my cheeks.

"I was cold." He grumbled back tiredly.

"You should put some pants on then."

He groaned lightly. "Fuck pants." He then climbed up on my bed and plopped himself right down on my lap. Knees on either side, he straddled my hips indolently.

I muttered a little, but I was not at all displeased. Even as more protests fluttered from my mouth, hands wound around his waist and pulled him down. He wasted no time in losing his hands in my hair or pressing our lips together. After a few more broken and reconnected kisses, he broke away completely.

"What's all this about?" I asked, breaths heaving a little.

"What time is it?" I was a little confused, but I looked at his arm clock across the room nonetheless.

"One thirty. Why?"

He smiled with his flushed cheeks, giving me one more soft peck before answering. "Happy Valentine's Day fuckass."

A small smile came to my face and I chuckled idly. "Happy Valentine's Day Kar."

I smiled, but- fuck. I had completely forgotten.


	28. Chapter 28

**Happy Valentine's Day everyone! :D Now then, I have a question for you all. A couple of you have asked me on my tumblr (*cough* thebuzzingofabee(dot)tumblr(dot)com *cough* lol) whether or not I'll include any sex in this story. Now, I have kind of danced around the subject, questioning whether or not I should do it. So what do you guys think? Just let me know in the reviews/comments/whatever if you guys would actually like a little smut in the next chapter… So… yeah… ._. enjoy the gooeyness that is this chapter.**

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><p>I awoke the next morning with bare legs sliding against my own. It took me a minute to remember my previous collapse from exhaustion after engaging in a drawn out cuddle fest with Karkat. My eyes peaked open, arms shifting. I felt one trapped under some sort of warmth, and the other was wrapped around the top of it. Lazily, I looked down. A fluff of chocolate hair met my face, soft breath pulsing against my neck. The warmth that enveloped my arms soon registered in my mind as Karkat. I wasn't quite sure when exactly he had curled up against me, but the smile on my face spoke force itself in saying that I didn't care at all. My hand moved, stopping to twiddle and twirl my fingers through his hair. After a momentary lapse of silence and gleaming sunlight, he stirred a little. A few incoherent grumbles leaked from his throat as his head tipped up. Eyes opened slowly. They lightened as soon as his pupils dilated and he focused on my face.<p>

"Morning, princess." I said with only a slightly snarky tone.

He mumbled some harsh insult, but all I caught was the word _ass_ at the end.

"Just couldn't keep away from me, could you?"

"What are you talking about?" He drawled, now rubbing his face.

"You being in my bed smart one."

Just then, his eyes flicked open completely and cheeks flushed red.

"Well, I- uh,"

A small peck to his lips shut him up rather quickly.

"Calm down." I breathed during a short chuckle. "It's not like I care."

Another moment of comfortable silence passed before he moved and sat up. Sweat shirt slipping off one of his shoulders, he let out a small, almost childish yawn. Before I had time to pull him back down, he was standing and walking off on bare feet.

"I'm showering." He said, scratching the back of his head.

"Hey Kar!" I called after him as I propped myself up on my elbow. He turned around. "Can I join ya?" I teased with a sly wink and a grin.

Immediate blush. For that, I was met with a shrill 'fuck you' and a middle finger being forcefully shot at me. I merely chuckled to myself and watched him leave for the bathroom. Hearing the door shut, I slid out of bed and threw on some fresh clothes. Running a hand through my hair I decided that would suffice for now and I could shower later. I wrote a quick note and left it on the table.

_Running some errands. Be back later._ _–Sollux_

With that done, I grabbed my jacket and keys and left the apartment. I was already in a nearby drugstore when my mind clicked back into focus. Before me were shelves of cards each ornamented with their own shades of red, pink, and purple. Hearts placed everywhere they could and glitter splattered on every inch of the small paper. Each was filled with some sort of corny phrase or gooey message of already rehearsed words. Yet, even from the extreme selection, I couldn't find one that fitted. I was a little surprised to even be doing this. I was never much of the romantic, and this holiday seemed downright idiotic to me. But that didn't stop me. I knew that the one person in the world who would appreciate a stupid card and an overly priced flower that you could easily find in someone's yard was Karkat. And so, I had to do this. I had to suffer through the torment of this holiday before I left him with empty hopes and a somber mood for the next few weeks. My mind changed quickly however. I soon grabbed a card that was completely blank inside save the small heart in the top corner. Fuck, I felt like a girl doing this. Either way, I moved to the counter, but not without grabbing a small box of way too expensive chocolate and a fucking rose from a glass case. He better be over joyed from this. I was spending way too much money on this.

_It's all for Karkat._

I told myself over and over again before I threw it all down and stormed out. I sure was tired of all the crowds. People buying last minute gifts because they had forgotten this damn holiday. Idiots. But hey, I was one of those idiots.

I quickly paid for the items after the lady behind the register made some comment about how lucky my lady must be. _Ha._ I let it slide with a small smile, a nod, and a half-hearted 'thank you'. I still had the feeling that I wanted to get home as soon as possible. And so I did. I climbed back in my truck and drove straight home making no stops. Upon arrival, I entered the apartment to find the bathroom door still shut. Steam poured out from under then door. As I crossed into the kitchen, the door opened and he stepped out. Towel wrapped around his waist, I let out a teasing whistle.

"Lookin' good Karkat."

"Fuck off Captor." He yelled back before slamming the door to our bedroom.

I laughed, moving over to the table and sitting down. From the bag now sitting across the table from me I pulled the card out. I opened it and stared down at the blank paper. Pencil readied, my hand hovered over it. I hesitated to start writing, but I thought now would be a perfect time to become the sappy and vulnerable guy that usually only came out when I was drunk or really pissed off. Since neither of these was going to happen any time soon, _I hoped, _than I would have to force it out. Lead made contact to paper, and the words began to fly out. It went smoother than I thought. Once I had begun, they fell effortlessly. Coming straight from my heart, to my brain, then out through my hand. It took quite some time to finish. I had to pause every now and then to make sure I worded things correctly and actually got what I wanted out of it. With that done, I closed the car back, stuck it in the red envelope, and sealed it with a lick. I shoved it back in the bag and quickly moved to hide it in an empty cabinet. Just in time too, for right then, Karkat stepped back out of our room. Wet hair stuck up in different directions, but he was finally back in his jeans and his own, right fully sized shirt. I walked over, arms already moving to wrap around him. Once in place, I began to twist lightly from side to side.

"What're you doing tonight?" I asked leaned over, chin on top of his head.

"It's fucking Valentine's Day. What do you think I'm doing?" His tone came out a little harsh, but never actually angry.

"Probably going on a date with some hot babe."

"Nah, just a skinny as fuck loser." He snorted, arms rising to wind around me.

I pulled back, grinning down at him. "Who ever said I was taking you on a date?"

"You better be." He replied with a rather blank expression. "Or I'll dump your ass."

"So be it." I said, giving a nonchalant shrug. "Given I never asked you out in the first place. Can't dump something you don't have."

Sudden realization of my words washed a pink glow over his cheeks. "You're an ass."

I laughed and pulled out of his grasp, practically skipping down the hall. "Yeah. You too babe."

Just before he could rebut, I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door. I heard a small sigh as he passed back into the bedroom. I wiped the condensation away from the fogged mirror and actually smiled at my reflection. I didn't have any bag under my eyes anymore. They didn't look as tired any more, and the lines from constantly frowning had faded to normal creases from smiles instead. A short shower followed my brief stoic position. Once I was fully clean and primped, I excited the bathroom and headed across the hall. Karkat had made his way into the living room now. He was watching some shitty movie, so I shut the door and dropped my towel. I quickly found a pair of black boxers with yellow stripes. Fuck yeah. Then came a simple pair of jeans and a long sleeved navy shirt. Running a towel through my hair was enough to dry it almost completely. I slung my bag over my shoulder and went to retrieve my shoes. Pulling one on, Karkat glanced up at me with a puzzled expression.

"You have class?" He asked, turning the volume on the t.v. down a little.

I nodded, finding the other shoe. "Yeah."

"It's Saturday."

"Have to make up for the day I was out because of my arm. Time to take a test." I added a little grouchily.

He hopped up from his seat, rushing up behind me as I had already made it to the door. Pulling me back around by my shoulder, he placed a small kiss on my cheek.

"Good luck." He whispered before smiling and taking his place back on the couch.

I stepped out the door before shutting it behind me and leaning up against it. My hand rose to my cheek to lightly brush the place he kissed. Even if he had done it so many times before, now that it was such a normal thing, it became almost abnormal.

It was so great.

Pushing off, I walked down to my truck and off to class. It was boring as ever, and it didn't help that I couldn't pay the least bit attention. I had already decided where I'd take Karkat tonight. Now my mind was focused on having night come quickly so I could get home and to the important stuff. It took a few hours for me to actually finish the test. Yes, I zoned out every now and then, but I mostly tried to finish it the best I could. By the time I had finished, grabbed lunch, and made it back home it was already four. Coming back into my apartment, Karkat was in the same spot just with a different movie.

"Hey Karkat," I began, dropping my bag to the floor. "Get ready."

"For what?"

"Have you completely forgotten our conversation this morning?"

"Yeah." He replied bluntly.

I sighed, shaking my head lightly. "I'm taking you out tonight, so look nice." I began to walk away, but then turned back around. "Really nice." I added before heading back into our room.

I was actually going try and look presentable tonight. And so, I spent more time than I wanted on my hair. Trying to tame the wild mess that it was, I managed to get most of it to stay in the right spot. It still spiked up in either side of my head and awkwardly in the back, but it still looked better than when I didn't try. Next came the clothes. I tossed my shirt aside and rummaged through my closet. There I found a nice black polo to which I tore from the hanger and slipped on. Buttoning it up, I kicked off my shoes. Pants on the ground, I replaced them with a dressier pair. I acquired a red tie after a little more searching and skillfully tied it around my neck. With a final glance down at myself, I smiled and opened the door back. It had only taken about thirty minutes, so there Karkat sat in the same spot. It took his a moment to register my presence, but once he did, he couldn't stop staring.

"You really do mean nice." He said quietly, eyes flicking up and down.

"You like this?" I asked with a light smirk.

"Can't say I don't." He replied, grinning. He then hopped up and began walking past me. "Well, guess I should get ready too."

I nodded even if he was gone and took my time to wander about before sitting on the couch. Not feeling like finding the remote, I just watched whatever Karkat had left on. A sappy movie as usual. After what seemed like an eternity later, I heard the bedroom door open. I glanced up to find Karkat walking down the hall. He stopped a few feet away, eyes locked on the floor. I stood up and-

God, he looked so handsome.

With his white shirt and black vest and tie, I couldn't break my eyes away. His foot twisted on the ground, anxiously waiting.

"Well…?" He spoke after another moment.

"Well what?" I exhaled, still staring at him.

He looked up, but meeting my eyes, immediately looked away again.

"How do I look?" He muttered through his teeth that were biting his lip.

I stepped forward, hand cupping his cheek and bringing his face to look at me.

"Amazing." I whispered before locking our lips together.

His muscles went completely limp until a pushed me back.

"We should get going."

I nodded, hand slipping from his face only to be caught by his own. I glanced down to them, but just smiled and flicked the t.v. off. I walked towards the door. Opening it, he walked out before I did, and I shut it behind us.

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><p>Later that night I found myself sitting in a dimly lit room. My mind hand been racing with my heart- hell knows why. I couldn't possibly be nervous. Not about something as girly as fucking butterflies in my stomach. A candle flicked between us as Karkat gazed at me with those wide eyes.<p>

"Here," I started, reaching down. "I have some things for you."

I lifted the small box and rose out of the bag, holding them across the table.

"Happy Valentine's Day, er- whatever." It came out as an almost mumble as I tried to keep my nerves at bay.

He took them from my hands with a small smile.

"Thanks." He said quietly, setting them on the table.

"And, uh, this." I continued, handing him the card.

With the sound of the envelope tearing, my gaze fell to my folded hands in my lap. He opened the card as I waited patiently. I began to replay what I wrote in my head. It only made them time I waited more agonizing.

_Dear Karkat,_

_Well, this is going to be awful. You know how shitty I am at this whole feelings thing. Shit, what am I supposed to say? Alright, so I'm just going to come out and say how many stupid feelings I have right now. And all of them are tied up in this one knot that has settled itself in the pit of my stomach. And your name is written all over them. You ass. Making me become this frazzled idiot that doesn't know what to do every time you just fucking smile. Every time you laugh, I can't breathe. It hurts, but at the same time it's the best feeling in the world. Is it bad that if I could spend every moment of my life right beside you, I'd do it in a heartbeat? It can't be wrong. It feels too right. All this feels way too right. Okay, I'm rambling now. God, this is harder than I thought. Fuck man. You just mean a whole lot to me. You always have. No matter what kind of shitty thing I do, just don't forget how important you are to me. You're my best friend, and I care about you more than anyone. So, Happy Valentine's Day Kar._

After a moment, I glanced back up to find Karkat staring at me with the softest smile.

"You don't know how much this means to me." He said quietly, setting the card down on the table. "I know that must've been hard to write."

I reached across the table to grab his hand and rub my thumb against the back of it. "It's worth it if it makes you smile like that."

When did become so sappy? This holiday was going to be the end of me. But all those thoughts disappeared when he blushed so carelessly. He didn't care if I saw anymore. In fact, at this moment I think he almost wanted me to know how much he enjoyed this.

Our food came shortly and we ate making silly conversation and laughing we were childhood crushes. When we were done, I paid our check and we walked out. I held his hand as his other was occupied by the rose.

"Thank you." He spoke, head resting against my arm.

"There's nothing to apologize for. I do it because I care about you."

He squeezed my hand a little and I glanced down to find him smiling again.

"I do too."

The night was quiet, and even though the air was chilly, I couldn't shake this warm feeling that was around me. It was so comforting and I loved _it_. I think, just maybe, I loved _him_. Did that really just happen? It was such a big thought that it freaked me out a little, but I wouldn't dare run from it. I wanted to tell him not hide it from him. Love. It was something that had felt so far away recently. Something I didn't dare say to someone. I may have had flings here and there, but I was still a little reserved when it came to love. But now, it was right beside me. Fingers casually but carefully tied up in mine. Happiness washed over me and all other thoughts fell to the back of my mind.

Maybe this holiday wasn't so bad after all.


	29. Chapter 29

**Oh goodnesss. Alright so I got mixed reviews on the whole smut/no smut thing. Well, I did it. Kind of. It's not very good and it is oh-so vague. Like seriously I can't write this stuff so yeah there is very little detail :U. Anyway, if this isn't for you, you can probably just skip over most of this chapter but um, without giving anything away, I would like to say that something big happens before the smut and during the middle of it… so don't miss that even if you don't want to read the rest. Alright… yeah. I'm going to go hide in a corner while people read this… Bye ._.**

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><p>We finished our walk home and made it back up to the dark apartment. I was in our room shutting my laptop down when Karkat emerged from the bathroom. Vest gone, he walked up to me.<p>

"Hey Sollux, mind helping me getting this tie off?"

I turned with a nod. "Sure, come here."

He stepped closer, head tilting up. I loosened the tie, pulling it down at over his head. I brushed some ruffled hair back before kissing his forehead lightly.

"Hey Karkat," I said, arms wrapping around him.

His head tipped more to look at me. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"For what?" He asked with the smallest raise of his voice.

"For putting up with all my shit, and not going anywhere, and most importantly just being _you_"

A light blush ran across his cheeks.

"Of course. Anything for you."

"See, right there." I sighed, but it was in no way out of discontent. "You can't just say things like that."

His brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"You're too kind to me. After all I've put you through, you're still here. And you say things like that and it- it just makes me- fuck, how do I say this?"

I shook my head a little, hands now holding onto his shoulders.

"Sollux?"

I took a deep breath followed by a long exhale.

"Karkat... Fuck, would you- would you be my, eh, boyfriend?" My voice came out shakier than I thought it would, but I couldn't focus on any think but that blush and those big, brown eyes staring back at me. He smiled so soft, hands caressing my cheeks.

"Of course." He breathed before standing on his toes and kissing me lightly.

I was so over joyed. Arms fell down to his waist. He tangled fingers in my hair as I deepened the kiss. Eventually, he pulled back to catch his breath. I simply moved down. Kisses trailed along his jaw before I stopped at his neck. Fingers tightened their hold, pulling at the brown strands as my hand held his cheek and I began to nip at his neck and suck gently.

"Ah, Sollux-"

"Hmm?" I muttered, not taking them time to retract myself.

"I don't know if I'm ready for something like this."

I stopped for a moment, gaze rising back to his.

"I promise you. It will be perfect. I know what I'm doing."

I unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt before his hands took hold of mine.

"Sollux..."

I looked him in the eyes, not removing my hands.

"It's okay Karkat."

I continued, pulling my hands out from under his and unbuttoning a few more. With the final ones, my hands raised and slid into his shirt. My thumbs ran over his collar bone as I slid the shirt from his shoulders. He shivered a little, looking up at me with those wide eyes. The shirt fluttered to the ground, and I moved closer. His hands rose to push against my chest, but my arm was quick enough to catch him around his back. I pulled him in, his hands folding between us. His skin was warm as my fingers ran across his shoulder blades. Another kiss. My hands held his face as lips parted enough to where my tongue could pry them open. He let me in with a slight reluctance, but did none the less. I had become so accustom to fighting for the dominant role, I wasn't sure quite how to react with Karkat's completely submissive behavior. He kept his own tongue in the back of his mouth cautiously letting me do as I pleased. After a moment, I broke away with a wet sound to gaze at his terribly flustered but irresistible expression. I couldn't help but dive right back in, crashing lips together. I began to work on my own shirt, only losing contact to pull the tie over my head. Tentatively, his arms came up and over my shoulders. Hands in my hair, I slowly moved my own to his pants. With the first notion of it, he pulled away. Eyes flicked across my face almost frantically.

"It'll be fine Karkat."

"But-"

"Trust me." I laid a quick peck to his cheek. "You can do this. _We _can do this."

He stared at me for a moment before moving back against me. He brushed my hand away and undid his pants himself. I removed mine as well, and we both stepped out of them. We locked lips again as I led him backwards. Hitting my bed, we fell. He flopped onto his back, shaking ever so slightly. I followed, holding myself up by my knees and one hand beside his head. The other grazing down his side, it caught on his waist band and he grabbed it out of reaction.

"Karkat..." I said quietly. "It's okay. Just let me do this."

Slowly, he let go of my hands and flopped his own back onto the mattress. I gave him a small look before carefully slipping my thumbs under his waistband and removing his boxers. They slid down and he wiggled out of them. I glanced down and- heh, he was so small. I tried my best not to let out the small snicker that was bubbling in my throat. He still caught wind of my smirk and crossed one leg over the other.

"Don't fucking look at it like that." He mumbled, eyes averted and blush rising to new levels.

"Sorry." I said with a small, half smile. "You're just so damn adorable in every way possible."

"That's not a good thing." He protested.

"You're wrong," I replied as I leaned down again.

"God Sollux-"

I pressed my lips back against his, cutting him off. He shifted back to where his legs were uncrossed again. Followed by a tiny whine, my hand trailed up his bare thigh. He the shivered against me and sent a vibrating moan into my mouth. Hands slid into my hair and pulled every time I moved. He was almost shaking beneath me, and I couldn't help but have pity for him. I knew he was frightened. I could feel it in his muscles and hear it in his breath. He grabbed at my hair, pulling my head back. He gave me a soft kiss before wrapping his arms around my neck.

"Sollux wait... I need to tell you something."

I stopped moving and pulled back as he whispered in my ear. I looked across his flushed face before replying.

"What is it?"

"Before we go any further, I need you to know that I really do l-"

My hand moved without me thinking. It covered his mouth which made his eyes widen.

"Don't say it." I said while my hand slowly slipped away.

"Why?" He suddenly began to fidget. "I don't want this to happen if you don't feel the same. So if that's the case, just let me up."

My hand waved quickly, and I shook my head.

"No, no. That's not what I meant. Just... Let me say it first."

He stopped moving. "What?"

"I need to say it first. I know how you feel, but I need to tell you before I hear it. Please." My heart sped up now. I was going to do it. I was going to tell him.

He nodded lightly. "Alright."

I took a deep breath, glancing down. He was still extremely flushed, cheeks remaining a deep red. Lying completely exposed beneath me, he shivered a few times in the night air. Hair splayed out in every direction against the pillow as his dark eyes stayed wider than ever. I couldn't tell if it was out fear, or if his ryes just kept like that all the time now. Either way, I couldn't pull my gaze from them. The back if my hand brushed against his cheek which only caused him to shudder a little.

"God you're beautiful." I muttered through the lack of breath. "I don't care if you think that's girly or if you don't believe it, because you really are. You're so angry, and loud, and stubborn, and you yell way too much. But those things only make me adore you more. You can't help it, and the way you become embarrassed so easily or how flustered you get is just so adorable. You're adorable. You're so loving and affectionate and I know you really do care about everyone." I paused taking another deep breath. "Out of all these things, just you being who you are and staying with me through all my shit makes me so grateful. Karkat I just- I love you. I really fucking love you." I let go of the breath I was holding as my eyes continued to flick across his face. I had said it. It was done. And it didn't feel wrong. I felt really good. He only made me feel even better. His smile was the softest I had ever seen it. I took it all in. The soft lips quirked upward, light breath brushing against my neck, fingers still wound through my hair. As he opened his mouth, seconds passed as the words trickled from his mouth.

"I love you too Sollux."

The immense beating in my chest beat faster before slowing down to a calmer rate. I smiled until my face felt numb. Once again, lips met gently and our breaths melded together. His fingers twirled my hair calmly but stopped when my hands skated up his sides. A hitched breath pulsed into my mouth causing my nerves to tingle and a wonderful chill to run down my spine. Hands caressing his face slid down to his neck and pulled him in closer. I had been slightly propped up on my knees, but now as I straddled his hips, he hand to curve his back to meet me halfway. It only arched more as my tongue slid in and out of his mouth and a hand slid back down. I quickly wiggled myself out of the boxers that still hugged around my waist becoming all too bothersome. Knees moved so I could pull them off my ankles. My tongue ran across his bottom lip and he whined in response. Every little sound that escaped him made me want to envelop him completely and never let go.

"Are you ready?" I asked, breaking away and opening my eyes a little.

He shook his head, but I sighed giving a small kiss to his forehead.

"It's okay. I'm going to try my best to make it comfortable."

"I don't know what to do." He admitted in whimper against my neck.

I let out a small breath of relief, thumb rubbing against his cheek.

"I know you don't. That's just fine."

He stayed silent before grabbing on my hair again and shuttering. "Be careful." He whispered.

I nodded. Slowly and full of nervous hesitation, his legs spread a little. My hands moved to his hips and my head craned into his neck. I was still cautious myself. Usually this would be nothing to bat an eye at, but now I didn't want to make one wrong move. He was so fragile and small underneath me. He didn't know what to expect or how to feels or what to think. I didn't want to hurt him. If this made him feel awful than I knew he would never do it again. And so, I moved as sow as I could. I took my time and gradually lowered his arched back into the mattress. With that came the first of many thrusts. I rolled my hips slowly to where it wouldn't be too much but soon quickened. Still, he fidgeted against me, he fidgeted around me, and he cursed under his breath. I tried to focus on what I was doing, but the lengthy moans crawling from his throat and the nails clawing down my back made my mind fade. All I could hear was the whimpers and groans floating around my head and the soft hands searching clumsily about my body. Pushing in and pulling out only made him whine more. It was a mixture of uncertainty and what I hope was pleasure. I really hoped he was enjoying this as much as I much because damn- it felt good. After the speed quickened, breaths grew short and sweat began to make our skin sticky.

"F- Fuck Sollux…" He hissed in an almost needy tone right into my ear.

"Hmm?"

"Don't s- stop."

And so I didn't, but I also couldn't help from grinning. Wide and bright, it planted itself on my face as his fingers dug deeper into my back. I lost track of how long the ecstasy continued. My mind blurred into a mess of his moans and his expressions that I would forever keep locked in my memory. Next thing I could remember doing was collapsing against his heaving chest; completely empty. Slowly, I slid from leaning over him to lying casually beside him. My sweaty back met the cool sheets and I sighed in contentment. Karkat then cuddled up against me, arms slinging over my stomach. As my arm wound around him and pulled him close, he nuzzled his head down against my chest and snuggled in. His breath puffed against my skin but it soon slowed to almost nothing. I glanced down to find closed eyes and relaxed muscles, lip twitching slightly every few moments. He even blushed when he was asleep. He couldn't possibly be this cute. I merely smiled as my hand rose and brushed away slightly damp bangs.

"Night Karkat." I whispered before closing my own eyes and drifting into an exhausted sleep.

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><p>Light washed over my face. It pricked at my eyes and tickled my skin with its warmth. My lids fluttered open and I shifted. I was met with the light, ticklish sensation against my chest. I glanced down to find Karkat gently moving his finger in a circular motion against my skin.<p>

"Mornin'." I drawled tiredly.

His finger stopped, hand flattening against my chest as his head tipped up.

"Morning."

When I pulled back, he was smiling at me with that same soft expression, and his eyes still held their innocence despite what had happened.

"Hey Karkat," I began, brushing some hair from his face.

He tipped his head a little to the side. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

Smile grew, gaining a tint of pink.

"I love you too."

I craned my neck to kiss him lightly on the lips. They were dry and chapped but wonderful all the same. Wonderful, and reserved only for me.


	30. Chapter 30

**Wow, 30 chapters! Thanks for all the lovely reviews! :D Enjoy~!**

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><p>A few weeks passed. The weather became warmer and finally spring break was upon us. After long debates in what we should do, it was decided that we would finally do the inevitable. Karkat felt the need to tell our parents. Seeing I couldn't possibly talk him out of it, I complied. Early the first morning of the break, we piled onto a plane and took off. The next thing I knew, we were driving through the day's light. The sun streamed in from the windows of the taxi. Trees swept by as we were driven through the small, homey neighborhood. Each house was different, but still held the same, nice feeling. When the car stopped, Karkat gazed out window. He was frozen, hand clasping mine tightly.<p>

"It's okay." I said quietly in an attempt to comfort him. "We can do this"

He nodded but didn't move. I gave a final squeeze to his hand before letting go and opening the door on my side. Giving money to the driver through his window, I moved around to the back and opened the trunk. After pulling our bags out and setting them on the sidewalk, I moved back around to Karkat's door. Even as I stood there, the door open and my hand extended, he sat in silent motionlessness. My hand brushed his shoulder causing his head to snap up. Worried eyes looked back at me.

"Hurry up y' sluggers!" The man in the front seat called in his horribly thick accent. "I've got places t' be!"

"Give us a minute!" I snapped back before looking at Karkat again. "Look," I began in a softer tone. I leaned down so I could meet him at eye level. "It'll be fine. It's not like they don't know who I am. I mean, you know you're mom loves me."

"It's not my mom that I'm worried about." He whispered finally and pulling his legs from the cab. I stepped back, staring as he pushed out on shaky knees. I took hold of his hand, grabbing our bags with the other. We walked up to the door as the birds chirped with the whisping breeze. When we reached the door, he let go of my hand and used it to knock. With no answer, he rang the doorbell. We stood there for another few minutes before the door swung open and two arms enveloped us both. In a tight embrace, I could barely glance down enough to see the dark brown, but slightly graying, hair of Mrs. Vantas. She pulled back, allowing me to smile down at her. She was a little shorter than Karkat, be he looked so much like her. Karkat was definitely his mother's child. The same dark hair fluffed around his face, curling slightly just as hers did. That same round face that always looked caring and ready to love.

"Boys..." The soft voice stopped my thoughts. That was same too. The softness they held could be matched by no one. She wanted to say more, but she could only pull us into another tight hold.

Mr. Vantas walked up behind her, giving an almost apologetic nod to me before clearing his throat.

"Dear... Let them breath."

She laughed quietly, taking a step away. Smile still planted firmly, she straightened her skirt out.

"Come in. Come in." She said, walking back into the house.

We followed her and she pointed off to the side. "Just go set your things in Karkat's room. I'll let you know when dinners done."

We nodded and Karkat led me back into his room. Once there, he sighed quietly and dropped his bags. I set my bags down as well and moved over, wrapping my arms around him.

"It'll be okay Karkat."

"Sollux don't." He tried to pull away, but I wouldn't let him.

"No, you need to relax."

He gave up, muscles going lax and arms rising to hold my back.

"I can't relax thinking about how they may react."

I smiled, resting my forehead on his. "It's all going to be alright. They'll be fine with it." I lied, but I had too.

He smiled a little and brought a hand into my hair.

"Thank you for coming with me... I don't know if I could have done this alone."

"Of course." I replied. "I will do anything for you."

His cheeks suddenly gained that light pink which made me smile more and close the gap between us. What was meant to be a small kiss of comfort soon turned into something much longer. He held the back of my head, shifting up to his toes slightly. Our moment of bliss was cut short however. A sharp inhale and the shuffle of feet made both of us break away quickly. We both looked to the door, finding Karkat's mother standing there with wide eyes.

"I- Uh, I'm sorry boys. I wasn't expecting- well, um, dinners ready... I'll just leave you two alone." She then turned quickly and fled back down the hall.

Karkat was stricken with a silent fear. I had to push him from his spot and whisper encouragement into his ear. We reached the dining room with a fully set table and his parents sitting down. We took the two seats across from them. I stared into the table as Karkat glared into his lap.

"Would you care to explain?" His father bellowed. This man always scared me. So strong and sturdy. Well-built with a stern toughness.

"There's nothing to explain." Karkat replied with an equal tone.

"There is plenty worth telling us."

"You seem to have already made up your decision and opinion, _father_."

"Watch your tone child." His mother immediately snapped in. But just as quickly, her head fell back and she became quiet once more.

"Karkat, are you really... You know-?"

"Gay?" His glare finally lifted to meet his father's. "Yeah. So what?"

His father sighed. I looked across their faces. Mrs. Vantas sat, eyes burrowing into her lap. Mr. Vantas had his glare flicking between me and Karkat. I couldn't move, and neither could Karkat. I could see his shoulders shaking beside me. He was regretting ever coming here. They weren't taking it well. I knew this was going to hurt him more than I could ever understand. Suddenly, Mr. Vantas stood with abrupt lurch of his chair.

"I need a drink." He hissed walking away and slamming the door to the other room as hard as he could. This left us in immense and deathly silence. Across the table, Karkat's mother stood, but Karkat jumped up with fists clenched against the table.

"Let me do this mom."

She nodded slowly before drifting back off into the kitchen. I heard the water start running and dished clanked together. Karkat didn't even look down to me. I simply felt his hand brush my back as he disappeared into the hall. The door open and shut. I moved once it was closed. Slowly, my feet drug me to the door as I listened as much as I could. It began with Mr. Vantas' voice mid shout.

"We haven't seen you in almost three years and the first thing you do is come and tell us you've decided to become one of them?"

"One of them? What does that even mean? And it's not something I 'decided to become' it just happened." Karkat's yelled back with almost the same intensity, but I could still hear the fear shaking in his throat.

"Just happened. Like hell it just happened. It's not natural son. We can help you get past this phase."

"It's not a phase dad!" I hated hearing him scream like this. It made my chest hurt. All I wanted to do was bust this door down and give his father a good punch to the jaw. But I didn't. My muscles were too frozen.

"Then what is this? A disease? Isn't that what people have decided now? Well we can cope with that too."

"No. It's not a fucking disease you arrogant asshole." His tone changed so quickly. Now it was thin. No longer pleading and desperate, he cracked down to that low tone that scared me so much. He knew couldn't win, but he wouldn't stop fighting.

"Language Karkat. You will not speak to me like that."

"I will. You can't stop me. I may not be able to convince you what I am is a choice, but I will not let you take this away from me. That guy out there. He's my best friend. He's my boyfriend. And I fucking love him."

A smack. The sound of skin on skin. Silence. Then a raspy voice broke through. Low and quiet, I could barely hear it.

"You're a child Karkat. You don't know what love is. Especially this disgrace. It's not love. It's a hellish dementia filled delusion. Don't you dare say you love him. That's something even God won't accept."

"Don't bring God into this! Fuck, I can't do this."

"Karkat- wait! We can help you."

"I don't need anyone's fucking help. You need to open up your idiotically narrow mind. Goodbye father."

The stomping came closer, but I didn't move from behind the door. It opened and Karkat looked up at me. Eyes full of sorrow and regret stared back at me. Without word, he brushed past me and left me standing there. His father was running a hand against his forehead. I cleared my throat and he looked up. Eyes set into an immediate glare. Same creases lined his older face. Eyes burned with anger and clawed at my strength. Karkat was definitely his father's child.

"I'm sorry for causing anything Mr. Vantas."

He sighed deeply. "It's not your fault son, but I need you to do something."

"Yes sir?"

"Stop seeing my son. I know you've been his best friend for all these years, but you're poisoning him with your heritage."

My eyes widened in surprise mixed with offense. "My- heritage?"

He nodded. "I know your fathers are gay. Only makes since that their child would be diseased as well."

It hurt when he said it to Karkat, but it infuriated me when he spoke this way about my own parents.

"I take heed to your words sir, but I will tell you this one time," I was surprised by the tone of my voice. It was deep and powerful. I liked it. It gave me strength. "This is not some fucking disease you can cure. So I will never, and I mean _never_, leave your son. I love Karkat and nothing you can do or say will stop that."

He walked forward. I almost thought he was going to punch me, but instead he simply took hold of the door and inched closer.

"We'll see about that." He whispered harshly before slipping the door shut.

With a light, shaking sigh, I turned and walked back down the hall. I returned to find Karkat hugging his mother tightly. She was shooshing him and brushing his hair back. I smiled lightly, walking up behind him. She gave me the most apologetic look I think I have ever seen from over his shoulder. He arms fell as Karkat stepped back. He turned around, flashing his quirked frown before pulling it into a thin line. He walked by me, grabbing my hand without another look. I was drug into the room where our bags were before he let go.

"We're leaving." He stated flatly, all emotion gone.

"Karkat-"

"No. We're leaving Sollux. Don't fight me." He had already begun gathering his bags. "Take me to your house."

Without any other word of protest, I picked up my bag and gave him a small nod. We walked out leaving Mr. Vantas in his room and Mrs. Vantas waving solemnly at the door.

The walk wasn't long, but it felt like it lasted at least an hour. Never once did he speak, look at me, or offer his hand. We just walked silently side by side. It wasn't until we reached the door of my house that he spoke.

"Will they care if I stay?" Little by little, his voice was cracking. Sadness sweeping in. It wouldn't be long until he couldn't take it.

I wanted to laugh at the question, but I couldn't. "Of course not." That was the only reply I could give.

With a knock to the door, we waited a few moments before it open.

"Ye-es?" That familiar voice washed over me, immediately calming my nerves.

Eyes locked with mine bringing a smile to both our faces.

"Sollux..."

"Hi dad." I said quietly before being pulled into a tight hug.

When I broke away, I glanced down to Karkat who had his eyes set on the ground.

"You remember Karkat."

"Of course!" He replied with a light chuckle. "I could never forget my son's best friend."

Karkat's muscles visibly twitched at the comment. I simply put a hand on his shoulder and feigned a laugh.

"Right. So, can we come in?"

"Oh, yes! Come right on in."

He stepped away from the door and sent a shout into the back of the house.

"Daniel, Sollux is here with Karkat!"

"Our son Sollux?"

The replying shout made me laugh a little.

"No dumbass. Some other random stranger who's name happens to be the same."

"I was just making sure. Jesus."

I laughed more. I really had forgotten how much I loved my parents. Karkat gave a small tug to my sleeve, smacking the small smile forming away completely.

"Eh, dad. Can you tell me where to put our bags?"

He turned back with a small blink.

"Ah yes. You're old room is just fine."

I gave a nod before flanking left and moving down into the hall then my room. Not much had changed. I threw my bag on the bed and took Karkat's placing it beside mine. Turning back around, I was met with Karkat standing completely still. His eyes were still staring straight down. Shoulders began to shudder lightly as a single drop slid off his face. It hit the carpet and I moved forward instantly. My arms quickly wrapped around him and pulled him in tightly. As my hand brushed through his hair, I bent my head down and closed my eyes.

"Shh, it's okay now."

His hands rose to pull at my shirt. His head pulled back only to let out a stream of mumbles.

"I knew he wouldn't take it well, but- but he doesn't even want me in that house anymore. It's not a disease. It's not unnatural." Hid mumbles turned into whimpers, breaths catching and breaking with quiet crying.

I only tugged him tighter and whispered back.

"I know. He just doesn't understand. It's okay. We don't have to be there."

I placed a kiss a top his head as he mumbled more words into my shirt. I couldn't catch any of them, but I just rubbed his back until his breathing returned to normal and the cries stopped. I didn't want to, but I broke from his arms. Wiping a tear from his cheek with my thumb, I offered a smile.

"I'm going to tell my parents about this okay? Don't worry; I doubt they'll have any issue with me being gay."

I finally triggered a small chuckle from him, and that jaded smile made my heart skip.

"Just get settled in for the night."

He nodded lightly as I kissed his cheek and moved past him. I found my dad now standing in the kitchen as I walked up, hands in my pockets.

"Hey..." I began almost awkwardly.

He looked up with raised eye brows.

"I need to tell you something." My hand rose and scratched the back of my head before falling back to my side. "I don't really know how to say it other than just being blunt about it. I didn't think it would be this hard to say, especially to you, and-"

"Sollux." He cut me off. "Just tell me. Your rambling never does any good." I smiled lightly before taking a deep breath. "Dad, I'm gay."

A look of relief washed over his face, and he stepped forward pulling me into a hug.

"God, I thought something was actually wrong. This... This is just fine."

I laughed quietly before pulling back.

"So, is Karkat...?"

I nodded with a small smile. "Yeah."

"Seems about right." He replied with a pat to my arm.

"We came from his house. His parents, well, his dad didn't take it so well."

"So that's why he looked a little more off than usual."

"Yeah... So, is it okay if we stay here for a bit?"

"Of course! Always happy to have my son around."

I smiled and gave him a final hug before walking back to my room. Karkat was standing, staring out the window. I walked up quietly and wrapped my arms around him from behind. He gasped a little but merely smiled very faintly when he realized who I was.

"Everything's fine." He remained silent. "Come now. Cheer up."

"I can't. Not when I know my father still despises this."

"That doesn't matter."

"But it does."

"No, I know what matters."

He pasted. "And that is?"

I grinned as my hand moved to his side and fingers fumbled quickly. He jerked with the movement, laughter beginning to bubble in his throat.

"Sollux, s- stop."

"I'm afraid I can't do that." I replied and continued.

He only laughed more, letting them fly out as he writhed. "This- tickles... Stop. Stop!"

I finally gave in after a little more. Taking in his sweet laughter, I let my arms just wind back around him. He turned in my arms, regaining his breath. Without word, he moved and kissed me softly on the lips. Before I had time to react, he pulled back and smiled brightly up at me.

"Thank you."

"Stop thanking me Karkat."

He sighed. "Fine., but Sollux..."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

I smiled and chuckled very lightly.

"I love you too. And with that said, I hope you don't mind that we only have one bed tonight."

"Mind? Hell, I prefer that."

"Ah yeah. You have to snuggle against me like a little cat again." That gained me a small nudge to my chest before he muzzled his head back against it.

"Shut up. You can't deny that you like to cuddle."

I laughed, hand running through his hair. "I never said I didn't. I couldn't. You're the cutest when you sleep."

He muttered something, already blushing, but I couldn't understand it. Instead of replying, I just leaned down and kissed the top of his head before resting my cheek against it. His arms held onto to me tighter, and I couldn't let go. No matter what, I would never let go of him.


	31. Chapter 31

I awoke the next morning as I rolled onto my back and my arm flopped into the bed beside me. I turned my head to find the space empty; covers ruffled and pillow pushed up against the head board. With that, I rolled out of bed with a large yawn. Snapping the elastic of my boxers against my waste, I pulled on some loose pants. My feet moved groggily across the carpet toes curling and popping. I stretched as I walked and eventually stopped, standing between the large open space that encompassed the living room, dining room, and kitchen. The house was still slightly dark, save the early light pooling in from the windows, while my head turned to scan around. Everything was empty until I spotted a small form up against the counter. Buttering a piece of toast, Karkat stood in an old hoodie of mine and a pair of his sweats. It was funny how much it made me smile just to see him wearing something of mine, leaving his sweet scent and warmth. Something had to be wrong with me for thinking that.

Who cares?

He let out a small yawn that squeaked as it came out. I only smiled more as I walked closer. Trying my best to be quiet, I came from behind and wound my arms around his waist. I had to dodge the knife that was jabbed over his shoulder before he sighed.

"God Sollux, don't do that."

"Sorry, love." I mumbled, burying my face in the crook of his neck.

His hand set the knife down and snaked its way through the hair on the back of my head as I layered kisses against his neck. My tongue etched his skin as teeth nibbled softly.

"Ah… Sollux, your dads-"

"They sleep late." I muttered before reconnecting my lips to skin.

Fingers curled and tugged at my hair until a voice broke through our enjoyment.

"We used to sleep late." A hand popped the back of my neck followed by a light chuckle. "Watch your urges child. I'll let you two stay here but keep… that, to a minimum. I don't want to be _that_ parent."

"Ye-es si-ir." I drawled as Karkat pried himself from my arms.

Grabbing the plate that held his toast, he moved quickly to sit in a chair. He began nibbling away as a furious blush of embarrassment flooded his cheeks. I took the sight in for a bit before reaching behind me and grabbing a banana. I peeled it, eating almost half before another word was spoken.

"How long are we staying?" Karkat asked; eyes focused on me now and the color gone almost completely from his cheeks.

I shrugged, unsure myself. "Don't know." The other half was gone in no time. "Why do you ask?"

He took quite some time to answer. The silence lingered between us and fell to the floor. "It's nice."

"Think so?"

He nodded. "Your dads, they're nice."

"They understand." I said bluntly, now pouring a glass of brightly orange juice.

"That too, but it just feels really comfortable here." He looked around, a small sigh escaping. "I've been here so many times, but this time it just feels…"

"Complete."

His head snapped back to me. "Yeah. Complete… That's a good way of putting it."

I walked over, setting the glass down on the table. I leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Forget about everything your dad said. He doesn't know how to react. It'll all be okay." I whispered before standing back up and turning to leave.

"Sollux," He chirped before I made it too far. I looked over my shoulder with a raised brow. "You forget your juice."

I turned back around completely with a small smile. "I poured it for you." I stated simply before walking back into the bed room.

* * *

><p>We ended up staying for only two days. It was less than we had planned, but we had thusly decided to spend a day or two at home and maybe hang with Dave and John. It'd been awhile since we'd seen either of them, so I thought it might be nice.<p>

Early in the morning, too early if you ask me, we packed up our stuff. Receiving multiple hugs from both my dads, I managed to break away long enough to make it out the door. We said our goodbyes and waved before shoving our stuff in a cab and heading back to the airport. Karkat didn't even bother telling his parents we were leaving again. We hadn't spoken of them or to them since we had left. I knew he didn't want to. Everything his father said still angered him to the point of break down. It was obvious, so I didn't speak of it either. I instead acted like nothing was wrong and continued on with our spring break.

The plane ride mostly consisted of ear buds shoved in my ears while Karkat huddled against me, eyes glued to some book my father gave him. Every time I would ask him what it was about or try to read any of it, he would writhe in discomfort and growl at me. I let it slide, in the end not wanting to push it. He seemed pretty sucked in though. Part of me still wanted to know what it was about even when I tried to push any care away. Though he continued to restrict me from reading, or even looking at it. So much so to where when the plane landed, he immediately shoved it in his bag and mumbled unclear words and slung the bag over his shoulder. I sighed with a shrug and simply followed him off the plane leaving the issue of curiosity for later.

We made it home with a good amount of daylight left. We actually had a little spare time even though we had promised John we wouldn't miss the movie. Standing in the middle of our room, I pulled Karkat flush against me while lips pecked away at his.

"Sollux- I- We- The movie-"

"We have time." I replied, breathless, before returning as my tongue slid out.

He grunted when I did so, but didn't pull away. It wasn't until my hand skated under his shirt did he push against my chest. I stepped back, lips breaking with a smacking sound. I rolled my head back with a groan but he just sighed and nudged an elbow into my gut.

"Shut up. We don't have time for this."

"But Karkaaat-"

He through his hand up and brushed past me. "Don't try it. I will not be lured into this. We need to go."

"You're a fucking tease." I called after him.

"And you're an ass." He shouted back, keys jangling. "Now come on or we'll be late."

I sighed loudly before following after him and grabbing the keys that he dangled in my face.

The whole ride, he sat drumming his fingers away on his knees. Gaze out the window and lips set into a tightly locked smile. I had to pull my eyes away from him just to keep my sight on the road. I wished to look at him for as long as I possibly could, but the drive was short. We made it to the theatre and he jumped out as soon as I parked. Humming to himself, he swung my arm as our fingers stayed laced together.

"Why are you so giddy?" I asked, glancing down to him. "You're acting like John."

Suddenly a glare hit his face. Couldn't say I haven't missed it a little.

"Something wrong with me being happy?" He snapped back, tone flickering with his all too familiar agitation.

"Not at all." I replied with a small chuckle thrown in.

"Good." He muttered before looking forward again and walking on.

Soon enough, I found myself locked in a straight stare with those black shades as John squealed and flung his arms around Karkat. It was cut short a wide grin splitting both my and Dave's faces.

"Good to see ya'." He laughed, grabbing my extended hand and pulling me into a one armed hug.

I returned it with a pat to his back and a following chuckle before giving a tap to John's head. His brows furrowed at me, but eventually he settled a smile. As we walked a little further to the theatre, Dave stayed on one side of me as John strayed to Karkat's. I found it only a little weird, especially after I exchanged quick glances with Karkat that basically read as follows:

"_This feel weird to too?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Okay good. It's not just me?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Odd."_

"_Yeah."_

No words were shared, only those, tell all, looks.

Things only got worse when it came to deciding what movie we'd like to see. Karkat and I explained we were rather indifferent on the subject to which Dave left it up to John. However when he picked some girlish movie, Dave began to protest to which things began and ended in a fit of shouting.

"Fuck no Egbert, we are not seeing that movie!"

"Why not Dave? You told me I could decide!"

"Well pick a better one dammit. I'm not seeing some stupid chick flick."

John fumbled through a few incoherent sounds before fists clenched at his sides.

"My god, you are the most insufferable prick I have ever had the fucking displeasure of being near!"

"I could say the same to you, _sweety._" Dave's voice rose to match John's volume, but it was so much lower that it bellowed without cracking.

"So what then? Do you just want to leave?"

"No. Fuck- we're already here. Let's just see your damn movie."

"I don't want to."

"You just said you did!"

"That was before you started yelling at me, asshole!"

"Fuck John! Fine. We'll just go home."

John turned around, arms crossing. "I'm not going anywhere with you."

Dave turned the other direction, hands shoved in his pockets. "Good. I can't stand the sight of you."

"Fuck you Dave."

"Right back at ya'."

With that, they marched off in different directions. The whole scene had been graced with countless looks from the other people. Some tried to tell us to take it somewhere else while others were too scared of the two shouting men to confront us. It was all together weird. Dave never showed that much emotion, especially in public, and John rarely ever got that mad about something like this. There had to be more to it. The reason they had been acting so odd. The reason behind the yelling. If there wasn't something else, I had no idea what was wrong with them.

I glanced down to Karkat whose eyes were as wide as mine. We were entirely unsure about what just happened. He nodded to me, and I already knew exactly what he meant. We turned from each other; Karkat went after John as I dashed after Dave. With a few quick sprints I caught up to him. With a hand placed on his shoulder, I pulled him around. He slapped my arm away with the back of his hand and straightened his glasses.

"Dammit Captor, I don't want to talk." He hissed at me with what I knew was a glare from behind his shades.

"Too fucking bad. You can't make a scene like that then just walk away."

He remained silent for a few more moments before sighing and letting his rigid muscles relax. Without another word, he grabbed my wrist and drug me off the sidewalk and onto a bench. I pushed into the wood by my shoulders before sitting beside me.

"What's going on?" I asked, now looking forward.

He let out a deep breath as he ran a hand through his hair. "Like hell if I know. Everything was great up until recently. It's like John had just… snapped."

My head rose along with my eye brows. "What do you mean?"

"He's just become distant. He laughs a whole hell of a lot less. His smiles aren't the same. And, I don't know. It's just different. Everything is."

"You try telling him that?"

"Yeah. He just laughed uncomfortably and blew it off like nothing."

I opened my mouth but a buzz from my pocket a made me stop. I took my phone out and flipped it open.

_Something isn't adding up here._

_ii know. what do we do?_

_I don't know. Just, leave them like this?_

_Not much else ii can 2ee doiing._

_Well... Let's just try to cheer them up a bit. I'll spend the day with John. Meet you back at the apartment tonight. Alright?_

_Alriight. Have fun._

_Ha. Yeah, sure._

I chuckled lightly, but it vanished when Dave's face flicked back up to mine.

"Karkat?"

"I- uh, yeah…"

"He with John?"

I nodded and he sighed. "Figures. Well, good for the little shit. He can go off and have fun with your boyfriend. See if I care."

"I'm sure he feels bad about this too."

"Then why not talk to me about it?" He retorted quickly, leaning back and folding his hands behind his head.

"Maybe he doesn't know what to say." I replied softly.

Dave stayed silent, eyes quirked to look at me from behind his shades.

"Like maybe he can't figure out how to say what's bothering him, so her just- doesn't. And know he feels bad for deceiving you so he just pushed more stuff down. Now it's become too much, and everything kind of exploded."

He sat up a little, taking a moment before letting out a broken chuckle. "Have you been talking to Rose? You know Captor I can only deal with so much psychoanalysis bullshit."

I raised a finger, closing my eyes. "Ah but it's not bullshit young Strider."

He punched my shoulder causing me to grab it and laugh quietly. "Yeah… I guess you're right. You hit it pretty damn straight on."

"That's what I thought."

He passed a few more chuckles here and there as we caught up a bit. I explained the whole ordeal we had to go through after visiting Karkat's parents. He was quite sympathetic, but told me he couldn't really relate. Told me his bro was about as straight as a piece of string. I laughed telling him the same of my dads. It was nice to laugh with him again. We had gone through another round where John had become a little defensive and preemptive of me. I knew he could never fully trust me anymore, and now that I knew of everything happening between him and Dave, I knew why we hadn't really been talking that much recently. It all made since, and I felt a little off for not realizing something was wrong with them sooner. Too late now though. It didn't really matter either. Karkat was off trying to make John eel better while I spent my time doing the same with Dave. It was only when he hopped up from the bench that our conversation stopped. The sky was beginning to grow dark, sun fading in the background. He took a glance at his phone before sliding it back in his pocket. Giving me a final hug, he said he needed to be at a gig in a little while and that he had to leave. I smiled with a small nod and waved goodbye. With that, I turned on my heels and walked back to my truck. Climbing in I sent a quick text telling Karkat I was heading home and then drove off.

By the time I made it home, it was good and dark. The sun had set completely, and the birds had disappeared. Now, the stars began to poke out and the moon rose quickly. I walked up to the building, mulling over my previous conversations with Dave. I wondered why exactly John was acting like he was. Dave seemed to have been noticing it for a while, so something had to be behind it. More troubles piled on the others. All were confusing me. It wasn't even my problem, and yet I couldn't think about anything else. That was until I opened the door to my apartment.

All other thoughts washed from my mind when I spotted Karkat gazing out the window, that book in his hands. The light flicking across his face, he turned and set to book down as the door shut. A tentative smile graced his face when I dropped my keys and walked closer. It was like we didn't even need words anymore. One look could encompass hours of conversations. It was perfect. This was perfect. Just as he stepped towards me, arms flew over my shoulders and around my neck. Up on his toes, my arms wrapped around his back and he pulled my head down. Our lips met lightly and he pressed further against me. He pulled back only to nibble at his bottom lip and gaze up at me. My hands skirted up his sides, drawing out a shuddering exhale.

"Can we now?" I asked in a soft whisper.

He nodded slowly. "God yes." I grinned before crashing our lips back together.

Heaving breaths left my chest as I fell back into the mattress. My bare back slid against the sheets. As sweat ran down my forehead, I let out a deep exhale. Karkat snuggled his flushed body up against mine. His skin was warm, and it soothed my pulsing muscles. I ran a hand through sweat licked hair before letting it fall to his back. A small smacking sound came out as it hit his skin and he twitched a little. Still, I rolled onto my side as our legs quickly became entangled. My arm draped over the curve of his side, fingers running down his back. He shivered with a hushed giggle before wiggling in even closer and nuzzling his head into my chest. I let out a deep breath, breathing finally steadied.

"So I forgot to ask before we got… distracted, what's wrong with John?"

His head tipped up allowing me to brush the hair from his eyes. He looked almost reluctant to tell me, but did anyway. "He's having a hard time- trusting Dave lately. He feels that he's always hiding something."

"All the shit that happened with me probably doesn't help things either." I had meant for the comment to be completely harmless but he tensed under my arm. "Eh, sorry."

"Not your fault. You're right either way. I'd have a hard time trusting him too if I were him."

I nodded. "He just needs to talk to Dave about it. He's leaving him in the dark and Dave doesn't know what to do."

"They both just need to buck up and talk about their shit."

"Agreed." I complied, laughing blithely.

"Now hush," He patted a hand against my chest and cuddled his head back down. "You wore me out. I'm tired."

"Can't say that's a bad thing." I chortled, receiving a poke to my chest in slight dissent. I merely kissed the top of his head before resting it back against the pillow. Closing my eyes, I quickly fell into a deep and comfortable sleep.


	32. Chapter 32

Days passed. We kept to ourselves. If we left the apartment it was only to go shopping or maybe grab a bite to eat. The rest of our time was spent at home. I was subjected to watching multiple shitty movies. I did this without complaint however. It wasn't as if I actually watched them. Instead I spent my attention on the ball of covers cuddled up against my chest. My fingers twiddled, and I was shushed every time I tried to talk. So I kept quiet and just smiled down at him. When sad parts came, they were obviously going to come, he would just blubber into my shirt. I was tempted to tease him about the pathetic mess he became when watching these, but I couldn't bring myself to do or say anything that might make him stray away from my arms neatly folded around him.

Things only became different in that next week. Normal routine of going to class and coming home had set in. Everything was the same as always. Everything was great until the one night that I would soon learn it to be the turning point of our meager lives. I returned home from work, later than usual. It was dark and the wind whistled pass as I made my way into the building. Once in our apartment, I opened the door and flung my keys onto the counter. The apartment was dark, darker than usual.

"Karkat?" I called out, but to no avail, nothing came in response.

I moved back into our bedroom to find the covers of his bed on the ground with pillows scattered and a trail of what looked too much like blood for comfort. It was only a few drops here and there but the deep crimson stood out even in the dark. My eyes widened as I followed it until I was staring down at my own feet. Behind me it continued, so I turned around as my gazed trailed to the white tile of the bathroom. Walking forward, the huddled mess lay, arms clutching the bowl of the toilet and bare feet twitching with curled toes. I dropped my bag, rushing in immediately. On my knees, the shaking had already begun. I had found him lying on the ground way too many times. All the flashbacks were flooding my mind. Hands stopped just before reaching down. They hovered in the air as the memories struck me motionless. My eyes flicked down to his side that was moving very slowly. At least I knew this time he was breathing. I stayed put, not moving until a small sound broke through my thoughts. It was low and almost gurgling. It was if he was choking on water and drowning in the ocean. Suddenly, his side heaved and a sharp burble was followed by the sickening splatter of red against the tile and the base of the toilet. The shaking ensued rapidly as coughing quickly let the air back into his throat. After staring at the mess for seconds at a time, my arms slid against him. I scooped him up and brought his head away from the cold floor. Half lidded eyes struggled to focus on my face as a shaking hand rose to my cheek. It didn't make it there though. It stayed floating in the air before falling back against his chest. A thick stream of red trailed from his lips and slid down his neck.

"_Fuck Karkat…_" I breathed before sorting through my thoughts.

I had never seen anything like this, and I had no idea what to do. So I did the only thing I could. I bundled him up by sliding my other arm under his legs. I'd leave the mess for later. With that I rushed back, grabbing my keys, and practically running down to my truck. I pushed him in the passenger's seat and made sure to click the buckle before hopping in my side and taking off. Hazard lights flicked on, I didn't even care if I was speeding. Panic had very well coated every vein and thought in my body. It pushed me forward on sheer adrenaline and didn't take time to consult any rationality. The hospital came into view and the immediate relief washed over me. It was short lived however, because just then another gurgling shattered my hopes. It bubbled its way up until another splattering sound coated the air and the smacking of liquid against the floor board made me curse. He coughed, chest heaving heavier now. His head rolled back against the seat and he let out a deep groan cut off by another cough. I whipped into the first parking spot I could find before ripping my key from the slot and slamming the door behind me. Unbuckling, pulling him out, and kicking the door shut, I dashed off into the building. The doors slid open when I got close enough, and I ran to the front counter. I was panting, almost out of breath, as the horrified nurse was already pushing a button on the wall behind her. It was a matter of moments before a few men ran down the hall with a stretcher. They took him from my arms and wheeled him away before I could even catch my breath enough to say a word.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in a chair with my blood stained jacket folded in my lap and the woman saying words I couldn't hear. She handed me a clipboard and a pen telling me to fill out the information and bring it back to the desk when I was done. I looked over the words, but they were all blurring together and the pen was shaking in my weak hand. It had all happened so fast. I didn't want to be back here again. It had to be a dream. It had to be. I couldn't handle this again. The fear. The pain. The worry. It was too much. My mind was bending in ways it shouldn't. Sanity was cracking around me. I thought I had been scared the first time, but now he seemed to only mean more. He was the only person I had ever told that I loved. He was the only person I truly did love. Other than my parents of course, but this love was obviously different. It made my heart flutter when I saw him or made it drop if a tear dashed his lashed. That anger had long melted away. He kept himself guarded when we were friends. Now that I thought about it, he was probably just scared. Never letting anyone in. Except, I had broken my way through. I pushed passed his resentment. I tore the walls he built up and it granted me with a special place beside him, holding him up, letting him be open. And I did the same. I allowed him to pull me apart. I had long since kept myself closed up from others. Giving off the false sense of being a strong guy. Someone that never needed help and that always laughed things off. With Karkat, I couldn't just blow him off. He would immediately call my bluff and make me explain everything. Another thing I loved about him. He cared so much. He wouldn't let anyone be without bringing everything out in the open. Many times, I had cursed him for it, but in the end I knew it was just another adoring feature. It mixed with his heart and stubborn mind to form a package of overly loving mush only masked by his thin layer of hate and irritation. Once you got past that, it was easy to see how vulnerable he kept himself. Every emotion splattered across his face at all times. Those eyes that could break down the strongest will. One look and they could melt the world. One look and they could make you fly.

Fingers dug into my scalp, pulling hair as my jaw clenched. My thumb was pressed firmly against the pen until it snapped. The breaking sound of the plastic made my head jolt back up and my eye to search the bright room. I had been thusly lost in thought until that simple crack brought me back. I looked down at the pen, white plastic cracked down the side. I stood, leaving the clip board in my chair and dragging my feet across the tile with a sigh. I reached the counter and extended my hand with a feigned smile.

"I- uh, I broke your pen. I'm sorry…" My voice scratched through my throat and dripped with the need for pity.

The nurse smiled sheepishly back at me before taking it and replacing it with a brand new one. When I didn't move, she closed my hand around it and gave a light pat to my wrist.

"Try not to break this one, okay?" Her voice was soft. Sweet and fluid. Accented by that smile, it calmed me only slightly.

I gave a small nod before turning back around and returning to the chair. I picked the clipboard back up and resumed sitting and staring down at the paper. This time, I could clearly read the inked etched words. And so I mindlessly filled in the answers. Marking boxes and filling in information. Then a voice whispered past my ears.

"Over there." It called. The voice of the nurse. It pricked at my ears and I raised my head back. There in front of the counter stood Mrs. Vantas with Mr. Vantas a few inches behind her. She turned around with the smallest hint of a smile. I stood, but that's when feet shuffled and arms were slung around my neck. She was standing on her toes as she sobbed incoherent words into my chest.

"Mrs… Vantas…?"

She pulled back, my arms still locked at my sides.

"Oh Sollux, they called us and told us something was wrong with my baby." Tears streamed down her face, but they didn't even seem to faze me.

"How'd you get here so fast? Were you already in town?"

"I- We-" She stuttered, eyes looking straight at my chest now. She patted it lightly before calming her tongue. "We'll talk about that later."

Mr. Vantas stepped closer, a stern look set on his face. "Where's my son?"

I looked up, but my eyes instantly shot to the side. I couldn't even bare to look him in the eyes right now. I knew Karkat's blood still stained my shirt, and I was sure he must hate my guts now. He hated the fact of what we were. Him being drug down here by a hysterically weeping woman only to find the guy who _'diseased' _his son had to weigh greatly on his patience.

"I don't know." I answered quietly.

"What do you mean you don't-"

My eyes shot back, a glare firing from behind my glasses. "I brought him in here. They took him away. I sat down. I don't know any more than you do so just calm the fuck down."

"You will watch the way you talk to me boy. My son may have taken a liking to you, but I am still making judgements."

"Like hell you are. You've already pinned me as some kid who, oh you know, just spent about every weekend at your house for seven years straight. I'm a complete stranger that you just met!"

"Now Sollux you know what I mean." I deep sigh left him. "This is all just a little new. I didn't think Karkat would ever become one of them."

"_One of them!_" I hissed. "Would you please stop saying that!"

"Look here-"

"Boys!" Mrs. Vantas shouted. She had been caught in the crossfires. Huddling in on herself, she stood between us and sighed after her small outburst. Placing one hand on his shoulder and the other on mine, she hushed us both. "Please. This is not the time to fight."

"It is indeed not the time." A man spoke behind Karkat's father.

I peered over his shoulder to find a familiar man standing in his white coat and a blue cap tied around his head. It hadn't been long enough since I had seen him.

"He's alright. Well, as alright as he will be for right now."

"Can we see him?" Mrs. Vantas asked, poking her head out from behind her husband.

The doctor nodded before holding up a hand as all three of us moved. "Actually." He craned his neck a little and raised a brow. "Are you Sollux?" I nodded and his hand waved. "You can come. I'm sorry but you two need to stay."

I began to walk, but Mr. Vantas' arm caught my chest.

"May I ask why he gets to go and not us. Not to be frank but Karkat _is_ our son. He on the other hand is just a friend."

_Just a friend._ Well that hurt. He wouldn't even accept me. Wonderful.

"Well this friend is about the only thing your son is worried about right now. So if you would please let him come instead of me having to go back in there, explain this whole conversation, and get cursed at even more by that boy's foul mouth."

I felt the muscles in his arm twitch against my chest, but I couldn't help the smirk that flicked across my face.

_Shows him I'm 'just a friend'._

It took no effort to casually push past his arm and follow after the doctor. He took me down a white hall. Doors shut, doors open. All were the same to me. I just wanted to find Karkat. I wanted to bring him into my arms and never let go. I stepped into the doorway. It took me a minute to go any further. The doctor had moved into the corner, scribbling on some board as my feet drew closer. Tired eyes locked with mine and he smiled faintly.

"Kept me waiting long enough you ass." He tried to laugh but it was cut short by a harsh cough.

"Sorry." I muttered before sitting in the chair rightly beside his bed. My hand took his and his fingers twitched lightly.

"Mr. Captor."

My head raised. "Yes?"

"We need to talk about his condition now."

"God. Not this again." Karkat groaned, head rolling back into the pillow.

"Let me through!" A voice shouted from the hall.

"Sir I can't-"

"He's my son god dammit! Woman, let me through!"

A chuckle passed Karkat's lips before vanishing as soon as his parents entered the room. His mother almost flung herself back into the panic-stricken crying before she ran to his other side and grabbed his free hand.

"Are we all here now?" The doctor asked, trying to hold back the agitation in his voice. We all nodded and he began speaking with a sigh. "Alright. Well then. I am extremely displeasured that I have to be the one to bring this upon you, but I'm afraid I must go past Mr. Vantas' wishes."

"Doc-" Karkat butted in.

"No. I'm sorry, but I cannot continue with my legal obligations under the agreement we have. They must know. Before it is too late."

"Fuck it." He hissed under his breath before his hand squeezed mine tightly as he stared at the ceiling.

"Now, Mr. Captor, I'm sure you remember all too well what happened back a few months."

I nodded, but Karkat's parents wouldn't let that slide.

"What exactly happened?" His father spoke up, eyeing me slightly before moving his attention to the doctor.

"I- oh, you didn't tell them?"

"There wasn't a point to." Karkat said loudly and angrily. "And I thought we wouldn't bring it up."

"Legal obligations Karkat. I don't know how many times I must tell you that." He sighed before continuing. "You see, back about two months or so, your son was brought in by Mr. Captor. What we thought at the time was just his lungs being filled with mucus turned out to be something a little more."

He hadn't told me that. My brows furrowed and my eyes shot down to Karkat. He remained staring at the ceiling, his grip tightening even more.

"And now, we see it's progressing fast than we would have hope. Usually these things go away quickly, but in his case it seems to be lingering around and flaring up at random intervals."

"What exactly is _it_?" His mother asked, the tears having stopped but her voice regaining no strength.

The doctor paused before sighing. "We don't exactly know… It seems it's become worse though. I'm sure you can realize coughing up blood is never a good sign for anything. But, well, with not knowing what's causing this… It means we have no means of treating it."

His father clenched fists at his sides. "Can you not test medicine or something?"

"We could… but we wouldn't know the effects. Anything could happen if we put him on antibiotics. It could easily make it worse just as the odds say it could make him better. It would be too much of a risk. I'm not willing to take it without thorough testing that would be both weathering and costly."

All three of us sighed, desperation hitting us hard.

"I'm sorry you had to hear this. But I'm afraid there is nothing we can do for him at the moment."

It was my turn to speak up. I think it shocked everyone, but I had to ask the question picking at all of us. "Will he be okay?"

They all looked at me, even Karkat. His eyes searched my face, but I kept my gaze firmly locked on the doctor.

"I have no idea." My eyes shut, jaw clenching, and head tilted down. "I don't know how long this will last. I'm sorry, but, he may or may not live much longer. With the way this is acting, it could be anywhere from a few months to a few years. It could go away completely. Who knows. Miracles do happen some times. I wouldn't dwell on the fact that he has to live with this. Yes, life will become a little more cautious, but it shouldn't affect things too much. I will have him scheduled for regular check-ups, but other than that, just come in anytime something feels off. Other than the fact that this sporadically comes up, all his other stats are perfectly normal. Things may become worse. But also, everything may be fine."

_May be._ Not they will be fine. Not there's nothing to worry about. Things _may be_ fine.

Suddenly, my face felt wet. I opened my eyes only to find a watery vision making everything blurry. My cheeks and eyes were hot, but my hands were cold. I couldn't take it. My shoulders were shaking and the voices around me were fading.

"Sollux…?"

_Fuck._ I was so weak. I dropped his hand standing abruptly.

"I'm sorry." I muttered under my breath. "I- I need some fresh air."

With that, I turned. Not looking anyone in the eyes, I yanked my hand away from Karkat's who was trying to pull me back. I brushed past Mr. Vantas and fled into the hallway. The back of my sleeve was running across my face trying to hold the tears back.

"Sollux!" The hoarse voice called after me, but I wouldn't turn back around.

I just kept walking and rubbing my eyes. It was just way too much. I felt so worthless. Tears streaming down my face from red eyes that grew less focused by the second. God, I was so pathetic right now. Nothing had even happened. Karkat was fine. But maybe he wasn't. The battling thoughts clawed at my head. They ripped at my heart.

Half of me was saying _It's all okay. He's fine. He's alive. _But the other half yelled way too loud _Yeah. He's alive right now. But what about tomorrow? What about the next day? Would he still be alive then? Could he still wake up in your arms and say good morning? Could he still kiss your cheek and whisper that he loves you? Could he?_

They broke me apart. I couldn't handle what my mind was throwing around. I walked out the door and immediately flanked left. Once a few feet down the sidewalk, I leaned against the wall and sunk down. I brought my knees up to my chest, buried my head between them, and wrapped my arms over my head. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell and curse the world, but I couldn't. All I could do was sit there in my pathetic heap and cry into my knees. Hiss under my breath and mutter curses between each broken sob.

My mind was snapping. I felt it. Every crack gashed me deeper and deeper. This was making my life shatter. He _may be_ okay. But what if he wasn't? What if… What if I lost him? I couldn't- I couldn't do it. I would never be able to handle life without him. Never… It would be too hard. If he wasn't there beside me. If he couldn't smile and laugh and love, I would definitely break. My heart would surely break.

Definitely…

Surely…

My heart would definitely and surely snap in two.


	33. Chapter 33

As the night became darker, a cigarette hung listlessly from slightly parted lips. The small glow mirrored in the buzz of the hospital lights glimmered against the black pavement. The moon had risen fully now, but I still wasn't sure how long I had been sitting out here. Few people passed, but those who did often gave me passing glances and whispered amongst themselves. My eyes however were locked on the ground just beyond my feet. Lids fluttered as the smoke rose and floated around my face. My eyes had been dry for some time now, but I felt the dried tracks of tears scratching at my face. The skin was sore from repeatedly rubbing it with the back of my sleeve.

Breakdowns like that were never something I was proud of. Usually, I could maintain enough emotion to do it on my own time. Going off somewhere no one would see. This time however, I cursed it. It had been too much at one time. I still wasn't quite sure why exactly my mind cracked. But it did. It opened the dams and the water rushed passed. Breaking the barriers my eyes held, the tears poured out and mocked me as the tumbled down my cheeks. It sickened me to think they all saw me that way. It wasn't as if Karkat hadn't already seen me like that, he'd seen me at my worst. Multiple nights of drunken rambling with sobs of bitter hatred and self-loathing. Just a few more memories I wanted to block out. But his father- god that man had earned himself a new place in my mind recently. I'd known him for so many years, but now I couldn't stand the sight of him. I must have looked like a fool. I couldn't even handle my own emotions when I sure as hell needed to.

I took long breaths, holding the smoke in until I felt it burn my throat and lungs that caused me to cough.

"That's a terrible habit you know." A voice spoke. It was soft, quiet, and over all gentle.

I didn't register the voice before pulling the cigarette from my lips and holding it between my forefinger and middle finger, my hand resting on my knee.

"Yeah well-" My words stopped when I looked up to find Karkat sitting in a small, metal wheelchair, white hospital robe lined with blue and messy hair countered by his soft smile.

It was the smile I had only noticed a few times. And every one of those times, we were by ourselves. I could swear I was probably the only person granted with the gift of seeing it. Usually, it would have fixed everything, but I still couldn't decide how I felt about this whole situation. When I looked at him I was met with a mixture of sadness and relieving joy. And so, I let my eyes stray back to the ground.

He wheeled a little closer but paused for a moment. "Are you mad at me?"

I took my time to respond, silence catching in my throat. "You knew. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't important." He sighed deeply. "I didn't wish to worry you."

"You should have." I ran a hand through my hair, smashing the cigarette in the concrete with the other.

"I didn't want you to help me." He said quietly.

My head rose, meeting his averted eyes with a curious stare. "What?"

"I didn't want you to treat me differently… I don't want to be the sick and fragile person that you pity." His eyes slowly came back, now saddened and still greatly tired. Sunken in, the bags had already begun to form beneath them.

"I don't want to pity you Karkat. I just-" My throat caught on a small hitch in my breath. I steadied myself and swallowed. "Do you realize how much these things terrify me? I come home to find you collapsed on the ground, spewing blood. Fuck, that's something I can't not remember seeing. It's like a nightmare that came true…"

"I'm sorry." He muttered. It seemed to be the only words he could find.

"Don't be. I understand your intentionth- fuck, _intentions_, but you hide something like this from me. I love you dammit. I can't let things like thith- shit, this, god, this thing that may… that _may_ take you away from me… I can't let them be." My voice had risen almost to a shout causing his eyes to grow wide.

They soon relaxed, and he sighed. "Help me up."

My brow raised out of reaction. "What?"

"Ass, help me up." He repeated louder.

"Karkat-"

"Just do it!"

I back down a little, his tone taking me by surprise.

"Alright, alright." I replied before pushing up on my knees and standing. I moved over and placing both hands on his elbows, he pushed up and shifted on to shaky legs. I went to move my hands, but his hands grabbed onto my arms.

"I didn't want to stand just because." He protested, a small glare forming against me.

"Then why?" I asked with a blunt and rather clueless nature.

"God, you're an idiot." He muttered, pushing up even more and rising to his toes.

Next thing I knew, he was kissing me with closed eyes and soft lips tat tasted vaguely of mint. Fingers gripped my sleeves as I felt his lips quirk upwards.

"You taste like smoke." He said, pulling back with an audible grimace.

"Too bad." I replied before leaning back down and pressing our lips back together.

The moment didn't last long enough. I wanted to hold on forever, but an uncomfortable cough came from behind us followed by that accursed deep tone.

"Karkat." It was stern and filled with gruff.

He stopped immediately and pulled away from me. Falling back to his heels, his eyes locked on my chest. My eyes gazed over the top of his head to find the dark eye of his father staring straight through me. My breath caught from the glare he was giving me. I'd never known this man very well, but I sure never hated him. I suppose in most ways I still didn't. He had never really been anything important, but now that he despised 'what I was' or 'what we did', he became more prominent in the dark parts of my mind. It struck Karkat in a certain way knowing that his father had just seen what he had. Sure, he knew it was bound to be happening, but hearing about something and seeing it with your own eyes were two totally different things.

"You're going to make your condition worse doing _things _like that. Now sit back down," He ordered before turning. "And come inside."

Karkat let out a slightly shaky breath before sliding back down my arms and into the chair.

"Take me back inside?" He muttered, not looking up to me.

I nodded before moving around to the back of his chair and turning him. Carefully, I wheeled him through the sliding doors and down the hall into his room. The doctor was gone, but his parents still stood. His mother was fiddling mindlessly with the hem of her dress as his father stood with crossed arms and that ever present, emotionless face. Pulling him up beside his bed, I moved to help him up, but he refused. Lifting his hands, he shook his head lightly.

"I want to stay here." He said before looking directly to his father. "Alright, what did you want?"

His father raised his head to look at the both of us before taking a breath and letting it fall out in a sigh. "Karkat, your mother and I are worried about you, and we think you need to be taken care of while in your current condition." Karkat nodded, but his father's expression only twitched slightly. "We don't-"

"You don't." His mother interjected quickly.

He glanced to her, back quickly turned back. "Excuse me. I don't think the way you are living currently is good for you or your health."

Karkat's face contorted a little, his features darkening. "What do you mean?"

"I know you are enjoying school and everything, but taking this uncertainty into consideration, it doesn't seem this style of life is beneficial."

"So? It's not your place to justify how I spend my life. You can't control these things. I don't live with you anymore."

"That's exactly my point." He replied solemnly. "Which is why… We think it would be best if you came back home."

"Father!" Karkat protested immediately, tone rising loud.

"No Karkat. We're not arguing this. You're sick, and we can't just let that pass us. I know you enjoy living with your- … living with Sollux, but I'm, afraid I can't allow you to do so if this is what is going to happen."

He groaned, ignoring the lament spent on the jumbling of words. "It's not as if my current living conditions are causing this. It's obviously something I can't control."

His father nodded quickly. Karkat was only reassuring him and supporting his ideas. "Exactly! You can't control it, so you need to come home. With Sollux having school and working, I understand he can't be home and make sure you're alright. But your mother doesn't work anymore. She could easily watch over you-"

"But that's not what I want!" He shouted over his father.

"What do you mean?"

Karkat sighed, his head drooping forward and hanging low. "I don't want to be watched over. I don't want to be kept inside like some diseased child. I want to keep living my life normally. I want to live in my apartment with Sollux, and go to school and, just not let this thing get in the way of my life."

"I'm sorry Karkat, but you can't just ignore this. You can't wish to live life like normal when you this undetermined sickness and it could easily affect you worse than this time." Karkat opened his mouth to speak again, but his father raised his hands, cutting him off without even a word. "I don't want to hear it." He said after a moment. "You're coming home and that's final. The doctor said you are stable for now, so we'll take you back to our hotel for the night and we can get your stuff tomorrow."

"What? Why can't I just go home tonight? Let me get some things settled."

"No. You're coming with us as soon as possible."

"But dad-"

"Karkat!" He bellowed, glare intensifying with his volume. "Stop being a stubborn brat. You have no say in this matter. Like it or not, we are taking you with us."

Karkat's eyes narrowed in realization. "Is that why you guys were already in town? Were you planning on bringing me home even before this?"

The glare disappeared. It was replaced with a look of hidden regret. "Karkat…"

"God dammit! I can't believe you! I can't do one fucking this you guys dislike without being hauled back to the middle of fucking nowhere. Away from school. Away from my friends. Oh but most important to you away from my fucking _boyfriend_. Oh look at that! I said it. Get the fuck over it dad. I don't care if you don't want to accept it. It happened. I'm happy. Deal with it."

His father's jaw clenched as he bit his tongue and held his fists at his side. "Don't speak to me like that Karkat."

"You want me to come home with you? You'll half to deal with how I act." He hissed back gaining a threatening look.

"Fuck it." His father cursed harshly.

"Dear!" Mrs. Vantas had thusly been quiet until the unexpected outbreak of composure triggered her to speak up.

"I'm sorry honey." He replied quietly, running a hand through his greying hair. He moved picking up a pile of clothing and tossing them onto the bed. Eyeing the sweat shirt, his brow tweaked up. "When did you get that?"

Karkat looked over before exhaling and casting his head to the side. "It's not mine."

"Then why-"

"Dad. Put it together."

His father looked up from it to Karkat then to me before blinking and pulling his lips into a straight line. "Oh, it's _yours. _I just grabbed the first thing I saw on his bed."

"It's okay dad. Just, everyone leave for a few minutes. While I change."

Mr. Vantas seemed to hesitate for a moment, but he was quickly dragged from the room by that loving mother Karkat was so fortunate to have. I began to walk out as well, but Karkat grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.

"I just wanted them to leave." A small smile passed his lips before he released my wrist.

I couldn't but smile back as I moved and sat down on his bed. "Still, you need to change."

He groaned, but with a hand firmly grasping my shoulder, he pushed up and onto his feet. Despite his constant attempts in trying to convince me he could do it himself, I ended up having to help him anyway. Holding the jeans open, he kept his strength by putting his other hand on my shoulder and stepping into them. After he managed to pull them on without too much trouble, he turned around. I untied the knot that held his robe together and it slid off him. Even in this state, his muscles were so lean, light and smoothed skin being soft with just the right about of chub around his rather femininely curved hips. My hands grazed down his sided following every dip and curve, but he stepped forward with a shudder and shot me a look over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" He asked, but I could blatantly see the light blush dashing his cheeks.

My hands retracted and fell to the bed. "Sorry- habit."

He sighed, giving one more glance before grabbing the shirt from the bed and pulling it over his head. There was a moment of silence before he sat beside me and leant against me.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, letting my head tip down to rest on top of his.

"My parents- no, my father. He's an ass. And I'm sorry they're making me leave. I promise I'll come home as soon as I can get away."

"Don't worry." I replied softly, but I only felt his muscles twitch against me. "Come home whenever they feel comfortable. I don't want your father to have even more reasons to hate me."

"He doesn't hate you…" He muttered quietly. "He just doesn't know how to react."

I nodded, his hand brushing my nose. "I know. It'll take some time for him to come around."

He gave his own nod in response though it was slow and no words came after.

"Hey Karkat," No response came.

My head rose and I glanced down to find his eyes closed and lips parted slightly as small breaths puffed out.

"Never mind…" I whispered.

He really must have been exhausted. Between his previous episode and fighting with his dad, his nerves had to be strained and frayed. As carefully as I could, I stood and let him fall back against my arms. I moved him back and picked his feet up onto the bed. A small woven blanket was lying at the foot of the bed until I pulled it up, draping it over him. I smiled softly at him and leaned down, brushing his bangs away before placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. With that, I gathered my jacket back up and slid my phone that was sitting in the chair back in my pocket. Giving one final glance to him, I turned and exited the room. His mother met me in the waiting room, and I gave her a tight hug before looking up to his father who now stood behind her.

"He fell asleep. Please, don't wake him. Just wait until morning. He's exhausted."

I knew it was done with slight resentment, but Mr. Vantas nodded anyway. Taking Mrs. Vantas by the hand, they moved back over and sat on a small couch on the other side of the room. I waved goodbye before shrugging on my jacket and exiting the hospital. It was cold that night, but the moon's light seemed to take all the displeasure away. I drove home slowly, contemplating everything that had just happened. It was going to be okay if Karkat stayed with his parents for a little. It would make them feel better, and I knew his father was right. Even if I didn't want to admit it, I knew I couldn't be home most hours of the day. And with our different class schedules, if something happened to Karkat, I may not find out until it was too late. And so, I hesitantly let him go without protest. Oh god how I would have like to jump in and blow a casket. Sure, I knew he didn't know what was right or wrong in this situation, but I thought letting it be would end much easier and less painful than fighting Mr. Vantas all the way through.

By the time all my thoughts were rightfully sorted out, I was home. It was bordering on two when I made it into my apartment and glanced over at the blue lighted clock on the microwave. With the lightest sigh, I slipped my jacket off, tossed my keys on the counter, and pulled my phone out of my pocket. Flipping it open, the little envelope opened and closed with the light flashing against the darkness. I opened it only to be met with the words and a long exhale escaping from my throat.

_hey can i come over_

Damn you Dave Strider.


	34. Chapter 34

Within no time at all, I was sitting on my couch with a one, Dave Strider. We were stumped in silence, both of us with our hands in our laps and our eyes set straight forward. After more still air moved only broken by light fidgeting, I cleaned my throat, speaking up.

"So... Uh, may I ask why you're here?"

He took a moment to reply after a sigh. "Well, I've been living with John for a few weeks now. Just enough to where I decided to move out of my place. He has a house; I had a shitty apartment, pretty sweet plan if you ask me. But you know what happened a few days ago?"

I nodded, remembering the shouting all too well.

"Yeah... Things only got worse. I guess it was too much for him tonight, so he kicked me out." Twiddling his thumbs against black jeans, he let out yet another sigh. "I didn't really have anywhere else to go with my apartment- well not being mine anymore. Not too much of an issue right? I know Karkat isn't exactly fond of me but-"

"Karkat won't be here." I cut in without moving my gaze.

He turned to look at me, shades an all. "Somethin' happen with you two?"

"Eh, kind of. Not exactly _with us_." I took a minute to collect the right words while running a hand through my hair. "He's sick. We don't really know what's wrong, but- well, I sent all night at the hospital with him and his parents."

"Is he alright?"

I shrugged a little. "They have no idea what's wrong or how to fix it. I mean, he was spitting up blood all over the bathroom." A hand smacked against my forehead. "Fuck. Don't go in the bathroom. I still have to clean it all up. Tch, anyway, the doctor said it _may_ be nothing, but it could also get worse. I don't know. It still worries me. Karkat says he's fine, but I- I just don't know."

Dave remained silent for a bit before shedding his glasses, rubbing his eyes, and returning them to his face. "Shit bro... That's not good." He said after sometime.

"No. And it doesn't help that his parents are freaking out. I mean god, they took him home with them because they don't think living here while I have work and school is safe."

"His father still not okay with you two- you know?"

I shook my head, hands clenching. "Oh hell no. Mr. Vantas despises it. You'd think I'm a person trying to get him to join some sort of cult. I've known this man for most of my life, but recently, he can only give me these disdainful looks and scoff my way. And if only to make it worse, when a man who greatly dislikes- no, flat out hates that his son is gay, my god, it is awful when he sees him kissing another guy. It was a look of absolute hatred. Like I had stabbed him or something."

"Fucking prick." He snorted.

Even with the seriousness of the conversation, I couldn't help but laugh in consent. "You've got that right. _Fucking prick._"

"So you're just alone tonight"

"Yeah." I replied with a slow exhale.

"Mind if I crash on your couch then?" He seemed to ask it- hesitantly. As if he wasn't sure I'd say yes.

"Of course man. Stay as long as you need be."

With that, he actually let the small slip of a smile pass his usually indifferent expression. A tired breath escaped, melding into a relieved sigh.

"Thanks."

I nodded in response. "I'll get the stuff so you can stay on the couch. Just make yourself at home."

He nodded before I stood and moved back into my bedroom. From the closet, I pulled out a blanket and took one of the pillows off my bed. Upon my return to the living room, I spotted Dave who was standing, already stripped off his shirt and shoes now standing barefoot and folding his shades neatly on the table by the couch. Even to my surprise, I couldn't stop from staring. Damn it. I still looked that him _that_ way. No more than a friend but his body-god, that body-it drove me on end. I cursed the fact that I could look at his muscles, his shoulder blades moving underneath, his freckles that dusted down his skin, and want to run my hands across them. The reason that he was so different from Karkat always made me wonder. I loved Karkat, I really and truly did, and I knew nothing I could ever do with Dave would amount to the emotional value of everything I had shared with Karkat. Nothing that happened would include anything more than a friendship and physical lust. I contrasted in my mind how things always went. Dave knew what he was doing at all times. But Karkat on the other hand, never ceased being timid. Even now when we had done it more than once, he still let me do as I pleased. He never seemed to input his own movement, letting me enjoy what I wanted and watch his expressions as they came. With Dave however, he faught for things every step of the way. He wanted to be in charge; get from it what would bring him pleasure. He probably got what I did from Karkat but from John instead. With his sheepish and flustered behavior, I could hardly see John being one for dominance. And so, that was Dave's job. He took the reins, as did I. And when we met it was a never ending battle. Neither of us would back down. We would both fight, challenging each other and turning it into a frenzy of heated actions and racing thoughts. I wished multiple times I could find some medium between Karkat's timidity and Dave's animalistic charge. Unfortunately, I could never find it-

A snap in my face brought me back to reality. I hadn't even noticed Dave had walked closer, but now sparkling red eyes stared into mine from just a few inches away. He never really bothered to hide them around me anymore. Not like it was a problem in the first place. With a light smirk he moved back.

"Jesus Captor. Thought I'd lost you for a second. Probably distracted by my hot ass, right?"

I didn't really expect my next words to come out as they did, but I couldn't stop them. "Can't really help myself from doing so."

His brow raised, eyes flashing with a mischievous glint. "Oh really?"

I merely shrugged it off. "I'm not going to deny it."

Stepping forward again, fingers brushed down my chest. "Well Captor, can we remedy this situation?"

My hands grazed down his sides, the warmth tickling my skin as he shuddered. With a breath escaping, we both moved forward, lips meeting. This didn't last long though. At the same moment, his hands pushed my shoulders back just as I pulled his hips away. We stared at each other for a moment before splitting into wide grins and busting out in laughter. We shook our heads as the laughter bubbled louder.

"No, we can't." He answered his own question.

I then nodded as my head hung a little. "That just felt stupid."

"I think we're both past this."

"At least for right now." I agreed, my hands falling from his waist.

"Welp," He turned on his heels and strolled over to the couch before flopping down. "I'm tired... Night Sollux."

I chuckled lightly and turned myself around. "Night Strider."

From there I moved into the bed room before glancing to the bathroom. Red still coated the white tiles and ran down from the bowl. I sighed deeply before kicking off my shoes and rolling up my sleeves and pant legs. I stepped into the bathroom, flicking on the light and getting to my knees. Pulling an old towel from the cabinet, I reached up to flick on the water. Once it was hot, I soaked the towel and began to scrub at the tile. It disgusted me and only wiped more bad memories through my head. In my time with Dave, I had completely forgotten about the previous occurrences of the night. But now, the all came back. The splattering sound, his violent shaking in my arms, tears falling and pattering against the pavement as I crouched against the wall. Huddling in on myself, I was so weak. And now Karkat wasn't even here. He had been taken by his parents who obviously didn't approve. It wasn't that I was angry, no, fuck that- I was pissed that they'd force him to leave. But I was more or less scared. I didn't want him to get worse when I wasn't around. If anything happened, it would probably be too late. I couldn't get to the airport, get a flight out and make it there in time. That's what scared me most. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to see him again. It terrified me shitless to think that I might not be able to hold him or kiss him or just tell him that I loved him and see that smile on his face. He may slip away without knowing just how much I actually did love him. And now, I kneeled on the floor and attempted to scrub away the blood he choked on just because I wasn't home. I couldn't help him when he needed it. He should have told me. Dammit, why didn't he tell me? He claims he didn't want to worry me, but is this better than worry. Is almost drowning in your own blood a more satisfying outcome than letting someone know you are sick? Apparently it was to him. If this is what it took for him to tell me. He probably would have gone and died before telling me. That I couldn't stand. He always had to do things by himself; never wanting to cause burden on anyone. He never came to me with things so drastic. He could have died and I would have never even known he was sick. God, I couldn't handle him sometimes. He made me want to scream. And- and-

Before I knew it, a drop hit the tile. Its sound shattered my ear and made me blink. With fluttering lids, more fell. I stopped scrubbing; sitting back on my legs and rolling my head back to stare at the ceiling. They just rolled down my face now. I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop them. I was fucking crying again and I didn't know why. And so I simply sat there for the passing minutes. I let tears hurdle down my cheeks until no more came. I silently cried without the slightest idea why until, finally, my eyes were dry. With a scratchy sleeve, I wiped my face making sure not to smear the blood on my fingers. That done, I returned to scrubbing until all the red was gone from my sight. I simply tossed the towel into the trash; it was completely ruined now. I then washed my hands thoroughly before staggering into my bedroom. Not bothering to turn the light on, I pulled off all my clothes, tossing them to the corner, and pulling on a pair of sweat pants. Slipping into bed, I quickly snuggled down as my eyes fell closed.

I slept peacefully until the black faded into red. Then the screaming ensued. Screaming and wailing. The cries of a woman mirrored by the soft, deep sobs of a man. More screaming. Blood curdling screams. The screams that you never want to hear. Screams of pain. Screams coming from a voice I knew too well. They were so far away though. He was so far away. I couldn't reach him. He needed me, but I couldn't reach him. I couldn't help him. The screams grew louder, but I still couldn't reach him. But then, they moved away. They became quieter; they dissipated. And then- silence. Complete silence, but I still reached out. I still searched through the blindness to find him. Fix him. Help him. Love him. Anything I could do to save him from disappearing. But I couldn't find him. Dammit- why couldn't I find him? I was running around blind with outstretched arms and more pathetic tears staining my cheeks. It was straining my nerves and driving me mad. I don't know how much more I could take. I was going to break soon. I just knew it. I was definitely going to snap.

That was until I was lurched awake. My eyes shot open to find Dave leaning over me with his hands pushing my shoulders down into the mattress, knees locking me on either side, and sweat rolling down my forehead.

"D- Dave?" My voice croaked out. My throat felt scratchy and tired.

He sighed, climbing off me and sitting on the edge of my bed. "Fuck man, you scared the shit out of me."

He ruffled his hair as I sat up a little, still trying to blink away the sleep and terror. "Sorry. Fucking nightmare."

He let a breathy laugh. "Yeah. So I figured. I'm not the lightest sleeper, but your shouts still woke me up. I thought you were like dyin' in here."

Pulling my knees up, I rested my arms on them and let my head fall forward. "Yeah… Sorry."

I felt a hand land on my shoulder, squeezing very lightly. "It's all going to be fine."

I cut my eyes up from behind messy bangs hanging in my face to find him staring right back at me.

"Stop worrying your ass off and let me get some damn sleep."

I chuckled very softly before flashing a smile and nodding. "Alright."

He gave a short nod in reply as he retracted his hand and stood.

"Hey Dave." I called after him once he had already reached the door frame.

He looked over his shoulder, quirking a brow. "Yeah?"

"Thanks." I replied.

He gave me another upturn of his lips, closest thing to a smile I'd get, and turned back, walking off down the hall. I soon laid back down, nuzzling my head down into the pillow and letting my eyes close back in no time.

When morning came, the warmth of the sun pricked my skin. Its light shone through my curtains, invading every inch of my room. I opened my eyes slowly before breaking into a large yawn. Sitting up, my back arched as I stretched my arms over my head. With tired and aching muscles, I climbed from my bed. Feet hitting the floor, my toes curled against the carpet. I pushed up from the bed, stumbling a little before steadying myself and continuing forward. I made my way into the main room to find Dave sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Without a word spoken, I moved into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl. Dave followed suit, tossing the blanket off his legs and coming up behind me. I handed him a bowl before glancing down and snorting slightly.

"Shit Strider. Just being completely relaxed here are we?"

He glanced down, but just shrugged and took the bowl. "Jeans make me hot and they're not exactly the best sleepwear; excuse me for finding boxers more comfortable."

"You've infested my couch."

"It was inevitable."

"Good point."

He nodded with a chuckle and sat down at the table. I obtained a box of cereal from the cabinet and the gallon of milk from the fridge. Setting them bot down, I was about to move into a chair when there was a knock at the door. I gave a short look to Dave who just stared back at me until I looked to the door again. Standing fully, I stepped over and opened the door. The man who stood before me, stared at me with a blank expression but angry eyes. He judged me up and down flinging a grunt probably on the account of my lack of shirt and the fact of how damn skinny I was. His glare, now set on my eyes again, only intensified immensely when Dave came up and slung an arm over my shoulder. Taking note of Dave's lack of- well everything but his black boxers, his face grew more displeasured by the second. My muscles went rigid as soon as Dave's arm touched my skin. Rendered speechless for a moment, I stared blankly back at the man before choking through the words.

"G- good morning Mr. V- Vantas…"


	35. Chapter 35

**Goodness! Thanks for the 300 reviews! I love all you guys :)**

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><p>As soon as I uttered the words, Dave's arm slid from around me and he slunk back into the kitchen. But I was frozen. Muscles being restricted by the deep stare that was burrowing into my strength.<p>

Mr. Vantas gave a forceful push to my shoulder before walking in and immediately turning to Dave.

"Boy, you put some clothes on and leave." He flicked his thumb over his shoulder and added in a harsh tone, "I need to have a conversation with the rat."

Dave's first movement was to hurry over to the couch and gently slip his shades on. _Of course._ Once I had turned around and blinked back into reality, he had his jeans fully buttoned and was now pulling his shirt over his head. With that done, he grabbed his phone and walked back over to me.

"Sorry-" He whispered shortly before giving me a small pat on the back and walking out the door.

It was shut behind me and I was left with Mr. Vantas. He turned back around to face me, arms crossed and lips in a thin line.

"Care to explain what I stumbled upon?"

I fumbled through words. They wouldn't leave me throat. Instead, all I could do was utter incoherent beginnings of words and sounds that had no endings. He only glared at me deeper. It reminded me so much of Karkat's, but it was a thousand times worse. This glare didn't have any timidity or fear behind it. It was rock solid, and he knew how to use it. He knew exactly what to do to intimidate people.

"Sollux. I may not be okay with you and Karkat- being what you are, but I'm not an idiot. It's obvious the way he acts around you. And because of that, I cannot let this kind of behavior pass."

"It's not what you think." I scrabbled out quickly.

He paused for a moment before raising a brow in disbelief.

"I mean it- I, I…" _Breath. _I held up my hands, taking a deep breath and leveling my thoughts. "That was Dave. He's just a friend of mine."

"Looked like more than a friend to me." He commented, still with a slight hint of disgust.

I held back my glare, now was not the time for my temper.

"He had a fight with his… roommate, and he needed a place to crash."

"Well, Sollux I just need to get a few things for Karkat."

"Why can't he stay with me?" I asked suddenly, muscles tensing.

"We talked about this." He replied calmly as a sigh escaped.

"I know but-" Shit, my voice was already weakening. Not now god dammit. "How do you know this won't make things worse?"

"I don't understand."

"You know, those stories where like the best thing for someone who is sick is to just stay in their normal routine and not do anything that would upset them. And I'm not speaking for Karkat, but this would be pretty upsetting if I was in his shoes- no, I don't care. It is upsetting. I know how I feel, and I bet it's pretty god damn close to his feelings too right now."

"Fluff filled stories. Sollux, with us he will be better off. His mother can watch him better than you can. I know you care deeply for him, but we're just looking out for his safety."

My hands clenched into fists as I fought the will to yell at him. Although, my voice still came out bitterly. "Sir, I do not think you are right about this. Sure, I may not be able to be home at all times like Mrs. Vantas, but I will take care of your son more than anyone would. And I care more about him than you could even imagine. But of course, you wouldn't imagine that because it's '_not natural_'."

"Watch it son." A finger rose to point at me as he stepped closer. "You will keep that tone in the back of your throat when you talk to me if you must. I will not put up with it, especially when you are trying to persuade me into an idiotic course of action."

"It's not idiotic. It's logical. He has lived with me for almost two years now. We have never had any issues-"

"He's never been this sick before. He needs dire care at all hours. My god, you must understand."

"No, I don't!" There went my voice. "I don't fucking underthtand" _Dammit._ "You can't jutht take him away like thith!" I swallowed hard, forcing it back down in my throat.

He almost growled back at me, glare burning as bright and fueled as ever. "Sollux. You can't stop this. Quit trying to change our minds. Now calm down and give me what I've come for."

"No." I snapped back immediately.

He was almost taken aback by my deliberate belligerence. "What was that?"

"I. Said. No." Teeth bared, I snarled and held my ground.

He stepped even closer, voice rumbling into a low growl. "You will do as I say."

"You're not in charge of me. I don't have to do a single fucking thing you tell me to. And I sure as hell won't follow orders that fumble from your mouth like meaningless words on a piece of paper. For that matter-"

His hand shot up, grabbing my face and squeezing it tightly. "Shut your god damn mouth child."

As my hands moved to pull at his arms, but he captured them with his other hand. It was so large compared to mine and could easily encompass both my scrawny wrists. God, he was strong. I couldn't have moved if I wanted to. So I merely grunted in discontent and fidgeted against his hold.

"Now, are you going to give me what I need?"

I shook my head furiously, but it only angered him more. His grip on my wrist tightened as fingers dug into my skin.

"Damn you- Just stop fighting me. You think you know what's best but you don't. You think I'm not worried? Do you honestly believe I am trying to tear my son away from you just because I don't like this? Because I'm not. I know you can't bear the thought of losing him, but neither can we. We just want him to be okay. I promise you, this has nothing to do with either of your _sexuality_- I- We- God. He can't be this sick. Not yet. He's so young. You can come visit whenever you want. Every weekend if that's what it takes. Sollux, I don't want to stop you from seeing him, I only need to know he is safe and being taken care of. His mother's going crazy as it is. And with her knowing that he could be here by himself with no one to make sure he's alright, it would push her over the edge. I and he are all she has. And she loves her boy. So please. Just let him come home. Please. I beg of you to understand."

My eyed were wide. No longer from fear but from extreme pity. This man was so scared. He didn't know what to do. Neither of us did. But something hit me just then. I had only been worried about making sure Karkat stayed here with me. I told myself it was for his sake, but the more I thought about it, and the more I thought about what I just heard, I realized that it was more for me. I saw that I was only trying to keep him here so I could continue with the normality that had finally set in. The way that my life actually felt right. But now I couldn't. I couldn't keep thinking only about myself. His parents were scared out of their minds. I knew that he really did need to be with them. He'd be safer, right? It'd be better for him, right? He'd eventually be happy about it, right?

_Right?_

"Dad!" Karkat's voice squeaked from behind us.

Instantaneous relief poured itself over me. There was the scurrying of feet before he came into my view. My head had been tilted up from his grasp, but I could still see the fluff of brown dance quickly over. He pulled at his father's hands which quickly released me. I stumbled back, one hand over my mouth, and the other holding my wrist. Karkat pushed him with hands colliding into his chest. He didn't budge though. Karkat was so weak compared to his father. But still he tried. And he tried again. It was more of a bat this time before he turned around. A look of extreme pity and regret stained his face. Eyes sad and lips quirked into a frown. He walked towards me with outstretched arms. It didn't matter if his father was standing right there; well, it didn't matter to him. He wasn't the one being stared at with such a desperate expression that it could break anyone. He just lifted a hand to my cheek and brushed the other through my hair.

"Are you alright?"

My eyes flicked from his father's pitiful face down to his, equally pitiful look. I reached up, regretting my movements already, but still my hands took hold of his wrists and brought them down.

"Yeah, I'm fine." My tone was quiet. I was having the hardest time masking the pain in the thought of what I was about to do. "Karkat,"

His head tipped to the side. "Yeah?"

I cringed, forcing the words out with the best I could. "Last night…" I paused, the words caught in my throat, but I pushed them out with so much force they all slurred together quickly. "Dave- Dave spent the night here." My eyes shut. I'm sure he took it as me regretting telling him, but if he only knew I was doing this for him.

He backed up, hands falling from my face. "Sollux… you didn't."

"He was upset because John kicked him out so I let him stay here." At least that was the truth.

"D- Did you t- two…"

My head moved slowly, as slow as it ever will. But none the less, I nodded.

_Lies._

"Yes." I hissed through clenched teeth.

_Lies_

It hurt, but I had to do it. I had to lie. He needed to go home willingly. It would make every feel more relaxed for him to be with his parents. They could take care of him then.

It would be better for him.

It would be better for _him._

I couldn't even see it coming, oh but it did. The crack of a hand hitting my cheek ripped through the air and stung my face. Blood pooled making my cheek red from where he slapped me, and I quickly moved a hand to sooth the burning.

"God fucking dammit. You fucking asshole." He spat at me, and the words made me wince and duck my head to the side. "You can't keep your pants zipped for one damn night. I can't believe how fucking insufferable you are sometimes. I- Fuck-"

"Karkat-" His father began, but he was quickly but off.

Karkat whipped around glare not dissipating before he stared his father down. "I'll get my own damn stuff. Just go back to the car."

Without seeing if his father would comply, he was already stalking off into the bedroom leaving a painful cough to be heard from the hall. His father walked over to me placing both his hands on my bare shoulders and looking me straight in the eyes.

"Thank you."

I couldn't accept it. I was yelling at myself in my head. I hated what I just did. I kept telling myself it was for the better, but I couldn't help but feel awful. I had fucked up so many times with Karkat, and now he thought I did it again. He actually thought I cheated on him- fuck. What did I just do?

Still, his father took note of my silence and simply patted my shoulders as he walked by. Just as he passed through my door way, he stopped and spoke over his shoulder. "The things we do for love, eh?"

I turned half way around just as I registered what he said, but Mr. Vantas was already gone. Did he just accept that? Did he- Before I could straighten out any of my thoughts, Karkat burst back through the room. A large bag in hand with clothes jutting out in every direction. He crossed the room to the small table by the couch and opened the drawer. From it he pulled that little book he still never let me see. Stuffing it deep in the bag, he turned to look at me. I remembered something, quickly turning and moving off down the hall.

"Hold on!" I called out behind me.

I walked into the bedroom and over to the woven hamper that sat in the corner. Pulling clothes out and flinging them in every direction, I finally found what I was looking for. I then scurried back into the main room and straight back to Karkat. He stared at me until I held my arms out. In my hands lay my sweatshirt that he loved so much. It was the only thing I could think of that may make him hate me less at the moment. He glanced down to it, features immediately softening. He soon covered it by feigning another glare. But still, he couldn't help from yanking it out my hands and stuffing it in the bag. At that moment, I wanted more than anything to pull him into my arms and tell him the truth. Ease the pain and whisper to him how much I loved him, but I couldn't. My mind was ruling over my heart and telling me this was what was best. And so, I let him leave. I let him brush pass me with a quick goodbye and shut the door after him. I let him walk down and drive off with his parents. I let him drive away with a piece of me shoved in that bag within the jungle of clothes and that little book.

And with that piece of me gone, I could do nothing but sit on the couch with my head in my hands and laugh at myself. Laugh at how pathetic I was right now. Laugh at how shitty my life had become again. Laugh at how I just let the only thing I actually cared about any more walk out the door because of a lie.

All I could do was laugh at how much I desperately and absolutely loved him.


	36. Chapter 36

**This chapter's a little shorter, and I'm sorry but I'm lazy and tired so I didn't proofread this one. Oh well… here it goes**

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><p>And so he was gone. And he didn't come back. He didn't call. He didn't text. I didn't hear a word from him. Two weeks passed. I wasn't even sure how. I had been completely oblivious to the fact that the days were passing. I regretted ever lying to Karkat. The fact that I had never hit me until the next day when I was alone in a dark apartment, wishing that he was in my arms. I wished I could go back and tell him the truth even if it would cause his parents distress. I just wanted him back. Except this only further pressed my point that I wanted him to stay in the first place for my sake. I had tried to keep him here just so I wouldn't break down like this. I wouldn't be sitting here in self-pity and self-loathing if only he would have stayed. My god, why did he have to leave. It made me spend every day wanting him back. And this time I knew there was no reason for him not be here. If he knew the truth he wouldn't be mad. He wouldn't have left. But I just had to go and lie. I had to think of his sake and sweep the floor with my built up reputation just to make be in a safer place. Damn my rational mind. Still, I lived life as it was. I was living it normally, or as normal as I could make it. Even on that one day. I went to school, went to work and came home.<p>

I returned to the lonely darkness, shutting the door with a sigh. Another night of silence and utter boredom. I had fallen into the routine of coming home, eating whatever junk I could find in the cabinet, and watching t.v. until I passed out. A night like any other. Casting my keys to the dark corner of the counter, I glanced across the room only to be caught by the flickering blue lightly on the phone base. I set my bag down, kicking it to its side with my foot before walking over. I pressed the button labeled one. A harshly computerized voice droned back at me '_One new massage. 2:30 P.M. March 20. New message._' It was left seven hours ago. Wonderful. A beep followed by the low, melancholy tone that Mr. Vantas always held. He coughed before beginning.

"Sollux. You must be at school or work or priorly engaged right now. Well, it's Mr. Vantas. I'm not quite sure how to say this, but- well for the most part you were right."

I blinked, completely surprised, but I tuned back in as the message continued.

"-I know now what you were talking about. Frankly, even if you did anger Karkat, he made it pretty obvious you did, something isn't the same. I know lying to him must have been painfully hard. I still thank you for doing it, but over these past weeks- well, it's been hard on him. It seems all he does is mope around. He'll pick up his phone but then just sigh and toss it away from him. He thinks we don't notice, and whenever we ask him what's wrong he just puts on a fake smile and says it's nothing. Now I know, I may be looking into this too much, but you know, he's my son. I need to look out for him. So, I think you were right. I don't know if this was for the best anymore. Even if we can make sure he's aright all the time, he doesn't seem to be happy. At least not as happy as he was when he was around you. You don't think I saw the way he lit up and was able to smile genuinely and laugh when he was with you? I'd be a bad father if I couldn't. He just sits with that same sweat shirt on, glaring at the wall. I just think something wasn't right about what we did. We shouldn't have taken him away. He's not getting any better. I hate to say it, but I think his cough is actually getting worse the longer he's here. I feel the need to tell him everything. What you did; how it was all a lie. Would you be angry if I did that? You want him to come home too, right?" A long, drawn out sigh. "Well either way, I must go. Hopefully we'll talk soon. Goodbye Sollux."

With the beep of the machine, I blinked again. I was completely unsure how to react to what he had just said to me. My first though was holy shit followed by renditions of surprise, shock, and a very small nervousness. Did he really tell Karkat it was all a lie? Would that anger him even more? What would he say to me? If anything…

I picked up the phone to call Mr. Vantas back, but my thumb dialed a different number. When I looked at the phone and Karkat's name was being circle by the little waiting symbol, I almost snapped my phone shut and ended it. However, before I could, the small phone icon in the corner of the screen turning green. I put the phone up to my ear a little hesitant and croaked out a, "Hello?"

"Sollux." His voice came steady and placid, but I could still hear a faint bit of emotion. It wasn't sadness or anger, it was something I was having a hard time identifying.

"Hey Karkat. I have something I need to tell you." My words began to rush, so I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "That night. Nothing happened between me and Dave. He just-"

"My dad told me." He cut through me, rendering me speechless for a moment. In that lapse of silence he continued. "He explained that he had walked in to find you and Dave there, but that you said he was there because of his roommate. I guessed you meant John, which lined up with what you told me, so I had no reason to suspect you were lying about that. And-" He paused, a cough ripped through the phone. It sounded so painful, so awful. I cringed at the sound of it. He took a pass to recover from it before clearing his throat and continuing. "And he told me you lied for my sake. To get me to come home so mom wouldn't worry and so I could be safer… Is that the truth?"

I nodded even if he couldn't see it. "Yeah… That's all true. I'm sorry that I lied, but you needed to be at home. Your father's right. I can't make sure you're alright even half of the day and if something was to happen… I…" I gripped my phone harder, grabbing my wrist with the other hand. "I just don't know what I would do. I couldn't live with myself knowing you could be hurt and all by yourself."

"It'll be okay Sollux."

"No. If anything bad were to happen. If your health gets worse-"

"Sollux."

"When you become sicker-"

"Sollux."

"Oh god, if you needed me, but I wasn't here-"

"Sollux!" He snapped. His tone wasn't irritated, just loud enough to shut me up. He immediately quieted and became softer. "Sollux, stop talking. Stop thinking for just one minute. I need you to do something for me."

I paused, biting my lip. "Anything."

"Open the door."

My brows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

A click and then the dial tone pierced my ear. I pulled the phone from my ear staring at it for a moment before seeing the message '_call ended_' flashing in front of my eyes. My face only scrunched more with the growing misunderstanding. I went to punch his number in again, but a thud hit my door. I turned around, eyeing the wooden frame only to be struck by a voice.

"I told you. Open the god damn door Sollux!"

I stumbled forward, not believing my ears. They had to be playing tricks on me. With an outstretched hand, I grasped the knob and pulled the door open. In the dim light of the hall that flooded into my dark apartment, Karkat stood in that clearly oversized sweat shirt and dark circles encompassing his ever wide eyes. His arms were crossed in a post huffing shout, but his eyes rose to meet mine when I opened the door. That's when nothing else matter. I stepped forward, directly wrapping my arms around his shoulders and tugging him into my chest. He dropped his bag, nuzzling himself into my chest.

"How did you get here?" I asked, even though my face was buried in his untamable hair.

He shifted just enough to turn his head to the side and bring his arms around my waist. "After my dad called you, he told me everything. My mom already had my things packed up." He let out a small laugh that was only a little uncomfortable. "I thought I was being pretty discrete, but apparently they saw right through me." His hands gripped my shirt and pulled on it tightly. "I was mad, but you don't know how much I just wanted to be here."

I shook my head. "No I do. I know because I wanted you to come back just the same. But I knew you'd come back if I told you the truth, so I didn't. I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't be sorry; I should. I over reacted."

"I would have done the same thing. I knew you would want to leave if you thought I did stuff with Dave again. Your dad needed me to do it too. And your mom. I bet she was happy to have you home."

He nodded against my chest causing my head to move on top of his. "She was at first, but I guess she quickly realized how much I wanted to be here… How much I wanted to be _home_."

"You're home now." I whispered, a smile tugging at my lips.

He pulled back to gaze up at me with an unmistakable smile. "I'm glad."

I couldn't help but pause to gaze down at him and take in his splendor. Even though he looked exhausted and all together a mess, he was never more adorable. It was the little things that I loved about him. The little things that I had missed these past weeks. Waking up to find him in my arms snuggled against my chest. Coming home and having the pleasure of giving him a kiss on the cheek and getting one in return. But now, every ounce of regret I had felt was requited. And I wouldn't stop myself from taking his face in my hands and slowly pulling him to his toes and leaning down to gently press our lips together. His arms released my back to move around and curl against my chest. It was some time before he finally pulled away. Looking to the side, he coughed a little before gazing back with that same smile.

"Can we go to bed?" He asked in an easy tone. "I haven't slept well in days."

My smile softened and I nodded. "Of course."

Taking him by the hand, he picked up his bag and I pulled him back into the apartment, shutting the door behind us. We moved through the darkness and into the bedroom. Once there, I dropped his hand long enough to unbutton my jeans and slide them off. He did the same with his before tossing them to the floor. I tried to stifle the small chuckle that came from seeing the sweat shirt fall just to his knees. He looked back at me with a raised brow.

"What?"

"You're so little and cute." I replied with a light smirk followed by another chuckle.

His cheeks immediately flushed red as he fumbled through some words. "Sh- shut up." He finally managed to bumble out before twiddling with the sleeve that passed his hands and covered them completely.

I merely complied and walked forward, plopping myself on my bed. He glanced down at me for a moment in almost disbelief that I submitted so easily. But still, he just shrugged lightly and crawled over me. Slipping in beside me, I pulled the covers up to my chest. Almost as soon as I had settled in, I turned on my side only to be met with a puff of hair and warmth breath against my neck. He snuggled up next to me as my arm fell over his waist. I let out a content sigh before letting my exhaustion wash over me and carry me off into sleep with him resting peacefully in my arms and in my heart.


	37. Chapter 37

**Alright for those of you who don't follow me on tumblr, I will also put this message here. I am leaving to go to New York on Thrusday morning, so this will be the last chapter before probably next Tuesday. Alright, so, I guess I'll Ttlk to you guys in about a week! :D**

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><p>The next two months passed with little note of worthiness. School ended and I still worked. Karkat stayed home, doing whatever he wanted while I stood bored as hell in that book store. Other than the fact that I think I was going insane with my constant nerve-wracking nightmares and the ever present coughs scratching their way from Karkat's throat, things were pretty much the same. Well, that's what I wanted to think. I couldn't say that they got better in the least. He may have not wanted me to notice, but I did. Oh, did I notice.<p>

He thought I didn't notice him trying to cover it up. Quiet the harsh sound with his arm or a pillow smothering his face.

He thought I hadn't heard him puking his guts out in the middle of the night.

He thought I couldn't tell when he ate nothing and drank only water.

He thought I hadn't purposefully left medicine out on the table only to find it gone when I returned to the room.

He thought I hadn't taken sight of the bags under his eyes growing deeper and darker by the day.

He thought he was fooling me.

He thought I wouldn't notice.

He thought wrong.

One day especially, he spent the entire day lounging on the couch. He said it was because he was feeling lazy, but when he got up to use the restroom, he walked slowly. Hunched over and clutching his side. It was painful for me to watch. If I tried to help, he would merely growl at me and push me away with a puny shove and a stricken curse. And so I let him be. I peered over the newspaper that was unfolded in front of my face to spy on him with his face glued into that damn book. The soft brown leather and the frayed pages with things sticking out in every direction. Every now and then he would snicker and make my curiosity peak. Finally, after he couldn't help from laughing quite loudly, I stood with my chair scooting back. Walking over, I towered above him, looking down with a bank expression. He peeled the book back to raise a brow at me, snuggling his back further down into the couch as his head rested on its arm.

"Yes?"

"What are you reading?" I asked bluntly.

The book fell back in front of his face. "Piss off."

My agitation flickered a little and my hand shot, grabbing the back and ripping it from his hands. His arms immediately reached for mine, but I stepped back. He swiftly moved to his feet trying to pry it from my grasp, but I raised my arm and he was clearly too short to reach it. Even on his toes, he was still too little. His fingers grabbed at my arm, the other hand using my shoulder to push himself up further.

"Sollux- give it."

My hand rose more, and I shook my head. "Nope. I'm curious about what you're constantly giggling about."

"It's nothing important." He muttered, forcibly falling back on his heels and lowering his reach slightly.

I began to open the book, still holding it in one hand. He flipped again and began snatching at the air. This drug out a punitive cough which sent him curling in on himself a little and backing down. He sat back on the couch, hand covering his mouth. My arm lowered, and I glanced down with slight regret.

"Sorry Karkat." I whispered as he continued to cough.

He waved a hand, opening one eye to look up at me. "Don't be... Just-" He cleared his throat, wincing slightly before sinking back into the cushion. "I guess… I guess you can look at it if you really want."

I stood for a minute, staring at him and visibly not the book. "What is it?"

He fidgeted a little, seemingly nervous. "Just something your dad gave me. He said I might be able to get a good laugh and learn a few things."

My brow perched. "Learn a few things about what?"

He paused, gaze on the floor. "…You…"

I only became more confused. I shifted and sat down beside him, holding the closed book in my hands. I glanced down at the worn cover. It was obvious there was once writing on the front but it had long since been worn away. I sent a wavering glance to Karkat but he just nodded.

"I wasn't really supposed to let you see it… but I don't think it'll do much harm."

I stared at him for another moment before turning my full attention back to the messy clump of pages in my hands. Steadily, I opened the cover for my eyes to be met with an old picture. I recognized who they were immediately. There my fathers stood in front of our house. One hand from each of them was being occupied by my own. I had to be at least three or four; short and scrawny as ever. Underneath it was a small space of carefully written words.

'_Today was the day we finally brought him home. Even if he is quiet, that smile never leaves his face._ _Words will never be able to describe how happy we were to have a little boy of our own now. '_

After that, I flipped a few pages coming to a new entry. 2003. I was twelve and just starting middle school. I cringed a little at the thought.

'_Things have seemed to be getting better. We've saved up a little money. Work is steady now-' _I skimmed the next part, not especially interested in anyone else financial issues of the time. I didn't want to think about that. Not at all. I stopped when I spotted my name again. _'-other than that, things have also betting quite better with the kid too. Sollux at least seems a little happier now. Recently he's been so glum. It's a little unusual, but I didn't think much of it. After those few days when he came home looking bruised, of course I asked what had happened, but being as stubborn as he is did I really expect a straight answer? Anyway, lately he seems to have acquired a new friend of sorts. Sure, I've only met the kid a few times, but he seems decent enough. I'm a little surprised that all they do is sit around and watch movies, barely speaking a word. And even when they do- well god, that kid has the quickest mouth I've ever heard. It's so hard not to laugh. Either way, if it cheers him up, I can't be anything other than glad-'_

I stopped there, eyes rising back to Karkat. He just smiled back lightly and gave the smallest shrug.

"Your dad has kept this journal you're entire life. I've actually learned some interesting things about you. And how you grew up. Like when you were young and for some time you wouldn't eat anything unless it had honey on it. Or your odd infatuation with bees and anything with yellow or black stripes- I was a little surprised I didn't notice that one myself. It's just stuff that your dad thought I might want to know…"

I was utterly speechless. I tried to speak. Open mouth and escaping breath, but no words. Then a reflexive grin cracked its way across my face. Holding the book in one hand, I turned slightly and wrapped both my arms tightly around his shoulders. He fell into my chest with a puzzled grunt. It took him a moment, but he soon let out a small breath and hugged me back softly.

"Why?" He whispered over my shoulder.

"I don't really know." I answered.

It was the truth. I had no answer as to why I was hugging him so tightly. Whether it was from the fact that he'd take the time to read something this meaningless so intensely, or it was all the stress bubbling over and forcing me to break down a little, I didn't know. Either way, I just wanted to sit and hug him for a bit. And that's exactly what I did. Thankfully, he didn't try to pull away once. He sat right by me, holding on and smiling into my shoulder. Every now and then he would hum something quietly, rubbing small circles on my back.

And so life continued as it would have it.

Another day of worked rolled by a few weeks later. An exceptionally boring day. Of course it would be my luck that this particular book store stayed open even throughout the summer. And my 'exceptional slacking skills' had earned me the permanent position ever day at the same register. I couldn't really blame myself from never trying at this job. A child could do it, and it was excruciatingly mind numbing to do this every day, waiting on people who obviously had better things to do than stand in the line at the book store. Between that and the fact that I just did not want to be there, I never actually tried to do a good job. And thus, I was forced into the awful shift that worked from nine in the morning to five at night. Why would anyone want to come to a book store at nine? That I will never know. But I still came. I said goodbye to Karkat after he grumbled every morning for waking him up. You'd think if he hated it so much, he'd go sleep in his own bed. But every night he would crawl up next to me, arm slung over my stomach and head nuzzled down into my chest.

Couldn't say I minded it.

Still, I hated this job. It was a waste of my time. I only got me enough money to get by, and now with the constant stress of Karkat being sick, I really didn't want to think about money. And yet it kept popping up. I'd pay for groceries and bills, the rent was going to kill me, by the time all that was done, and I would have practically nothing left to spend. Living comfortably was never a term I could use. Right now, I was living quite uncomfortably. Not only with the money and my job, but also because my nerves were always on end. Anything seemed like it could push them over the edge. Every little cough or wheeze of displeasure would scratch against my ears and make me cringe. Of course I never told Karkat how worried I was. He still wanted me to act like nothing was wrong. But how could I? He obviously was not fine. It was almost infuriating how lightly he was taking this whole situation. Sometimes I couldn't handle how stubborn and obstinate he was acting about things. I tried to explain to him how worried I was, but he just stormed off into our room and slammed the door. Later that night, he re-emerged, saying nothing. He simply hugged me tightly and rubbed my back. He didn't need words sometimes. He could easily let me know things would be alright with a simple gesture or a passing look. But I couldn't help but feel something was desperately wrong. Even if he assured me of it, he didn't seem alright.

What scared me the most is I knew he was hiding it. I knew he didn't want me to know how bad it actually was. But I did know.

One night I woke up to find him coughing exceptionally hard. Somehow, he had managed to learn how to sleep through his fits. He would could, but never wake up. I would though. Every time he whined in pain my eyes would flick open. It was torturous. This night, once he had finally finished his coughing, I glanced down. My eyes only widened a little with the small drip of blood slid down from the corner of his mouth. Rolling over and plucking a tissue from the box beside the bed, I quickly dabbed it away. It bothered me. Even something like this. Something that could easily be so much more; he never shared it. Never once had I heard anything about it. Even after that night, he never spoke of it. I didn't bring it up. I didn't want to stress him out, but he never once led me to believe it was this bad. The coughing had only gotten worse and I could see him wiping his mouth but when I glanced at him, he would just shake his head dismissively and continue on.

I hated that he wouldn't let me carry some of his burden. I'd rather him spend time sick in my arms then deal with it on his own. But every time I thought this I would always smile back on the past. It was just characteristically Karkat. He would never tell me if he was scared or hurt, even if it was blatantly obvious. He tried to be stronger than he was. Oh, he tried so hard. It must have been tiring. Day in and day out he tried to deceive me. I believe he was mostly trying to deceive himself. As if people didn't talk about it, it would just go away. If he didn't acknowledge that his condition was worsening, he would magically get better. Except he didn't. And I knew he wouldn't realize that until he hit the bottom.

And he did.

On this particular day as I stood with my hands in my pockets, leaning up against the counter behind the register. It was a slow day and my phone began to buzz just before I subdued completely to my day dreams. I pulled it out to read the unfamiliar number. I picked it up anyway, having nothing else to do in the meantime. Holding it to my ear, I sighed out a hello.

"Is this a Mr. Sollux Captor?" The feminine voice was quiet but professional.

I quickly straightened up and cleared my throat. "Yes. It is."

She let out a small, slightly shaking sigh. "Mr. Captor. I need you to come to the Rose West Hospital immediately. I have you marked as the emergency contact for-"

"Karkat…" I breathed.

She stopped for a moment before continuing. "Eh, yes sir. Mr. Vantas- he's not doing well. After collapsing in the market on 8th, he was brought here. Now please Mr. Captor. It would be in everyone's best concerns if you would come down here immediately."

My muscles were already shaking, breath uneven and eyes wide.

"Yes Ma'am." I replied quietly. My feet had begun to move, but the next words she dropped made me halt. And my feet stuck. Glued to the floor, my eyes screwed shut, jaw clenched, and my hands clasped into a fist.

"Hurry, he may not make it much longer."


	38. Chapter 38

I moved as fast as I could as soon as I caught my breath. My thoughts were racing faster than I could process them. It was impossible to believe this day had come. I knew it would probably come about, but not so soon. I thought he would have had at least a year before it hit him this hard. But here I was with shaking breaths and nimble fingers, pulling all my stuff together. I passed by the girl who worked with me. I had already told her of what was going on, so with one look she knew. She gave me a hug and told me good luck and that she'd let the boss know. I feigned as much of a smile as I could before grabbing my bag and darting out the door. The spring rains had come and currently it was pouring. I cursed under my breath, pulling my jacket hood over my head. Jumping into my truck, I slammed the key in and pulled out, whipping around and taking off. I drove fast, minding others and trying my best not to speed. It was hard not to with the panic racking me with irrationality and every muscle twitching nervously. I had raced these roads too many times for comfort. The only difference was that this time Karkat wasn't in the seat beside me. Even if it usually was because he was on the verge of not breathing, I couldn't help but feel it would be better than have him almost gone in a hospital bed. And my mind cracked every time I thought of that bed. Within he was probably lying almost gone with constricted breaths and painful whimpering.

The only thing that stopped my mind from spinning was the thought that I had to keep going. I had to drive. I had to move. I cursed red lights and the rain that began pattering my windshield. I kept flying through the streets, tires close to sliding against the slick roads. Only did I stop in the hospital parking lot as the break clicked and the tires came to a halt. I shifted the gear into park and unbuckled my seat belt. However, I still didn't move from my truck. My legs suddenly felt like stone. Like I had weights strapped to my ankles and lead in my worn out converse. I couldn't move. Fear broke my nerves. It ceased any movement in my muscles and it rendered me senseless. I didn't want to walk into that hospital. I wasn't sure if I could take what may come. The woman on the phone told me he might not have long, but I still just could not move. I wanted to run in there; hold him in my arms, telling him it would be okay. How could I feed him lies like that though? How could I walk in there, feigning a calm attitude and the ghost of a smile lying directly to him through my teeth? I didn't know it was going to be fine. How could I _possibly_ know that? And that scared me even more. The uncertainty. What if it wasn't okay? What if it was already too late? What if he couldn't make it? What if. There were too many of those. Enough to make my head spin until I was ready to rip my hair out.

My hands clenched on the steering wheel, teeth gritting.

What if he was too far gone? Nothing could be done. He would be left with this- this sickness that they still did not know what was causing it.

Slowly, I scraped my feet across the floor board and pried my white hands from their death grip on the wheel. The door creaked open, flying back until it hit its end. It began to swing back, but I caught it with my foot before falling to the ground and slamming it behind me.

One thought alone kept me going.

I loved him.

Even if he was this sick, even if he was out of time; I loved him with all my heart. I wouldn't let him go without seeing his face again. I was scared shitless at that moment, but I needed to move. I needed to walk up into that hospital and see his face, hold his hand, tell him how I've felt for so long.

And so, my feet moved. I couldn't feel them, my legs had long gone numb, but I knew they were moving towards him. I was walking to the door, through the door, up at the counter. My voice came out saying words I couldn't hear. My heart was beating far too loud in my throat. The woman behind the counter, beautifully primped and a healthy glow surrounding her, nodded. She waved a hand for me to follow. As she led me down the hall, nothing but her figure and the blinding white passed my eyes. I didn't notice the other rooms this time. I didn't take note of the patients or their talking, coughing, and other extraneous noises. I couldn't think of anything but a few select things.

The thought of my heart beat.

The thought of white.

The thought of this woman.

The thought of my life slowly slipping out from my heels as I walked along the cold, tiled floor.

The thought of my best friend.

The thought of the man I loved.

The thought of Karkat.

Those were the only things I could manage to hold onto. They bellowed through my mind and left scars were other thoughts couldn't dare mend. But they were stopped. The woman's feet rested just before mine did. She stepped to the side and held out her hand, waving it into the door way. I moved in front of the door, but the only thing I saw was the doctor. He was standing at the foot of the bed, scribbling away on his clip board.

The woman cleared her throat with a fist up to her mouth before beckoning to him quietly. "Dr. Mr. Captor is here."

At first he didn't move, but he soon turned. His features twitched ever so slightly once he saw me. Stepping closer, he took of his glasses and placed them in the pocket of his lab coat.

"Mr. Captor-" he began in a quiet tone, but I cut him off quickly, equally as quiet.

"How is he?"

He paused, letting out a small sigh before rubbing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and fore finger.

"I will not lie to you, it's not good. Unfortunately, we still are not entirely sure what is causing this. However, his state is deteriorating rather quickly and the internal bleeding has risen to an alarming amount-"

I had been chewing at my cheek muscles jittering until the words flew out. "Can you fix it?" My voice was so weak and forced it made me cringe just at the sound.

"Maybe." He continued, glancing down at his clipboard. "That's the other reason I needed you here. Because Mr. and Mrs. Vantas are out of state, I needed to alert the next in line. Being his emergency contact if no one else, you needed to be here. Now then, in order to stop the bleeding and hopefully figure out the initial cause of this all, we need to perform surgery."

My eyes widened. _Surgery_

"We need to stop it and see if we can work all this out. Without it, he will have no chance of living. And it needs to happen now."

I paused, taking in as much of a breath as I could. "Can I see him first?"

The doctor eyed me for only a second before nodding. "Make it quick Mr. Captor. I'll be back in a bit to come and get him."

I nodded back, stepping out of the way. Once he was gone and passed, I stepped back into the small room. My heart throbbed and sank. Already, my throat was closing and my eyes were struggling to stay open as I saw him lying there. He was pale and shaking, hands clenched into balled fists around the thin sheets. His hair was stuck to his face from the sweat barreling down his flushed and burning cheeks. I walked over as my muscles began to tremble before I melted into the chair beside the bed. My hand grabbed his own, tearing in from the sheets and intertwining our fingers like I would never let go. He stirred a little before open his eyes just enough to see. They were glossy and bloodshot, red veins running straight into dilated black and brown eyes. Lips parted with cracks and a light film of dried blood and saliva opened but nothing other than a tired breath escaped. It croaked out, chest deflating heavily. My hand squeezed tighter and his tightened in response. He tilted his head more to the side, looking me straight in the eyes.

"So-" He began but a violent cough engulfed the words and forced them back into his throat.

He hunched his shoulders, now quaking with pain as blood ran down from the corner of his mouth. I wiped it away carefully with a tissue as he sunk back into the bed and breathed the tiny amounts he could. I could clearly hear how small his throat was and the way it hurt just to try and speak. I brought my other hand to his cheek and shooshed him until he stopped trying to speak.

"Just listen Karkat…" I forced out the most painful and insincere smile I ever had. "This may actually be easier if you don't talk."

His eyes cracked opened and he looked at me with all the intensity he could. I let out a shaking breath. I could feel my eyes welling up but nothing could be done to stop it now. Looking down at him, I couldn't stop all the emotion clouding my mind. My heart was pounding away in my chest as all my thoughts were erased except for his face.

"Karkat-" I broke off immediately, but he squeezed my hand lightly and nodded ever so slightly. "Karkat, you've been my best friend since middle school, and now… Now I can't tell you how much I love you. God, if only I could explain it. If I could tell you everything I feel when I see you. Everything I feel you disserve but that I can't give you. Tell you how many times I've been thankful that you put up with all my shit and never gave up. If only I could show you how much you mean to me. And I know I am being so sappy and cliché right now, but… but I can't help it. You mean the fucking world to me Karkat Vantas. You always have. Even if I haven't realized it until now, that doesn't mean you never were the only thing so important. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't my best friend. I went through a lot of fucked up stuff when we were younger, but you were always there. And now you're there for me more than ever. Oh, how can you live with me? I'm so pathetic and screwed up. And I've hurt you so many times… But you never left, did you?"

My head fell. I couldn't stop the tears now. They were streaming from my eyes, sliding down my cheeks and nose, and dripping to the floor. My muscles twitched as I tried my best to keep everything together.

I was failing miserably.

"No… You stayed right beside me. I didn't even realize I could care this much about one person. Dammit. You just took my heart and ran with it. You're an ass for that, you know?" A small, almost forced, chuckle escaped.

I opened my mouth to speak, but his hand slid out from mine and rose to brush a thumb across my cheek. I raised my head and opened watery eyes to find him smiling softly back at me. It wasn't much, but I knew it was there. Just then, he looked so tired; so weak. I wanted to give him all my strength. Let him have everything he needed. Even though I knew I couldn't, I wanted some miracle to happen and transfer all my life into him. I wished desperately to have him back the way he was. I didn't care if that meant he was pissed off and angry all the time- I loved his stubbornness even if everyone else hated it. I loved the way he would stomp around when he was angry, but as soon as you figured out what was wrong he would immediately break down into a pathetic mess. I loved those little looks he would give me that always looked angry but I couldn't help but see the loads of emotion and vulnerability in his eyes. I loved how affectionate he could be. Arms open and heart on his sleeve. I loved everything about him. I loved him.

Oh how much I fucking loved him.

And here I was. I was only able to pour every word I could form onto him and lean my head into his hand. As his thumb rubbed weakly against my cheek, I still couldn't stop from crying. And now he was too. This wasn't even the end necessarily, but I felt that if I never saw him again, this needed to be our last moment. I needed this to be the time that I told him everything. I needed to be completely open and explain all the things I felt for him. He needed to know. He disserved to know.

I placed my hand over his and smiled the best I could.

"Karkat, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you-"

"You don't have to…" He croaked out, his voice tremendously raspy and cracking. "I already know."

My eyes softened as I could see his lips trembling as the salty tears ran over them.

"Still. I need to tell you." My hand clasped over his, still on my cheek, but he just shook his head lightly.

"You don't. You've shown how much you care. And this isn't the end Sollux."

An obvious lie on his part. He knew he couldn't say that truthfully, but still he lied trying to calm both of us down.

I simply smiled that weak smile and twitched with a hitched breath. "You're a fucking terrible liar."

He tried to laugh, but it was quickly cut off with a cough. Once he recovered, he just gazed right back at me. "I know… But I can have hope, right? It's just surgery-" _Just surgery, yeah right._ "They'll fix this. I just know they will."

"But Karkat-"

His hand slid to cover my mouth. It was cold and clammy, but I didn't care right now. "Shh. Just let it happen, Sollux. It's going to be okay."

I nodded and he eventually let his hand fall back onto the bed. I moved my hand right back into his in a matter of seconds. "I will always love you Karkat. No matter what."

"Sollux…" He started but soon trailed off.

"What?"

"If I am to… not make it- I want… I want you to move on." I knew it pained him to say it, but he meant it. His eyes averted my own immediately. "Don't be afraid to be happy again. I wouldn't want you living life alone."

It took quite some time for me to respond, but finally, I nodded.

"If that's what you want I-"

"Excuse me." The voice of the doctor returned in the small room.

I quickly wiped my eyes before lifting my head. The smile that was resting ever so faintly on my face vanished instantly. His grave face didn't help things as he beckoned a hand.

"It's time." He continued quietly.

A few nurses came into the room and began unplugging machines and rapping tubes around a small stand. Karkat gave a final squeeze to my hand before letting go. I glanced down just before he waved me down. I leaned lower and he took my face in his hands. Feebly, he pulled my face down and forced our lips to meet. All the care for the other people in the room vanished as we shared that kiss. It was long but well needed. I placed my hands on both his cheeks as I felt the tears once again run down my face. I wasn't sure if they were his or mine, but at this point neither of us could spare the energy to care.

All too soon, he pulled away as his head fell back against the pillow. Hands slid from my face and that uncertain but all so surreal smile gracing his lips.

"I love you Sollux Captor." He whispered and just then, the bed began to move and he was being rolled out.

"I love you too Karkat Vantas." I replied quietly even if he couldn't hear it.

The doctor sent me one last glance before speaking his final words. "Just wait in the visitors room Mr. Captor. I will send someone to speak with you as soon as we are finished."

I merely nodded. I was all I could do. After waiting a countless amount, my feet drug across the tile floor. They took me back into the waiting room and over to a chair. I slid down, my head falling straight into my hands. Heels digging into my eyes, I tried to take deep breaths. It was the longest I had ever waited for anything. I could hear the clock ticking on the wall. I could see the people, but their voices were irrelevant. Only the clock and my heartbeat; my ears picked nothing else up. My heart hadn't left my throat since I had gotten there, and it wasn't about to escape now. It seemed to only crawl higher and leave me with a nauseous feeling and a sickening taste I my mouth.

But I waited.

I waited for so long. I lost count of the seconds- the minutes- the hours. I almost couldn't take the apprehension- the lack of patience- the ultimate fear lurking in the shadow of my thoughts. I knew my world would crash without him. He had made everything so much better, and now it was threatened. My love was being ripped away against either of our wills. I wanted to scream, but I had to keep it together. I wanted to cry again, but I knew I would only look pathetic. I would join the other masses of weeping people in the dammed building. This was supposed to be a place where people got better, but there was so much sickness and sadness. It was almost too much. If only I knew how bad it would get. I wished I could just fast forward and get it over with, but I also knew I couldn't get away. This day would haunt me no matter the outcome. If he was gone, if he was perfectly fine, either way I would forever be scarred by this fear in my chest. The fear of losing the person I cared about the most. Not being able to see his smile. Not being able to hold him in my arms and whisper sweet nothings into his hair that was perfectly aligned with my chest. I had so many fears. And they were all crashing against my sanity and forcing me into a state of sheer panic. But it seemed all of that vanished after I heard a voice. It must have been a couple of hours, but I finally heard a voice.

"Mr. Captor." It called, but I couldn't register it.

"Mr. Captor!" I repeated louder, and my head rose.

My eyes met those of the doctor. He was now in his light blue scrubs with a mask hanging loosely around his neck. Lastly processing who it was, I sprung to my feet.

"How is he?"

An immediate sigh and the dropping of features. He avoided the question completely for a minute. We stood in silence as he lulled over the words to say in his head.

"He…" He started, but cut himself off with another sigh. This could in no way be good.

"Is he…" I didn't want to say it, and thankfully I didn't have to for he quickly shook his head.

"No, he's alive." He looked back at me but merely frowned when I sighed in relief. "Mr. Captor, come with me."

He waved a hand as I followed in a daze of worry and confusion. He led me back to the same room and entered it. I came in after him, eyes widening and heart once again picking up to a loud thump. The monitor beeped with the measure of his heart, but he wasn't there. I could already tell he wasn't. Tubes coming from his mouth and nose connecting to another large machine with a bag that deflated and inflated with every heartbeat. IVs lined his arm and patched covered other parts with wires going out of sight. A bandage wound around his head forced the hair to stick out from underneath. I walked closer, my hand running up the sheet before eventually clasping his limp and heavy fingers.

"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, my eyes locked on his motionless features as his chest rose and fell in rhythm.

"We managed to stop the bleeding-" He shuffled papers before continuing. "We also discovered that an abnormal sist had ruptured somewhere in his lower abdomen, probably the cause of this all. Usually we would have been unable to remove the remnants and clean it up, but in this case we could do so with little trouble. Unfortunately something else went terribly wrong. For some reason that is still unexplainable, there was also unexpected bleeding in his brain. It was quite surprising for all of us. Before we knew it, he was already well into a hemorrhagic stroke. Thankfully, we managed to stop the bleeding because it was not too far gone. And yet-" He paused, obviously dreading the words he had to say. "We couldn't keep him stable. Even though the bleeding was stopped, his heart rate was rising too high and his blood pressure was dropping. So, in order to keep him from slipping we were forced to induce this coma like state. It keeps him stable and his heart functioning. Though, we also had to implement a breathing tube to make sure he never stopped taking breaths. We don't know if he will be able to survive without it. And with that comes the news I am dreading to tell you the most… Now Mr. Captor, we do not know how long he will stay like this. With the scare of his brain, it would be in too much risk to extract the tube. Thus, there is no way to tell when he could wake. It could be a few days, or- he may never wake up... We will keep him alive for as long as his family pays the bill. I'm sorry, but there is nothing more we can do."

My eyes widened, and my hand clenched around his before letting go completely. My arm fell to my side and I raised my listless gaze to the doctor. There was a long silence before he opened his mouth.

"Mr. Captor-"

"Thank you for all your work doctor. I am forever grateful." My voice was toneless. It lacked all emotion- even the ones that were rearing their heads in my mind.

With that, I turned without even a goodbye glance to Karkat's lifeless body. I couldn't look at it anymore. From there, I walked through the lobby and out the door, ignoring every sound and image flashing by my eyes. They were already glossy and locked on my parked truck in the lot. I climbed it, jammed the key in the slot, and revved the engine loud. I didn't look back, I didn't think about turning around. I just drove. I drove home without even a thought of regret. I couldn't stand to be in that room anymore. Not after hearing that. Hearing that he _may_ never wake up. God, I had grown to hate that word so much. And now, I was sitting in the parking lot of my apartment. Rain was battering the window and I was still lightly wet from walking to my car. I pulled the key from the hole, but it immediately fell to the floor board. My hand had released it. Something washed over me. Maybe it was the reality of the situation, or maybe it had finally sunk in. Either way, I crumbled. At that moment, every wall built up came crashing down. They tumbled as the clouds of smoke from the rubble rose high into the dark, grey sky. My cheeks grew hot until they were soothed by the cool, salty tears. My jaw clenched with gritted teeth and my fingers dug into the steering wheel. I kept it in as harsh grunts until it was too much for even me to handle. It escaped.

I screamed.

My head slammed against the wheel and I screamed.

It was a scream of pain and hurt. The immense agony of my heart being ripped from my chest leaving every wound to fester in the rain.

I didn't feel any better even after the scream cracked into broken sobs and muffled cries. If anything I felt worse. I gave in to the weakness and let my emotions have complete control.

But I couldn't stop the tears anymore.

I just simply couldn't stop them.

So I let them fall like the rain outside my window.

They fell to the floor as the blood from my aching heart fell heavy in my veins.

This couldn't be the end.

I shouldn't hurt this much.

Why did he have to leave me like this?

Why couldn't live without him?

Why did I have to love him?

It was decided. Why it hurt so bad. Why I felt this way. Why I couldn't stand the thought of living without him. Why I couldn't move or do anything by wallow in my tears.

I knew exactly why.

I loved a one Karkat Vantas with all my heart and soul.

And that love would be the death of my sanity.

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><p><strong>Alright guys sorry that took so long! Goodness so many words in one chapter! Anyway, I had fun in New York and now that I'm back , I can start writing again. So no, this is NOT the end. There will be more chapters. I'm not sure how many, but I'm just letting you know this isn't the end. Now, I will gladly leave with all your hearts :) <strong>


	39. Chapter 39

**Hey Guys! Sorry It's been so long. I've been really busy lately. I don't really know what I'll be doing this week since it's spring break, but hopefully I'll be able to get some writing done**

**Alright, well enjoy chapter 39! :)**

* * *

><p>I finally managed to pull myself from my truck. With shaking legs and twitching fingers, my face burned from the back of my sleeve being drug across it so many times. Red eyes felt sore and they clouded my entire vision. I slowly made my way into the building after slamming the door shut and locking my car. My feet scuffled along the ground, never fully leaving. The apartment was dark as usual. Everything was the same. Everything but Karkat being here to greet me with open arms. I sighed deeply before wandering over to the couch and plunging myself on it. I pulled my phone from my pocket, not caring enough to find the remote and turn the t.v. on. Flipping it open, a small phone rocked back and forth on the screen. I had the urge to ignore it, but instead I just opened it and slung the phone up to my ear.<p>

_One new message. May 25, 5:15 PM. New Message._

"Hey Sollux, it's Karkat," I immediately sat up straight and held the phone tightly. "I know you're at work, but I'm going to stop by the store and pick up a few things. If I'm not home when you get off, I'll probably still be here-" There was a short pause filled with a cough before he spoke up again. "Ah- sorry. Well, I'll see you tonight either way." Another pause, but this time it was just filled with silence. "Love you."

The machine beeped and I pulled my phone away from my face. I stared at it for a second before wrenching it closed and letting my arm fall to the couch. My head rolled back as my eyes closed tightly. I fought against the sudden impulse for those damned tears to prick my eyes again. I needed to distract myself quickly. My only thought was calling Karkat's parents. I really didn't want to, but honestly I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I glanced at my phone just long enough to type in the number before pulling it back to my ear and closing my eyes once again. It rang a few times before that sweet voice picked up.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Vantas?"

"Yes,"

"It's Sollux."

"Yes, I'm aware. Can I help you with something?"

My eyes closed tighter, and I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Actually… Could you be so kind to put Mr. Vantas on the phone?"

"I suppose I can, but dear, is something wrong?"

"No." I may have answered a little too quickly. I paused, taking a deep breath. "Just please put him on. I need to speak to him."

"Sollux-"

"Please." I snapped, holding back the harshness of my tone. "Put him on." It was stricken to a demand now, and she picked up on it.

With no further questioning, there was a shuffling sound before it picked back up clear. The low tone bellowed across the line.

"Sollux?"

I sighed slightly in relief though I wasn't sure why this man's voice brought a sudden grip to the earth.

"Yeah. I have some bad news, and I would have told Mrs. Vantas, but I know you'll have a more level head about this. And I couldn't really handle another person blubbering in my ear right now. Yes, I'm sure that sounds austere or mean or some shit, but I really just need to tell you guys this. But it's really hard and I'm not sure if I'll even be able to do this, and-"

"Son," I stopped speaking immediately as a sharp inhale washed through my throat. "Breathe."

And so I did. I let out the breath stretching my lungs and waited from my throat to open and words to escape.

"It's Karkat. He- he-"

"Sollux."

I stopped again. His voice had that magical quality. It could silence anyone even if there were mid-sentence.

"The doctor called us. We know about Karkat. It's okay." I let out another breath. "We know we haven't always reacted well towards your whole relation with Karkat in the recent past, so we didn't want to confront you after receiving news like this. But, we've had some time to take it in. We decided it would be best for you to come to us to talk about it, so we let you be. And yes, we are all very sad. I'm sure you are as well. But I personally want you to know, this time we blame nothing on you or the fact that he was living with you. Despite our words and actions of the past, we in no way think you were at any fault here."

My jaw clenched. I wanted to smile, but I simply couldn't. Not at a time like this.

"Alright, I'm glad." I replied quietly.

"Sollux,"

"Yes sir?"

"Are you okay?"

I paused. "No sir. I am most definitely _not_ okay."

Without giving him a chance to reply, I ended the call and stared at the screen. I waited for a moment before dialing another number and returning my phone to its previous position. It ringed so many times I almost hung up, but finally I was relieved to hear that slick voice.

"Sup Captor?"

"Dave…" I breathed slowly. Dammit my voice was shaking again.

"Something wrong?"

I wanted to tell him. I wanted to get it all out, but my throat was too tight. No words were escaping. I leaned forward, holding my head in my hand.

"Sollux?"

"I can't- Just… Fuck." I shook my head, hissing as a fist formed in my hair. "Dammit."

"Are you home?"

"Yeah, but…"

"I'm coming over."

"Dave no-"

Too late. My phone buzzed in my ear. I let out a long sigh before closing my phone and letting it fall to the couch. My other hand then dug into my eye. And I waited. I didn't move. I hadn't had the expectation of him coming over, but shit- it was too hard to talk any more. I really didn't want to say anything at all. Just give someone a look and explain everything. Never have to talk again. That would be wonderful.

But unfortunately I couldn't. And so soon enough I would be subjected to talk about it all again. I avoided the land mine with Mr. and Mrs. Vantas, and sure, it wouldn't be nearly as hard with Dave, but the entire time I would be fighting to need to have another fucking pathetic breakdown. Not in front of him. One of the many people I wouldn't allow that to happen before. Truthfully there was really only one person I would allow to see me like that, but since that one person just so happened to be the cause of my current state and the fact that he was presently laying in a hospital bed, I needed to stay completely collected.

I sat in silence until a knock at the door came. I pulled myself from the couch and wandered across the apartment. I opened the door and the light from the hallway flushed in. Dave stood in my door completely still and utterly silent. I stared back at his shades though my eyes occasionally wandered away but would soon return.

"What's up?"

And they averted again. I waited before finally bringing them back.

"Sollux."

I bit my lip before responding. My features deepened and my throat ran dry. "Karkat's in a fucking coma."

His brows rose over those shades, but he remained silent. Surprisingly, and without notion, he stepped forward and drew me into his arms. I didn't know how to respond to his tight hold, so I simply stood there and let it happen. But then I couldn't take it. My mind was shouting, but my muscles weren't listening. They made my arms rise and clutch on to his back. My head fell into his shoulder and I shook in silence.

At this point I didn't care who it was. I really just needed a hug. It's funny how much a little thing can do. Anyone could be holding me right now I merely desired something to anchor myself to the ground. As everything felt as if it was slipping away, I at least needed to keep my feet glued to the floor. I lost track of how long we stood there until I felt a pat on my back. I pulled away and stepped to the side, scratching the back of my head.

"I guess… just come on in."

He gave a short nod before moving in and straight over to the couch. I shut the door and followed after him, occupying the seat beside him.

"So what happened?" He asked, setting himself back against the cushion.

I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and twiddled my fingers. "From a voicemail he left me and what the nurse told me, he was at the store getting some groceries and he collapsed. I guess the people there called for an ambulance and from there he was taken to the hospital. The doctor said he had some internal bleeding. When I got there… I was able to talk to him, but the doctor said he needed surgery immediately." My eye clamped shut again. "God, they said it wouldn't be bad. That they could easily fix it, but when they stopped the bleeding and cleaned everything up, something apparently screwed up in his brain. Some sort of stroke or something- I don't know. The next thing I knew they were telling me they had to put him in some coma just to keep him alive." The shaking started again; this time in my shoulders and it worked its way down. "I went back and there were all these tubes and wires everywhere, and they had to set up that machine that breathes for you. I couldn't even say anything. I took one look at him and felt like throwing up. It was too much at one time. So I just up and left. Like always. There goes Sollux the fucking coward who runs away from anything that scares him or stresses him out. Can't rely on that guy, no sir. God dammit. And now I'm stuck in the circle of rambling thoughts, and they just won't stop. I want them to stop." My hands pulled at my hair again. "Fuck, just make them stop."

A strong hand landed on my back.

"Sollux, calm down. It'll be okay."

"You don't know that!" I snapped back.

Why was I shouting? What was this defensiveness? I didn't want it to come out, but at the same time I couldn't stop it.

He retracted his hand with a sigh. "You're right. I don't. But acting like this isn't going to get you anywhere."

"Better than not showing any fucking emotion at all." I retorted with a layered tone of derision.

"That's not your place to speak. And besides, I'd rather be emotionless than hanging on the edge of sanity."

"I am completely and rationally sane."

"Says the guy who only moments ago was pulling his hair out over someone who isn't even dead."

"He may not be dead, but he's not especially alive right now either."

"Doesn't matter."

I ignored that comment. "Why are you here?"

"Because you sounded upset." He muttered, stuffing himself further in the couch.

I sat up a little, looking over my shoulder. "Exactly. And yet when I tell you why, you practically mock the way I'm acting. So what? I have emotions. Are you telling me you wouldn't act like this if it was John?"

His head turned away. "That's not the point."

"See, right there. Oh sure if it's someone else, there's something wrong with it, but no- If it's Dave then every fucking rule just no longer exists."

"You know you're being a little bitch right now."

"Oh excuse me Great Strider! I wasn't aware that speaking my mind would offend you and your dainty little feelings so much."

He pushed from the couch and stood abruptly. "You know what, fuck you." He started to walk to the door with a disgruntled growl.

"Right back at you." I hissed, sitting back. "Don't let the door hit your egotistical ass on the way out."

He turned slightly to flip me off, but before I could return it, the door was slammed shut, and the apartment was silent. I slumped back with an elongated exhale.

"Fuck." I whispered into the darkness.

Why was I like this? First my emotions took me on a path of pity and insufferable babbling, but just when things could have picked up; I went and pissed off Dave. Given it wasn't very hard to do; it probably wasn't the best thing to do in this situation either. Now I was alone once again. And when I was alone, my thoughts were the hardest to deal with. There was no outlet when I was by myself; no way to think of anything else but the things that haunted me most. And right now the fact that I was alone was the very thing I was scared of. On any other night, right now I would be with Karkat. We would be watching t.v. or reading or talking. Anything but sitting alone in the darkness. I already missed him too much. It hadn't even been one day and I missed his voice and his smile and his laugh. Everything that could easily pick me up was gone. I wanted it all to go away. Back up a day or two and make sure this never happened. I knew it was impossible though. I couldn't get away from it now. I was stuck here and Karkat was stuck in his coma till he woke up. _If _he woke up.

And that is the single thought that scared me the most.

What if he never woke up? What if he spent the rest of his life in a coma until we had to take him off the ventilator and he escaped for good? What miserable existence. He was only 20. That's too damn young to be stuck in a coma until you die. And yet that's what had happened. They couldn't bring him out of it and he wasn't going to wake up for some time. I was so terrified that I'd never talk to him again. Sure I could go see him. Sit by his bed and hold his life less hand, but what was that? Nothing but a hope filled patience running thin. My mind was already wavering enough, I don't know if I could handle sitting by him and wishing for him to wake up only knowing he probably won't. The thought alone killed me; let alone the action.

Now my head hurt and my throat was still dry. My chest ached, my eyes still red. I leaned forward again and stood. My feet moved while my mind still raced. I wanted it to stop moving. I wanted my thoughts to become silent and the pain to just stop pounding its way through my entire body. So I did what I knew best. What I had an amazing talent for.

I made a mistake.

I fumbled into the kitchen and opened the cabinet below the sink. The clanking of glass was followed by my hand pulling out a large glass bottle by the neck. Once out, I kicked the door shut and made my way back over to the couch. With a huff, I slumped down, opened the cap, and tossed it across the room. There would be no need to find it later. I stared at my old friend Jack as the amber liquor sloshed from side to side. If I could have, I would have smiled. Just the thought of everything going away made me a little relieved.

I tilted my head back and the bottled went with it. The smoothness coated my throat and loosened my muscles. It forced me to relax when I simply couldn't.

In no time, my mind was wiped blank. The empty bottle tumbled to the floor, thankfully without breaking. My head was against the back of the cushion, but I couldn't see. The room was darker now that the night was in full swing, and my vision was blurred and shaky.

But my mind was clear and that was all I could care about. No matter how thick my tongue was or how slurred my incoherent mumbles came out, every thought that had burdened me was gone. And I gave a half-hearted, drunken smile to the ceiling.

That smile was short lived.

Because this is where it began; the down fall of it all. With this one decision my whole fucking life was about to go downhill. Everything slipped away. Without a second thought I brought back my old habits. The ones that had made my life shit, but also the ones that made me let go. The alcohol shrouded doubt as the smoking clouded my judgment. My contact with practically anyone escaped me, and I really only made it out to wander to some bar or waste my time at a job that paid too little. With school being out, I had nothing to do during the day but work, and nothing to do at night but drink. And that's all I did. I let it all go. Every piece of happiness and stability were somehow stripped from me. The left me bare and filled with scared anger. So I did all this to try and make them go away. Try and find some sort of routine and structure. Even if this structure was built on the shaking legs of a barstool and topped with the puffy, grey smoke of my cigarettes, it was still more than I'd have without it.

But it didn't fix anything. No matter how much I tried or how many times I told myself I was okay, I wasn't. But I couldn't find the energy to care. I couldn't get out of it now. I wallowed in my pity and drown myself in the liquor.

Every night I thought of Karkat. Every time I sat with my face plunged in the toilet, heaving my guts, I would think about how ashamed he would be. How sad and depressed he would look down on me because I had let myself drop so low.

This fact only made things worse. It only made me do these things more. I cursed myself. I drank more. I smoked more. I hated myself even more.

I still loved him so much, but I could no longer hold onto any shred of sanity.


	40. Chapter 40

From that point, the days moved in a blur. A world of glass bottles and that porcelain beast hidden in the darkness of the bathroom became my only friends. Well those, and the motionless body of the man I still so deeply loved. It was that love that struck me with such blind fury and incurable disdain for the world. At night I would lay alone in my bed and let the space beside me grow cold. When I did have free time, and I wasn't hung over or drunk, I would always find the time to go to the hospital. It pained me to do it, but I couldn't keep myself away. I told myself from the start it would be too hard to go and sit by Karkat, but I did it anyway. I would stay there, holding his cold hand and staring at his face that never changed. All his features stayed relaxed and painless. So I would sit there and watch him, occasionally talking.

Alright, not occasionally.

I talked to him every time I went. It didn't matter what we- no, I, talked about. Whether it was what I had done that day or anything and everything I thought and felt, it just relaxed me to be able to talk to him. Even if he never talked back, sometimes that was better. It was always better until the one time I had wanted nothing but to hear his voice.

It was going as always until the doctor entered the room. I looked up to find a bright smile perched on his face as I released Karkat's hand and turned to face him. That was just how he was. Always happy. I suppose that was better than a somber doctor. Though sometimes it felt a little forced. Either way, it was relieving to see him happy. Last time I'd seen his face was the night this all started, and I hadn't exactly left on the best terms. But he was still as jolly as ever. He sauntered over to me, pulling his glasses off and pulling a small piece of paper from his pocket.

"Good afternoon Mr. Captor. How are you?" He asked, his voice rising and falling with every small inflection of his jocular manner.

I glance back to Karkat, but then looked him straight in the eyes. "I'm okay I suppose."

"Well that's better than bad!" He chuckled loudly before blinking. I guess he remembered the reason for coming. "Well, since I haven't seen you since that one night, I never had a chance to give you this. You left too quickly and I really didn't trust anyone else with this. It's pretty important- well, it'll be important to you." He extended his hand, the small piece of folded paper hanging lightly from the ends of his fingers.

I reached up, taking it just as he turned to walk away.

"Hey Doc-" He turned back around, and I looked up from the paper in my hand to his face. "What's on this?"

He simply shrugged and turned back around. "Your friend spent quite some time and most of his energy writing whatever it is he did. Before he began to really slip under, he handed it to me and said to make sure you got it if he didn't make it through and to rip it up if he did. He also told me to let no one, not even me, see it." He looked over his shoulder. "Only you." With that, he let a small half-chuckle before turning and walking back down the hall.

My eyes fell to the paper, then up to Karkat before tumbling right back down. I carefully unfolded it and saw the slightly messy, but still legible, writing. It was obviously Karkat's hand writing. Was it bad that I knew that? I guess it couldn't be helped. I had seen it so many times. I sat back in the chair, beginning to read it and already dreading what it was going to say.

_Dear Sollux,_

_ Unfortunately if you're reading this, I'm probably not doing very well. Funny to think that this has even happened, right? Now, I don't exactly know what kind of condition I'm in, since I'm obviously not there, but there are a few things that need to be said. Also, my voice is going pretty fast so I probably won't be able to talk even if you do come. But I can tell you through this. I can tell you all the things I'm sure you're going to rush over and tell me as soon as the nurse calls you because I just can't get better. I can tell you how much I love you. And you know how sappy I am with this stuff. But you also know I don't really like to admit it. However, this time I'm going to fill this page with so much lovey shit that you will want to puke and get yourself checked for diabetes because this thing will be that damn loaded with my romantic crap. I warned you. But of course, you'll read it anyway. You'll look at every word and study its underlying meaning. One, because that's just what you do. You can't see something or hear something without analyzing every hidden aspect and when you're done with it, it's only a massacre of its former being. And two, because that's just how much you love me. You can't deny it, and I don't want you to. I love you too. I never want to take those words back, and when I do see you, if I can, I will make those the last words you hear leave my mouth. If you do have to hear my final words tonight, I want it to be those three. I hope they were. If that doesn't mean something, then I don't know what's important anymore. Fuck all those people that look down on us. The one that call us names and give us dirty looks. Never pay attention to them. I'm happy. That's all that I should care about. Isn't it? I should know that my last few months were the best I had ever lived through. I got to love and be loved back. Isn't that all anybody needs? Just some time to find that one person who can make them feel so good. I guess it was only a bonus for me that that person was my best friend. I'm considered a lucky one right? I get the best of both. Lucky. Right. I'm lucky to have to deal with a tight-assed geek who can't keep his sarcasm in his throat for one second. He's hot headed, short tempered, and irrational. But I love him. I really do love you. How many times have I said that now? Not enough probably. I could never say it enough. Even watching all those movies hasn't prepared me for the amount of feelings that this actually gives a person. You can see other people going through it and think 'oh that's nice', but when it happens to you, it's completely different. It's so much better. Oh god, alright, I need to stop this before I break down like a pansy ass or some shit like that. Just, if you do read this, know that I love you and I would do anything to be there with you. Don't forget how much I care for you. I like every single thing about you. Even your flaws. I would take all the burden if I could. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to be angry. Just remember the good times, alright? I'll always be there for you; even if it's not physically. Don't worry; I'll be alright if I go, and I hope you will be to. Don't forget me, and don't forget that you can be happy. I love you with all my heart. _

_-Karkat_

Half way through reading it, I already couldn't help let the few subtle tears that came, run off my nose and hit the paper. I also couldn't stop smiling. I felt sad, in more way than one, but that smile never left my face. It was planted nice and firm on my quirked lips as my hands shook and I laughed from the pain. I genially laughed. I took the letter, folded it, and stuck it in my pocket. From there my hand moved without thought and grabbed his hand. I sat back up, hunching over the side of the bed. I brought his hand up into both of mine and leant my head against the fists formed while I clutched on.

"I love you too, you idiot." My grip tightened as another pathetic little cry broke through my voice.

Why did I always have to cry? I wasn't this weak. I had never been the one to shed a tear before I met him. I couldn't even remember the last time I had cried since this had all started. And yet here I was, sitting and sobbing by my comatose boyfriend only holding back enough not to scream. He told me not to be sad, but how could I not? I had already run through these thoughts a thousand times in my head. Even when the alcohol clouded everything, my mind was the one thing that couldn't be completely wiped. There was always that one part that never stopped moving. It whirled and threw these words around like leaves in the wind.

Before I could think about it anymore, my phone began to buzz. I let go of Karkat's hand, wiping my eyes, before pulling my phone out and flipping it open.

_HeY mOtHeR fUcKeR wHaT'S uP_

_Eh, hey gamzee._

_Not much_

_Ju2t at the ho2piital_

_Oh YeAh. i HeArD aBoUt KaRkAt._

_SoRrY bRo :O(_

_Iit'2 fiine. 2o anyway, how are you?_

_AmAzInG. Me AnD tAvBrO aRe HaViNg a PaRtY tOnIgHt._

_YoU sHoUlD cOmE :O)_

I glanced over to Karkat before typing my reply and shutting my phone.

_2ound2 great. ii'll be there later toniight_

Before I knew it, I was in my truck and on my way over to Gamzee's. He had long wanted Karkat and I to come over, but Karkat never was one for parties and I knew if I went I'd get drunk and that'd only piss him off. I never really wanted Karkat pissed at me. As many times as I had done it, you'd think I would have gotten used to it. But I never did. But seeing there was no way he'd find out, I didn't think anything of it. I weighed my odds of go home and get drunk by myself, or go to a party and be surround by a bunch of other drunken assholes. And hey, they say things are always better in a group.

Within a few knocks on the door, it swung open and that familiar, tall, and lanky guy smiled back at me.

"Hey bro, come on in!" He swung back from the door, messy and thick hair shrouding most of his face.

I stepped in the door the thick smell of alcohol and smoke coating me immediately. I couldn't have felt better. It relieved all the stress as I took in a deep breath. I had long gotten used to the polluting smog, accepting now as its own kind of therapy. I continued walking in before another familiar face met mine. From back in the crowd wheeled up yet another forgotten friend.

"Hey Tavros." I waved, but he just returned it with a slightly awkward smile.

"Uh, hey Sollux."

"Isn't this party motherfucking awesome?" Gamzee drawled as he came up from behind me and slung an arm over my shoulder. "Tav and I decided it would be a nice thing to do since he moved in."

"Yeah," I looked around at all the people, the loud music, and the immense smell of only god knows what. I suddenly registered the latter and glanced over my shoulder. "Oh so you two finally making things that official?"

He nodded, standing up straight and waltzing over to lean on the back of Tavros' chair. "Figured why not. We both got our motherfucking feels all up in knots. Better to have them under the same roof."

I chuckled lightly. "Yeah I guess. Well, it's just wonderful that you guys sacrifice your house to the torments of smelling like booze and smoke constantly. Given it's not so much a bad thing, rather just an inconvineiance sometime."

He stared at me for a second before laughing and shaking his head. "I'm going to be honest with you. I have no fucking idea what you just said, but hey- enjoy yourself."

I nodded again with a smile and he wheeled Tavros back into the kitchen. I wandered over to a large table that had filled every inch with bottles and assorted cups. I soon found myself walking around making the occasional conversations but mainly keeping my mouth on the rim of my glass.

Soon enough, I lost track of the time. I lost track of where I was, and I lost track of what I was doing. The smell, the music, and the lights all blended together. Next thing I knew, I was sitting on the back porch, staring at the night sky with a cigarette between my lips and a glass hanging in my hand. My head was pounding in cycles as the soothing mellowness of whatever I had been drinking would wash over and replace the pain. I took in a long drag before letting my head fall back against the wall. I exhaled slowly with closed eyes.

"Can I bum one?" A voice asked as I felt the warmth of a body slide down the wall beside me.

The smell was oddly familiar. A mix of fancy cologne and fresh shampooed hair only masked by the pleasant reek of alcohol. The voice also held a seemingly recognizable tone. It was masculine, but still a tad feminine. And that accent. It was almost Ir- oh god no.

My right opened, glancing to the side. I instantly sighed with a stifled groan.

_Eridan fucking Ampora._

Goodbye calm. Goodbye tolerance. Goodbye any hope of being happy tonight.

Reluctantly I held the box and two ringed fingers plucked one from the box.

"Thanks."

I simply nodded, pulling my lighter from my pocket and handing it to him as well.

I really didn't like this guy. I had only met him a few times, but he was annoying and fake as fuck. Not to mention he completely blinded Feferi with his sappy bullshit and dramatic wooing.

Feferi.

Just then I noticed he was alone, and that I hadn't seen Feferi in the crowd at all. It was unlike her to not come to something this loud, especially if he was here. I decided it was time to do a little prying.

"Tho-" _Damn you, you fucking lisp._ "how are thingth with you and Feferi?"

An immediate string was hit as he visably crumbled a little. "Things w-with her didn't w-work out v-very w-well."

"Told her girlth can't have relationthipth with gay guyth."

"I'm not gay!" He protested immediately.

"You can lie all you want Ampora. You like men and men alone."

"Do not! I could like both if I w-wanted."

"No you can't." I replied quickly.

"But you do." I rebuted.

I stopped, turning my head and opening both my eyes back. "Huh?"

"I'v-ve heard some things about you hav-ving a boyfriend of your own."

My brows quirked up. "From who?"

He began to twist a few of the rings with a carefree, nonchalant shrug. "Just some people. I'm guessin it's true then?"

I let out a sigh. "Doeth it matter? I can have a boyfriend and still like girlth."

"But you just said I can't."

I nodded. "That'th right. _You_ can't."

"W-well you had flings w-with Fef too!"

I simply nodded again with a light shrug. "Yeah, but that wath different."

"How-w?" His voice started to rise again, but it was interrupted by a hiccup. "How-w is that any different?"

I stared at him blankly. "Ever heard of a magical thing called 'being bithexual'?"

He scoffed with the roll of his eyes. "So it's okay for the high an mighty Sollux Captor to be the o' so glorious bisexual, but no one else?"

"Not true! I can find both attractive. Anyone can for that matter. Anyone, but you. Becauthe you jutht thcream gay."

"Nyeh whatev-ver, you'd just fuck anything w-with a body."

I paused for a moment but in the end just shrugged. "That'th bethide the point."

He blinked, looking almost surprised. "So you don't deny your man w-whore-ishness?"

"Nope. Can't deny thomething that'th obviouthly true." A small, drunken chuckle slipped past.

"Fuck- hav-ve you ev-ver ev-ven heard of commitment?"

This struck something in an odd place. I fidgeted against the wall a little and glanced down at my lap. "Of courthe I have dumbath… I gueth technically I'm in a committed relationthip right now-"

His brows shot up but immediately furrowed. "W-well then how-w can you be actin' like this?"

My anger flickered and caused my voice to flare out. "Well it'th not like I can exthactly be with him right now! He'th in a fucking coma, tho exthcuse me for not knowing how to deal with that. Trutht me, I would love to be acting normal, but my mind apparently can't do anything but get drunk and thream at me for being thuch a lother right now. I mean come on- you'd think I'd be able to handle thith. It'th not like he'th dead or anything, but fuck, everythinth thcrewed up now."

"Sol?"

"What?" I snapped back, my head whipping around to stare him down.

"Are you saying that you'd basically hav-ve anyone here?"

The question hit me as something odd, but I just let my eyebrows relax a little. "Thudden thubject change?" I shook my head slightly. "Uh- anyway, I gueth. I mean, I'm pretty wathted off my ath right now, and given the fact that my emotionth have been practically tearing away at my thanity for a good two monthth now- yeth. Motht likely."

"Cod, do you ev-ven hav-ve standards?"

"Yes!" I barked almost defensively. "There jutht… vague and a little blurry right now."

"W-well w-what are they?"

I became confused, and I was sure my expression spoke for its self. "Why?"

"Just w-wonderin'…"

"Hell, I don't know… They have to be attractive…?"

"You're so shallow-w!"

I raised my hand, scooting back against the wall. "Hey! You athked!" My hands fell. "I gueth they don't _have_ to be attractive. But at leatht tolerable and a decent perthonality." I stopped there, shaking my head again. "Why doeth even matter?"

He stared back at me for a moment, obviously debating something in his mind. He bit at his lip, but suddenly acted on impulse. Moving to his knees, he lunged forward and grabbed my face in one of his ring covered hands. Pulling my face forward, he smashed our lips together. My eyes widened and I quickly pulling back, wiping my mouth.

"The fuck Eridan?" My voice cracked sharply and it came out as nearly a shriek.

He stared back at me, one hand still on my face and the other on the ground, holding him up.

"I hav-ve a body don't I?"

"Eridan…" I breathed out with slight hesitation.

"And you can't deny that you hav-ve to find me at least a little bit attactiv-ve."

I swallowed, my jaw clenching shut. Fuck my hormones.

"Sol-"

I eyed the scarf around his neck for a split second. It was summer why in the middle of fucking July was he still wearing that damn thing? I shook the question away immediately and took hold of it. Tugging on it roughly, he came forward again almost falling into my lap. Holding his weight on his knees, our lips met again maybe a little too roughly as our teeth clanked against each other. It hurt like hell, but at this point and with the amount of alcohol I had drank, I couldn't find the time to care.

He moved almost as quick as I did. Moving enough to crawl over top of me and sit himself in my lap. The scarf tickled my neck as his rings scratched at my face. The furiousness of our kisses only became more as he tore his hands from my face and moved down to carefully crawl up my shirt. His fingers tickled my skin and immediately lights went off in my head. My eyes shot open and my mind finally broke through the drunken haze. I couldn't do this. It was wrong in so many ways. My body wanted it, but my mind and my heart knew better. If Karkat found out, he would never forgive me. That was the only logic I needed. And so, I quickly pushed Eridan off me. Once his butt hit the ground, I scrambled to my feet, wiping my mouth.

"Sol…" He muttered.

He reached for my hand, but I just waved mine back at him and shook my head. "Shut up Eridan. Just- no."

I couldn't do anything but leave at that point. I made my way through the house, pushing past people in every direction. I left without saying goodbye to anyone. No thoughts of caution even entered my mind as I climbed in my truck. At this point I didn't care if I was drunk; I just wanted to go home. So I did. I drove all the way home. I don't even remember half the drive. I was just thankful I didn't crash. I made it home safely and I was soon climbing out of it and stumbling into my building. The dim lights led me to my room until I unlocked the door and walked in, trying not to trip on my feet. I shut the door, dropping my keys on the floor and moving through the darkness. I only took the time to kick off my shoes before collapsing on my bed. The pounding in my head only grew louder in the silence, my heart beating away in my throat. I felt disgusting between my actions and the taste of alcohol and smoke coating my throat. I knew the morning would be hell, but for right now I was just happy I got away.

I was happy I didn't let myself go completely.


	41. Chapter 41

After a day filled with a completely horrendous hangover, I finally recovered. It was early in the morning when I woke up. The head ache had subsided, and the light no longer hurt to look at. I made a quick bowl of cereal, swallowing mouthfuls upon mouthfuls quicker than I probably should have. I almost choked a few times, but overall the scarfing of food was only to account for the fact that I hadn't eaten anything but bland crackers the previous day.

Work came later, but I still had a few hours to kill. In the thought that I'd probably do nothing or something I'd regret in that little slot of time, I decided to busy myself with going to the hospital. With a change of clothes and the pointless brushing of untamable hair, I clambered in my truck and drove off.

Everything went as it usually did. I said hello to the familiar nurses and smile at the ones I hadn't seen before. I waved at the doc when we crossed paths in the hall. All was normal until I stepped into Karkat's room. There beside him stood a young woman. She was tall and pale with short, almost black hair and saddened, but still vibrant, green eyes. Her long skirt billowed to the floor and I could imagine how it would flow when she walked-

What? No.

Okay even that's too gay for me.

I shook my head before focusing back and clearing my throat.

"Uh, hello." I spoke up, voice a little uncertain.

She looked familiar, but I still couldn't exactly place her.

She turned, a faint smile gracing her lips. "Oh, hello. You're Sollux, correct?"

I stepped closer, nodding slowly. "Yes, may I ask who you are?"

"Of course. I apologize." Her hand extended. "I'm Kanaya."

I stared down at it for a moment, but in the end I took it and shook her hand politely.

"I hope I'm not intruding on anything." She continued as she moved back a bit.

"Oh," I paused, looking down to Karkat but then back up. "Not at all. I was just a little surprised to see some one knew here."

She nodded, her gaze eventually falling back to Karkat. "It's understandable. You seem to not remember me. No harm in that." She glanced up, still smiling. It bothered me a little that she could continually be smiling after seeing him like this. "You see, I've been a good friend of Karkat's for some time now. We met in elementary school, kindergarten to be exact, and I guess I was the only one who could tolerate his- personality."

I chuckled lightly. "Yeah, it's not an easy thing to do for most."

She shook her head. "Not at all, but I'm sure you know once he lets you in-"

"You're pretty much stuck." I finished for her.

She actually laughed and nodded. "Yes, exactly. Anyway, we stayed something close to best friends throughout elementary school and most of middle school as well, but I unfortunately had to move away for high school. We stayed in touch, but recently things have gotten so hectic. I guess I just wish I could've spent more time with him."

"He's not gone yet." I said, trying not to sound bitter at the fact.

She didn't seem to notice and merely nodded again. "I suppose you're correct. He seems to be doing just fine though." I opened my mouth to protest the obvious fact, but she beat me to it. "Of course I don't mean physically, but I get the feeling you come here often. If he has a friend that is as good as you, there isn't much better anyone could do."

My face darkened slightly. "Oh, I'm not that good anymore…" Between the overlying depression, drinking, and utter foul mouth tied together I truthfully wasn't good at all.

"Nonsense." She waved. "I'd consider myself lucky if I had a friend like you."

"No, really-"

"Hush." She then took one last look at Karkat and turned to me. Stepping forward, she patted my chest with a soft hand. "You're doing just fine."

It was like she could read my mind, my uncertainty, my self-loathing.

"Don't worry. I'm sure things will get better." She then brushed past me, but ended up turning around. Rummaging through her purse, she extended her hand again but this time pulled out a small card. "I would love it if you could let me know how he's doing every once and awhile." She then smiled that pleasant, motherly smile again. "It was nice meeting you Sollux."

I nodded, taking the card and pocketing it.

"You too."

From there I moved and sat down, taking Karkat's hand instantly and squeezing it tightly.

You're doing just fine.

Like hell I was, but maybe. Maybe it was time to start. Time to be that good friend; that good boyfriend. Not a pathetic mess, just someone who could hold him up even in this state.

It was decided.

That night when I went home after work, I just sat on my couch. I didn't feel like drinking, it was running my pockets dry. So I just sat with a few stray lights on. The t.v. was off, but I was lost in thought anyway. Well, I was until a knocking on the door kicked me out of said thought.

Pushing off the couch, I wandered over to the door lazily. I opened it to find that pleasant and all too forgotten smile. Her brown locks were beautifully flowing down and curling only to be held back at the top by a prim, white head band. Natural blush brushed cheeks and long eyelashes accented by clear hazel, almost auburn eyes. I couldn't help but smile back at her and feel my mood lighten immediately.

"Hi Feferi."

With those subtle words, she flew forward with her arms wrapped around my neck and her lips layering a soft, friendly kiss on my cheek. She fell back on her heels after a moment but kept her fingers laced behind my head.

"I've missed you Sollux. We haven't talked in so long."

I nodded, a little regretful. "I know. I suppose that's my fault."

"Not at all." She countered. "We didn't exactly leave on the best note. But now things are over with Eridan- I assume you know about that from my anything but pleasant conversation with him- I thought I'd come by and visit one of my best friends."

My mind immediately skipped to her inner comment. "He told you we talked?"

Her brows furrowed but only for a second before they lightened back. Her arms fell back completely to her sides and she looked around me. "Why don't we go inside to continue catching up?"

"Oh, of course." I spluttered before stepping back as she moved past me.

She was already sitting on the edge of the couch with her hands folded properly on her knees and crossed ankles by the time I had shut the door and placed myself beside her.

"So," I began, sitting back a little. "You talked to Eridan."

She nodded lightly. "I guess you're aware we broke up."

I returned her nod with my own, only adding a small sigh. "I told you-"

"I know, I know." She waved a delicate hand. "You warned me he was gay. I guess I just didn't care at that point. I really was a little lonely." An awkward laugh passed through her teeth. "Wanted someone to love, you know?"

"Feferi..."

Her head began to shake as her waving sped up. "No, don't worry about me. I'm fine now."

There was a silence. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but I soon realized I needed to be the one to break it.

"So have you heard about Karkat?" I asked slowly and maybe a little too quietly.

I knew she heard the immediate pain in my voice. She put her hand on my knee and gripped it tightly with a nod.

"From Eridan."

"How does he know?" I shot back.

"…You told him didn't you? At that party."

I shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know what I said at that party. Or did for that matter." It was true. I couldn't remember shit about that night. The only thing I could remember was pushing Eridan off me and driving recklessly home without a second thought.

"He said you kept blubbering about some guy in a coma and some sort of commitment." Then she gave me a shrug of her own. "I don't really know. We don't talk that much anymore, and when we do, it's not for long. Nothing compared to what we used to."

"Kind of like us." I retorted with a small laugh.

She chuckled nervously. "I guess so…" There was another long pause, but this time she ended it. Thankfully. "But that was the main reason I came here tonight."

"What was?"

"I wanted to be friends again Sollux. And not just passing friends, like real friends. We used to be so close. What happened?"

"Eridan. Karkat. School." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "There's a lot that came between us Feferi."

"Do you think we can return to the way it used to be?"

I thought for a moment, doubt clouding my mind only for a split second. Then I smiled.

It felt nice.

I flipped her hand over and took hold of it. "Of course."

She smiled sweetly back at me, shaking my hand before dropping it and patting my knee.

"Well I need to get home. I have some errands I need to get to tomorrow. I just really wanted to come see you."

She stood, and I followed. I walked her to the door, opening it for her. She walked out, but turned around just on the other side.

"Oh, and Sollux."

My brows quirked up as I stared back at her.

"Stop drinking. You're better than this."

And with that she turned and walked away. I was left almost speechless. For some reason, those words hit me with such a force.

Was that really all it would take? A few words from a friend. It had to be harder than that.

But it wasn't. Her words soaked through me and racked my core with realization.

I was better than this. Karkat wouldn't have stood for this, and neither can I. I'm stronger than I was acting. I have more will than to let myself slip like this. I had been doing so well, and this one hiccup in my life wouldn't make me lose myself completely. I wouldn't let it. It was time to pick myself up. It was the breaking point, and I was going to fly. I wouldn't fall off the cliff. I would let my wings break and soar. It was my life, and I needed to do what was best. So I cleaned myself up completely.

She had helped me, and I couldn't thank her enough.

And then I was running. Metaphorically and literally. Every day I began to run My legs couldn't carry me fast enough. My muscles were aching and my lungs were pounding, but I kept running. Running through the memories. Running away from my past self. Running towards a new beginning. Every step of the way I was reminded I needed to be better for myself, and I needed to prove to Karkat that I could survive. My legs were being swallowed by emotion. The thought of loving him made my chest ache. My ribs would crack soon, I could feel it happening. My lungs would surely collapse out of exhaustion. It wouldn't be long before my muscles gave in and I crumbled to the ground.

As if I wasn't already there.

Face shoved in the dirt and ears bleeding. Yearning. If only I could hear his voice. Fingers twitching just to feel his touch. Toes curling with the simplest thought of the hint of ecstasy he could bring to my entire body.

Was it bad to miss someone this much?

Was it wrong to have this strong of feelings?

Could I really love him through all the pain?

No, it was impossible to do anything but that.

It hurt so badly because I loved him. Of course I did. I always had in one way or another.

I guess that's why I was running. Every morning.

I ran.

I was proving to myself that I was better than the alcohol and smoke.

I was doing things my way now. Being my true self.

The drinking stopped. I cleared out my entire cabinet. The doors of the bars and liquor stores never opened to let me it. I wouldn't dare do it myself.

I couldn't take the taste of nicotine anymore. It made my stomach sick. Cigarettes were never something that brushed my lips now. The smoke never entered my lungs, and I didn't cough like I was dying.

I shouldn't use that analogy. It hits a little too close to home recently.

Speaking of that, I ran to the hospital too. It was usually where I wound up even if I hadn't meant to go there. It was a safe haven now. My sleeping beauty and me.

Damn you Disney.

But unfortunately, I couldn't save my princess with a true love's kiss.

I'm ashamed to say that I tried that in a moment of desperation.

But, to no avail, he didn't wake from that simplistic gesture of pointless hope.

I would go and sit every day, talking his ear off. I'm sure a few of the nurses thought I had gone insane. Thought I was hanging on to somebody without even the strength to breathe. But I didn't care. I didn't pay attention to the looks.

At least not too much.

I just continued to talk. He was still Karkat to me. Even if his eyes never opened and the rhythm that his chest rose and fell in never changed, he was the same person I had fallen in love with.

There was talk as the months went.

The months filled with more and more running.

The doctor began to become worried for me. Not for Karkat's state but _mine_. He told me he had seen people waste their entire lives waiting for someone to wake up. He didn't want me to go through the same thing. Told me it might be easier to let him go.

Pull the plug. End the sadness.

Said I was too young to let my life slip by so miserably.

But he didn't understand what I did.

My life would be so much worse if I stopped everything now. It had been five months, but the amount of time didn't matter. I still loved him. It even surprised me. At first I was so scared the he would have slipped mind after a few months, weeks even. But no, the little asshole would never leave me alone. Every time I saw his unconscious face, I couldn't help but inwardly smile. He had saved me so many times, and it was my turn now. I needed to be the one to hold on and not give up.

So I didn't let the thought of ending his life even enter my mind. I expelled the notion immediately. The doctor only sighed, shaking his head. He gave me consent but that was all. As long as his parents and I continued to pay the medical bills, even as much as they were, they couldn't touch him without our word.

Once school started, most of my time not spent at the hospital or doing my infernal running was spent studying. I was a junior now and classes had never been harder. It kept me preoccupied though. Gave me less time to think, and stripped me of free time that I would most likely use to slip back into the damned old habits.

Another good six months passed, April now, but still not much changed. I kept in touch with Feferi more than anyone. I hadn't seen Dave since our fight the night of Karkat's final incident and John hadn't really talked to me much in the first place. I steered clear of Gamzee because of obvious drinking related issues, and I only spoke to Kanaya every once and a while to keep her posted about Karkat.

With Feferi though, things fell back into the same pattern they had when were in high school. She had been my best friend back then, well, other than Karkat, and I was just glad to have her back. She had helped me greatly out of my rut and I couldn't thank her enough. Sadly, I had forgotten how much I enjoyed spending time with her. Her chipper attitude and optimistic outlook picked me up only to be dragged along by that sense of humor I couldn't get enough of. She was so spastically oblivious sometimes, and it made me laugh.

She truly was a wonderful friend.

I loved her. Not in the same way anymore of course. Loved her like a sister.

I loved her like a gay guy could love a girl.

I also came to terms with that whole gay thing.

Look at that, I guess Eridan was right.

I kind of lost interest in girls completely. I never found myself checking them out or anything. I suppose it was partially because I was miserably and hopelessly in love with a man who was stuck in a coma, but that was really beside the point.

My life was going absolutely fine, other than the fact of the nostalgic melancholy still looming over me whenever I saw Karkat's face. But everything else was just- alright. I was finally alright again.

I had Feferi to bring me up from my dark days. I still had the chance to talk to Karkat even if he didn't talk back. My body for once wasn't as pathetic as it always had been.

Hot damn I finally had muscle.

I couldn't believe it. My bony ass wasn't as bad anymore. The muscle kind of evened everything out.

I guess the running for almost one year straight wasn't such a bad thing.

With all those things squared away, something just had to mess it up. Didn't it?

I was on my usual route one afternoon when an unexpected happening occurred. I had just visited the hospital and now I was on my way to get a little coffee. My running slowed to a leisurely jog as soon as the shop entered my vision. Even if they had fired me all those months ago, I, of course, still graced them with my presence. I wiped the sweat, inevitable brought by the spring warmth, from my forehead as I stepped through the door and heard the familiar ding. Walking up to the counter, I noticed immediately a former co-worker of mine, but we simply smile and went along with the routine.

We said hello, asked how each other's days were going then I ordered my usual.

Mocha and chocolate lattes had to be about the best thing on this planet. Even if I was hot, I really just needed some caffeine. I paid and waited over at the small counter, tapping my fingers lightly on the plastic rim. I hadn't expected what happened next in a million years.

"Sollux?"

This familiar voice struck me motionless. No it couldn't be who I thought. My fingers stopped their small dance and my eyes only narrowed in thought and curiosity.

Eventually, a hand rested on my shoulder, and I moved as it guided me around. I breathed out a smile. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. It had been so long, I had almost forgotten his voice.

The smallest smile was returned to me. No, it wasn't a smirk- It was an actual smile.

My response came out in almost a whisper as I exhaled deeply again.

"Hey, Dave."


	42. Chapter 42

**Sorry this is little overdue guys. I've been swamped and haven't had much time to write, but I managed to finish it. So, enjoy!**

**Warning: … smut :U Yeah- I did it again. Ooops.**

…**. Please don't hate me for this chapter …. :)**

* * *

><p>In a matter of minutes we had passed through a surprisingly normal feeling, quick hug, short pleasantries, and the small chuckles that came from both of us before we were sitting on a small bench outside the cafe.<p>

From there, our conversation that had previously been light and filled with us catching up on what had happened the previous year, suddenly became more serious. His voice didn't change much, but the hesitation he took in asking any question caught my ear.

"So," He paused, seeming to wait for something undetectable in the air to pass. "Is Karkat still... You know."

I nodded slowly, knowing we'd have to talk about it sooner or later. "Yeah."

"Sorry bro. That really sucks."

My nodded continue until I stopped it with a shrug. "Don't worry about it. I mean, yeah, it's really sad and I kind of can't make it stop bothering me, but I think I've finally accepted it."

"It must be rough."

I gripped my coffee a little tighter with both hands. My fingers curled around it letting the warmth rush into my palms. "It is, but it's better now. Things were awful, unbearable for awhile. I sort of broke down..."

He stayed silent for a moment. I could tell he didn't exactly know what to say next.

"You slip up some?"

"More than some." I replied with a quick snort. "Try more like a lot. A drunken asshole."

"So just like normal except you were drunk."

I layered a light punch on his arm but he just smirked and rubbed his shoulder.

I rolled my eyes, sitting back again. "I guess I'm all better now. Started running. It lets me clear my mind."

"I noticed." He remarked a little quiet.

"Noticed that my mind is clear?"

"No, that you're running."

I smirked widely, dipping a brow down. "Checking out my muscles Strider?"

"More like your running clothes Mr. Arrogant."

My head rose anyway. "Don't try to deny it."

He opened his mouth back, but ended up shrugging. "Yeah, I can't. Though it's a little sad."

"What is?" I asked, turning my head towards him.

"I can't make fun of how malnourished you look any more. I may even miss that bony ass."

"Eh, it's still there, maybe just a little less prominent."

"Well that's good I-"

Suddenly he jerked and began fumbling in his pocket. Pulling his vibrating phone out of his pocket, he unlocked it and held it to his face.

"Hello?"

"Yeah."

"I'm out."

"Where? Does it matter?"

My expression grew a little worried at the obvious annoyance that spat out when he spoke. His eyes were narrowed, and his face scrunched.

"Shit. Fine, just stop. I'm coming. Give me like fifteen minutes."

"I have to walk. That's why it'll take me a _whole_ fifteen minutes."

"Yeah- bye."

He hissed the final words before pulling the phone from his ear, locking it, and forcefully shoving it back in his pocket.

"God dammit." He whispered angrily. Standing, he turned back to face me. "Sorry Sollux, I need to go."

I nodded. "It's cool."

"I think we should do this again. It's been too long since we've hung out like this."

I let the faintest small pass. "Yeah, that'd be nice.

"Well, goodbye." With that, he turned back and waved over his shoulder as he walked.

I waved back even though his back was already turned. "Bye..."

Even if it had been a complete year since we had seen each other, it was like nothing had changed. We didn't once speak of the way we left things after our short argument that night, and instead we picked up our old friendship. Though this friendship was filed with insults and petty jabs, we had fun and the sarcasm was relaxing. Everything felt normal around Dave. Sometimes he was a little off, I could tell that much, but I also knew better than to pry. You simply don't drag the thoughts and emotions out of a Strider. You let them tell you, or things will only end up in passive anger.

So I left him alone and didn't once ask more than if he was okay. He always said he was, so I kept it at that. Other than that, everything was the same. It brought more balance back to my life which I greatly appreciated. Things had been flipped upside down ever since Karkat became the way he was, and ever since that night, I had only wanted a little normality to return.

And when it had, I made sure it didn't slip away again. We saw each other frequently over the weeks. It started out once a week, until about the middle of May. Summer heat was coming fast, but my running continued. A few times he came with me, keeping up quite nice. Told me he hadn't been much of a runner, but he still worked out now and then. Not like I hadn't noticed that before.

Other times, I would meet him somewhere and we'd catch lunch or just chat. And those once a week visits quickly became a daily thing. We began spending even more time together, but I didn't think anything of it. I enjoyed his company, so I didn't mind it at all. I was glad more than anything just to have someone else who acted the same as I did and relieved a little of the stress that the rest of my life bared down on me.

Normal conversation ensued as always, but still I sensed something odd in his voice. It was worse than usual; more refined and unbelievably close to sounding hurt. Still on that day, in the middle of speaking, the rain hit. Summer showers were something I had come to love and hate. I loved them because they could always cool me off. Running through the light showers was invigorating and made me feel alive again. But other times I hated them. They made me drenched and my hair always stuck to my face. It was easy to see when I had glasses in normal weather, but the rain only clouded them and made my vision blurry.

This was a time to hate it.

We both immediately sprung to our feet, staring at the sky with disdain. I pulled an arm across my forehead to shield my eyes.

"My place?" I almost shouted, trying to be heard over the immense splatting of rain against the concrete.

He nodded, though I could barely see it. "It's closer." He replied quickly, and the dashing began.

We didn't waste time to debate. Feet were splashing through quickly forming puddles, chests heaving and a race had begun without a word. We were swerving around things and jumping over anything in our paths. The small park passed by and soon enough the buildings were flying past. People rushed by with umbrellas and hoods, but we continued on while trying our best not to run into them. Before anytime at all, my apartment building came into view. We rushed into the door, but the running didn't stop there. We were darting up the stairs; taking on two at a time and hoping to god we didn't trip. Once at the top, I managed to push from the step and get a few feet on him, touching the door before hunching over. I was desperately trying to catch my breath, but the laughter that was flying out wasn't helping too much.

I hadn't laughed like this in too long.

He made his way behind me, hand resting on my back as he struggled to breathe as well. I stood back up with a large grin, chest still puffing. "First." I whispered, utterly breathless.

"Who said we were racing?" He retorted after he gained enough to speak.

"Didn't need to be said." I said simply, key sliding in the door and turning just before I kicked it open.

He walked in after, but I turned and hung around the counter to get a glass.

"You want something to drink?" I asked over my shoulder.

"Water's fine." He muttered, a thick linger of distraction in his voice.

I paid no attention to it and instead, filled two glasses from the tap; because I'm just that fancy. Once they were both full, I spun on my heels and walked over. I was stopped mid-stride with the sight of Dave intently reading a piece a paper from over his shades. I slammed the glasses on the table, rushing over to snatch the paper from his fingers without a second thought. He wretched his hands back, holding a finger.

"The fuck man." His voice rose, brows furrowed. "You just gave me like a million ass paper cuts!"

"You don't just pick stuff up and start reading it!" I shouted back.

He seemed to not notice my shout and just turned his eyes back to the paper still held in the air. His hand moved for it again, but I simply jerked my arm higher in the air. I was a little taller, so I could manage to get a few inches on him and hold it just out of reach.

His arms fell back down as he gave up, gaining slight indifference. It still wasn't enough to let it go completely. "What is it? I didn't even really read any of it."

"Just a letter…" I turned around and began folding it back up. "From Karkat." My voice was dropping, but as I crossed the room and placed it on the table, it picked back up. "He wrote it just before they took him into surgery."

Dave fell silent, but he soon let out a long sigh. "Hey man, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"How could you have?" I shrugged, turning back around.

There was a moment of silence and blankly staring at each other before his arms moved away from his body and hung awkwardly in the air like a scarecrow. "Eh, anyway- you have a shirt I could borrow? I'm pretty wet."

"Oh yeah. Hold on." I moved back in my room, trying to find anything that would fit him.

I eventually settled with two old t-shirts of mine and stripped myself of my own before walking back. Finding him tossing his wet shirt to the floor, I couldn't help but snort lightly.

"So, this is the second time now that you've come here and somehow managed to end up shirtless in my living room?"

He turned back around with a smirk, one brow raised. "Shut your mouth Captor, or I will make the same shit that went down last time repeat itself."

I just chucked the shirt at him with a laugh cut short. "What shit? There was what, one tiny, dainty kiss and then we went to sleep. Oh my Mr. Strider, that is some pretty serious shit right there."

"Oh but it is."

"Really now? How so?"

He stared at me for a moment before flicking a hand. "Not important."

"You just can't think of anything." I mused with a grin.

"Also not important." He commented, shrugging apathetically.

"Have I finally rendered the great Dave Strider void of any formal comeback?" My eyes widened the sarcasm and mockery flying freely from my mouth. "I'm amazing!"

"Shut your goddamn mouth Captor." He replied rather curtly.

"Make me." I countered. The seriousness in my voice even surprised me. What was that about?

No- wait. What was this about? Why is he moving closer? He was taking his shades off. Fuck, he never does that unless he's serious. Why does he have that look? Oh shit, I've seen that look. I _know_ that look. I know what's going to happen. When did he drop his shirt? When did _I _drop my shirt? Fuck. No, this is going to be very bad. Why aren't I moving? Goddammit move Sollux.

Too late.

Before an objection could pass my lips, they were captured. It was just like last time, but this time, neither of us pulled away. We didn't end up laughing at how stupid and silly it felt.

Because that wasn't how it felt now.

It had been a year since I had felt lips on my own. Couldn't say I didn't miss the feeling. I really did. I didn't exactly know what Dave was going through with John, but it didn't seem good. He barely talked about him, they never spent time together, and now all that time was spent with me. Plush those phone calls that he continually got- never was telling me who they were from. I always had guessed it was John though. No one else has the guts or vibrato to talk to a one Dave Strider like he does. I had sensed something earlier, but I let it pass without the bat of an eye. I was just glad to have my friend back.

_Friend_.

Because that's what we were, right? We were friends that, you know, occasionally kissed- and other things… we can still be friends after that.

Though the problem was, I knew I couldn't be caught. There was no possibility what so ever that Karkat could walk through those doors. No matter what I did, he wouldn't know about it for some time. I had finally come to the realization that it could be years- heaven forbid never- that he awoke. I still waited every day, but still everyday my willingness broke down little by little. No, my love didn't fade, but I felt as if I was loving this hollow shell. It was leaving me feeling empty and my feelings unrequited.

That's why the letter was out in the open. I had to have read it a thousand times. No matter what time it was, if I was feeling alone or down, I would read it and smile like a fool. That's how I knew I still loved him even now. Even as I felt a foreign tongue in my mouth, I knew I loved him. No matter where hands touched me, I couldn't think of anyone but him. Sure, it might be unfair, but it wasn't my fault he was the only person I could picture anymore. And that didn't change.

I could feel my feet moving back through my apartment and into the kitchen, but my mind was still lost in that familiar hospital room, clutching to the unconscious hand of a barely living Karkat. The kisses became more furious, and I knew I was kissing back, but it was all mindless and empty.

That's at least what I thought. That thought stayed until something else wiped it completely clean and blank with a bright white.

And then he was slamming into me; turned me around and pinned me against the counter with his hands on my hips and his lips on my neck. Since when was he in control? But more importantly, why was I letting him? Without trying to fight it, I allowed everything unfold not even giving opposition. I hunched over, my hands gripped the sink and my breath tumbled down the drain. My knees began to shake as his breath ghosted my skin and his hand slid around to my front, playing with anything and everything he pleased. It took all my restraint not to buck my hips right then and there.

I knew then, I had given in.

At first I had told myself I wouldn't let this happen, but I couldn't keep true to that anymore. It had been almost a year since I had had any physical contact. As always, there was no emotion behind, but I was still doing it. Once again, Dave had managed to pry me away from any promises to myself and strip me of everything I had held onto. This left me venerable and my will like putty in his hands. We were young, and sometimes this was just what your body needs to let loose. Let go of the pain and stiffness with sweat that drips drown your face, all over your body, and the little moans that crawl from your throat with their tiny fingers pricking every nerve as the go.

With my rain drenched shorts somehow around my ankles now, and the water still running from my hair and sliding down my back, I shivered in the cool air of my apartment. However, that shudder was cut off by another short groan. I just knew he was smirking against my neck as his one handed grip tightened. I tried to control my tongue, clenching my jaw to keep the embarrassing sounds from escaping my throat.

But he just kept drawing them out.

And they only came out louder as he thrust up and in, bringing his head back to hiss into the air. With each little movement, my muscles twitched with pleasure. It almost seemed wrong that this felt the way it did. Karkat had old me to move on if he didn't make it, but he wasn't even dead; _yet. _But also, this wasn't just anyone.

This was Dave.

That thought stuck with me. Dave had been the one to fight with me when I pushed him, apologize when he was wrong, and always seem to show up at the worst, but most convenient, times.

I guess this was just one of those times.

Then there was a whisper. It was faint, barely audible. It trickled down from his lips like rain. As the heat in the pits of our stomachs grew unbearable, his whispered only grew louder. I still couldn't make them out, and the buzzing in my ears from the sheer pleasure of having him inside me was making standing a very small priority. My legs wanted to give way, but I managed to stand. The twisting and squirming in my gut continued to rise and make me yearn for more until it was simply too much. As if on cue, in only a split second after him, the heat drained. Feeling the wet warmth shoot up through my body was enough to push me over the edge and the heat to empty into his hand.

Then I could clearly hear the word he had been whispering. It had risen to an almost shout as he began and trailing off his he rode it out. It was clear, but it didn't faze me. It was understandable what he shouted. And what I moaned in return was just as right. From his lips poured the lust filled call of a name.

_John_

I didn't even have time to think about that. In my mind, the body flush behind me hadn't been Dave from the start of this. And apparently I hadn't been who he was seeing either. Funny tricks the mind plays while in this state.

But truthfully before I could even stop myself, I mewled out _Karkat_ in return.

We heard each other. Both names registered in our minds and that these weren't the ones we were with, but we couldn't care at this point.

It was obvious our desire had been for the other two, but neither of those people were here. We were all each other had right now. The only way we could escape into our subconscious fantasies. And so, we made due.

And I think I was about to hate myself for it.

Still, he leant against me, bated breath puffing against my neck. I wanted to move, but I couldn't. My arms stayed straight while my grip loosened from the metal sink. I let out a shaking breath, letting my chest heave properly as he finally moved off of me. He stepped to my side, flicking the sink on with his wrist and washing his hand before stepping back and pulling his pants up. I took another deep breath, pushing away from the counter and yanking up my own drawers before fastening the belt around my jeans.

Just as soon as that was done, I lifted my tucked chin to find Dave staring back at me. He had completely reverted back to that emotionless façade but there was still a fading blush across his cheeks. A wave of regret suddenly hit me. Apparently it came out in a visible grimace as I felt the corners of my mouth curve down and my brows furrow. His head tilted with a sudden curiosity.

"Somethin' wrong?"

I stared back, hands clenched into fists. "What'd we just do?"

"Well I don't know about you, but I just had-"

I waved my hands in the air, shaking my head. "No dammit. That's not what I mean. I fucking know _what_ we did, but it's not right. We said we were past this."

He merely shrugged, his hands pocketed. "Guess not."

"God this is even worse than last time."

"How so?"

"I have Karkat to think about- and I can't even tell him this time. And you with John-"

"Fuck John." He snapped harshly.

A very detectable anger hissed through his voice; it was unusual and caught me off guard. I stopped speaking, brows perching and my stare growing a little wider. His eyes had shot off to the side, bringing his head with them.

"Dave?"

He chuckled. It was uncomfortable sounding and forced. But still, his lips quirked up.

"The dork slipped one on the cool kid. Still can't believe it."

I paused as another laugh slipped. "You're not making sense."

His head rose back, eyes burrowing deep into me. They were filled with remorse even with the faint smile ghosting his lips.

"I was dumped by fucking John Egbert."


	43. Chapter 43

I stood dumbfounded for a second. His bare eyes baring down on me and striking me motionless. That sad hint of a smile quickly dissipated into a more hurt expression as the truth finally came out.

"Is it bad that my first reaction was to come here?"

His voice was so unnerving. I almost couldn't take it. I could hear the pain dripping down from it, and from that I knew it was bad. He would never have such inflection and emotion in his tone unless it was serious.

"I- I guess not… I mean, you don't really have anywhere else to go, right?" My words fumbled out, but they came none the less.

He shook his head very slowly. "Not if you don't count my car or my sister's place."

"Well…" I trailed off, speechless again with the utter lack of words for the situation. It was unexpected and I was unprepared.

The silence dragged on, and I knew he was growing uncomfortable at that fact. He was soon slipping on the shirt from the floor and brushing his hair to the side. "Just forget it. I'll get this shirt back to you some time. I can call Rose. I'm sure she won't mind me crashing at her place for a few days."

He was already walking past me and opening the door before I snapped back in and whirled around. Stepping forward, I hastily grabbed his wrist. He looked over his shoulder, body half turned as I let go and stood back up straight.

I pocketed my hands after clearing my throat with a fist to my mouth. "You can stay."

He stared back at me for a second, adjusting his shades with one hand. "Hmm?"

"Here." I continued, my eyes looking everywhere but his face. "I guess you can crash here until you find somewhere else to stay…"

"You sure bro? I don't want to impose." Thankfully, his tone was back to normal and it was making this a lot easier.

I nodded, eventually looking back at him. "Yeah. Maybe having a roommate for a little bit will help get my life back to normal." What a complete fallacy.

He merely smirked back at me and punched my shoulder.

He walked past me and moved into the living room. I followed after him, shutting the door which he had opened and sitting beside him on the couch. The rain had calmed a little; now it was settling into a soft patter against the dimly lit window. Night was falling quickly, the sun already setting.

I had flicked the t.v. on, sitting back against the cushion. We watched it in brief silence until I couldn't stand it any longer.

"So what happened?" I blurted out, unexpectedly.

It seemed to startle him a little. He didn't physically flinch, but he took a deep breath and paused a few seconds before speaking.

"What do you mean?" Obvious avoidance of the topic.

"You know what." I replied without any change in my tone. "Why did John break it off?"

He remained silent, hands gripping his knees. His teeth gritted to an audible point until he forced himself to talk.

"I don't know... I guess I saw it coming really. Not like I was very good to him. I mean, I was a pretty shit boyfriend. I probably would have dumped me too."

"You're not _that_ bad."

"Please," He breathed out with an uncomfortable laugh. "I was egotistical and crude. I fucking cheated on him, lied, and took him for granted. He's an extremely nice guy, and I took advantage of that. Believe me, I was a dick to John."

I moved my hand, rubbing the still slightly doused fabric of my shorts.

"Did he ever try to talk to you about things?"

"Probably. Who knows?" He shrugged with a deep sigh. "I haven't exactly been spending much time with him lately. He began getting worried all the time and down my throat about things. He acted like he couldn't trust me anymore- I guess he really couldn't, bit still. I spent all my nights working at some clubs and bars, and I spent the days, well-" He broke off, scratching the back of his head. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter and a little more reserved. "I wanted to spend more of my time with people I could be myself near. Throw jokes and insults around without having to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. Someone who knew me and actually like being around me." He pushed his shades up his nose, his hand eventually moving to rub his neck. It was weird hearing him talk this much. I don't I had ever before. He almost never spoke in this sort of wordy behavior, and I knew that he must really be shaken up inside. "Fuck I feel like a girl right now. Shit- I'll just say it. I really just wanted to spend my time with you."

This caught me off guard. My ears grew hot as his words burned through them. "Dave..."

"I know." He cut me off again, waking his hand. "Dave Strider has emotions. It's a fucking unbelievable occurrence. Why don't you just call up my Bro right now so he can beat the ever loving shit out of my pansy ass? Can't have me feeling anything, can we? Nope. Just keep me completely blank and stoic. I-"

"Dave." I said, not too loud, but loud enough to snap him out of his rambling and grab his hand.

He stopped immediately, staring straight at the ground but flipping his hand over to squeeze mine back.

"I understand what you mean. I think you staying here will be a good thing. For both of us."

I gave his hand a final grip before letting go and patting his knee. "I'm going to go to bed. You can sleep on the couch. Hope it's not too uncomfortable."

"Better than my car or under Rose's reign of psychoanalysis." He commented with a snort.

I chuckled lightly in return after I had stood. "Goodnight Dave."

"Night bro." He replied with a joking salute that I caught very briefly as I turned the corner into the hall.

I shook my head a little, a definite smile plastered on my face. When I slipped in my room, I couldn't help from laughing quietly to myself and shaking my head.

I was starting to believe that having him here might be a good thing.

_Maybe._

Slipping off the damp shorts and discarding the t-shirt, I jumped across the pile of clothes, sliding into my bed wearing nothing but my boxers. With the covers pulled up to my chin on either side, I snuggled down and closed my eyes. My thoughts traveled for a few fleeting moments, but they quickly faded and sleep pulled me away into the darkness.

* * *

><p>I awoke some time later. Silence broke through to my ears. My eyes cracked open, the sun blinding me and dashing its rays across my lashes until I brought my arm up over my forehead to shield my face. My other hand began to rub my eyes as I grumbled, still groggy with sleep. Reaching over, I slowly found my glasses off the empty sheet.<p>

Empty.

That's how they had been. More than one year without him beside me. More than one year without his arms wrapped around my back and his lips pressed against mine. My fist clenched tightly when the thoughts came. I always felt like crying when I thought about him, but my eyes were dry. The tears never came; they were all gone. My voice never hitched with broken sobs or shrieked with a sharp cry. I just stayed in complete silence and emotionless vacancy.

Just then, I felt a small shift on my stomach. In my sleep filled, half-awake daze, I glanced down to find another arm draped over me. I held both my hands away from my face, checking to make sure it wasn't mine and I wasn't dreaming. When it was clear it belonged to someone else and this was reality, I followed it down my side. The pale skin and very light dust of freckles should have given it away, but even then light blonde, almost white, hairs didn't do it. When the arm met with a shoulder, I finally found my chin tucked in as I stared down at the peacefully sleeping and twitching nose of Dave snuggled up against the side of my chest. My first reaction would have been to flip my shit, but something stopped me. His face was so relaxed and completely open. Shades discarded somewhere; his eyes were closed and looked soft just as did the slightly parted lips he was breathing through. My hand moved painfully slow as I brushed his bangs to the side with the back of my thumb. This caused his eyebrows to crease briefly before his eyes fluttered open with butterfly like lashes. He let out a small grunt before shifting again and drawing his face up to mine. It took him a moment to remember where he was- I didn't know why he was in my bed in the first place- but it seemed he did. The confusion his expression held soon melted into nothing, his red eyes staring unusually softly right back at mine. Hair a mess and sleep making his features lag made it extremely hard not to let the thought of him almost being cute like this from crossing my mind. But I suppressed it as much as I could. I shoved the thought away and instead addressed the fact that he was, in fact, in my bed. And still cuddling up against me. Once he gained a little awareness, I cleared most of the drowsiness in my throat.

"Mornin'" He beat me to it and spoke before I had the chance with his drawl even more apparent now that he wasn't fully awake.

"Morning." I replied quietly, averting my eyes before drawing them back after and pause of silence. "Why're you in my bed?"

"You've been in my bed before." He commented in a rather flat tone.

"That's not the point, Dave. Now, let me ask again. Why are you in my bed?"

"You were having a nightmare."

"And waking me up wouldn't fulfill you?" My voice cut through the air, making this whole situation even more uncomfortable for the both of us.

His eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but the rest of his face remained motionless. He had mastered keeping every part of his face expressionless; every part but his eyes. Because they were always hidden around people, he had never taken the time to train them.

"You wouldn't wake up. Trust me, I tried. But shouting and shaking didn't do anything from stopping you from crying out, so I did this. Holding your pathetic little self was the only thing that stopped you. I eventually got tired and fell back asleep. How I got under the covers, I don't know." He stopped for a moment, forming an even stronger scowl. "There a problem with me helping both of us getting a proper night's sleep?"

"No," I snapped back. Something about this made me feel so uncomfortable. No, it wasn't the first time I had woken up with this man beside me, but it felt so different this time. Part of me like it, but the majority of my mind was yelling error and confliction. "There's a problem with you invading my space like this and crawling into my bed. I told you we can't do things like this."

"You told me we couldn't do _it. _As far as I'm concerned, a little juvenile cuddling isn't anything close to as intimate as the things you have forbidden me from trying to do."

I moved out from his arms in a hurried motion, my bare feet sliding against the carpet as I stood and moved towards the door. Pulling a sweat shirt on, I opened my bedroom door without speaking.

"Sollux-" He called after me, propping himself on one elbow.

"Stop." I hissed back through gritted teeth as I clamped onto the door frame. "It may not be _intimate_ to you, but it is for me. You just- you don't understand. I can't even talk to the last person I shared that bed with. The last person I did all these things with can't even hear my voice. He was forcefully taken away with blood on the floor and tubes down his throat. If you want me to brush something like that off like it was some meaningless break up, you are terribly mistaken." My fingers dug further into the door's wood as I cringed. "It's not my fault I can't be with him. I still love him dammit."

"It's not like he'll ever know if you don't tell him. _If _he wakes up."

My hand finally gave up at trying to crush the wood and it fell back to my side, smacking against my leg.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment Dave."

I left without waiting for a reply and I made my way into the kitchen. After pouring a bowl of cereal, I sunk down into one the wooden chairs with a loud creak. I really needed new furniture. But given I didn't exactly have any money, that necessity had to be put off. These remedial things set in the back of my conscious mind. The things smack dab in front were much more relevant. Well, not so much relevant, but simply more affecting. These were the thoughts I had been struggling with for a whole year now.

Karkat.

The constant worry of his condition had been weighing and taking its toll on my mind.

Would he ever wake up?

Why couldn't I accept the fact that he might not?

Why couldn't I let go of him?

For the love of God why couldn't I just stop loving him?

He wasn't a nice person. He was angry and pissed off all the time with a short temper and a foul mouth. It would be easy to dislike him. I had tried, but I never could. I would always remember instantly everything I loved about him. No matter what, I loved him whole-heartedly and unconditionally.

It was terrible.

It was the one thing that was holding me back and making me miserable. I couldn't let him go, and thusly, I couldn't find happiness being around anyone else. Even with Dave, everything felt wrong. He was lying next to me in my bed with the known fact that he would stay with me if I pleased, but it didn't feel right even then. Having him here made me feel sick. Not just because he wasn't Karkat, but because I actually felt good having him around. I yearned the company, but I knew if this was how things were going to go, I couldn't handle it.

I loved Karkat, he love John.

It was obvious to us both, but it also seemed neither of us wanted to accept those facts. We both wanted to fulfill our wants and needs with other people, but we found out that was utterly impossible. Everything felt hollow now that we were alone in our own sense.

I could have continued on for hours with these circling thoughts, but the shut of a door and the shuffling of shoes brought me back into the world. I gazed up to see Dave walking into the room, fully dressed again, clad with dark glasses and all. He shoved his phone in his pocket, brushing his hair down with his other hand before flipping it to the side. He moved past me, but quickly turned around and stared me down with furrowed brows and the hint of a frown.

"It's been a whole fucking year- more than that actually. It's about time to get the fuck over him already."

And with that, he continued to walk, opening the door, walking out, and slamming it behind hit. He left me in silence with only my thoughts to keep me company once again.


	44. Chapter 44

Only a few days passed before I saw Dave again, but somehow in those few days my guilt rose exponentially. I had kicked Dave out of my apartment when I clearly knew he had nowhere to go; nowhere to sleep or eat. But my feelings worsened tremendously on my way home from work one day. We had recently been ordered uniforms, and it was definitely too hot to be wearing khaki pants. And I thought I was going to have to kill my collared polo. I was busy tugging at it with a disgruntled expression when I walked by a car pulled up along the side of the road. Being the nosey person I am, I strolled up to it and peered within. A pillow and blanket were shoved up against the other door as multiple fast food bags were scattered in the floor board along with some clothes. I cupped my hands against the window searching through until I felt hand on my collar. I was jerked back forcefully, but meeting face to face with the hand's owner, the grip was dropped.

"Jesus Strider." I hissed, rubbing my neck where the shirt rubbed.

"Sorry bro, almost didn't recognize you without your bony ass and the sloppy mess you call a wardrobe."

I merely scoffed with the roll of my eyes. "Fuck you." After sharing a few more snippy remarks and a quick chuckle, I glanced back over to his car. With a little hesitation, I raised my eyebrow. "You living in your car?"

He shrugged like it didn't matter. "More or less. Turns out Rose got a girlfriend. I'm legitimately starting to wonder if there is a single hetero member of our family…" He shook his head along with a hand. "But anyway, yeah, basically she doesn't have any room for me anymore. So I'm out in my old baby."

I stopped for many passing moments, contemplating the battling thoughts in my mind until I sighed and rubbed my face. "Come back to my place."

"What?" He seemed genuinely surprised, well at least from what I could tell in the slight change of his tone.

"As long as you don't try to pull anything and you keep your distance, you can live with me again. But I swear, if you try to pull anything like what happened last time, I will not hesitate to throw your ass right back on the street."

"So no sex?"

It was so blatant and frank I choked on the mere air in my lungs and began to splutter stupidly. After calming myself, I cleared my throat. "Yeah… exactly."

With a nod, he complied. "Agreed."

And that was that. Dave hauled me home in his shit car and we both took his stuff back up into my apartment. He settled back comfortably on the couch and the days passed quicker. He still never seemed himself though. Even when we were joking, he wasn't as quick, and his sarcasm had been lacking. Many times I would find him staring out the window with a clear frown on his face, but as quick as he noticed me, it would vanished into a thin, expressionless line. Something was wrong, and I think I knew exactly what.

I believed he truly missed John. He could have made all the jokes he wanted, there was no hiding the fact that he wanted to be back with him. He had gotten ruthlessly dumped- and that face he had that night. That look of utter sadness when he had told me. That had to be it. I felt the slight need to fix it. Whether it was to just get him out of my apartment and back on his own path, or the matter that it made me uncomfortable to see him so wounded that he would actually frown, I wanted to help him. Somehow make John forgive him and accept him back; even if it was just as a friend.

So I made a few phone calls and found out that John had his biology classes on Thursdays in the building right next to mine. I planned it well, and one day after class I even waited inside of the door until I saw him and ran out behind him. After a few paces, I caught up to him. Bringing him to a halt with a hand on his shoulder, I offered a smile that he took and returned faintly. There was still a sense of unwillingness and slight resentment in his bright ever blue eyes, but he could never down right hate a person.

"Hey John." I said calmly, holding the smile as long as I could.

He gave a nod in return. "Sollux. How have you been?"

"Alright I suppose. Do you have a moment?"

He hesitated again, obviously trying not to frown. "Well no actually. I have a class in about twenty minutes, and the professor will have my head if I'm late."

"This will only take a few minutes. I promise. I really just need to talk to you."

He sighed, battling himself in his mind before eventually nodding and leading me over to a bench with a small wave. We sat down and I began as soon as my butt hit the wood.

"You need to talk to Dave."

This time, he actually did frown- no, he grimaced at my words. Shaking his head vigorously he made a small grunting sound.

"Hell no. I never want to see that fucking jerk again."

"John, please just-"

"No! You should know better than anyone what he's done to me."

Well that hurt. The tone in his voice so condescending as he glared from me down to his lap then back up.

"I do know, but he's really hurt. He's been staying at my place and the way he just stares into space it's-"

"He's living with you?" His voice cracked, but he didn't seem to care. With furrowed brows, his eyes were firmly locked on mine now.

"Only because I offered. I don't want him to get robbed while living in his car or some shit. John just listen, you're not focusing on what I'm trying to tell you."

"Oh, I think I am!" He shouted back. And now he was standing, fists at his sides and books held against his hip with one arm. "He cheated on me and treated me like I was just some toy he could play with until he got bored and then move on, and now he's living with the very guy he cheated on me with. That is what you're saying, isn't it?" He stared me down over his shoulder, striking me speechless. My mouth was open but no words were coming out. "That's what I thought." He whispered as he took a step forward.

My reflexes kicked in, and I jolted up and grabbed his wrist. Standing fully, I gained a few inches on him easy.

"Calm the fuck down and shut up for a minute."

He still held a slight glare, but he followed my orders and didn't speak a word.

"He loves you John. I don't care what he may have said in the past or what he's done, he really does love you. Did you give him a chance to tell you that? A chance to tell you that no matter what he did with me, he was always thinking of you? Bet you never thought about that. You were angry, I know, but give him a chance to prove that he still loves you. He's not the same without you; he's just not himself. You made him who he was, and without you it's like a piece is missing. When the person you love isn't next to you, every passing minute is hell. Now you give him the time of day and let him tell you how much he loves you. Because sometimes it's too late, and then what are you going to do? You can't just magically make them be able to hear you so you can say the things you should have all along. It shouldn't take something like that to express your feelings so you let him tell you dammit! You listen and you don't interrupt him or speak until he's finished. You hear me John?"

My voice was harsh and very austere, but it was meant to be that way. And by the look on his face I'm sure at least some of the words got through. His anger suddenly melted away. I let go of his wrist, and he turned. Bringing his arms around my shoulder, he pulled me into a hug.

"Thanks Sollux." He whispered softly into my ear. "And don't worry. Karkat will be fine. I'm sure he knows you love him."

_Wait, when did this become about Karkat?_

With that, he hopped back and smiled that buck toothed grin before turning on his heels, hugging his books to his chest, and bounding off as he waved.

After receiving a call later that evening from Dave, it looked like they had worked everything out again. His voice was lighter again and held its normal suave. I smiled to myself and said it was nothing as he thanked me quietly before I heard John's giggling in the back ground. There was a girlish shriek followed by a stream of laughter on both parts just before he managed a goodbye mid-laugh and the phone call clicked off.

From there, it had seemed things had finally calmed down when I got a phone call. Pushing up from the couch and crossing the carpeted floor, I picked up the phone and held it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello Sollux." The feminine voice was immediately recognizable. It would have brought me comfort to hear, if it wasn't so desperately sullen.

"Mrs. Vantas?"

"Yes honey. We need to talk."

I paused for only a second, my breath getting caught up in her tone.

"Is something wrong?"

This time, she was the silent one. It lasted some time, and after a minute or so, she finally spoke back up. "It's time."

"Time?" I countered, curiosity reigning in my voice. "Time for what?"

"The medication is due for renewal for another month, and the hospital bill is getting even more expensive, and I know this isn't what we had planned, but-"

"Mrs. Vantas." I spoke loud enough to stop her, but not enough to be a shout. I sighed, bringing a hand up to rub my forehead. "You're not making any sense."

"It's Karkat darling. We can't afford to keep him in that bed anymore. It's time to let him go." My eyes widened, and my heart dropped. My hand falling from my face as the other tightened around the phone. "We spoke to the doctor, and he advised us for the best. We are having a hard time keeping all the machines running, and our insurance company is fighting with us now about all the medication constantly being renewed. We can't possibly keep paying all these bills."

"What you're thinking is out of the question." I snapped back. My patience was thin. I was already growing tired of her excuses. They couldn't simply stop this now. He still had time. He could come back. I wouldn't let them do this. Not yet. Not ever. How could they even think about letting their son go so easily?

"The doctor said if he was going to wake up, he would have by now. It's close to pointless to keep a lifeless body alive."

"He's wrong." I knew in the back of my mind I was being irrational, but frankly rationality was not something I was concerned with right now.

"He knows what he's talking about."

"No he doesn't!" I yelled back, my eyes clamped shut. "He doesn't know anything! You can't just go with whatever he says and cut everything off. He'll wake up! I know he will…"

"Sollux-"

"No!"

"Sollux, listen to me!" I bit my lip so I wouldn't say anything else, only hearing her voice as if it was far away. "It's just too much. Don't think I don't love my son, I do. I love him, and I know you do too, but we can't go on pretending he's okay when he's not. Everyday worrying about him and wondering if we'll ever see his smile and hear him laugh. Do you think we don't wonder about these things either? Mr. Vantas and I feel the same way you do, but-" Her voice broke. I could hear her trying to stifle a sob, but she was failing almost completely. She was now blubbering over the phone, and I felt a pang of regret from my shouting as soon as I heard her. "But, we just can't d-do it anymore. It's costing us too much money and- I don't think I can handle this stress. It h-hurts, and I know you hurt. P- Please… just please; don't make this harder on us."

There was another round of sniffling and a cracked cry followed by shuffling until another voice picked up.

"Sollux."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "Mr. Vantas."

"I must apologize about her. She is having quite a hard time coping with this herself and coming to terms with the reality of this situation." Another wave of regret. Of course they were hurting too. They are his parents and all, but still… This doesn't seem right. "We simply can't prolong this anymore. It's time we end this nightmare we have all been living and finally let him go in peace." He inhaled slowly, waiting for my response that never came. I couldn't even think to speak. "We will be at the hospital tomorrow at two. I'm sorry this is so sudden. Goodnight, Sollux."

There was a click of the receiver followed by the droning dial tone. I set the phone back on its small table, wandering back into my bedroom. I didn't care if it was only eight; I couldn't think to do anything but collapse and at some point drown out the world into black silence. My eyes were growing heavy. Whether it was from actual tiredness or the weight of the tears threatening to drop from my lashes any second, I was suddenly very tired and felt utterly drained.

Opening the door and not feeling the use of closing it, I dropped to my bed face first. I lay on my stomach with my face shoved in the pillow until I ran out of air and had to turn my head to the side. That's when it fell. The tiny drop that rolled down my cheek and wet the pillow. It came silently for I didn't verbally cry' I barely cried at all. It was that one tear that came and went. Glasses off and on the small table, my eyes welled up but never let go. I lost track of time, thankfully, after my thoughts whirled around so long it gave me a headache and eventually forced myself into a silent and dreamless sleep.

The next morning I woke to the birds chirping outside my window, but they brought me no light-heartedness. I drug my feet across the floor as I slipped off my clothes; replacing them carelessly. I didn't feel like showering, and I only made myself eat so I wouldn't lose what little energy I had. Toast was about all I could stomach with the unending sickness sinking in my gut like a rock. With a glance to the clock, I registered that it was already eleven thirty. If I wanted, I had about an hour until I needed to head out; that was if I walked. But I had a different plan. I instead left my house just after finishing my small breakfast.

The walk was long, and not even the bright spring weather could heighten my spirits. By the time I made it to the hospital, I wasn't even sure how my feet had managed to move this far. I had been walking so mindlessly, and I only continued to do so. As I entered, none of the nurses spoke to me as they usually did. They all had a look of irreplaceable pity.

I hated it.

All of them that I had once been so jovial with, I now passed without the upturn of my head. I walked straight to Karkat's room and in with no words spoken to anyone. They all knew why I was here; it was obvious the way they didn't talk to me or care to say hello. Gossip traveled fast here I suppose.

Taking my usual place in the chair next to his bed, I seized hold of his motionless, cold hand. My eyes still felt tired and thus only grew heavier as I gazed on his sickly face. He was even paler with chapped lips and chilly, clammy skin. They were already waning him off the medicine. He had fewer tubes and wires than last time. It hit me with another stab of immense pain. My grip on his hand clenched, my eyes already fighting back the risk of tears.

"Karkat…" I breathed my voice quiet, cracking, and shaky.

He looked so frail. My head fell. Hunched over the side of his bed, I clutched his hand in both of mine as I silently cried into the clean sheets of his bed. No one bothered me; and I was glad of it. I whispered my final goodbyes, hitched breaths catching me off guard and making me stop to calm down. I think at one point I had fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was being shaken awake by a nurse.

"Wha-" My head lifted, hand still closed tightly around Karkat's as my vision focused.

Mr. and Mrs. Vantas were standing close to me, looking down at me with somber face and tears fighting the walls of their eyes.

"Is it two already?" I asked quietly only to be answered with a nod.

I rubbed my eyes but refused to let go of his hand. I would hold it until the end if I had to. Just as I began to gaze back down on his face, the doctor entered the room.

"Alright. Mr. and Mrs. Vantas, have you signed all the paper work?"

"We have." Replied the older man with a short nod.

I hardly think his mother could dare to speak at this point. She was battling not to break down right here; but then again so was I.

"Then we can begin." The doctor replied, crossing the room to the other side of Karkat's bed. "Mr. Captor would you mind letting go of his hand?"

"I would." I replied quickly, staring him down with such ferocity at this moment. No way was I letting go.

"Mr. Captor please-"

"I won't do it." I barked back. "You are practically killing him right now and you want me to let go of a stupid little hand. Can't you at least spare me this?"

He sighed, but nodded. "I suppose I won't do any harm."

I then turned my eyes back down to his face and said more goodbyes in my head as my hand squeezed his tightly.

"Is everyone ready?" He asked one hand on the tube down his throat.

Both his parents nodded slowly, but I stayed completely motionless. My eyes strayed only to watch him slowly un-tape the tube and begin to slide it from his throat. It took a couple of seconds, but even when it was out, his chest didn't move. My heart began to sink, but there was still the beeping of the heart machine. That was only for a short moment however, for as soon as the tube was disposed of, the doctor began pulling the final tubes and wires connected to his head and arms.

That's when the beeping stopped. It stopped pumping his heart for him, and it went flat. Just as his chest neither rose nor fell, his heart did not move. Fear struck me as the tears couldn't stay back any longer. They poured from all of our eyes as Mrs. Vantas quietly sobbed in her husband's arms. On sudden impulse, my feet made me rise. For a moment I thought I was going to run, but I didn't. I only stepped forward. The doctor was telling me slowly, but then quicker and louder to sit back down or step away, but I wouldn't. I brushed the nurse off my shoulder and the seconds moved slower than ever before, but I somehow ended up with my hands folded over his chest, tears raining down, and my arms moving without consent. I began to push in rhythm even with the doctor trying to pry me off and his parent's yelling at me from the corner. Everyone was yelling, but they were all miles away. Muffled voices couldn't stop me now. I vigorously shrugged away any hands trying to pull me back as I continued to pump as one of the voices registered as my own. I was shouting curses down at him calling him an asshole and a bastard as I continued to push my arms through to his chest. My shouting was only stopped by lips meeting his and air being blown into his lungs. I couldn't stop myself. This was all I knew how to do and all I could do. It had saved him once; maybe it could save him again. Just maybe. I couldn't let him go; not now. I loved him too much; I couldn't stand the thought of living any longer without him. I missed him too much already. And now the thoughts of his smile, his laugh, his soft touch were slipping away. I wouldn't let them. I couldn't. He wasn't leaving me like this. Not yet.

Dammit he wasn't going to die on me.

He couldn't die.

I managed to get a few more breaths in him before I was furiously jerked away by my shoulders. I was thrown into a chair and held back by both the doctor and Mr. Vantas. They were yelling, I could see that by the movements of their mouths, but I couldn't hear them. The only sound breaching my ears was a faint, rhythmic beeping. It was slow at first but then picked up a steady rate. I instantly tried to stand, but when they wouldn't let me, I settled for looking in between their bodies. My eyes widened, heart stopping, and every muscle ceasing movement. The heart monitor had a white line shooting across it and fluctuating every second or so.

"Karkat…" I whispered.

Slowly, my arm lifted and I pointed at the machine. Both the men towering over me stopped and turned around. Their arms fell to their sides. I then stood pushing them both aside without another thought. My shaking hand somehow found its way to interlacing its fingers with Karkat as I looked down on his face. My other hand moved and two fingers brushed his lips when I caught a small puff against them. My eyes widened even more and I bent down, my ear hovering against his mouth. Through chapped lips came the faintest wisps of air as the beeping continued. The doctor was checking the machine to see if it was correct as the Vantas' held each other in their arms staring at us in shock.

"Karkat." I said a little louder, bringing my face about a foot away from his. My hand caressed his cheek, a slight warm creeping through it. "Karkat!" I bellowed down at him.

I heard a small cry from his mother, but it was barely audible to me. With that shout, his eyes twitched just slightly. They would have been undetectable if I wasn't so close. My heart skipped a beat even with this simple movement.

"Karkat!" I shouted again, and then again, my hand brought his up and began shaking it.

I kept calling his name until finally, everything went silent. Even my own voice went blank as I saw him.

His eyes opened.

He blinked once and they were almost fully open then. His pupils struggled to find the right size, but once they did, those large brown eyes stared right back up at me. The smallest smile broke across his lips though I knew it pained him to do so since they hadn't moved in almost two years.

"So-ll-ux" His voice was cracking tremendously, but even that wouldn't stop him.

He struggled to move, but in some way a feverishly shuddering hand touched my cheek that was wet as the tears continued to pour from my eyes. My thumb was stroking his cheek as I openly cried while I was leaning over him. I couldn't control myself, and I fell over him, wrapping my arms around his now even thinner figure and held him as tight as I could without hurting him. Fingers cured into the white hospital gown as tears streamed down onto his shoulder.

"I love you so much Karkat." I muttered into his ear as I turned my head and kissed his cheek, now tasting his own salty tears.

"I- I love you- S-sollux."

I finally heard his voice again, felt his fingers get lost in my hair and his clutch on my shirt in that way he always did. I could have lived in this moment forever, never wanting to let go of him again. Taking every emotion in as we both held onto each other with all we had. I stroked his hair and whispered those three words until my voice ran dry, and he did the same. It was done until our tears stopped us and our voices couldn't take anymore. But even then, that was all I could think.

_I love you._

Even if we didn't hear it from each other's lips, we knew it.

We always knew it.

We would never forget it.

Here I was, doing what I had been yearning to do for the past two years.

I was once again holding the man I loved in my arms. Nothing would ever compare to that love I felt.

And nothing in world could have made me happier than I was at this moment.

* * *

><p>Hey guys! Hope you liked this chapter as much as I do! Just here to say that this is not the end. There will be another chapter or two to tie everything up, but yeah. That's all! :)<p> 


	45. Chapter 45

After the doctor advised us to allow him to monitor Karkat's health, he stayed in that hospital bed for close to a week. Once he finally regained enough health, he began to talk again and even laugh occasionally. It was a feeling like I had never had before. Every time I entered his room and saw him awake or sitting up to eat, my heart fluttered. My stomach turned with the joy rising in my nerves. It was almost too much when I saw him smile as soon as his eyes met mine. He always smiled more now. Like if he didn't, the moment would run away to never be caught again.

I filled him in on everything he had missed. At first, it was hard for him to conceive that he had been out for almost two years. Over the few days, he seemed to be more and more interested on what I had been up to without him. I told him how at first, things had been worse than hell. How terrible I felt and even about how I had let myself slip back into what I now came to call 'my bad days'. He scolded me briefly and told me I was weak, an idiot, and completely foolish, but eased up once he saw how bad I truly felt remembering those few months. He resolved himself by pulling me into his arms and placing a kiss to my forehead. Of course, that was all it took. I was back to blabbering in a matter of minutes. I told him everything I had kept up with in the world of news and that I had actually managed to graduate a few months early. This seemed to hit him in the wrong spot. His face immediately sunk, eyes dimming, and muscles falling weak. On one side, he was sad he missed my graduation, something we had been talking about ever since middle school, and on the other side, the realization that he was now twenty-two and still a sophomore in college hit him hard. Whether it was the final dawning that he truly had missed two years of his life, or the fact that he would now have to deal with the stress of completing those years of school somehow or another, he broke.

I couldn't say I hadn't anticipated this, but after the first few days, I thought we were in the clear. I was wrong. When his thoughts caught up with him, his emotions threw him into a spiral of incoherent mumbles and blubbering tears streaming down his face. I didn't try to stop him; I didn't even speak. I took him in my arms, now seated on the bed beside him with one leg bent on the covers and the other hanging off the side. With his face buried in my chest, he muttered through broken sobs until he fell silent and pushed about a foot away from me. Rubbing his red, puffy eyes, he tried to smile but eventually gave up and sat with a rather blank expression.

"Come on," I spoke finally, shifting off his bed to a standing position. "Let's go on a walk."

He nodded, extending his arm for me to help him up. I interlocked our arms, pulling him to his feet. We walked together, out of the room and down the white halls. By the time I reached the front door of his building, I had passed many nurses with subtle hellos and a few other pleasantries. We then passed out the doors and on the small sidewalk provided. The path led through a small garden with a multitude of flowers, a few benches here and there, and a fountain. We had begun taking walks frequently these past days. The doctor said Karkat needed to build his muscles up again and get everything back to normal before he could be discharged. Thusly, we resorted to our nice strolls through the garden with interlaced fingers and hooked arms. Usually we would always take one before he returned to his bed and I headed off to work.

I began working at a local networking company, which made me much happier than that book store I hated so much. It even eased me when my fingers mindlessly tacked away at the keys and the numbers flooded my eyes. And once our short walk was over, that was exactly where I went. I brought him back in, offered a simple goodbye and a chaste kiss before I headed off for the office building.

It was 12:30 at that time, and six hours later I was on my way home.

_Hey kk, ii have 2ome work two do tonight, 20 ii won't be back until tomorrow. 2ee you iin the morniiing._

With my phone in my pocket, I went home for a night of whatever food I found and of myself typing away at the computer.

In a matter of days, I was in my truck with Karkat buckled in the passenger's seat with the hint of a smile on his lips. He was strong enough to return home; and he was glad of it. Walking in the door, my phone began to ring. Watching Karkat mull around the rooms, I stopped to remove my phone and answer it quickly.

"Hello?" I began, but the shout in response startled me.

"Sollux!" The ecstatic voice chirped back.

I chuckled lightly, regaining my bearings. "Heh, hey Feferi."

"Are you busy?"

"Right now? Yeah, a little. I mean, I just brought Karkat home. Finally."

"That's great he's home!" She said, her loud voice traveling through the phone. "But that's not what I meant. I guess I should have been clearer. Are you and Karkat busy this weekend?"

"No, I don't think so. Why?"

"Oh, wonderful!" She exclaimed so lurid that I needed to move the phone hastily from my face until I heard her continue to speak. "-see my mom said I could invite a few of my friends over to go spend the weekend at my beach house. Thought it'd be nice if you guys could come along."

I smiled at the thought. A weekend at the beach. Not bad. I took a moment to bask myself in my thoughts, but the repetition of my name by her voice drew me back.

"Sorry." I muttered before clearing my throat. "We'd love to come."

And so it was settled.

We were going to the beach.

I was almost embarrassed by how undoubtedly excited I was.

* * *

><p>By the time Saturday rolled around, we had two packed bags sitting by the door and eager spirits ready to go. I hadn't seen anybody in a while, other than Dave, and obviously Karkat hadn't seen anyone. He was outwardly more excited than I was though he denied it if I tried to point it out. However, when he woke up Saturday morning, he quite literally pulled me out of bed until my back hit the ground. I groaned, standing shortly after and let him shove me into the bathroom. I showered, even if my eyes were closed through half of it. When I stepped out, through the steam I could read on the counter clock that it was only 7:30. My lips pulled into a thin line as I walked out of the bathroom, towel around my waist loosely and wet hair plastered to my face. I found Karkat sitting <em>on<em> the kitchen table, cross legged with a half-eaten pop tart in one hand and a book in the other.

"You know, I still have to eat on that table. I don't want my food to taste like your butt."

Even with a pop tart in hand, he still managed to flick me off and mutter a _fuck you_ through a food filled mouth. He swallowed before looking up at me from his book.

"Get your ass covered. I'm ready to go."

"Eager much?" I retorted, giving a smirk.

He pointed down the hall with a small glare. "Clothes Captor."

With another quick chuckle, I disappeared back into our room only to emerge moments later fully clothed with a pair of shorts and a plain, black t-shirt. Holding my hand over my mouth as I yawned, I ruffled my drying hair with the other hand. Karkat was still in the same spot, but the pop tart was fully gone and now he was entertained solely by the book. With one glance to the cover I sighed, my eyes rolling at the obvious shitty romance novels he reads. Utter garbage in most sane people's minds, but he finds them _interesting_. I abandoned the thought of commenting as I wandered over to the door and picked up my bag. Slinging it over my shoulder, I glanced back at him. He was wrapped up with the book glued to his face. It took a shout to pull him away.

"Oi, Karkat! Come on. I'm the ready one now."

His head shot up, turning around slightly to see me. With the quick flash of a smile, he jumped down and practically ran around the counter to me. Shoving the book in his bag, he pulled on his terribly old and worn out converse that matched mine save the difference in tears and holes that we had patched multiple times.

"Ready." He said shortly, holding the bag at his side and staring up at me.

I nodded in return and opened the door, letting him walk out first. I shut it behind me before making sure it was locked. Once we had thrown our bags into the back seat of my truck, I stuck the key in the ignition and began our long journey to the coast. It didn't take too terribly long, but it still was a couple of hours. Karkat had called Feferi for me on the way there and ended up caught on the phone with her for at least an hour. She had gotten there earlier that morning to make sure everything was ready for us. Given the fact that she was alone, I was driving, and she hadn't talked to Karkat in what she repeated was ages; she decided she had a lot to tell him. Of course, I heard most of the conversation. And after about twenty minutes of Karkat getting tired of the loud voice blaring through the phone even when it was inches from his face, he turned it on speaker so we could both talk and he could set the phone in the cup holder between us. We talked to her until she had to go because someone else had arrived. It wasn't but about forty minutes after we ended the call with her that we turned off the main road and followed a long path down to the house. Taking a good ten minutes to go down the drive way, we were ready to be there more than ever. Finally, the road ended meeting with a large, circular stone area with a fountain in the middle and the huge house at the foot of the stones. There were three other cars already parked around the circle when my truck came to a stop. We climbed out, bags over our shoulders and jaws dropped. I knew Feferi's parents had money, but never thought it was enough to afford something this luxurious for a house they only used a couple months out of the summer; if even that much. We made our way up to the door after exchanging a few quick, wide-eyed glances of astonishment. I rang the doorbell. After only a matter of seconds the door was swinging open and a pair of arms was curling around my neck.

"Sollux!" Giggles emerged beside my ear as she fell back on her heels only to move next me and repeat the same thing to Karkat. "Good to see you too Karkat."

He seemed a little more reluctant to her show of affection, but I had long become used to it.

"Hi, Feferi." He grumbled, his hand brushing the back of his neck. "Didn't we just talk to you like an hour ago?"

"Yes, but that was over the phone. I couldn't exactly hug you through a phone." She said it like it was so obvious that it made me chuckle a little, already probably smiling too wide.

Karkat glanced up to me, allowing a small smile to set on his face before he shrugged his back up on his shoulder.

"Mind showing us inside?" I asked, glimpsing at the darkened room behind her.

"Oh, yes!" She exclaimed before spinning back around and dragging up by our hands into the house with her.

We entered a large room with wooden floors, high ceilings, and light invading every corner. The entire back wall was ceiling to floor glass windows. Beyond was the sparkling blue of the ocean that was only obscured by a hill that sloped down to the beach. Hallways led off into the house on one wall, and the other was a long counter that separated the kitchen, but it could still be seen. It was huge in and of itself. Within the room, there was a large couch that was like a square but lacked on side. That one empty side was filled with a t.v. sitting on a stand and in front of it was a large wood and glass coffee table. The entire placing was ornamented with various nautical items and shells everywhere. It was relaxing as I looked around. I gazed around until I was met with four other pairs of eyes. On the couch, Kanaya sat beside a young, blonde girl who I hadn't met before, one leg crossed over the other. A few feet away from the girl, John was already bouncing up to run over and embraced Karkat leaving Dave's arm to fall to his side as he gave me a nod hello. I returned it before stepping aside, not to be hit by John's flailing arms.

Feferi giggled, still holding my hand and still pulling me along. She moved me in front of the t.v. and began pointing to everyone.

"Sollux, you know Dave and I've been told you've met Kanaya. Well then, that leaves Rose here."

Rose. Dave's sister. I'm a little surprised I hadn't realized it earlier. Though her lips were covered with a dark lipstick, and her eyes were a lighter almost lilac hue, she had the same pale skin dusted with even lighter freckles and white, blonde hair. She stood from her previously sitting position, extending a hand.

"Hello. As Feferi said, I am Rose."

"Sollux."

"I'm aware." She responded flatly. Her tone left even more inflection to be desired than Dave's did. I didn't think it was possible. "My brother has told me quite a bit about you."

I sent a wavering glance over her shoulder to Dave, but he merely raised his hands in innocence with a shrug. Rose quickly took her place back beside Kanaya with a hand landing on her crossed thigh.

My mind immediately flashed with thought of _Oh, that kind of friend,_ but I really didn't think anything of it. I was quickly distracted by the groaning from behind me and the giddy laughter at my side. I turned around to find John talking Karkat's ear off, he rolling his eyes, and Feferi giggling away at it all. Things were finally back to normal, and everyone was as they should be.

Though I still had the feeling this was going to be a very long weekend.


	46. Chapter 46

"And this is your room." Feferi said, swinging the door open and stepping to the side.

Karkat and I walked in and dropped our bags near the door.

"I didn't think you guys would mind only having one bed." She giggled, slipping in a wink before stepping back out the door. "We're going to go out on the boat soon, so just come out whenever you guys get settled it."

With that, she shut the door, and I turned back around. Karkat had already begun searching about the room and swinging the curtains open on the window.

"Awesome place." I commented.

He nodded and turned back around. "Hopefully we can all get along cramped up in this house."

"It's only a couple of days." I replied as I unpacked my bag, sticking my clothes in a few drawers.

"I know, but still… You know what happens when I'm around- well, you know. It's like everything he does just pisses me off and he does everything _to_ piss me off."

I sighed, dropping the next shirt back in the bag and standing up straight. Walking over to his disgruntled form in front of the window, I wrapped arms around him and smiled.

"Don't let Dave being here ruin your weekend. _Our _weekend."

"You're just saying that because you can tolerate him." He mumbled, playing with the hem of my collar as he obviously tried to avoid eye contact.

"Like hell I can tolerate him. I would punch that infuriating smirk off his face every time I saw him if I could." This drew out a small chuckle and I was happy for it. "Hey," I curled my index finger under his chin and brought his eyes up to mine. "Let's just enjoy this weekend as much as we can. Alright?"

He nodded until there was a knock at the door.

"Come in." I called, turning around.

The door opened a little and John's head poked in. "You guys ready to go?"

I glanced back to Karkat, and he nodded again.

"Yeah. We're ready."

John smiled before disappearing from the door again. I turned back around half way, extending a hand.

"Shall we go?"

"We shall." He replied, taking hold of my hand and walking out with me.

All seven of us piled onto the boat that was tied to the dock with bags under out arms and a cooler stowed under one of the seats. Feferi had insisted on driving, clad with her sailor's hat and a wide grin. With her behind the wheel, Rose and Kanaya sprawled themselves across the back couch with the rest of us at the front. On one side, Dave sat with his arm over Johns shoulder and John's head on his own. On the other side, I sat up, legs laid out in front of me until Karkat began flipping his shit about how fast and reckless Feferi was driving. He quickly crawled his way between my legs, his back against my chest and my knees brought up on either side of him. Every time we hit a wave and Feferi broke through it without hesitation, the boat would jump high and Karkat would try to envelope himself into me further. I didn't mind it at all. I wrapped my arms around him with as much of a shit eating grin as I could manage without my face falling off.

I don't think my love for him would ever end.

With every squeak he made from the slightest jar, I couldn't help but snicker to myself. Even John was giggling at how scared he was. This only made him start to yell only to be cut off by another wave breaking him into a squeal. His face buried into my chest, hands grabbing fistfuls of my shirt.

Once we slowed down, he finally pried himself away and sat up. The engine rumbled to a stop that left us floating along the calm ocean current. Feferi stood commanding Dave and John to stand with a leader like point so she could retrieve the cooler and bring out our lunch. They complied just as I shifted my legs and placed both heels on the floor of the boat.

"Fucking hate boats." Karkat grumbled, sitting back against the cushion.

"Oh come on Karkat, don't be a grumpy butt." Feferi cooed, whirling around and removing her hat to place it on Karkat's head in one fluid motion.

He glared up at her but made no effort to remove it. After I scooted over, Kanaya placed herself beside me with a small smile, and Rose sat across from her next to John. Feferi slid into the un-cushioned seat at the very front. She opened the cooler pulled out seven neatly wrapped sandwiches, an assortment of sodas, and a few bags of chips. With everything out, she pushed the cooler across the floor until it hit the back of the boat with a clamber. Her brash actions always made me laugh.

"Well guys, don't just sit around. Dig in!" She exclaimed, clapping her hands together with a bright grin.

We all exchanged a few quick glances before shrugging and each grabbing a sandwich and a drink. I began with turkey, but after Karkat discovered his was chicken, he asked me to trade. And by asked I mean he grabbed mine before I could take another bite and dropped his in my lap. I decided not to oppose and instead just took the sandwich happily and ate it no differently. We were close to silent as we ate and chugged down our drinks. Once we had finished, it was backing to zooming around. Again, Karkat curled into a ball with my arm around his waist.

It had been about six hours since we had left the beach, and now that it was going on seven when we were returning to shore. The sun was dipping below the water, leaving the sky flooding with bright oranges and deep reds. We climbed out of the boat, tied it to the dock, and pulled all our bags from it. We had started back up the beach when Feferi called out to us.

"Guys, hold on!" She was running up behind us with a bag slung over her shoulder and a hand high above her head, waving us down.

We all stopped and turned around. She caught up to us quickly before pointing off to the right.

"See that over there?" I followed her hand down the beach until I spotted something some odd ways off. Many logs work stacked up against each other forming a triangle of sorts. It was surrounded by a circle of stones where the sand had been smoothed out. "I thought tonight would be wonderful for a bonfire. The weathers wonderful and the nightfall will be coming soon."

She looked back to us with a wide smile, and we simply couldn't say no.

"Sounds great." I commented before anyone else which only made her smile grow.

"Well come on then!" She exclaimed before bounding down the beach.

We all began to follow, but I didn't even take one step before I was tugged back. I looked down to Karkat's hand in mine before my eyes found their way to his face. He as staring up at me, and I raised a brow.

"What it is?" I asked, but he only smiled back.

He ran his hand through my hair and brushed my cheek until he leaned up and kissed me gently with his undoubtedly soft lips. I didn't have time to react before he was falling back to his heels, whispering an _'I love you, that's what'_, and pulling me by my hand.

No matter how grumpy or angry he could be, it was moments like that that made up for everything.

By the time we reached the other, I still couldn't stop smiling. Feferi had somehow managed to get a fire going, and now it was roaring away in the air and she was laying blankets all around the circle. As night came quicker, we all huddled around the fire. Between the three blankets, Rose and Kanaya shared one, as did Dave and John. I sat on the other with Karkat huddled against me on one side and Feferi about a foot away on the other. When the darkness enveloped the beach, we all sat sticks in hands and seven plump white marshmallows held above the now small burning fire.

"It's been a good day, Feferi." I said as the others began talking amongst themselves.

She looked up at me with her usual sweet smile and just nodded. "It has. Thanks for coming."

"Wouldn't have missed it for anything." I replied.

She opened her mouth to speak, but a quick hiss in my other ear made me turn my head quickly.

"Shit." Karkat susurrated, muffled from the finger in his mouth as he glared down at the marshmallow rolling away in the sand.

I couldn't help but chuckle a little as he began to stare at his burnt finger in a pout. I pulled the metal stick closer to me, pulling off my marshmallow and holding it out.

"Take mine idiot."

His glare turned itself up to me. "I'm not an idiot."

"Then how'd you manage that?" I asked, my eyes glancing over at the pile of white goo and sand.

He stared at me, before fumbling out the word, "Gravity."

"Gravity?" I retorted through a laugh. "That's the best thing you could come up with?"

"Shut it." He grumbled, grabbing my marshmallow and nibbling on it without a second thought.

"Aw isn't that sweet. Captor knows how to share."

I glanced over the fire, grinning but still making my tone come out aggravated. "Yeah, I do, so fuck you Strider."

He raised his hands, curling them into fists as he bounced in his place. "You wanna go?"

"Let's do it!" I shouted back but not without a laugh.

"Boys," Rose interjected, her dead pan, but still somehow sarcastic tone striking through the air. "No need to fight when we have this lovely and not at all cliché night unfolding before us."

"I agree." Mused Kanaya, though a smile was set across her face. "Relax a little from your rambunctious ways."

Dave's hands fell into his lap as I leaned back and we both sighed.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." He muttered under his breath, but I only nodded.

The rest of the night passed quickly. We talked until the fire began to grow even dimmer and the moon rose high. That's when we all began to fall silent. Just looking around and taking in all the beauty around us. It wasn't until Feferi stood that any of us made a notion to leave.

"Well, as much as I'd love to sleep out here under the stars, we'd most likely freeze." She turned to the house before looking back at us. "We should probably head up."

We all nodded and began to stand as she kicked sand into the remaining ashes of the fire. I started to move, but the dead weight against my arm finally registered in my mind. I glanced down to find Karkat asleep against me with his knees curled up against his chest and his arms hugging mine tightly. I smiled softly, moving only to break my arm from his grasp. Sliding one arm under his legs and the other around his back, I stood and carefully brought him up in my arms. I was times like this I was glad he was so small. Pulling him into my chest, I walked after the others. We all reached the house soon enough and said our goodnights as we all filed into the different rooms.

I shut the door with my foot before walking over to the bed and letting Karkat slip from my arms. I pushed the pillows down and laid his head on them. I removed his shoes, tossing them to the floor. Tugging the covers out from under him and then over his body, I walked around to the other side. Kicking off my own shoes, I stripped myself of my shoes, pants, and shirt before finding my way over the covers. By the time I had rolled onto my side, Karkat had woken up a little and his tired eyes were staring at me.

"You fell asleep on the beach." I said, reaching up to brush his messy bangs back.

He nodded slowly. "Thanks for bringing me up here." He moved, wiggling his way out of his pants and kicking them out of the covers along with his socks.

"Of course."

I smiled, gaining one in return as he moved to kiss me lightly. Before he could pull away, my hand rose to his cheek and drew him closer. At first, he tried to pull away but gave in as soon as my tongue slipped between his lips. His breath was hot and already bated. I had almost let myself forget how good this felt, but now all those feelings were returning. Rekindled love burning deep in my chest. My hand travelled down, moving up and over every curve. Resting on his hips, I pulled away only to reattach to his neck in a matter of seconds. My hand slid to his back, pulling him flush against me, drawing out a moan that shuddered past my ear just before my thumb hooked under the waist of his boxers. They pulled down only slightly until his hands shot down and grabbed my wrists.

"Sollux," He whispered through broken breaths. "We can't do this."

I sighed lightly, my arm going limp against his side.

"Why not?"

"Because, there are other people around..." He muttered a light tint of pink showing on his cheeks in the dim moonlight.

I small smile graced my lips as a chuckle glided past.

"Karkat, no one will hear us."

"Dave and John are right across the hall." He said quickly.

"They won't care. Now come on-" My head craned again, layering a kiss and a quick nip to his neck, but he simply pushed my head back.

"No."

I groaned, my head rolling back for a moment but then rose back. "Karkat, it's been two fucking years. You can't believe how long it's felt for me."

His eyes drew down as he fell silent. "Have you really waited that long?"

"Karkat..."

"I'm fine." He responded, his head snapping back up. "I just thought you would have maybe given up on me waking and well, moved on..."

I gave one of those pauses. The ones that were too long for comfort and that gave away every word unsaid. My eyes drew to the side.

"Sollux?" He asked after eyeing me silently.

"It's nothing." I muttered, beginning to roll on my back.

His hand caught my cheek, pulling my head back to the side. "Did you…"

I stayed silent again, but looked him straight in the eyes. Dark brown irises averted my own in a matter of seconds, and his hand slid from my cheek. "I see."

"Karkat-"

"No. I'm not mad. I told you if I was gone, you should move on. There's no way I can get angry after saying that."

I was already frowning, avoiding the truth as much as I could. "Are you upset?"

He shrugged, arms curling against his chest. "I mean, I can't be happy with the fact, but-" He looked back up and paused before trying to smile. "No, I'm not upset."

"It was only once. And I knew after that, I'd never do it again. It felt too wrong because it wasn't you. I promise."

He nodded a little, inching back over to me. "I know."

My chin dipped in, face in his hair as I whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too." He said, tipping his head back so he could lean up and kiss me softly.

I drew my hand back up to his cheek and bringing him deeper. I would've continued like this, but something was churning its way through my stomach. I pulled away quickly, a sigh. His eyes searched over my face with a confused expression.

"Is something wrong?"

"I can't do this." I said before he could finish his question.

"What do you mean?" He continued, trying to make my eyes meet his.

"The person…"

A finger rose to my lips. He was actually smiling at me. "It doesn't matter who it was with. It's in the past. Let's move on."

If only I could move on. If I could forget what happened and never have to tell him. But the guilt was eating me away now. I needed to tell him. It would happen eventually, and it was better sooner than later.

"It does matter Karkat. Because that person… You have to understand I was sad, and depressed, and I thought you were never waking up." My head hung, eyes closing. "I never meant for it to happen. And there was nothing to it. I love you so much, and even then I couldn't think of anyone else."

"Sollux, it's okay. I understand."

"You don't!" I snapped back. "You'd hate me if you did."

"Well, I- uh, who was it I guess?" I didn't respond, and with a finger under my chin, he drew my head back up to lock our eyes. "Who?"

I remained silent, only shaking my head the slightest bit. He scooted away, curling into a tiny ball.

"Sollux…"

I sighed, not being able to take lying down anymore. I needed to move. I stood quickly, the covers fluttering back to the bed. My feet began to move as I paced in a line back and forth beside the bed. Karkat got to his knees, moving over to the edge of the bed. He grabbed my hand and stopped me mid stride.

"Look at me."

But I didn't. My eyes were sealed to the ground.

"Sollux, look at me!"

His shout made his voice crack. I was loud, desperate, and made my head snap back up while my sad expression met his wide eyes.

"Who did you have sex with?"

I couldn't find any words. My mouth opened, but my throat was closed and nothing could escape.

"You didn't…" He whimpered, arm falling back to his side.

"Karkat, I-"

"Why him? Out of everyone in the fucking world, why did you choose _him?_"

"I didn't choose him." I rebutted, but it was too late to change the outcome of this conversation. "I never meant to do it."

"But him… Dammit you know how much I hate him. And you- oh god. Not again."

"Karkat stop this-" My hand reached down, but he smacked it away.

"Get out."

"I can explain."

His arms rose, pushing me back forcefully. He immediately sunk back into the bed though. His knees rose to his chest and he hugged them tightly.

"Karkat-"

"Get the hell out you fucking asshole!" He screamed, anger reigning high and making his voice shudder on the edge of cracking.

My jaw clenched along with my fists as I moved towards the door. I opened it, taking one final glance back to see shimmering tears begin to spill down his cheeks. I wanted to go back, comfort him and apologize ten times over, but I knew he wouldn't let me. At least not right now. When the door shut behind me, and I turned to the hallway, I was met with black ruffled hair and two large, uncovered, and brightly blue eyes staring me down.

"We heard shouting-" He began, but I raised a hand, shaking my head, defeated

"Not now John. I'll talk in the morning."


	47. Chapter 47

That night, I had slept on the couch. Freezing in only my boxers and socks with a thin blanket and an uncomfortably lumpy pillow. The next morning, I awoke before everyone. It was barely light outside, and my mind knew it. Still, I pulled myself from the couch and into the kitchen. I made a pot of some fancy and incredibly expensive coffee I found in the cabinet. With a hot cup in my hand, I sat at the bar. I held my head in my other hand only straightening up to take sips of my coffee every once and awhile. I didn't try to do anything; I didn't feel like doing anything. I just sat, thinking over what exactly had happened. It was a lovely day, everyone was happy, but in a matter of minutes I ruined it all. I think I had become a professional at screwing people over. And now I knew I'd have to explain everything to Dave and John. They obviously heard us last night. Just thinking about the look John had in his uncovered eyes made me cringe. The ultimate pity from a too kind boy. It was sickening. My fingers would occasionally grab my hair and tighten their hold until it hurt. Then I would let go, take a sip of coffee, and relax as much as I could until I repeated the whole process.

A few cups and an unmeasured amount of time later, the sun was higher and the creak of a door opened. The patter of feet leaked down the hallway before a stream of laughter ended by a quiet shooshing. John came swaying out of the dimly lit hallway, arms around his waist from behind and his face turned upwards as he whispered into Dave's ear. I glanced up, trying not to scowl, but in no mood to see that anything like that right now. With one glance my direction, they both stopped and stood where they were. We shared an awkward silence of looks back and forth before another whisper was passed into John's ear. He nodded before turning around and walking slowly into the hall. With a short scan to the floor and a deep breath, Dave crossed the room and eventually came to occupy the stool beside me.

"Still not used to seeing you not all emaciated and looking like a starving geek who can't step away from his computer for more than five seconds."

A long drawn out sigh escaped my lips as I began to stand and turn away to walk. "I'm not in the mood Strider."

His hand caught my arms, tightening until I sat back down and placed the mug on the counter in front of me. There was a silence that lingered, my eyes locked on the cool, dark granite. His hand slid back away from my arm, but he wouldn't leave.

"What do you want?" I asked quietly, but it still came out sharp and close to a hiss.

"I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?" He leaned back on the stool, popping his back. "What was all that fuss about last night that apparently led you to consequently chill on the couch?"

My hands began to fiddle with the mug, running my fingers over the rim. "I _may_ have spilt the stuff about what happened between us about a year back."

"So you brilliantly told your recently 'back from the dead' boyfriend that you fucked around with a guy he hates while he was in a coma?"

"Basically."

"You're an idiot."

"You don't say?" I remarked, a scoff breaking through.

"He's got quite a pair of lungs."

"Fucking short temper." I grumbled under my breath.

I knew he tried to suppress a laugh, but it came out anyway. "You're the one to talk."

"I know."

His hand smacked my back as he stood. "I'll talk to him."

I jumped with the hard pat, my eyes shooting wide before I slumped back down. "And how could you possibly help this situation?"

"Striders have skills. Magic if you want to call it that."

Before I could object anymore, he was already sauntering back out of the room with that annoying smirk set on his face.

By the time the sun was fully up, everyone else had emerged. I had slipped into the bedroom while Karkat was showering to pull on some new clothing. I noticed that the covers were all bunched up in one spot, and I knew instantly that Karkat had curled up into one of his signature balls, only happening when he was truly upset. That made me feel fantastic. As soon as I buttoned my pants, the shower cut off, and I hurried back out the door. Feferi and Rose were busying themselves with cooking as the other three lounged on the couch flipping through a multitude of channels. I felt a small nudge to my elbow as Karkat wedged himself past me and the wall of the hallway. He didn't speak. He didn't look at me. He simply kept going like I was a mere rock on his path. While we ate, we were both silent. The others talked, but they could easily tell something was wrong with us. No one pointed it out, but I caught a few skeptical glances from Feferi. I would just shake my head a little and keep eating.

After breakfast, everyone split up. Rose and Kanaya vanished with some book Feferi had insisted them reading. With those two gone into the study, Karkat had somehow managed to escape from my eyes. Not like it really mattered where he was right now. That left me with Dave, John, and Feferi. Dave and Feferi said they needed to make a run to the store to pick up ingredients for dinner, and subsequently John tagged along out of boredom.

That left me.

I had nothing to do, and no one to do it with.

And so, I spent the day meandering around the huge house and spending a large portion of my time in front of the t.v. It was hours before I saw anyone again. And that was just at dinner. I convinced Dave and Feferi to let me help with dinner just for something to do. It was some chicken dish that of course I wasn't allowed to mess with. Instead, I was in charge of setting the table. Enormous amounts of fun.

My luck only continued for dinner was the same as lunch. I was silent. The others talked, and I even occasionally caught a few glimpses my way from Karkat. Even if we made eye contact, he would immediately huff and look away.

_Prissy little bitch._

Thankfully, dinner went quick. I helped clean up and once everything was away and in its place, I caught Dave and Karkat slipping out the back down.

"Fuck Strider magic." I hissed under my breath with the roll of my eyes.

"What was that?" Feferi piped, but I just shook my head and continued on.

A little under an hour later, I was sitting on the couch with Feferi and John when Dave returned. Opening the back door and walking in, he waved me over with a hand. I stood and walked over with a raised brow.

"Told you Striders have skills." He smirked, but I was far less amused.

"What did you say?"

"Little of this little of that. Doesn't matter what I said, but hey you've got someone waiting for you."

"Where is he?"

"Down on the beach." He replied, throwing his head back toward the door.

He began to walk past me, but I caught his elbow. He looked back at me, glancing at me over his shades.

"Thanks Dave."

"No prob bro. You helped me with Egderp, it's the least I could do." With a quick flash of the never seen smile, it quickly settled back into a smirk as he pat my back again and kept walking to the couch.

With a final glance back to everyone, I smiled faintly. Taking a deep breath, I headed out the door and down the path to the beach.

When I had begun my trek, I spotted the lone figure standing amongst the sand. It was hard not to notice how short he actually was when you spotted him from afar. The sun was setting, creating the perfect glow and the quietest mood. The birds were gone now; taking their squawking with them. The waves were calmer. They still made noise, but the tide had made its way out. As I walked closer, shells scattered the packed down sand. Karkat was silent and motionless, one arm clinging to the other and pulling it close to his side. The sun danced across his hair and made the brown seem lighter and very glossy.

I stood behind him, but as if on cue, he turned to face me. With one look into my eyes, he rushed forward, and his arms were immediately around my torso. I hesitated, my arms hovering in the air before letting them fall to hold his back.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, grip tightening ever so slightly.

"You have no reason to apologize. I should be the one doing that."

My head dropped down, face buried in his hair that was sweet smelling and made me smile.

"I over reacted. Again."

"You had reason to."

"I should have let you explain."

"Even if you had, I'm not sure if I could have found the words."

"I was in denial."

"It's only because you care so much."

"Do you forgive me?"

"No."

He brought his head back with furrowed brows. "What?"

"I don't forgive you because you have no reason to be forgiven. I know you were upset and angry. It was the only thing you could think to do. I can't make you apologize for acting the same way I would have. It's that kind of passion that I love so much. Having that amount of emotion behind everything. Even if it embarrasses you and makes you hot headed, I wouldn't want it to ever go away. It's what makes you so perfect."

Halfway through me speaking, he began to smile on of that soft quirk of his lips that only came around once and awhile. Sure, he smiled all the time around me, but it was this certain way that he did it in these moments that was different. Unseen by most and unable to be corrupted by the mask of sarcastic anger he usually wore.

He leaned back into me. His face buried itself in my chest and his hands grabbed back onto my shirt. "I'm not perfect."

"You are." I assure, my arms pulling him as close as I possibly could.

"I'm not! I'm pissed off all the time and I jump to the worst conclusions. I put so much on you, expecting that you'll just deal with it and never do anything I wouldn't like. And even when you do nothing wrong, I always find something to complain about. I take it all out on you. I know you won't go, and I take advantage of that. But still when there's any threat that you actually might leave me, I flip out and only become angrier." His hand clenched, tugging more on the fabric. "I probably just push you away that much more."

"You don't. I will never leave. I don't understand how you think I could. I stayed by you every day for two years. If that doesn't prove something, I don't know what would."

He looked up again, his eyes welling up a little. "You came every day?"

"Did I not tell you that?"

He shook his head before wiping his eye.

"Oh," My eyes averted, a light blush rising to make my face hot. "Yeah I would sit and talk to you for a few hours. I just needed you there to let me get everything out- whether you could talk back or not."

He finally smiled again, pulling back into me as hard as he could and smothering his face.

"I love you so much." He blubbered into my shirt.

Holding him with one arm, my other hand rose to run through his hair. "I love you too."

We stood in silence for passing moments that I didn't dare interrupt. I focused solely on the waves crashing against the beach and the hands gripping my back. The breeze that chilled the warmth of the setting sun only countered by the warmth encircled within my arms.

"I never want this to end." My whisper finally breaking the silence.

He tilted his head away from my chest to gaze up into my eyes. "Neither do I."

My eyes opened, staring right back down. There was an underlying seriousness when I spoke that surprised even me. "I don't want you to leave."

He merely smiled, tilting his head a little. "I'm not going anywhere."

My hand caught his cheek, making his eyes meet mine perfectly. "No, I want there to be no way I could ever think you would leave."

"I don't know what else I could do. I love you. Isn't that enough proof? I'm still here through everything. What else could there possibly be?"

My hand slid down, catching his chin and tilting his head back a little more. I leaned in and crashed our lips together. He didn't fight me for one second. His arms fell only to curl against my chest and reattach his hands to my shirt. After a moment, I broke myself away to take a deep breath. I only strayed a few inches, and so my eyes were still firmly locked on his. His fluttered open, searching mine equally.

The next words fell from my lips with the grace I had been desperately hoping for. In my mind they were jumbled and filled with nervous energy, but when I said them, they came out in an almost whisper that trickled down and fluttered in the ocean air.

"I want to marry you."

His eyes widened, lips still parted as a furious blush flooded his cheeks.

"B- But why?"

I couldn't help but splutter a chuckle. "Because I love you."

"Are you sure? I mean- I'm definitely not the nicest person and we're both so young. You're only twenty-three, and hell I'm only twenty-two. Plus, I'm a pain in the ass, and-"

I silenced his rambling with another kiss, not be able to stop smiling against his lips. When I pulled back, he just stared at me with those wide eyes and the flush that wouldn't dare lighten up.

"Karkat, I want you to marry me. Now stop freaking out and answer me."

"Answer you what?"

"God dammit, you're such an idiot." I whispered through a chuckle, shaking my head slightly before looking him right back in the eyes with a smile that still couldn't fade. "Will you marry me, asshole?"

"Is that any way to address the person you're asking to marry you?" He countered, the light hint of a smirk breaking though his smile.

I grinned back, hands moving down to interlace my fingers with his face. "So is that a yes?"

He stood up on his toes, layering a soft peck to my lips before falling back down. "That's a yes."

"Thank god!" My arms flung around him, catching him under the arms and bringing him off his feet.

He was startled and only got worse as I began to spin across the beach. His arms wound around my neck as he yelled for me to stop through a fountain of laughter. Before I could slow myself, my ankles crossed, causing us to fall. He shrieked loudly, he landing on his back and I falling right on top of him. I lifted my head, vision blurry until it focused and I found myself staring down at his face below me. He was still blushing, now a deep red that trailed all the way to his ears. Those wide, brown eyes watched me closely until closing as our lips met. I kissed him repeatedly with the sound of breaking and reconnecting lips and the soft touch of his hand snaking through my hair. When I broke away for the final time, I couldn't do anything but stare down at him and take in everything about this moment.

My thumb brushed his cheek as I whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too." He returned with the same tone and gentleness that I kept me weak at the knees and my heart fluttering in my chest.

Those three words would never be enough to explain it; but for now, they were all I had.

**One more chapter guys! Well… Can't believe it's almost over ;~; . Hope you guys enjoyed one of my favorite chapters :)**


	48. Chapter 48

**This has been my life for the past five months. I thank each and every one of you for reading and leaving me so many wonderful reviews. I never expected people to react this way to my writing. It makes me overjoyed to think you guys could possibly like this as much as you do. I am forever grateful. I will definitely be writing more. I have my next fic planned already. It'll be a DaveJohn spinoff from this one and I will start it about the end of May/beginning of June. Basically right after school ends.**

**But anyway, this chapter is one of the longest and by far my favorite. I love it endlessly and hope you guys do too.**

**Enjoy the last chapter guys :)**

* * *

><p>"You're what?" The voice shrieked through the phone holding both surprise and excitement all balled up into an overpowering volume.<p>

"Calm down Feferi." I replied calmly, adding in a small chuckle. "I'm getting married."

"Heh, sorry." She took a moment, a few deep breaths blowing across the line. "Just a little shocking I guess."

"Why's that?"

"Well…" She paused again. "I never really though you to be the one to settle down."

"And just what does that mean?" I tried my hardest to sound offended, but I failed overall, realizing she was right. "Eh, never mind; either way I am. I guess this is all I could think to do when I feel this strongly about him."

"Oh, isn't that cute!" She giggled loudly.

"Yeah, I know. I've become a complete sap."

"It's not that bad. I think it's good for you."

"Maybe it is."

We broke into a silence. Neither minded it really, but then there was a slight rustling.

"Well, I have to go." She said followed by more rustling. "I'm heading out for lunch with my mom since I'm visiting back home."

"Bye. Tell your mom I said hi."

"I will! Bye-bye."

I was about to hang up, but I was caught quickly.

"Oh, Sollux, wait!"

I pulled the phone back to my ear. "Yeah?"

"When did it happen?"

"What? The engagement?"

"Yeah."

"Well it really wasn't official at the time, but basically about four months ago. Actually, it was the last night we were at your beach house."

"And you're just now telling me!"

My hand rose to rub the back of my neck with the exhale of a nervous chuckle. "Sorry Feferi. The only people we've told so far are my parents. Karkat's don't even know yet, and oh god, I don't want to go down that road yet."

"Well when exactly is this wedding?"

"Next month most likely. If you can even call it a _wedding._"

"Next month?" She blared before I even finished speaking. "You're telling me one month before it's happening? God you're hopeless."

"Again, sorry. I'll let you know all the details by the end of the week."

"You better." She remarked shortly, but then immediately giggled as her voice returned to its normal softness. "I'm really happy for you, Sollux."

"Thanks Feferi. I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't been my friend since, what, we were like five?"

"Oh come now, don't get all mushy on me. I have to go. I'll call you later. Love ya!"

"Yeah, yeah. Bye, go have a good lunch."

She laughed one final time before the phone cut off and I pulled it about a foot from my face.

That's right; it had been four whole months since I had some what 'proposed' to Karkat. He still hadn't had any problems health wide. I was infinitely grateful about that fact. In those four months, Karkat had managed to finish up most of his school. He was already ahead even when he only had had two years. Being smart and taking college classes in high school, he worked night and day to finish the rest of his credits in as little time as he could. Now he was done and it was time to move on. I had called my dads about a month after it had happened- they were overjoyed of course, but we were still reluctant to tell anyone else. I'm sure Dave and John would be happy for us, and we figured we might as well invite Rose and Kanaya too. It seems our party of ten would be all we would need.

In the meantime, I had finished eating a quick piece of toast before flipping my phone back open and dialing another number. I was quickly connected with that familiar and smooth tone.

"Sup Captor?" Dave's voice came, but it sounded a little winded and rushed.

I dismissed any suspicions with a shrug, continuing on. "Hey, you got time for me to tell you something?"

"Not really bro. I may or may not have the legs of a buck-toothed derp wrapped around my waist right now."

Oh, so that's the reason for his voice. This wasn't awkward at all.

"Well Jesus Strider," I snapped back with disgust in my tone. "Why did you pick the damn phone up in the first place then? We can talk later when you're not so… _busy_."

"Nah man, it's cool. I've got time."

"You're so screwed up." I replied through a sigh before rubbing my eyes and pushing my glasses back into place. "Well, I just called to tell you and John too I guess, that Karkat and I are planning-"

"To get married. Yeah, I'm aware."

I paused, my brows furrowing in confusion. "But how? I've only told Feferi."

"Apparently she told Rose and recently I was informed by said sister."

"God dammit she gossips fast. Her and her fucking big mouth." I grumbled.

"Uh-huh, well, I'm happy for you and a- all, but… I have to, oh god-"

His voice slowly began to trail off quieter until it ended with a grunting moan.

"Yeah. Have fun. Bye."

Before my ears were subjected to anymore, I snapped my phone shut and pocketed it.

I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist instantly and a face press against my back. I turned in his arms, his face soon tilting up to meet mine.

"Everything good?" He asked, tipping his head to the side slightly.

I nodded, my arms draping over his shoulders. "You tell Feferi anything and everyone you know will be told in a matter of minutes. Before I had even talked to Dave and John, Rose had already told them everything. I swear Feferi must have the biggest mouth of anyone I've ever met; serious gossiping power."

"Well, she is a girl you know." He remarked, a smirk playing on his lips.

"Tch, Girls. Who needs em?

"I know I don't." He chuckled, leaning upon his toes to brush his lips across mine.

I captured them faster than he could move away, leaving him with a long kiss before finally pulling back. He opened his mouth to speak, but I could feel my expression contorting against my will.

His brow rose, sweeping the hair from my face. "What's that look about?"

"You know what we have to do."

He fell silent, eyes averting my own and his arms dropping to his sides.

"We can't wait any longer."

"I know but-"

"No, we have to do it now. You want them, to come, don't you?"

He nodded slowly. Before he could protest anymore, I retrieved my phone, handing it to him.

"It'll be okay."

He merely nodded again, moving over to the couch. I sat beside him, my hand on his knee and one of his over top mine. Taking a deep breath, he dialed the number and put the shaky phone up to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Yeah momma, it's Karkat."

"I know. I've been really busy lately finishing up school and all."

"Yes, I'm done."

"What am I going to do now? Well… I actually have something I've been meaning to tell you…"

"Mom."

"Stop talking."

"Listen."

"Mother!"

I jumped a little, but not enough for him to notice.

"Sorry, but I know once you start rambling it's hard to get you to stop."

_He's the one to talk._

"Now I really have something I need to tell you."

He took a long, deep inhale as his grip on my hand tightened. I flipped my hand over so my palm was facing up and I could hold his just as firm.

"I'm getting married."

There it was. The room fell silent. He had rushed through the words, but they we out there, and we would fall or sink. But either way, we would do it together.

He suddenly breathed out a soft laugh. Wait, why was he laughing?

"Yes mom, to Sollux."

And then he was smiling. Just seeing that made me gain one of my own. Things must be going alright, because his lips were indeed quirked up and his hand had loosened tremendously from its death grip on mine. Within a few more shared words, he pleasantly said goodbye and that he'd call again soon. With my phone closed and resting on the arm of the couch, he turned to me with an utterly relieved appearance.

"She sounded happy." He finally said, his voice light.

"And you're dad?"

Surprisingly, his smile didn't falter. "She said she'll talk to him and ease him into the idea. I know he won't be happy at first, but maybe he'll come around given everything that's happened."

"I'm sure he will, but they _are_ coming, right?"

He nodded, eyes slipping closed. "She said she wouldn't miss it for the world."

Within a matter of seconds, my arms were around him. They pulled him straight into my chest were he buried his face and let out a shaking breath.

"I'm so glad." I whispered down into his billowy brown hair.

"Just a few more weeks." He whispered, muffled by my shirt.

My arms wound around him even more as I hummed a response through my unhidden, albeit welcome bliss.

* * *

><p>The day came on us faster than we could have imagined. Before we knew it, it was the day we planned to get married.<p>

And holy shit. I was getting married.

Somehow I wasn't freaking out like I thought I would.

It was already nine and we were still lying around in bed. I was awake, as I usually was, but I let Karkat sleep. It was a stressful day and he needed his sleep. Arms around him, he laid on his stomach, head resting on my chest and arm draped across my stomach. My fingers twirled though his hair that was as messy as ever, but somehow still stayed so soft. My eyes were transfixed on his face; the twitching of his nose and the rosy pink of his cheeks that I don't think ever faded. I couldn't help but smile to myself, and stare down at him even when he began to wake. His lids fluttered open before blinking and trying to focus. My fingers continued to move until he realized it and tilted his head back to stare up at me.

"Today's the day, huh?" His voice laden with sleep and scratchy till he cleared his throat.

"Today's the day." I repeated with a smile. My neck bent to place a kiss on his forehead, my hand pushing his hair back.

He smirked, his head turning and his cheek falling back against my skin. With a small huff out, he didn't move from that position.

"We should get up." I said even as my eyes closed when my head rolled back.

His hand pat my stomach with a quiet shoosh. "You should stop talking."

"Nope. Come on, we're getting up."

I began to move, but this only caused him to groan, becoming dead weight on my chest. After some maneuvering and strategic twisting, I managed to pry myself from his arms and slide out from the bed. The air hit me and I shivered, staggering across the room.

"I'm showering." I called, but he grumbled something in response, yanking the covers over his head.

The rest of the free day passed quicker than my liking. We were rushing every minute to get ready and get down to we were supposed to be. My dads told me their friend was letting us use their backyard. At first I scoffed at the idea, but that was before I saw the house- no, mansion that these people lives in. It sat on countless acres with more rooms and more land than you could ever find use for. I wished I had enough money to live in a place that big. They had fixed everything for us. There was food and flowers- god damn this was girly. Even if I hated how frilly it was, with one glance to Karkat's elated face, I knew I could get over it. He was simply over joyed; most likely swimming in the thoughts of how perfect this would be for one of his movies. We separated shortly after getting there. He was directed off into the house, but I was cut off on my way up.

"Sollux!" A voice shouted, and I knew it could only belong to one man.

My father; well one of them that is.

I turned around to be embraced before I could even focus on his face.

"Today's the big day son."

My arms rose to pat his back with a laugh. "Yeah. It really is."

"How're you feeling?" He asked, pulling back with his arms dropping to his sides.

"Anxious." I said honestly. "But excited I guess."

"Just the way you should feel." His smile was reassuring and always comforted me.

"Thanks dad." I replied quietly, smiling a little in return.

Suddenly, there was a firm hand on my shoulder. I turned to meet the stern eyes of Karkat's father. I immediately shrunk back a little, but he stayed strong.

"Hello Mr. Vantas." I said smoothly, extending a hand.

He stared down at it for a moment before breaking into a grin. Grabbing my hand, he pulled me into a one armed hug followed by a good smack on the back. "Don't be so formal Sollux. You're going to be family soon."

"Yeah… I guess I am."

He took a step back, staring me in the eyes. "It's okay boy. I'm okay. There's no need to worry anymore. I think I've finally adjusted to this whole situation."

I could feel my face suddenly form a smile. "I'm glad." I said, before brushing past him. "I'm sorry, but I have to go get ready now."

I waved, and he waved in return. "I understand. Go get all gussied up." He called, throwing in a laugh.

Shortly after I had entered and sat down long enough to catch up on my thoughts, there was a rasping at the door. I stood, stepping over before opening the door. Dressed in crisp suit stood the shades of indifference.

"You should be ready Captor."

"Maybe I would have been if I didn't have assholes like you interrupting me." I mused, turning on my heels and waltzing back through the room.

"Nyeheh very amusing." He then lifted his arm and tossed me a bundle of black fabric. "Here, I was put in charge of bringing you your jacket. Best man duties I suppose."

I caught it quickly, sliding it over my vest. "You gave yourself that title. I never remember asking you."

"Who else would it be?"

I paused, falling silent before sliding out a chuckle. "Guess you caught me on that one."

"Now get dressed. Oh, and I got the strangest looks from Karkat's dad. It was that expression of 'I've seen you before, but I don't remember where'."

"Maybe it's because you have clothes on this time." I remarked with a smirk, fixing my tie in the mirror.

"Most likely." He considered, turning back around and heading towards the door. "Well, I have to go. Hurry up though. These people aren't going to wait forever."

"Yeah, yeah. Just leave me be Strider."

Once I was dressed and ready, I waited until it was time to head back down to the yard. At one point, I glanced out the window to see the other eight sitting peacefully in chairs chatting with one another. There was an arch in front of them, covered in flowers. Just one more thing that annoyed me but I knew made Karkat that much happier. I allowed the escape of a sigh only because I was alone before continuing my walk down stairs.

I stepped from the house, the brisk air hitting me immediately. Fall was in swing now since it was already October. The trees were filled with their auburn leaves that masked too many hues to count. The breeze brushed its fingers through them, plucking a few from the branches and dancing with them to the ground. The sun was setting now, creating the perfect back drop of light. I began my walk down the premade path, four chairs on either side in a straight line. I said hello to each of them as I stood in front, waiting.

I had never pictured myself in a position like this. Waiting at the end of an aisle to get married. And to Karkat at that. It made my stomach flip and my mind race; I loved it.

I loved it until the point where my heart stopped. He was walking towards me, his suit matching mine with the same untamable hair and amazingly wide eyes. I didn't know what to feel anymore. My mind went blank and my heartbeat pounded faster than it ever had. As he walked closer, I could feel my throat closing and my palms becoming clammy. I had never acted this way. Even we had first started dating, it was never this bad. I was suddenly realizing how perfect all this was. How much I was wishing for this to happen. And how much I actually loved him.

He continued until he was standing beside me, and we both turned to face each other. Everyone fell silent as I took his hand. Our stares continued until I finally found the courage to speak.

"Karkat, I'm going to be truthful here. When I first met you, I had no intention of being your friend. The first impression you gave me was that you were cruel and cold hearted; spitting out insults and curses faster than you could ever think them. Really, I was a little scared of you. You intimidated me with your glares and sharp tongue. I was a new kid in school, and seeing the first person I met was this short, little ball of hatred- well things didn't seem too good. But that was before I really got to know you. The person that confronted me wasn't who you were. When I was a scared, lanky, and lisping little twelve year old, cowering up against the lockers with a bruise covering my eye and a pain punched into my gut, that was when I truly met you. You picked me up like you have countless times. I'm not sure if I would be where I am if you hadn't been there for me all these years. Of course, I never knew in the sixth grade that I would come to love you in this way. Back then, you were my best friend. Now, you still are, but you're also so much more. This is something I've never felt for anyone. Something I've never been so sure about. Something I know I can't live without. When I held that fear, the overhanging pain of you not being by my side for two years, every day was hell. I didn't know if I could have lived much longer. I know now that I will never let you go again. I will never do anything that would jeopardize what we have. I love you with all my heart. All of your faults and all the things you hate about yourself. I love every part of you, and there is no one in the world I would rather have standing in your place."

There was silence briefly. He just stared back at me with glistening eyes and an irreplaceable smile. His hands were shaking in mine, but I knew it wasn't bad. I gazed right back, knowing that I was smiling. He took a deep breath before opening his mouth and beginning in his own words.

"Sollux, I hate you sometimes." I and everyone else couldn't help but laugh at this. I added in the small shake of my head, but he only nodded. "No, I really do despise you sometimes. You piss me off to every extent and make me feel like yelling, but I know I could never be furious with you for too long. I know, my temper is bad and my mouth is foul, but you also know I never mean it. I guess I just get a little defensive, but even then, I can't stay mad at you. You know exactly what to do to calm me down. Whether it's when I'm upset, or when I'm scared, you always know what to do and the things to say. I know there have been countless times when you stayed with me through storms- even when we were younger- and these past years when I was sick, you were so helpful and caring. You took care of me until I was better and in the end until I was too far for your capabilities. You took me to the hospital multiple times and stayed right beside me even when I couldn't respond and when no one knew if I would even wake up. You still stayed. Every time I yelled at you without letting you explain, or became jealous and paranoid, or I screamed and slammed the door in your face telling you to go away, you never left me. You kept pushing through and forcing me to talk to you. I am forever grateful. I hope my love is enough for all you've done. I wish you could understand how I feel, but I could never find words that are strong enough to express it. So I will leave you with this overly sappy rambling of words and the fact that I truly and unquestionably love you."

"I love you too." I whispered back, that smile never leaving either of our faces.

Reaching into my pocket, my hand reemerged in a fist. I held it in front of me before opening it and revealing the two gold rings that shimmered in the sunlight. He glanced down, picking up the larger of the two, leaving me with the other.

"This is it." I said, looking up from the ring to meet my eyes with his.

Moving down to grab my other hand and pull it up, he nodded.

"This is it." He reiterated in a whisper. "Let's do it together."

I grasped his hand in mine. As our eyes stayed locked together, we slid the ringers on each other's fingers. They then intertwined and fell between us. I leaned down while he perched on his toes.

"So how's this compared to one of your romcoms?"

He grinned, only inches from my face. "So much better. And this time it's not funny."

Our lips met in a soft, but passionate kiss that I would remember forever. It was more meaningful and special than anything I had ever felt before. He was finally mine and mine alone. No one could take him away. I wouldn't let anything do that; I had already had that happen once. The seconds passed too quickly. He was breaking away before I had time to really savor the moment. It left me wanting more like always, but I still stood straight. I hadn't even noticed to soft round of clapping until my ears turned back in. I looked to the side, truly forgetting they were all there during the whole thing. My mind had been so set on Karkat that everything else had simply faded into the background.

Then there was hand on my cheek. It was pulling my face back. Karkat was still staring me down.

"We're married." He whispered, and for some reason it made me chuckle.

"Yeah. We're married, and I love you a thousand times over."

"As do I."

I leaned down again, resting my forehead against his and simply standing there listening to the sounds of the breeze and wanting this happiness to never end.

* * *

><p>It had been fifteen years since I had met my best friend. It had been six years since I had begun dating my last boyfriend. And it had been four years since I had married the man I loved. Four years since I had married Karkat, and four years since I had made the best decision of my life.<p>

I had never been happier than I was right now. Even as we were lying in bed, I was happy. Blissfully basking in the sunlight of early June and hearing the birds sing through the window. I was twenty seven with my _husband_ in my arms and a house surrounding me.

That's right. We had bought a house. Turns out I wasn't half bad at the whole technology sphere- like there was ever any questioning. Between our two jobs we had managed to rake up enough to buy us a house back home. Feferi had moved back as well to be closer to her mom, and we finally convinced Dave and John to move with us. Turns out we were the start of a trend, for not too long after us, the cool kid and his derp of a love decided to tie the knot as well. Now our lovely group of gays was bounded by the utter laws of marriage. Wonderful I must say.

But as of today, I just wanted to be lazy. I wanted to lay here in the warmth of the sun and the blankets with Karkat beside me and let him sleep until he was content to get up. My eyes slipped closed again, but that lasted for a total of five seconds. I was only jarred awake by the pattering of feet, the springing of the mattress and two hands on my shoulders. They shook me furiously before sliding away and shaking Karkat's with the same wrath and bouncing.

"Poppa, daddy, get up! It's Saturday."

Elise. She was six years old and the most energetic child I had ever met. It was two years ago that we had adopted her. I felt so old after getting a child. Karkat's mother was one of the happiest out of all of us. She had the granddaughter she had always wanted, and a damn right adorable one at that. The little bundle of wound up energy was just the thing we needed to complete our family. We loved her, and she loved us back without question. I was slightly reluctant at first; knowing she would get hell for having us as parents later. I know. I went through the same thing. But Karkat convinced me it was for the better. I could help her get through it when the time came. I could show her how it didn't matter and that we would still loved her no matter what. Which we did.

Unless it was times like these when she woke me up on a Saturday morning.

I groaned, draping an arm over my eyes, but the shaking only returned to me. Two small hands on my chest, rocking me back and forth.

"Poppaaa-" The small voice drawled out. "You promised you'd take me to the park. Now come on, get up! Get up!"

"Elise." I mumbled in return. "I'm tired. Go back to sleep or something."

There was a heavy weight that landed abruptly on my chest, making my eyes open. I was met with two bright blue eyes and curly blond locks. She began to bounce on top of me, but a hand landed on her head that stopped her.

"Child. Calm down. We'll go to the park- I promise, but right now poppa and daddy are still sleeping."

She glanced down to Karkat, giving a small nod before sliding off my chest and curling up between us.

I always wondered how he did that. He was so good at it. I always got frustrated and just ended up making some one upset, but not Karkat. He knew exactly what to say to make her cooperate. I always knew he was his mother's son.

It was only about fifteen minutes before Elise was back to fidgeting and whispering to us until the point of no reply. We finally had enough and crawled out of bed. Leading her into the kitchen, I toasted up some poptarts, a very essential food source to everyone in this household, before setting them on a plate next to a tall glass of chocolate milk.

Breakfast was eaten, clothes were changed, and I had been somehow put in charge of hair duty every single morning.

Apparently it was 'a pigtails kind of day'. This child killed me. Stripping me of every morsel of dignity I had left. Karkat said that was just part of being a parent, but I didn't see him tying hair up in the little ribbons.

I had gotten a new car as well. I was a little sad to see my old truck go, but I needed something more 'child appropriate' as Karkat put it. Either way, we all climbed in and made our way to the park to enjoy the rest of the day in the sun. This day consisted of watching Elise run around in her light yellow dress as her curls bounced along and she yelled for us to follow her. We did, of course. I think we spoiled her too much, but I found it hard not to most of the time. Especially when it came to ice cream. The child loved her ice cream. It had become sort of a tradition for us now. We would sit on the same bench in the center garden of the park and eat our ice cream.

This is exactly what we did that day. She perched herself in my lap, resting against my chest as my arm draped over Karkat's shoulder who was leaning up against me as well from the side. As we sat happily licking away at the sweet treat, nothing else mattered. This is where we found peace; serenity. The world stopped for these passing moments. We barely ever talked. We would only sit and enjoy having each other. I don't even know if they realized how much these moments meant to me. They gave me time to think about everything in my life. Return to the times where I was scared or sad when Karkat would pick me up. When I was young and he befriended me before anyone else. When he confessed his feelings only to make me realize my own. The way I felt the first time we kissed or held each other through the night. The unexplainable happiness I felt when he returned practically from death and kissed me after two torturous years. That day when we were married under the autumn sky. The immense love I felt for Karkat was never ending. And now, we had a beautiful little girl that made our family whole. She completed us and gave us just one more thing to love. Everything made sense now. Nothing felt incomplete and nothing made me wish for more. I had everything I could have ever wanted. I couldn't believe it, but I was finally happy with every aspect of my life.

From the thoughts, only one thing made it through. Only one thing broke my mind and left its imprint. The only thing that ever did when we sat here. It was soft and just as peaceful as my heart. It was fulfilling in itself. It was the harmony that surrounded us. The flowers brought it near and the aroma drew it down. It flew without care. Happiness carrying it through the air and its free will swaying its movements. In the light breeze of summer and the bliss of my now indisputably exultant life was the quiet and completely harmonious buzzing of a bee.

-The End-


	49. Epilogue

**Hello again! Haha, it's been awhile, and truly, I never thought I'd be adding another chapter onto this. However, I was convinced by a friend of mine to write an epilogue of sorts. I happily complied, seeing it really is hard to stay away from this. I spent so long on it; I kind of find it hard to stop writing. But anyway, yes, this is a type of epilogue-ish thing. This may or may not be the only one (I haven't decided yet) So, if this is, thank you again for reading, but if it isn't, I guess I'll see you guys around :) **

* * *

><p>"Ow! Daddy, that hurts!"<p>

"Well maybe it wouldn't if you would stop wiggling!"

"I wouldn't have to wiggle if you weren't trying to pull my hair out!"

"I'm doing no such thing- now hold your ass still!"

"Bad word Daddy!"

"God dammit child, stop fucking moving!"

"Bad words!"

The commotion had already grabbed my attention. There was always shouting in this house. What it had to do with and the connotation of it all differed depending on the situation, but we could barely ever go more than a day without yelling our heads off about something.

This time I had been in the kitchen packing a special lunch in, of course, what _had _to be a pink, sparkly, lunch box. 'Nothing but the best for the princess' is what I was told by said princess herself.

But now my full attention was set on the noise spouting from the bathroom. I poked my head in the door to find my lovely husband, who I couldn't help but love with all my heart no matter how much of a pain in the ass he was, standing in front of the counter with a hairbrush in one hand and a clump of hair in the other. Atop that counter sat my even lovelier little daughter facing the mirror cross-legged and arms folded. She had a frustrated expression and a glare being shot at the mirror to be reflected towards the monster with a brush.

Once I stepped fully in the doorway, her face only lightened slightly. The glare lifted when he eyes finally landed on me.

"Poppa, Daddy is using bad words around my innocent, little ears."

All I could do was smirk at this. One, because of the statement itself; she had almost mastered our level of snarky remarks even at the mere age of six. And reason two being the fact that she seemed to point out every 'bad word' we used. Any other child would find it normal if they were said as much as we shoot them out, but to her, she still knew they weren't what someone her age should be hearing. Given Karkat did use the larger handful of them; I don't think he had any sort of filter at all. I tried my best not to use that many around her. I didn't especially want my kindergartener to be dropping the f bomb every other sentence, but with Karkat around, my efforts where pretty much futile.

Either way, I entered the small bathroom and wound my arm around Karkat's waist before taking the brush from his hand.

"Oh he is, is he?"

"I wouldn't have to if she would cooperate." He mumbled but still undoubtedly leaned back into me with a sigh.

"Elise darling, are you cooperating?"

She gave a single nod and small grin. "I am."

"Well, there we have it. Looks like it's Daddy's fault then."

A purely shocked expression landed on Karkat's face as he turned a little. "You're taking her word over mine?"

I leaned down to place a quick peck on his cheek. "Don't I always?"

"You ass."

"No!" A tiny voice cut it. "Bad-"

"I know, bad word!" He broke her off with the shout and his arms being thrown above his head. He then wiggled out from my light hold and walked off into the house. "You brush her damn hair then."

We both had a good laugh once he left. He tiny giggles only making me snicker more. I'd take a handful of the blonde curls, brushing them out gently and watching them twist and wave effortlessly back into place. The girl sure did have some pretty hair, but damn she was so spoiled. Sometimes I thought Karkat and I gave her too much. Except those thoughts were always cut short when she would giggle and smother us in hugs and kisses. She was the happiest little girl I had ever met; carefree and just as sarcastic and snide as we were. We couldn't have found a better kid for us.

Though, as always, I was out on hair duty. Karkat didn't have the patience for this. He would always rip though her hair and either leave her in tears or yelling. So then I would step in and calm her down, tying the locks up in ribbons and bows when I was done.

"Excited about today?" I asked once our laughter had subsided.

She gave a small shrug but that was it. I leaned forward a little, head going over her shoulder. Looking forward, our eyes met in the mirror so I held the gaze while we spoke.

"You should be. First day of school; that's a pretty big thing."

"I'd rather go to work with you and Daddy."

That's right, seeing that we couldn't really afford daycare and neither Karkat nor I could take off very much from work, Elise had been coming with us to the office and sitting there quietly while we typed away.

"Oh, but school is fun." And wasn't that one of the biggest lies I had ever told.

She paused, biting at her lip before huffing. "I don't think I'll like it."

"Don't be negative now. I get enough of that from your dad." I brushed a few more locks out before turning her around on the counter. Almost immediately, her eyes averted mine, but with my hands cupping her tiny cheeks, I brought them back. "You like to color, don't you? And you get snack time, and you'll get to play outside, and meet a bunch of new kids. I know you like all those things, yes?"

"Yeah… but-"

"Nope. No buts. You'll have fun. Now then, who loves you?"

She was already pouting, but she looked up sharply with those cheeks puffed out. "You do."

"That's right, I do." I planted a kiss on her forehead and popped the air in her cheeks which drew out a quiet laugh. She recovered so easily from the previous pout; back to smiling in no time.

"Now come on. We'll be late if we don't leave soon."

With a small nod, she lifted her arms so I could hook my hands under them. I lifted her and what I had planned to do was immediately set her on the floor. But this changed when she clung to me with her legs around my stomach and her arms winding round my neck. I breathed out a faint chuckle, letting one arm go behind her back to hold her up.

"You're getting too big for me to carry."

She shook her head before burying it in my neck and making a few discontent sounds.

"What? I just have to be able to lug you around forever?"

This brought a nod and another laugh from me.

"Of course. You'll always be Poppa's little girl."

My one arm gave her a light squeeze as I clicked the bathroom light off and carried her off into the kitchen. Once in the room, I stopped and gave her a small pop up to keep her on my hip. Karkat was stuffing a few pencils and a notebook into a small backpack that, once again, was the brightest pink with no less than a million little sparkles. I cocked my hip a little to help hold up the weight clinging to my side to make sure she didn't slide down again. She really was getting too heavy.

"Ready to go?" I asked and thus made him turn his head.

He nodded a big before crossing the room. His arms went around my back, enveloping our daughter and me in a hug.

"How about our little princess here? You ready?" He spoke softly, he really only ever did speak so gently to her and her alone.

Even so, Elise merely shook her head again, nuzzling it as deep as she could into the crook of my neck.

"You'll be fine." He whispered, kissing the top of her head before releasing himself.

He grabbed the backpack and held it up. I bent down, attempting to slide the almost dead weight from my chest. She wasn't having this though. She only clung tighter when gravity threatened to pull her away. It took all the coaxing I get spew out mixed with the prying of her limbs from around me to get her off. Her eyes grew wide when she looked up at me; sticking that lip out and making her chin tremble.

"None of that," I warned, pointing down at her. "My child is not a pouter."

"You should know by now she only gets that from you." Karkat commented as he tried to work the backpack onto her stiff and reluctant arms.

My arms crossed and my brows furrowed. "I do not pout." I countered, but his eyes cut up at me with an unamused expression.

"You should go take a look in the mirror then because your face is a prime example of pouting."

"Yeah, fu-"

With the first form of the word his eyes narrowed and shut me up. I cleared my throat, uncrossing my arms.

"Kindly go, insert bad word here, yourself."

"Better."

"Hypocrite."

"Love you too."

I mumbled a few more choice words under my breath that gained me a nudge to the ribs by his elbow.

"Grab her lunch." He said before taking her hand and walking towards the door.

I yanked the small sack of the counter by its handle on top, following after him. We walked out to the car, buckled her in, and began our short drive to the school. Being the now suburban family we were, the school nestled in our neighborhood wasn't too far away. It was the same school Karkat had gone to, and he assured me it was just fine. The whole way there she was silent. Her arms were crossed, a glare being shot out the window as if every tree that passed had crossed her and she wished them dead. And it seemed she had picked up the bad traits from both of us. Even when we pulled up to the school she didn't move. When I opened her door, she simply turned her head the other direction and gave a loud huff. I unclicked her button, but still no movement.

"Elise honey, come on. Don't make this difficult."

I tried to make my voice soft but the annoyance was peeking through a tad.

"I don't want to go." She protested quickly through a mumble.

"But like I said, it'll be fun."

"You don't know that."

"No, but-"

Karkat nudged me aside and stepped in front of the doorway.

"Elise."

She turned her head with that. One word from him. His tone of voice was like magic and she would do basically anything Karkat said. How?

I have no idea.

He extended his arms and smiled a bit. "Can you come out here?"

She hesitated, debating the decision in her head a bit before scooting over and climbing into his arms. I stood back with my usual bewildered expression that I gained whenever he miraculously did things like this. He only smirked back at me and set her feet on the ground, shutting the car door once his arms were free. She readjusted her backpack, doing a little dance to straighten out the straps. As we walked up to the school, one of my hands held onto her lunch box while the other was occupied by her hand. Karkat held her other as she walked slowly between us. Her feet dragged slightly the closer we got, but we just pulled her along.

There were children everywhere inside the school. That overwhelming smell of plastic and cleaner had already filled the hallways. The walls were empty but it would only be a matter of time before there were crudely drawn pictures and various crafts stuck to them. Karkat led us down the halls to what he remembered where the correct rooms. There were two for each grade and so we filed down a couple halls until coming to a brightly lit, yellow painted room with stuffed animals and pictures stuck everywhere. There were streamers and various colored stars hanging from the ceiling. Shelves full of books lined one wall with large pillows on the floor and a soft looking rug. The rest of the room was covered in tiny desks, name tags taped to each one. Baskets full of crayons and pencils sat atop each group of four desks.

It took a minute to look around the room, but eventually my gaze fell down to the hand still clutching mine. I gave it a little squeeze and she looked up at me. Her eyes were wide but a small smile flicked across her face.

"Think you'll like it?"

She nodded a little, opening her mouth but my attention was soon grabbed by familiar voice.

"Karkat, Sollux. Hello."

I glanced back up to find Kanaya's bright smile and open arms. Those arms went around me and I dropped Elise's hand in reaction. Just as quick as they had come around me, they were gone and she was moving to Karkat to do the same. Karkat struggled a bit in her grip, but returned the light hug none the less.

"What're you doing here, Kanaya?" He asked once she released him and took a step back.

"Did I not tell you this is my first teaching job?"

"You did… but I didn't think you meant here."

She nodded a little before glancing down at Elise who was now staring blankly up at the tall woman. She pulled her long skirt up a bit so she could kneel down.

"Hello there sweetie, I am Ms. Kanaya and it seems I will be your teacher this year." Her eyes rose to my face then to Karkat's when she gained no response from Elise.

Karkat squatted beside her and put his hands on Elise's shoulders. This pulled her eyes over and held them even if she wanted to shy away. "Listen here, Ms. Kanaya has been a really good friend of mine all my life. She's really nice and I'm sure you'll like her. Think you can get along with her?"

There was another moment of hesitation before she nodded slowly. Kanaya stood back up, clasping her hands behind her back and smiling that much wider.

"Wonderful, I look forward to talking with you later, Elise. However, as of now I must talk with the other parents. If you three would excuse me," She gave a small bow before turning and sauntering off to speak with the other various adults in the room.

Karkat stood back up, turning to me and taking a deep breath. I offered a faint smile which he returned quickly. We had one of those moments that had been happening more and more over the years. A minute where we stand and simply look at each other. No words; just soft expressions and emotion filled stares. Even after years of being with him, the feelings I had when all of this first started still lodged themselves deep in my chest. Every time I saw that smile I reminded myself how lucky I was. Lucky to have him after everything and lucky that my family was finally and happily complete.

A sharp squeal cut through our momentary silence. All four eyes shot down to Elise, but only her backpack was there now. I turned my head, watching her run straight into the open arms of a crouching Dave Strider.

"Davey!" She chimed and was thrown into a fit of giggles as he pulled her up and did a small spin.

"Hey there kiddo."

These two always had liked each other. Ever since we got her Dave and John had spent many nights babysitting her. And occasionally she'd go off to stay at their house if she couldn't come to work with Karkat and I. Like many, she easily became attached to Dave. Though it had its consequences, (more sarcasm and smart ass remarks followed by long skews of metaphors that really meant jackshit in the long run) they both seemed to enjoy each other's company so we let it be.

Her arms were wrapped around his neck, but she pulled back an all-out beamed. "What're you doin here?"

"I had to bring little nick-nak to school too." And just about this time a scrawny little boy with some of the reddest hair I'd ever seen poked his head out from behind one of Dave's legs. "Looks like you guys will be in the same class."

"Nak!" She shouted, wiggling her way back down to the ground with a bright grin.

"That's not my name stupid!" The redhead protested quickly with a deep set frown. As soon as the words came out, his eyes shot up to his father and he cleared his throat. "I mean- um, sup."

The tone in his voice didn't affect her at all, she simply tackle-hugged him. Effectively knocking him back a few steps, his arms hovered awkwardly as his face flushed red.

Poor kid.

She jerked him around like he was a play thing, but it's not as if he resisted too much. Really, he'd do anything she asked (or demanded most of the time) I wished him luck.

Elise giggled loudly until finally releasing him from her death grip and began bouncing in her place.

"Come on," She began, already tugging on his hand. Let's go find our desks."

She pulled him off but a wavering glance was sent back to us from his part before he was pulled off into the classroom.

I chuckled quietly to myself as Karkat shook his head but still watched them run off. A hand clapped on my shoulder and I turned, glass covered eyes meeting dark shades. His head tipped down and bright red glanced over the frame.

"I don't see any tears yet, Captor. Saving your bawling until you get home?"

"I think that's Karkat's job."

He smirked, but an elbow cracked into my side. I sent a grin down at him, feigning apology.

"Love you~" I cooed, but he merely sighed, waving a flippant hand and turning the other direction. I let a laugh slip before stopping and giving a short glance around the room.

"So where's John? Wouldn't think he'd be the one to miss an [oh so important] event in his child's life."

Dave gave a shrug once he pocketed his hands. "His jackass of a boss wouldn't let him come in late. So he's stuck at work- meanwhile, I got four pristine hours of sleep before the little tike throwing shoes at me and demanding food. If I didn't know better I'd say it was like living with my brother again."

Giving a small snort, I shook my head. "Sounds like a morning at my house. Though I don't just get things thrown, I also get jumped on. Karkat acted completely oblivious to it. He just lays there or rolls over, leaving me to deal with this heavy weight bouncing up and down and yelling 'poppa poppa get up'."

"Right, and then you have to bathe them-"

"And fix their hair-"

"And feed them breakfast-"

We took turns listing things off, but with one look we stopped; grins pulling at our lips and laughter sliding out.

"Look at us."

"What have we become Captor?"

"Well shit Strider, I think we're domestic house wives." I answered through another laugh.

His head shook more and gave a good pat to my shoulder. "And damn good ones at that."

"Oh hell yes."

Suddenly Kanaya returned, almost swooping in and smiling but kept her eyebrows raised in that certain way. "Now boys," She began in a tone that tone that could both seem so pleasant but also cut you in half in a split second out of fear. "I am aware you both love to have your fun, but there are children here. If you don't mind, please watch the language."

The laughter stopped, but I cracked an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Kanaya."

"Ah ah," She flicked her finger up at the ceiling, shaking her head softly. "Under this room I am _Ms. _Kanaya." Her tone was still a little daunting, but I could tell this was her form of a subtle joke. "Speaking of which, I suppose it is about time I start the day. Your daughter is lovely as always- Oh, and Nick is just the same." She added, turning her head slightly to Dave. He raised a hand, nodding before it returned to his pocket. She smiled, but took a deep breath. With the clap of her hands, she turned. "Excuse me everyone!" Her voice rose over the squeals of children and chit-chat of their parents. "I am sure you are all very excited to see your darling little children start school, and so, I must say it is time to begin. Sadly, I will need all of you to leave in the next couple of minutes. It had been a great pleasure to meet all of you, and I cannot express how excited I am to be teaching this year. Thank you for coming, and I look forward to seeing all of you again."

It was almost surprising this was her first year. Kanaya had the perfect personality for this and it showed. People began filing out, hugging their children, telling them goodbye before thanking Kanaya and moving out the door. I watched them go until Karkat returned to my side and there was a tug to my pant leg. I looked down, bright, blue eyes beaming back up at me. I just smiled, bending down and scooping her up in my arms. Standing back up, I hugged her close to my chest when she nuzzled her head against my shoulder.

"You have fun today, alright?" She nodded, arms winding around my neck. "We'll be back later to pick you up."

She pulled back with another short nod but never once stopped smiling. "You have fun at work too Poppa."

"I'll try." I kissed her softly on the forehead, and she placed one of her own to my nose. "Love you."

"Love you too."

Setting her back on the ground, she went through a similar situation with Karkat before bouncing off to find her desk.

"We'll see you later Dave." I waved alright and he nodded in recognition before wandering off to say his own goodbyes.

Karkat turned to face me, looking up and smiling faintly. "Shall we go?"

I took one look back before grabbing his hand and walking out while I could still pull myself away. "It's time."

At some point while walking down the hall, he linked his arm in mine but never dropped my hand. "We knew she had to grow up sometime. Not like she could stay a little kid forever."

"If only she could."

"She'll be fine. She's a tough one. Well, when you're not brushing her hair at least."

We both laughed quietly, finally walking outside and back to the car. Our hands separated, and we climbed up into the car. I buckled myself in, hands on the wheel but I didn't move. The keys sat in the ignition but I made no attempt to put the car in reverse. I just sat there and took a deep breath. There was a weird feeling in my gut. Nothing had felt wrong all morning, but now I couldn't help but feel a little part gone. It would be a lot different not having the constant happiness all day. It made me almost sad to not be able to see her all day, but Karkat was right, she had to grow up. It was time and no way would I stand in the way of that.

I was smiling at the wheel, eyes not focusing on anything particular and especially not aware of the sudden wetness rolling down my cheek. Just as I actually noticed it, I was going to wipe the stupid little tear away, but I was too slow. There was a soft thumb raking across it and a quiet chuckle sliding out from the seat beside me.

"Who's the baby now?" He mocked softly as his hand moved to catch my cheek and pull my face to the side.

I was looking straight at him. That smile of his made pull instantly at my lips. "Shut up." It was half-hearted and held no threat whatsoever, but the feigned insulting banter is one thing we would never stop doing.

He let another laugh slip, leaning across the small console between us and pulling my face down to his. I didn't even care that the seatbelt was digging into my chest; this kiss was just what I needed. The tiniest actions from him wiped away any sadness like they always had; replacing them with a calm happiness and the highest hopes I could ever have for our future.

My husband and my daughter were the only things that would ever matter to me. To be honest, I was perfectly content with that because I knew something that meant more than anything else.

These two would love me more than anyone else.

This was merely a new beginning.

We grew and changed every day, but one thing I knew is that those feelings in my heart would never change- no matter what.

The love I held for him and the love I held for my daughter.

That love would never end.


End file.
